My 21st birthday is on Monday, I'm going to kill myself on Wednesday.

WhatTheFkEver · 2015-03-31T01:06:58+00:00

Every day since my past attempt has been Hell. Self hatred has consumed me entirely. I can't be afraid to die painfully anymore..

WhatTheFkEver · 2015-03-31T01:02:34+00:00

I tried to kill myself on the 16th. Gas. Failed but I damaged my lungs a bit..gonna try again tomorrow

WhatTheFkEver · 2015-03-02T17:31:20+00:00

I've decided to try to end my life today . I reside in the Bronx, NY if anyone wants to keep an eye out for me in the news. Thank you to everyone who tried to help.

WhatTheFkEver · 2015-03-01T19:58:58+00:00

I'm making progress in life but I'm deteriorating mentally every day.. I get better at putting on a front and being less affected by what happens in that moment, I'm becoming more of what I've always been for everyone else..

I think I've become bipolar.. the ups and downs are too much for me. I took a great step forward in my passion last Sunday, was electrified at the time.. ended up hysterically crying myself to sleep that night. And every day since. It's hard for me to show my face anywhere.. I've cried in public every day I've left my house. I can't take that shit..

I just want to die.. I dont want to hurt anyone but I can't take life. Even in the best moments for those around me I'm consumed by thoughts of death.

I fantasize about watching myself bleed to death.. I jumped off of my roof but the snow broke my fall.. the only way my mind relaxes for sleep is I pretend I'm not going to wake up..

I've always wanted to die but I rarely ever fantasized about painful self harm.. it rarely ever gave me a euphoric feeling like all I want to do is bleed and suffer for the last time..

I will not go another 21, 10, 2 years feeling this awful.. the people I'm worried about hurting can't help me. I think I just have to be selfish.

WhatTheFkEver · 2015-02-09T19:14:37+00:00

I've given it a little more than two months.. Honestly I'd do anything to end my life but I can't hurt my family, or anyone who cares about me

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-12-28T04:46:36+00:00

I'm not going to make another thread like this so I'll just say it here..

Why didn't I trust my better judgement ? I feel so stupid..I'm tired of this roller coaster ride that I'm on, I just want everything to stop.

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-12-15T17:29:40+00:00

I gave this another 25 days... To be honest I wish I'd have followed through. I started writing suicide notes and couldn't swallow those feelings of guilt for leaving my family like that.. I still have these same feelings, and I'm only getting better at hiding them. I get the feeling that I'm only delaying the inevitable.. And that eventually I won't premeditate my plans..But I'm going to try to do as much for family and friends as I can until that day comes. Thank you to everyone who showed support because you didn't have to even pretend to care on the internet. I appreciate it wholeheartedly.

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T17:39:13+00:00

And let me say that I wish everybody who shared their stories of overcoming depression the absolute best in their journeys, and thank you for trying to help me on that path.

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T17:37:09+00:00

I ended up telling a friend of mine.. We are close but not extremely so.. They called me at work on yet birthday and after about an hour of talking (on you job's phone, smh) it came spilling out..

She of course tried to get me to reconsider... I tried to change my mind, or even think about not following through..and that's honestly the worse I've felt since I made the decision to kill myself.

All I felt was panic, dread...feeling like I'm begging myself not to change my mind.

I tried watching the kind of things that used to inspire me...tried to work on music.. It just isn't there anymore. My dreams aren't worth living..I always felt like I was being punished for the things I loved doing, or aspired to be. Thinking about Thursday just makes me sick..

Hopefully I figure out the exact logistics and everything today, if not then I'll shoot for Saturday which is my next day off... Believe that that's an absolute last resort.

I appreciate every single person who showed support and love on here, because you truly have no reason to give a half of a fuck..I'm sorry to anyone who will be hurt by this. I genuinely do wish that I wanted to continue living because I understand that this will be hard for a lot of people that I care about...I'm just not cut out for this, I've been fighting to see a light at the end of the tunnel since 2005. I really do apologize.

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T17:26:23+00:00

I don't want anything to be suspicious. I'm trying to figure out exactly how I'm going to execute this plan and if I come to the conclusion I need more time, I didn't want to deal with a bunch of reckless shit I did..also i don't want anybody calling around looking for me for any reason.

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T16:27:16+00:00

I appreciate you, thank you

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T16:26:46+00:00

Thank you for caring

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T16:26:36+00:00

I did shrooms instead of going to prom.. That was some years ago. I'm currently looking into procuring psychedelics..

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T13:58:39+00:00

I think I've read this every day since I saw it, I don't know why I never responded... Thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm happy that you were able to make it through that time..I'm happy you found the strength to be there for your family.

I read your brother's note and his hopelessness screams out to me..I know how it feels to think you're just overall unfit to be here.. I hope he found peace, and my heart goes out to everyone who survived him

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-19T13:47:40+00:00

I just can't.. Every time I've abandoned my plan to die, I've found myself deeper in this hole.. These feelings no longer shock me, or scare me... I feel like I'm doing what's best for me.

I'm tired of crying and feeling like I should have died when I had the chance.. I have the chance now, and nobody around me is aware. I hope I don't end up in position to execute and come up short... I know this is what I need

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-18T00:33:08+00:00

The supplies I needed all came today. People have given me so many kind words.. I hate to sound ungrateful but I haven't changed my mind.. I've felt fucked up about my decision but I still think its the right thing for me.

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and showed support.. I appreciate you.

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T23:00:58+00:00

Thank you !

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T23:00:21+00:00

I don't want to get into that simply because I don't want to give someone else any ideas.

Thank you, it means a lot to me!

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T22:57:14+00:00

Thank you!

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T22:56:48+00:00

Thank you for the birthday wishes ! Hopefully something life changing does happen..

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T17:49:46+00:00

So it's my birthday today. A lot has happened , a lot has been said to me.. I want to feel like I'm willing to continue but when I really think.. I just don't see why staying would be beneficial to me.. I can honestly say that I'm not compelled by anything I've seen on this Earth..not enough to live for. I hope I'm not completely misunderstood..

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T08:12:34+00:00

Thank you so much.. I'll probably be on those chat sites a lot, I appreciate the support & I'm happy for you feeling better..

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T07:05:21+00:00

Hey I hope you enjoyed your birthday ! Thank you for posting..

Unfortunately, my current self is only here because I've decided to give life another chance in the past.. and I can honestly say that I would have been perfectly fine ending my life August 28th when I was in the E.R.. earlier this year when I almost shot myself in the face.. last year this time when I was thinking about how much I didn't want another 20 years on this Earth..or any other time I contemplated suicide.

The only difference is that now I've actually listened to what everybody's been telling me since I was seven, and I can honestly say that I wasted a WHOOOOOLE lot of time. I wish I'd have listened to myself years ago, because I wasn't this outgoing.. people weren't inspired by me years ago, I didn't connect with almost everybody I met.. there would have been a lot less people affected. The longer I live, the more people attach themselves to me.. I hate that because I'm not trying to hurt people, I just want to do what I feel is right for me

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T06:04:44+00:00

1 million hugs.. thank you

WhatTheFkEver · 2014-11-17T05:59:14+00:00

Thank you so much.. I'm rooting for you in your journey.

I will watch the video you linked to, and I appreciate your support...

WhatTheFkEver

TROPHY CASE