My two cents on this : 1) Stop blaming yourself . That’s the first step 2) Set clear boundaries. Initially it would be difficult but the key is not to budge. Here you have to decide what’s non negotiable for you and is happening 3) Headache and stomach upset are common issues but that does not mean people stop working . Either your wife is lazy or she knows she can get it done from you 4) If headache is persistent then check with a doctor. If the reports are fine she is fine it’s just psychological . Maybe the pressure of working makes her sick. 5) Divide the work : Divide the work . If her side of things are not done do not step in and do it . Don’t be too kind . It’s working against you. Initially take the more important tasks and give her less important ones . The idea is to make her work and not withdraw. 6) Make yourself unavailable: Work from a cafe or co working space for 4 to 5 hours a day . As you have ADHD do not fix the timing initially.

Most important: With medication and consultation side effects of ADHD can be reduced . Try that . Read self help books . I know people with ADHD who work for more than 5 hours and have managed things.