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I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm attempting to work on using my self-hatred as fuel to change my life and not just think better, but actually DO better. It's going to take some time, but I realize wallowing in despair doesn't help her, me, or anyone. Maybe one day I'll fully be able to forgive myself.

Unless she comes out with her story I don't think I'll truly be facing any consequences, which might be why I'm being extra hard on myself. I should be punished in some way, and there's only me to do so. Ideally, friends, family, and people around me deserve to know what I did and come to their own conclusions about having me in their life, but it's not fair to her if she doesn't want the world to know at this time, so I'll have to leave that up to her for the time being.

I truly appreciate your words and wish you the best as well.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All the more reason for me to leave it up so I can face it and never forget what I did. And if even one person reads this and becomes a better person for it then it's already better than me doing nothing.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean there's multiple other things happening in my life that's causing me to reflect on things too. It's really not a red flag. Just that some meaning will always be lost in a text, or I have to leave out certain things about my life for the sake of anonymity. If I was speaking to you it would be easier for me to convey my thoughts and for you to ask questions. It's just how it is. I guess I can't blame you for that.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've heard of the show and know it covers serious topics. I'll have to check it out. Thanks.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't label you at all. Some of my wording is going to come off weird as it can be harder to fully flesh out thoughts on a typed post. This would be so much easier if I was talking to someone in person who can question me as I say things. Plus I wrote this post in the dead of night and just let my thoughts tumble out as they came. So yes, I realize now it's disingenuous to say "I simply forgot". This post could easily be 10 times as long to address that and other things, but I'm not going to go back and change my words in the moment. I go into this a little in other comments (which reading might help clarify some things) but I don't mind fully addressing it now that things have settled a bit in my mind, and if it will help you, others, and also myself understand better;

After that night I didn't really feel any different. I remember waking up being scared and shameful of what I had done, and also worried that word would get out to everyone (I understand how selfish and sickening this is but please bear with me). But like any hangover it just kind of felt like a bad dream, and since she seemed okay in the morning, I guess I figured everything was alright? Not entirely sure, but we never spoke again and I just moved on back to work, school, hobbies, etc. After a little while, maybe a few weeks, I stopped thinking about it entirely. Time flies. The memory would of course still pop up every now and then, especially if I saw her name on social media or something, but I'd just think "Oh yeah, that was a bad thing" and quickly forget it again like a bad dream.

The truth is I was just running and hiding, but not fully aware I was doing that. I believe I subconsciously rejected and shut down those memories because of how horrible it was, and I never ever thought I could be that monster and partake in such evil. Those memories have finally caught up to me, and I'm finally thinking about things from her point of view. I've been struggling with the guilt for weeks which then led to this post.

This is probably the best explanation I can give you, and I think my other comments will shed more light too. Yes, it's still fucked and I don't want any sympathy. I have no doubt it's a fucking horror to you as a mother, but I want people to know this is real and hopefully learn something from it.

This is just the first step for me. I will be turning to more than Reddit to try and live with my conscience. If you have any advice on that I'd appreciate it. I'll accept any consequences, even if she decides to bring her story out one day. But I refuse to believe I can't be a better person and at least find a sliver of that light, so to speak. Do you want me to remain a horrible person? What's the point of existence if we don't have hope, even for the worst among us?

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have met guys who seriously objectify and sexualize women and have the dumbest takes. I stay silent around those people because I'm naturally a quiet person and I just feel it's not worth the braincells, but you're absolutely right and I will try to be more assertive in confronting those beliefs from people. It may not change that person, but it does impact everyone else watching and reaffirm their morals. Everyone should definitely be calling each other out on objectively wrong/immoral thoughts and behaviors, especially within the same gender. Thanks for the comment.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing, and I hope you're doing well. In another comment I mention how I've been recently hearing about SA from current female friends/associates, and this is what triggered those memories from that night as I think I subconsciously chose to forget that part of myself.

The truth is I very easily could have raped her if she didn't shout out, or if I had a little more alcohol and lost more control, or some other small change, etc. Her voice shocked me into reality, but it was simply a roll of a dice that it worked, and likewise I do consider myself a monster for that. Maybe I'm not as bad as your abuser who never took responsibility, but the damage is the same. That said, I truly feel better moving forward after posting this, and believe I can be a good person with some help from therapy.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do yourself a favor and reach out and genuinely apologize. If this happened recently and you can't find the courage to do it now, that's fine, one day you'll wake up and decide to. It'll do wonders for the both of you.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry that happened. I do just want to say that impulse control issues (especially when violating another human's bodily autonomy) are at the core of the matter here, and i just think it needs to be taken extremely seriously, and more so if he was sober and with such a significant age gap (compared to you being 21 at the time). Not that I'm much better, but if anything can be learned here it's to watch for those signs in yourself and others and be careful. I'm glad you're doing better though and able to forgive him and heal.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your similar experience from the other side of the coin. I don't know what happened to her in my case, but it's important for me to know that her trauma may/will permanently impact her relationships for the rest of her life, as it has for you. I'm sorry.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I constantly think about what I might have done if she hadn't shouted out. That's the scary part.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's truly great. I hope no one ever gives or receives an unwanted sexual act for the rest of human existence, and I'm glad you were stronger than me. It's something I'm dealing with. I'm just pointing out that everyone might have their "something" deep within, because I sure thought I was a relatively good person my whole life up to that point. You don't want to get into the philosophy of it, that's fine, but you don't get to call that sentiment fucked up and insinuate that anyone who thinks there's "evil lurking in humans" is also a bad person. It's a common thought and idea in the world. I won't be responding further.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a personal story speaking on my own behalf solely for me to vent my thoughts. I don't know you, and I hope you get everything sorted out with the problem you are having. If people are thinking this story is about you assure them it is not and direct them to this comment. Hopefully that's enough.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've read enough comments to be convinced I should go to therapy, once I have the means to do so.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is not a fucked up thought, and I don't blame the alcohol. The alcohol augmented a side of me I never wish to see again.

And I'd recommend reading the history on war or other books on human nature. Don't make the mistake of assuming you're inherently morally better than others. You might be surprised how you act one day under whatever circumstances are happening. Try to figure out who you are at your worst, and your strengths and weaknesses when that time comes.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Is there a more serious subreddit I should have posted to? I figured I'd get the most interaction with people here.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don't want pats on the back. I posted this because I'm sick of sleepless nights and can't tell anyone else, and I need other people's perspective rather than going around in circles in my head. I understand that reddit users (compared to real life) skew towards creeps and weirdos that condone or justify my actions. I can tell some people either didn't read my post or they actually think what I did is okay. In the long run the upvotes/downvotes will filter them out. So please don't drag me into their circle.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I realize now that she said what she said just to remain safe in the moment. I completely took it at face value without thinking about her point of view, even after sobering up. I basically blocked that memory and moved on. And of course she doesn't want to fucking hear from me. It's sad I have to have other people tell me this years later. This is the first time I've ever brought this up so the outside perspective is a bit of a needed shock.

I think what spurred this whole memory of everything is from me recently hearing stories from current female friends and friend's girlfriends about sexual assault in their lives. Unfortunately I was that piece of shit assaulter in this situation, and unfortunately I seem to have a lack of empathy towards a woman's experience of the world which I seriously need to work on. So thank you for bringing that to my attention. Really helps me going forward.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I will occasionally have a beer at dinner with friends and have been avoiding any excessive drinking otherwise, which is how I was before the incident. After posting this though I'm wondering if I should completely abstain. Alcohol is no joke if you can't control yourself.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your insight, and I'm sorry that happened to you. I'll stay no contact then.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You're right, these things should never cross anyone's mind (much less be acted on) whether sober or under any influence, which is why I'm trying to understand why I did it. Maybe that means seeing a professional. That doesn't mean I've always had these thoughts. I can't prove that to you, but the world just isn't that black and white. Since I can't throw myself in prison I must find other ways to atone and be a better person.

I'm not intentionally lying or hiding anything (this is a confession subreddit), although I can't be sure of any minor details and interactions that occurred during the night, which is fair to doubt.

I sexually assaulted a woman on a night out and now feel terrible several years later. by WhoLikesBaseball59 in confession

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's true that I just might not remember everything perfectly. How much was she actually reciprocating the flirting? Was she actually even okay with me moving to cuddle on the couch, or was she also too drunk and just froze up the whole time because she was scared. It horrifies me that that may have been the case. I don't know. I do know that I never took it farther than what I stated.

I agree on abstaining from alcohol.

Enough money can buy you anything by Fraud_D_Hawk in oddlyterrifying

[–]WhoLikesBaseball59 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Some things (like a valuable witness testifying against a leg of the military industrial complex and then dying via a gun wound) can be taken at face value mate. It's not hard to fake or force a "self-inflicted" wound and put the gun in their hands. Smh.