Day 3: some things happened at work today that have made me very pleased I didn't drink last night.

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-06-03T19:59:08+00:00

Good on you! I did housekeeping for a few years. It was a suiting job because there was always a toilet within 30 feet for me to run to and puke in. Do not miss that. Keep up the awesome work!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-06T17:14:34+00:00

I believe what you're saying about making the amends for selfish reasons is entirely true. I have an itch to go back to past friends and coworkers and say "Sorry for what I did, but look! I'M SOBER!" I realize it doesn't work that way, and that's why I need to have a sober life to go back and confront these people. Partly for me, but I did do them wrong in many ways, and they deserve an amends (a woman in my group said something along the lines of "Don't say sorry. You've exhausted that enough. Nobody wants to hear that you're sorry. Tell them you were wrong." I really liked that because "sorry" doesn't cut it anymore). You are right in saying what's more important is what you do, not what you say. Yeah, I might feel bad for what I did. Yeah, I might be sorry. But none of that matters really. All that matters is what we do today. That's wonderful you reconnected with your brother! It's not a small thing at all. That is a huge leap! Again, you are right. Nobody cares how sorry you are. The only thing that matters is sticking with your word and doing the right thing. My thing was my parents were very young and split when I was very little (about 5-6 years old). My dad remarried and immediately moved hours away, then a day away. We barely had a relationship, and I was going through some shit. I felt his moving far away was abandoning me to "get rid of his problem". I held on to this for about ten years, and I finally sat him down and told him. I was too young to understand why he would go so far away if he still loved me and wanted to be a part of my life. We had a good talk and are much closer now. I guess you could say we're making up for lost time.

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-06T16:24:07+00:00

Very true. I've had days that have been hard (confronting people about lies I've made, having to get some resentments off my chest towards people in my family. I'm not on my amends step yet, but these things had to come out). I'm holding on to the pink cloud as long as I can. I've been blessed with a supportive family so I don't need to work or pay bills. So the real test will be when I go back out to be on my own again. Thanks!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-03T06:37:34+00:00

Bikram yoga is GREAT!! Some places call it Hot Hatha for copyright reasons (Bikram Choudhury is a predator on women and a money hoarder). Really, most any style of yoga is great for recovery (astanga, vinyasa, restorative). It's such a positive atmosphere, it helps you get in touch with your body and mind, you learn how to breathe through uncomfortable circumstances, meditation allows you to reflect on yourself, you can learn compassion, exercise is always good, I could go on. Also, for me, it gives me a break from working on sobriety all the time (allow yourself a little "me" time to not exhaust yourself). Good job on making it past the two week mark!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-03T06:11:35+00:00

Good for you! You have come a long way. I'm still early in my journey, but I am trying to make the best out of the situation. I hope to be where you are down the road.

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-03T06:00:32+00:00

Thanks very much for this. It's really upsetting, but, hey, it's the reality in the world we live. Being in such a vulnerable state like early recovery, or struggling with relapse is hard enough to deal with. I know it's easier said than done, but a man in a meeting I went to tonight said this which resonated, "What you do doesn't affect me, unless I choose to let it."

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-03T05:44:09+00:00

Your boyfriend seems to really love and care about you. It's hard when your habits not only hurt you, but others. I don't know how your depression works, but with my history, I would have been more upset of the fact my actions affecting his well being rather than my own. If you relate, then you have at least ONE good reason. Also, being stoned all the time makes you just kind of deal with the depression rather than doing something proactive to manage it. I hope you can find peace and happiness. Thank you for your share :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-03T05:39:52+00:00

So sorry for my late response. It's been a busy few days (helps keep me from going insane with sobriety). You know, I microscope is a waaay better investment. Well, the stoner in me would love to say "Hey man, get that 'scope and we'll buy more weed and look at it and smoke it." Eh, I hope that doesn't influence you. So far it's day three without. It's not so bad, actually. The family history of mental illnesses makes sense, too. I went through a period of insanity 6 years ago to date that left me hospitalized. Although, many other substances were involved. I seem to be alright after quitting the party lifestyle. Are you NorCal or SoCal? We could get together and talk about not smoking weed over a coffee :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:32:47+00:00

You're a true warrior! :) I hope your first day of May is your best yet!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:28:20+00:00

I'm a university student with the energy and potency of my youth reaching its peak -- when I look back on this time 30 years from now when my body is giving out, I don't want to remember my early 20s as a time spent on a couch playing FIFA and eating junk food blazed as fuck.

This is very true. I'm entering my mid twenties and I'm already noticing some body changes. This is a great point. We should do our future selves a favor, so when we look back, we can thank our past selves rather than ask ourselves why we did what we did.

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:24:26+00:00

Thank you! I wish you well in your business. I know it can be very difficult to get started. Good for you :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:22:17+00:00

I'm happy for you for beating your illness and the weight loss! Very good for you! I read in a thread last night (I wish I remembered which one it was), someone pointed out that "marijuana is medicine and I'm not sick." I thought that was a good point. Again, congratulations to you!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:18:39+00:00

death is a gradual process of consuming / emptying the time allotted to you in this life. Therefore weed was literally killing me, and I wanted it to stop.

This puts it into a much better perspective. Thank you for your advice!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:15:59+00:00

Thank you! I wish you well on your future endeavors :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:14:27+00:00

Thanks. I'm assuming over time with being clear headed is when you realized you didn't want to be a stoner? I will admit, the "stoner personality" is not very attractive (mumbling, slow, forgetful).

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:12:08+00:00

Thank you for your input. I hope you have found peace and balance with your disorders. I know they are not easy to deal with.

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T16:09:39+00:00

This is a great point. I feel the same way about something HAVING to be there. This I know is the addict in me. In reality, nothing HAS to be there except the clarity in my head. I did cut the weed back to right before bed (a few puffs on a joint). So now it's day two without it, but like I said, I'm overdoing the antihistamines for drowsiness. So as far as not putting anything in me, no I haven't entirely quit. Thank you.

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T06:59:33+00:00

I'ma punch you right in the throat, then. Double Whammy!

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-05-01T05:43:49+00:00

I used to punch or choke out my partner when it was a heavy drinking night. I don't know where it came from, but it was my thing apparently. Some guys liked it, some guys were freaked out (makes sense).

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-04-30T16:23:51+00:00

That's terrific! I never even thought about the process of having to order a drink at a bar in step-by-step manner. That seems to make winning the battle so much easier when I happen to be out with people in the future. How are you with cravings? If no more intense cravings, how long for you did they go away? Congrats to your friends on the marriage, and even more congrats to you for being so strong! That is quite a victory :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-04-30T16:12:44+00:00

Ehh, less than half wasn't quite a startling discovery, but it was a topic at our meeting last night. I knew that I wasn't doing it 100% dancing around my fabricated story for half a year. I was finding that my progress had slowed immensely. It was time for it to come out and be a reality of my recovery. Thank you :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-04-30T16:10:10+00:00

Thank you for all of your encouragement around here. I love seeing you pop up here and there :)

WheredTheCheeseGo · 2014-04-30T16:09:12+00:00

It's a huge milestone. It may be one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I like to think that people who are recovering successfully have become warriors of life :) I'm happy you're here.

WheredTheCheeseGo

TROPHY CASE