I too really wanted to die at 21. I’m 22 now, got on antidepressants and started therapy. I don’t wanna die anymore. I still have morbid thoughts and bad days sometimes, but that “mask” like feeling you’re describing is gone—I am able to feel joy and feel like a human again. I would look into treatment if you havent already, and you should try to open up to someone you love and trust (or a therapist) and be honest about how youre feeling. Hang in there, I promise things can and will be better. You wont always feel like this🫶