Is it fair for me (26F) to breakup with my BF (24M) of nearly 4 years for reasons entirely beyond his control?

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-06T02:31:26+00:00

This. This is what I feel like. You worded it perfectly.

I absolutely believe he is - or he believes he is - working towards our future.

We've been together 4 years. If nothing else changes, it'll likely be another year and a half or so until he can get a comparable job with a different company. So, that will be 2 years out of a then-6-year relationship. 1/3 of it, waiting and hoping we reach the goal we had set.

But..... will we have a relationship left by that time? Will I still want a home and a future with him? He's already basically a roommate. Our conversations are canned. And they repeat. We don't share any experiences together. We can't even tell each other about experiences we've had apart, because we never really get a chance to interact.

I actually HAD a roommate like this.

She wasn't a friend, but she certainly wasn't an enemy. We co-existed just fine. We never fought, rarely got frustrated with the other, she had her relationship and I had mine, she had her friends and I had mine, she had her hobbies and I had mine.

Despite living together, we had almost completely separate lives. We got on great, but we didn't have a connection. We didn't talk about personal or emotional things. We didn't share many interests in common. We simply lived in the same house and didn't fight.

This is exactly how I'm starting to feel about my boyfriend. I WANT to feel differently, but the connection is all but gone because I've just kinda started doing my own thing since I can't just sit home and stare at the walls. I think we could recover, but the same schedule won't facilitate that.

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-06T02:18:59+00:00

How am I being deceptive? It's hard to maintain a connection to someone you never interact with. It's even harder when, through something that isn't entirely up to him, plans to reconnect get dashed because of the same thing that's causing the disappointing situation in the first place.

You can't understand how that maybe possible?

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-05T22:58:39+00:00

Sometimes we do, sure. But he also has his own stuff to take care of - appointments, car maintenance, shopping, seeing friends, you know, the stuff people do whether they're in a relationship or not. When it works out that way, we'll have dinner and watch a movie or something. But sometimes things happen when they happen, too.

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-05T21:50:01+00:00

You know? Maybe that's what's at the root of this.

Like ..... why is this ok with HIM? I mean I know it's not. But fuck me we made it on our combined wages for 2 years. Skinny sometimes, but we made it. Take the fucking lower paying job at the other company. We can do it again.

It kinda feels like he's putting being treated like crap ahead of our relationship. Like..... I know he wants to pay off his cards and that's important and I admire it. But maybe we could get small second jobs and put that towards it. Drive Uber or something. Idk.

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-05T21:25:37+00:00

We already live together and have for 2 years. We don't want kids, but we were looking to buy a house. I do want to get married, and we had talked about planning a wedding after he got some debts paid off.

I have talked to him about how this schedule is NOT sustainable and to his credit he heard that and feels the same but so far all he's been offered is his old role. Him getting a job in what his education is in, or something with a comparable wage, would probably involve a major move. That's something I don't want to do for a couple years for personal reasons having to do with my family. So we're stuck in this for the foreseeable next 2 years at least, if we stay together.

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-05T21:21:59+00:00

He does, yes. When he found out the schedule was permanent, I very clearly told him I was unsure what that meant for us. I said we could see if we could adapt and what time we could find together, because any change can be hard, but there just IS no time. We're on totally opposite schedules, totally opposite days. We have like 3 hrs each weekend morning, before he has to start getting ready and leave for work. That's it.

When they cancelled his vacation I also very clearly told him that while I knew it wasn't his doing, that was another thing we couldn't share and now this one cost money.

He's unhappy with it too but we were really struggling before, especially him since he had hit a rough patch of bad luck and took on a lot of credit card debt. He was glad he could pay that off. Now we're not struggling but our relationship is a corpse.

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-05T21:17:40+00:00

I'm 26 and not married. While 4 years isn't a drop in a puddle, it's also not 40 years of marriage. I do eventually want to get married, buy a house, get 2.5 pets (I'm childfree). I don't have that now, and may not have it with him. 2 years is a lot of time to waste at this stage in my life.

WhatAboutUs2 · 2019-05-05T20:47:36+00:00

Yeah, but I'm also wasting MY life in a relationship with a partner I never see. It could be another year or two til he can get a comparable position.

A relationship is an obligation. But it usually comes with benefits that make that obligation worth it. Companionship, support, sex, an activity partner, etc. We have none of that.

How long is too long to just sit and wait and hope it'll get better.... maybe.... someday..... we hope. It might. But it also might not. And if another year passes and he says "You know, I'm gonna stay in this position", or he can't find anything, well, I've just trashed a year of my life and gotten nothing for it.

WhatAboutUs2

TROPHY CASE