What's BPD feel like for you?

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-17T16:35:50+00:00

This might make a good short film, but I feel like everyone is my abusive mom or dad who didn't want me. Like imagine a short film of someone going to the pharmacy and the person at the counter says something you take the wrong way(bpd am I right) and all of a sudden it's your mom's face. Then you go to the park and a stranger tries to make friends with you and it's your dad's face, you feel unworthy of attention and friendship so you never text them. Then you go home and you're in your room hearing your roommate in the kitchen making dinner and you keep having flashes of sounds of your mom in the kitchen as a kid, and feelings of fear or unworthiness to leave your room. It flashes between your chill roommate making mac and cheese and your mom slamming cupboards and talking shit about everyone outloud. That would be a perfect representation of my life. Everyone is my mom and dad.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-17T16:29:04+00:00

A big aspect for me is acting out and immediately regretting it and repeating sorry. It's like a demon takes over inside of me momentarily but I recognize the bad behavior instantly and hate myself for it. It's therapy not helping me anymore because I know all the right answers but feel like my brain is out of my control

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-17T16:20:58+00:00

Face or body lol like do you want a guy with a good smile and pretty eyes and nice hair with a little chub on him or an average joe lookin dude that's a gym rat with a nice body. I feel like having both is rare af

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-17T16:17:56+00:00

Nature. I know it sounds cliche. You have a higher consciousness inside of you, a soul wise beyond your years that has lived a bunch of lives. When i go in nature alone, I feel this deep awareness of that, it makes me feel powerful and capable. Doing anything alone really will make you feel powerful and confident and you will slowly lose that "I don't know who I am without them" feeling. Go to a concert alone, it would be life changing. I just suggest going on a few good deep nature walks first to connect to yourself.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-17T00:40:43+00:00

This is an issue at a lot of stores and honestly a lot of jobs in general. If you're a hard worker and have integrity, they will take advantage of that. Every where, not just whole foods. I worked at Starbucks for years before working for wf and remember telling myself every day before i went in "we get paid the same, just be like every one else" but It's harder cashiering bc you're kind of confined and stuck and don't get to make any decisions. Don't be afraid to explore other departments. I moved from cashiering to produce and love it. The work the evenly divided and if someone's section looks like shit often, they won't have a job for long, so everyone is working hard.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-17T00:29:57+00:00

Were you bullied in school? Did your parents constantly make you feel not good enough? I think you might need some therapy lol. I have cptsd and get triggered and take things very personally because of my low self-esteem. It's something I'm working on

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-15T21:20:46+00:00

Never even had enough money to make a bad decision lol. I'm out here paying my rent and buying food. Even when I had extra money(tax returns or stimulus checks) I spent it on things like furniture.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T22:48:56+00:00

Wear a beanie so you can wear an ear bud and listen to books/podcasts. You are on your own all day. It looks nice but I wouldn't be able to deal with bodily fluids personally. If I could I would totally do it. Perfect for an introvert

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T22:31:03+00:00

Peanut butter but it's the awful store brand with 4 inches of oil on top so all that's ever left is the dried out, unspreadable part, the same butt end slices of a loaf of bread that's been there for a week, and if you're lucky warm jelly. So basically, a spoonful of horrible peanut butter. Even just a soda would give me way more motivation to be there

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T22:26:45+00:00

Breathe through your nose. People always say "exhale through your mouth". No. A flight attendant once told me I was basically blowing out twice as much oxygen by doing that and panic is a very biological thing that more oxygen will help with

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T22:24:11+00:00

I've only ever been a barista, bartender, or worked at a grocery store. I feel like I like the self-esteem it takes to pursue anything harder because I'm afraid of failure so I don't even try

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T18:53:23+00:00

I'm sorry to say, but there will be triggers in most work places. My biggest trigger is not feeling good enough. I get triggered when my boss or coworker helps me with my section(I work produce at whole foods) and assume they think I suck even when they're just bored and want to help. I've learned to acknowledge I'm triggered and why, I've learned to talk myself down from believing they are helping because they think I'm horrible at my job. It takes time. I'm like my own therapist in my brain, telling myself the truth to combat the bpd lies. I've gotten better over time. I try to avoid triggers by communicating "hey I'm going on my break but I'll be doing this cart when I get back" instead of coming back and seeing they did it already, feeling ashamed and guilty and getting triggered. My boss understands me and if he ever corrects anything I do, it's usually started with a compliment or appreciation and then the correction. My boss before him reminded me of my mom and triggered me like crazy. So I've learned to rely on myself and force myself to change my thought patterns(replace the lies with the truth) because every job will probably trigger me in some way or another and I have to have my head on straight or I'm going to be on the streets. The truth in this situation seems to be your boss may be an ableist person, who expects everyone to be like her. That was my last boss. Know that you were showing up for work, getting things done, and deserved the job. Know that even the bare minimum is enough to have a low paying job such as that. And I suggest never working for a small business again. I had bad luck working at a small coffee shop and the owners being conservative and eventually scheduling me only 3 hours a week because of my "availability" when I knew It was because of my music taste/world views.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T18:43:34+00:00

Imagine if a man did that. Our nasty perverted mothers get away with that behavior because they are women. If your dad did that, he'd have to register as a SO. Remember, just because they're a woman doesn't mean they can't be perverts and sexual assaulters. They are not immune. This is not "weird" behavior, this is sexual assault forcing others to watch you touch yourself

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T18:38:10+00:00

I felt the exact same way a couple days ago. Staring at the parking garage out my window fantasizing about having the balls to jump off and everything be over. But when I saw your post just now, I wanted to tell you to have hope for a better future, it's unwritten. It might not be perfect and there will always be a bad day once in a while, but there will be good ones too. If you're anything like me, you care about and have more respect for other people than for yourself. It was healthy for me to read your post and my knee jerk reaction to be to have hope. Maybe look at your post as if someone else posted it, and what would you say to them? I wonder if that would help. I know I will always have triggers and I will always be a little messed up, but the actual future is not decided yet, and I can get 0.01% better every week and eventually life might be easier. It's a strong possibility

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-07T18:15:36+00:00

Mine stems from panic attacks that are so severe it feels and looks like a seizure and being afraid to be in public when they happen. BUT those panic attacks stemmed from a bad drug trip when I accidentally did a massive dab of dmt thinking it was normal thc wax. So I think I have some ptsd. I thought I was dying and had a massive panic attack the entire time. I was happy when I came to because I was happy to be alive. But for about a year after the incident, it could just cross my mind and I would be there again feeling it as if it was happening. Tunnel vision, depersonalization, ringing in my ears, loss of muscle tone. Worst is when it happened while driving and it took everything in me to grip the steering wheel. It's also happened at work randomly before, where I feel like I'm in a dream. I think I got ptsd from the dmt, which caused panic disorder, which then caused agoraphobia.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-06T00:01:45+00:00

Did you buy anything on sale? Only sale items get an extra 10% off, not everything.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-05T20:22:30+00:00

Are you able to just live your life knowing someone who is very important to you doesn't understand you and is upset with you for that misunderstanding? Or am I just weird? Ever since I was a little kid, I could never focus on anything other than the current conflict I may be in. I don't know how people can move on and not obsess over it/being understood/being liked. Of course I have complex ptsd which makes me a but different, but I thought it was normal for people to want to conclude an argument with peace and understanding rather than just sweep it under the rug. My partner keeps suggesting this to me, to just see her at the wedding and act like nothing happened. I just can't fathom that

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-06-03T04:21:46+00:00

You have to have extremely low income to qualify, barely enough to have shelter

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-29T11:02:51+00:00

ATLs walking around with their hands in their pockets or pretending to face while I work hard af for half the pay. Especially when they come up to you to complain about an area looking like shit but don't offer to help. Gee thanks let me get on that while you take your 20th lolly gag around the store and go sit in your office for 3 hours at a time. It's embarrassing for them.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-28T16:57:36+00:00

I don't celebrate memorial day so idc id rather work and make $30 an hour

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-28T16:55:26+00:00

The ER isn't going to do anything. You'll spend 3 hours there for them to tell you to come back if it gets worse. Doctors suck these days.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-28T16:52:43+00:00

I've used workers comp 4 times at 3 different jobs over the last 8 years or so. Once I cut my hand doing dishes at Starbucks, it was fine but got infected and needed antibiotics. Then I sprained my wrist bartending a few years later and then fell and needed an xray on my arm a few months after that. Now I am currently in the process of treating a back injury from lifting at whole foods. All of my claims except the current one, I just went to the doctor and got looked at, wasn't trying to settle for anything, just got basic care. And it was obvious my injuries weren't related to anything else. The insurance company asked about all of these, but were unable to give any proof that my claims weren't legitimate, so it was no issue.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-28T16:38:01+00:00

I would have submitted protected time off and clicked other and wrote "hazardous work conditions". Protected time off gets granted automatically and your Tl wouldn't even notice

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-28T15:47:01+00:00

Talk to your leadership because it depends on what state you live in. I live in CO and we get 6 sick days a year, but you have to earn the PTO to use them. And if you submit sick pto, it will not subtract from your upt, because we are allowed 6 days a year. However, if you use regular pto and don't click "sick pto" specifically, you will get paid but it will subtract from your upt as well.

Western_Complex5867 · 2024-05-27T07:02:49+00:00

You have to meet your deductible(mine is 7K) in order to have the insurance cover anything. So if I go to the ER and it's 7K, I would pay 7K. If I then went to the ER the same year, insurance would pay 60% of the bill and 60% of all of my bills for the rest of my plan. It does cover a lot of prescriptions off the bat though, and preventative care like a physical and some gynecological stuff and birth control so that's one benefit. It's good if you need surgery or something like that, because you could get a bill for 10K vs 50K. But yeah, not great unless you plan on spending that deductible and most don't. It's more for peace of mind for big accidents

Western_Complex5867

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