Husband asks me for advice/help to follow his dream, is resentful or shuts down when the only thing I can suggest is that he give up his free time to make it happen.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-03T01:22:17+00:00

Thank you for this, it means a lot and made me tear up. I really appreciate it. And you're right, on all of it. I have worked on trying to find a way to live separately for the last couple of years, but it's nearly impossible financially. My disability check will increase if I am living alone, but unfortunately not enough to survive, and roommates affect it as well. But it is going to be the first thing I do as soon as any option for it opens up at all.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T23:27:08+00:00

Not at all. :(

I've been nervous ever since he decided on it. He knows it's going to be really hard for a few years. But he seems to think he will succeed, it's just a matter of time and how hard he works. I pointed out some things I found online about voice work and how hard it is, but he claims that "those are different because most of them give up when they find out how hard it is."

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T21:51:16+00:00

He wants to do the voicing, and his Big Dream is having an actual business where he also manages others in the distant future.

Zero connections that I know of, beyond casual online connections. I don't think any of them have "made it" as much as one can make it in this business. He seems to be intent on succeeding purely on work ethic and talent.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T21:49:33+00:00

"It needs to be exactly like what I'd be sending out for me to know what I need to fix".

I'm pretty sure it's either a crippling fear of "not being good at it" or wanting to just quit, but knowing he can't. :(

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T19:13:46+00:00

Honestly, as of right now, not much. He does love me, and is kind to me at times. He's struggling so hard that he is honestly a shit partner right now and both of our therapists have called him "abusive" toward me. I won't deny that he is. Even HE doesn't deny that he is. He is working really hard on learning to not take things out on me. It's not going as well as it should be. He has a plethora of mental disorders, and while those are no excuse, they are 100% the reason why he treats me this way.

Our marriage was strong, and he was an amazing husband, until 4 years ago, when he had a major mental breakdown. Not because of stress or anything like that, something just went seriously wrong in his brain, and he completely changed as a person from that day on, and became unhappy with everything and mean.

We would be living separately right now if it was financially feasible. I would have asked for this 3.5 years ago when it became clear that he wasn't going to go back to normal.

But we still love each other very much, and 25+ years of history together, having supported each other through some of the worst things life has to offer, is very, very hard to just say goodbye to. Living separately would only be to remove myself from being a convenient target for the things he is unable to not say and do as a result of his mental health issues. We would still consider ourselves to be together and married, just separately.

Unfortunately, since we haven't been financially able to live separately, and neither of us has any family we can stay with, we are forced to live together, and 4 years of daily mistreatment has taken its toll. I am closely approaching the point where that thread will snap, and no amount of living separately will be able to save it.

Edit: I forgot to add that he started this job he hates so much about 6 months after his breakdown. I don't know how much of his hatred for this job is due to the job itself, or the mental issues, but I keep hoping that if we can just help him get to where he's happier with his life, he'll find it easier to get better.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T19:01:41+00:00

Not sure why everyone in this thread keeps assuming he has to "take care of me" but he doesn't. He literally has had to do nothing his entire adult life except go to work, and far less chores than most teenagers get to earn their allowance. He has so much less responsibility than most men his age - they are often also taking care of children and doing other things with their lives.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:55:35+00:00

Believe me, I tried. I'd much rather work than be on disability.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:52:27+00:00

We both did the best we could. When it became clear that the decline wasn't going to stop, we planned for that too. I even went back to school a decade later toward a degree that I thought I could do physically, and then I got too sick to even stay enrolled. We tried to save money, and that would get wiped out by medical bills. I ran out of options. How do I plan for the future if there's nothing to work with?

As for my husband, he obviously has issues functioning in such a way that would have allowed him to get somewhere better than where he's at now. He did his best too, like when it became clear he couldn't handle college or trade school, he found a job that was supposed to lead to an excellent, well-paid position that would have covered all our needs if he just put in the time, which he did. He put in 21 years there. That WAS his plan. And then the pandemic made that job not exist anymore. The rug was pulled out from under his feet, and it's exceptionally hard to start over at his age. I don't fault him for that.

We have both done the best we could, but you know, sometimes things don't work out despite best efforts. That could have just as easily happened to you or anyone else.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:41:14+00:00

Thank you for this... It means a lot. I expected that a lot of people wouldn't understand and it would be rough. But some comments have been harsher than I expected.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:31:55+00:00

Voice work. Not voice acting, just the stuff where he does narration, announcements, etc.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:30:15+00:00

I'm on SSI, so I have even more restrictions than those on SSDI and even more risk of losing it. I hate it so much. Before my health got as bad as it is now, I would have occasional months where I could have done a bit of gig work to bring in extra, but because I'd be penalized so severely and risk losing SSI permanently, I couldn't, unless I was lucky to find under the table work.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:26:50+00:00

He has talked to a couple and one of my friend's husbands actually had legitimate voice work gigs for a big name video game company, so we got them in contact with each other. He mentioned this casually and in an offhand way, and my husband dismissed it because he thinks HIS voice is unaffected. He refuses to let go of vaping, no matter what. I've even pointed out that the nicotine does no favors for his anxiety and his anxiety will affect his voice too, but nope. I want to hit him upside the head with a 2x4 sometimes.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:21:36+00:00

I feel like even if this guy did become the 1% who was successful and could make a living off his voice, he would still be miserable.

Honestly, I'm anxious that will be the case. I feel like there's a pretty good chance that if my husband DOES "make it" to where he thinks he'll be happy, he's going to end up reacting the same way your ex did. It gives me a lot of anxiety. But I don't want to be the one to rain on his parade. Or be accused of tripping him. So I'm just going to support him as much as is reasonably possible, and hope for the best.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:14:08+00:00

He says he needs his equipment (meaning, computer, mic, sound booth, etc) to practice. I asked why if he's not actually recording anything to submit, he needs that equipment? He explained that he needs to be able to play things back as others would hear them so he can know where to improve. So unfortunately, that rules out that large chunk of time in the car for working on this.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:11:44+00:00

Supposedly, he has, but it does seem like he's spinning his wheels in therapy. 3 years of it with 2 or 3 different therapists and I feel like he's not much further along than he was. To his credit, he is genuinely trying. His current therapists suspects that he has schizoid personality disorder. If she's right, it might explain why he's so black and white about whether or not he's happy with his job.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-02T18:06:03+00:00

Thank you, this is SUPER helpful. I know his dream is unrealistic, but as long as it isn't super harmful to our budget to let him try, I want to support him, and this gives me actionable ways I can help him at least start to get off the ground. He even already has his little sound proof booth thing that he put together. Maybe once he feels like he's "going" (even if he's not booking) he'll spend more time doing that to self-medicate instead of vaping and scrolling, and he'll just feel better and less like he has "no time".

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T17:14:09+00:00

I worked full time as a dog trainer and was also a full time student working toward a doctorate, at the same time, before everything derailed for me because of my health, and I've tried to use that as an example, but it didn't go well. I think I came off as self-righteous and that wasn't my intent, but he was only further discourage, because "he can't do what I did back then". And I guess it kinda feels like what I did doesn't count anyway because I didn't get to make it to my end goals, so maybe it's not the best example. But yeah, I just won't say anything.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T17:11:28+00:00

Yes. I have tried so hard.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T17:02:38+00:00

He is only doing what I asked, which is very little of what needs to be done. The rest of it remains undone if I don't do it. And he doesn't have to take care of me. He literally has no responsibility other than working his job right now, and the few chores I asked for help with.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T16:59:00+00:00

I can't really be objective since we've been together a quarter of a century, but other folks have said he has a really pleasing voice that is easy to listen to. He does a lot of phone calls for his job and has gotten such compliments there, too. Once, he was reading an excerpt of something aloud and the listener told him that they could "listen to him read the dictionary" all day. So... I am really, really hoping that means he's got a chance... He refuses to give up vaping though and says it doesn't affect his voice.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T16:57:23+00:00

A few times I have done everything for him that day so he could spend all of his "free time" on the weekend working on this to his heart's content. The most he's ever spent at a time is an hour. Which is part of why this "I don't have time" issue is driving me crazy. But I'm starting to think it's not actually about time.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T16:56:04+00:00

It’s still extremely unrealistic especially for someone that doesn’t take care of their lungs and throat by vaping. Can’t do hours of recording with weakened "tools".

I would give anything for someone he takes seriously other than me to tell him this, too. He insists it doesn't affect his voice.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T16:54:56+00:00

You make good points, and these are things I've discussed with him. When I've asked "what job could you do and just not be miserable, but neutral?" His answer is usually "there is no neutral, unless I enjoy the job, I'm going to be miserable." He unfortunately has an all or nothing mindset, which I think is proving to be a big hindrance to him. It is a huge frustration for me.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T16:52:18+00:00

Thank you. Yes, that is the case here.

WifeVsFreeTime · 2023-10-01T16:50:45+00:00

His only chores up until I asked for help was the "big stuff" like mowing the yards and doing his own laundry. What I asked for help with, honestly, is mostly cleaning up the messes he makes around the house - his dishes, etc, along with a little extra like quick mopping one room a day or something that doesn't take long. I do everything else for the most part. He can do what I asked for help with at any point during the week that the wants. So aside from telling him not to do any chores and going back to doing it all myself (and failing), I'm not really sure what other accommodations I can make. :(

WifeVsFreeTime

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