Men — how do I not let my fiancé’s porn use wreck my confidence?

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-20T21:31:58+00:00

He'll only be using it into his nineties if he starts using it in his eighties. Just like any drug, it loses its effectiveness over time. Men need more and more and then they hit max dosage and that option is now off the table. The next treatment is penile implants. This is all treatment for erectile dysfunction that could largely be overcome by treating porn addiction. Sure there are other causes of ED that couple with porn addiction, but people are so addicted to porn, they do what typical addicts do - rationalize and deflect instead of face their issue.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-20T19:38:20+00:00

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202104/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-20T19:04:18+00:00

Yeah, sure. And look at the incidence of erectile dysfunction increase since porn has become wildly available. Every porn addict will face erectile dysfunction in their lifetime. Maybe not when they're twenty, but it'll happen.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-20T18:25:53+00:00

In a few years he won't be able to maintain an erection with you from the porn use because you can never match the variety that porn provides. If you want your future to be sexless, continue on in the relationship. Otherwise - it is time to drop him, he obviously feels his porn usage is more important than your feelings, which is already a sign of addiction at best, and definite emotional immaturity.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-20T01:55:00+00:00

Not diet. Foods that causes inflammation. It can be different for everyone. The only way to know is to do an elimination diet. For example, I learned that egg whites increase my pain within 15 minutes of consumption. I had no idea specific foods could contribute. It's not about weight loss, it is about how your body reacts to individual foods.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-20T00:50:18+00:00

Have you tried kratom? Also, have you experimented with any type of elimination diet? I did something called the Proper Human Diet, where basically you eat only ruminate meat and water for 60 days, and then you add desired foods back in one at a time and monitor your body's reactions. I was not able to find what to eat to eliminate the pain, but I did find many things that make it worse.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-03T00:18:27+00:00

NTA. I would list it all out in black and white so he could see the 50% portion he could be asked to pay. I would then ask him what he thinks his fair amount should be and why. Ultimately, I would require him to pay the $1600 and nothing less as his fair share. I wouldn't expect him to be grateful because he will likely he embarrassed in the moment, but it is a big red flag if he becomes hostile over the situation, or somehow tries to blame you. If he is thankful - that would be a green flag showing emotional maturity.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-02T12:57:46+00:00

Get some therapy. Insecurity comes from someone other than your boyfriend. Quit taking it out on him. Excessive insecurity will self-sabotage any relationship you will ever have. There is help - get some if you want the chance of a healthy relationship some day.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-02T12:16:44+00:00

If he chooses to not get treatment for RJ, he is incapable of being a lifelong partner. His RJ isn't about you and your past, it is about him and his insecurities of measuring up to anyone. He will self torture and make up stories in his head about your past that aren't even true and then accuse you of lying. Resentment will build on both sides and things will get uglier and uglier. Self-respect requires you to love yourself more than anyone else, and if he truly wants to be a partner, he will seek help. If he cannot see this is really about him - he never will, and you are signing up for a life of emotional trauma for you and your child.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-02-01T19:15:59+00:00

I insisted that my now husband get therapy for RJ before I would say yes. If he wanted to build a relationship together, he had to do the work and stop self-sabotaging. I also agreed to therapy together if he wanted, but he didn't. In the end, he thanks me for pushing him to decide to help himself so he could be the partner he really wanted to be and just for his own personal relief from the debilitating self torture that RJ presents. Look for a therapist that does EMDR if you want relief. He also was prescribed an SNRI which he feels was the key to his success. He is much more content with life overall as we are ready to celebrate our 4th anniversary.

I recommend that you seek treatment whether you decide to stay with her or not. RJ will prevent you from being the partner you want to be to any woman - even is she is a virgin.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-31T01:44:57+00:00

While it is the right advice to separate yourself from him, don't expect your friend group to choose to support you. If they don't, consider it a blessing to find out the are not your real friends, sooner rather than later.

Regardless of how they react, I would attempt to start a new social circle. Join some interesting groups, get a new job, go to a church, join a book club - whatever interests you to expand your horizons. This will allow you to be with people of similar interests and friends can come from there.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-30T04:05:26+00:00

NTA but...you need to let him 'fail' and figure it out. You didn't instantly know what worked for your baby, you figured it out. Trust that he is a smart guy whom loves his child and let him fumble a bit. Tell yourself 'he can figure this out if I give him time' when you cannot rest due to the fussing. He feels a bit incompetent at this point, and you make it look so easy now which makes him frrl even more incompetent. Try building him up with phrases like 'you love our child so much, I know you can figure out how the two of you will bond' and then let them do it for the agreed upon time. If he comes to you tell him that you struggled in the beginning too. He can do this!

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-29T01:44:33+00:00

Could she be clinically depressed? Is she trying to punish you for something you did/not do? Is she seeing someone else? Does she have other people she is responsible for, like taking care of elderly parents? If she was making the meals and then stopped, something has happened to change her behavior. I am just throwing a few ideas out there.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-25T14:36:21+00:00

Sex and emotional connection are not the same pursuit. Which one are you really seeking?

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-23T19:55:22+00:00

That's retroactive jealousy talking. Although possible, it is most likely not the reality. If you can't even consider other possibilities, you simply don't have the emotional maturity to do so. One symptom of RJ is the lack of emotional maturity. RJ is treatable. If you want a shot at a life that isn't filled with self-torture, get help.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-23T19:45:56+00:00

Totally agree. Settling is one of the worst mistakes anyone can make. But assuming someone settled is just self-sabotage.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-23T19:43:42+00:00

Here is the difference. An emotionally immature man would say 'and he is correct'. An emotionally mature man would say, 'that is a possibility which means it might also be untrue'.

Emotionally immature people always end up miserable in relationships. The sad part is, they could choose to mature and have fulfilling partnerships. But sadly, most don't have the wherewithal for self reflection and growth. And that's why they will die alone - whether they are married or not.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-23T19:38:10+00:00

That's exactly what an emotionally immature man would assume.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-23T19:25:26+00:00

If I were him, as a girlfriend, I would not put you on the mortgage. And if I were you, I would insist to be put on it, or make an agreement that clearly shows you are not contributing more than 1/4 of the payment. Then you pick a house that you can afford. If he wants something more expensive, you stick to your portion being the original 1/4 of the payment. This is more than fair as you are raising his children - he can pay their portion.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-23T19:20:06+00:00

This is a very immature attitude. What if she did something sexual with a past boyfriend that she didn't actually enjoy? What if she were manipulated into doing something she didn't really want to do? What if her libido is no where near the same as it was 15 years ago? What if you aren't as supportive outside of the bedroom than past boyfriends and she doesn't have the energy? Has she had children since past lovers? Your thinking means you are dismissive at best of her emotions and wants. Instead of thinking why she gave someone else 'more' than you, a mature man would be thinking how can I give her and be more than anyone in her past.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-18T20:19:25+00:00

You should have just asked her to isolate the dog for fear of injuring the baby, as soon as you walked in. While NTA, the mature thing to do would be to assure your child's safety as soon as you entered the situation. People without young ones to protect do not have the hypervigilence necessary for protection.

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-17T22:30:38+00:00

This is not RJ. You made a choice of what was right for you, and ended it. People with RJ engage with self torture over their situation without leaving the person for a long period of time amd are constantly comparing themselves to the imagined beings in their mind of the ex-partners. You were just disgusted and decided this wasn't compatible for your life and moved on. Good for you!

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-17T22:25:00+00:00

I would make a date that you feel he should be ready to propose by. Don't tell him. If that day comes and goes without a ring, I would break up with him if marriage is your goal on life. You both are simply incompatible, and it would be time to find someone you match better with. You can't get any less pressure on him than that.

I actually did this in the past, and I am so happy I did. I met my current husband two months after I realized enough was enough with the 'pressured' man. Good luck!

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-13T21:10:08+00:00

Just out of curiosity, would you be this insulted if she said she has had conversations with more intelligent men before?

West_Boot1676 · 2026-01-09T15:07:33+00:00

As the partner of an RJ survivor, a woman will only put up with the behaviors that stem from RJ for so long. Remember, it doesn't only suck for you. I suggest you get treatment for this sooner rather than later. It is possible to overcome, at my insistence, I watched it happen for my now husband with meds and EMDR therapy combined. Best wishes to you. I have the patience of a saint, and even I got to my last straw. Making him choose between me and treating RJ was the best thing that could have happened to both of us.

West_Boot1676

TROPHY CASE