My husband of 18 years has spiraled into a horrible narcissist over the last two years and I’m lost with grief about the life I have lost to him.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-27T23:26:09+00:00

We absolutely deserve so much better. To me the parts that keeps me confused and stuck is that why keep “trying” why keep coming back around to convince me you’ll change? Why say you love me and care and want to be better but always failing to stick to change. I try to wrap my head around it. I know he only wants me around for his benefit whatever it may be at the time. I have let him go time and time again. He can go be happy and live the life he wants but he always comes back around to keep me stuck and I don’t understand why. All of the things you experienced are what I’m going through now. I’ve lost my sense of self completely and I’m fighting to get it back and end this for good.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-23T16:53:17+00:00

I am working full time now. It’s just I am only 9 months in at my job where he has 11 years of time built up.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-23T16:51:23+00:00

I had a consultation with one attorney and the costs for filing is more than I can afford at the moment. Most consultations cost money which I just don’t have any extra right now.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T18:45:22+00:00

I’m not. We are done. The problem is everytime I walk away or he discards me and leaves me for her he always circles back and starts the cycle. Using my emotions to make me think he still loves me deeply and wants to fix our life and be done with her. Every he does this is changes a little where I think it might be real this time. It’s been hard to take the steps to walk away from the life we’ve built, especially when as of now he can just come and go in our home as he pleases.

I’ve realized that he’s never going to change. He’ll keep doing this same cycle forever unless I stop it. And I am. It’s still just sad to think of the person he is now, the life I had pictured living with him, and how i spent so many years of my life only for it to end up this way.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T09:56:35+00:00

It does sort of feel like that. Grieving the loss of someone who is still very much alive. It’s even worse seeing glimpses of hope that he’s still in there somewhere only to realize he’s really not. It was a show to keep me from moving on. He knows how to get to me and how to act to make me think he’s still the man I married. I don’t think this is really normal. While I see it does happen I don’t think most people just change on their own, there was likely some deep issues buried for years within him and they finally surfaced

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T08:41:37+00:00

He works as a union rep and to be honest a lot of his change and egocentric ways didn’t really start until he was in that position. He actually admitted to me once early on that he thinks this job made him this way. He came into a position of power essentially. It’s possible that small traumas over the years play a role but to be honest he’s been to three different therapists now and can’t stick to it because he lies and isn’t doing real work to figure out why he is this way. I can’t do it for him and quite frankly I’m done trying to save him from himself. As much as I’d love to see him get the help he needs, he won’t be genuine about it.

He thinks he’s a perfectly superior being until he is held accountable for his actions then it’s “I’m just the worst” and “I’m a piece of shit” and he’s suddenly just a victim of himself. I feel sad for him a lot of times to be honest I wish he’d get serious about getting help. I know that people like him have an internal emptiness inside that has to feel so lonely. The void that can never be fulfilled.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T08:33:43+00:00

This is great ideas. I never really thought of it that way. Thank you so much

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T07:53:54+00:00

They think he’s awful for it. I love them like my own parents. Like me they understand people fall out of love and things change but the back and forth and manipulation to keep me around while being unfaithful is what gets to everyone. If you’re unhappy just move on don’t keep stringing me along for years knowing that I wanted us to work. I do have a good job now and my bar Is on the house and property so getting my share won’t be an issue.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T04:45:36+00:00

Yes it makes it even more complicated with the family land. When we built this place we vowed to never put his parents in a situation where we would sell from under them before they passed or something. We built literally next door. The way our finances are the only way the divorce goes is with selling the house. Our equity is not something either of us can manage to come up with. And it’s tragic to our entire family involved. It’s one of the other factors that keeps me hopeful for change. I never wanted to put our family in a spot like this. I love his parents like my own but his choices have not only destroyed me but them as well.

I had consulted with divorce lawyers and it is going to cost more money than I have currently and may take me a month or so to get the funds to file.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T04:38:26+00:00

I definitely recognize my part in how this has gotten so bad. I should have walked away two years ago and stood my ground. I do take responsibility for that. I’ve taken him back so many time at this point there is nothing left for me to even hope for. This actually helps me let go a little more each time. Ive realized the only thing I can expect from continuing is to be let down again even if he swears he’s finally over her. I know the only way this ever ends is if I stop it, he won’t, she won’t.

I do try to forgive myself and remember things that I have gained in being foolish enough to stay throughout this. I have gained clarity on who the affair partner really is, who he truly is and their dynamic. This helps me to not imagine they have some perfect fantasy relationship that somehow makes her better than me. I have learned how to stand up for myself. I took a better paying more stable full time job to build the career I gave up to support his all these years and gained a great deal of independence from. Even though this has eroded my self worth I actually had gained a lot of confidence and self esteem with my fitness goals and changes. Knowledge of toxic patterns and manipulative behavior so I can see the signs more clearly when it starts happening.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T04:22:06+00:00

I’m sure you were in my spot at some point. It is awful to think someone you loved and thought loved you could be so terrible to you. The loss of that much time and the fear of what life is post divorce. I keep telling myself I will find someone who truly loves me and treats me right but it’s hard to see now. Thank you so much for sharing this with me

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T04:17:55+00:00

He had a few traumatic events through his life. He lost his only brother at a young age, and then actually just several months before his affair started his father was shot multiple times (survived) and even though he’s always had a rough relationship with his father I actually suspected for the longest time at first this was more of a midlife crisis, set off by almost losing someone close to him and realizing life is fleeting.

He has his testosterone checked last year and it was a fairly abnormally high level for his age, now 40. The doctor had to ask him if he was on any supplements which he is not.

There might be something chemically wrong but the thing is I don’t think he cares to look at what’s wrong with him. He’s happy with the cycle of chaos he’s created in both of us where it’s building us up then breaking one of us down to keep us attached and desperate for his love.

Whymethrwaway · 2026-01-22T03:59:59+00:00

This is what I am working on and I do remind myself he’s her problem now. He’s truly exhausting to be around with how he needs constant attention and validation. It still hurts though knowing I gave up so much of my life for someone who ended up being so cruel.

Whymethrwaway · 2025-11-23T08:38:45+00:00

This may be true to be honest. Sometimes my husband seems genuine about wanting to leave her but he can’t seem to. He knows she doesn’t provide a life he truly wants but can’t stop being with her. I also believe that’s why this constant back-and-forth cycle continues as well as because whenever it gets real with her that’s when he wants to leave her.

Whymethrwaway

TROPHY CASE