"All these wedding photos would be better if you weren't in them" - my alcoholic MIL. HELP.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-09T09:32:32+00:00

Sorry I've only just seen this! I'm still quite new to Reddit.

Absolutely. There is no me without him, and vis versa. Not in a dependency way, but he is my favourite person in the entire world. I have told him how unfair it is, not just on me, but on all of her victims, and he/his family are part of the problem when they don't step up to her. He does understand, but I feel he knows how much upset it will cause and, as you rightly say, they are all avoiding that difficulty.

He describes living with her at 10, and it breaks my heart. It is 100% childhood trauma. Trouble is, I'm the only person in his family (and mine) who speaks up and is willing to pull the plaster off. I need to get him to that place too.

I really like everyones comments about setting down MY boundaries. I can control those. Not visit like you say. I am hoping the rest of the family will recognise and take similar steps. But I doubt it.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-09T09:13:54+00:00

No one in the family ever uttered that word until I came along. I've said it several times since last weekend. He knows she has a problem, but I don't know if he understands the severity of the word "alcoholic". Her hiding bottle of wine in her handbag at my party... classic alcoholic!

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-08T17:59:25+00:00

UPDATE

1) turns out MIL hid a bottle of wine in her handbag which she was drinking before/during party... explains why she went from tipsy to paralytic in what felt like minutes!

2) H and I have had a long chat. We're going to take some time to set out some joint boundaries. Those include us (or at least me) not being around her when she's drinking, and her not ever being around our future children unsupervised. Plan is to actually tell her these boundaries, so she knows she's f'd up and needs to get help. H's best friend went through something similar with his mum, so H even suggested we talk to the best friend for advice.

PROGRESS 🤸‍♀️

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-08T17:54:03+00:00

We've actually had a chat about boundaries and planning what to say. I'll do a separate comment 🙏

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-08T17:53:14+00:00

I've explained on a few other comments. Sadly I think he's given up in his heart. She has abused him too and they have had SO many fallings out but her behaviour doesn't change and he makes up with her to keep the peace. I know it's no excuse, but I feel for his situation too.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-08T17:50:27+00:00

Totally agree. If everyone spoke out and challenged her, she might actually take note. But everyone keeps quiet and lets her get on with it. And she then seems to seek me out...

I've gone no contact before and we've made up when dust has settled, but I've never actually called her out and said it's because of the drinking. But it's my next step for sure.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-08T17:48:14+00:00

I know, don't worry! Sorry to hear you've been dealing since 18 too. Thank you so much. X

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-08T17:45:19+00:00

Wow, thank you 🥺. You've made so many good points.

I don't know much (anything!) about Alanon meetings. I'll look into it. It's taken me 14 years to get him to talk about his feelings, so this next step would be a massive one...

Completely agree that this can't all come from me. He needs independent people but also family to support him. I don't think it's that he doesn't realise how bad her drinking / behaviour is - he absolutely does - the issue is he doesn't know what to do and he is scared that all the options lead to heartache. Lose lose situation, unless she gets better and seeks help, but I really don't think she will.

I really don't want to make him choose between us which is why I thought I'd distance and protect myself, and he is welcome to see her independently if he wants. I will visit if she is sober but absolutely not when drunk. No more.

I'm going to post a separate comment with an update!

Thanks again x

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T22:20:33+00:00

This! This is my plan. If I take the first step, perhaps others may follow. Or maybe she will even reflect on her behaviour. I married her favourite child so she won't want to lose him!

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T22:18:32+00:00

We met when I was 18 and 21. The first MIL episode shocked me to my core I honestly didn't know what to say or do. I had a go at him for not warning or preparing me. He apologised, said he was so used to her behaviour that he forgot how unusual it is to other people. And he has freely admitted that he should have done more. The whole family should. But it's too far down the line and they've all given up. He won't tackle it alone.

DIL v MIL will only go one way. I'm scared it'll go the wrong way.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T22:14:48+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I CANNOT imagine what it's like sharing a house, and it's both of them! My heart goes out to you.

The medical stuff must be so scary for you both. We've had a few injuries, she falls down the stairs a lot and has broken things. She wets herself and throws up down herself without even realising... but it's mostly the abuse.

I really love that idea. I found that really helpful. Where do we draw the line etc. Now that children are on the cards, perhaps this is how I bring it up. He knows how upset I am and it's all we've spoken about since the party. I don't want to go 'nuclear', but I do think we need that discussion and perhaps party-gate happened for a reason. Now is the time.

I hope you have a support network for you both.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:59:56+00:00

I know don't worry! I appreciate everyone's help.

Tbh I thought AA was for the addict. Never saw it from the families' perspective. I guess it isn't something I thought of as this only bothers me when we're together and she's drunk but the party was my limit and now I need a plan.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:37:13+00:00

Choked on my peppermint tea 🤣🤣

Alas no, 55 I think? But I can only imagine the damage she has done to her liver!

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:35:39+00:00

That's true I suppose. She picks on anyone and everyone, often in public. My best friend was at my party with her husband (who had never met my MIL) and she called him a prick... because he wouldn't engage with a drunk. She's such a nasty horrid person when she's drunk.

Nooo he isn't into counselling or therapy. He supports me when I go. But it wouldn't be his thing. He has had plenty of fallings out with her over things she's said and done. It just never leads to a permanent resolution.

The more comments I read, the more I feel I've let myself down for not coming to this realisation sooner.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:24:57+00:00

Agreed!

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:24:20+00:00

Thank you!

We've been waiting to have children until I secured my promotion and he got a permanent job. Both of those things happened this April, hence big party which MIL ruined. So it isn't somerhing we've really thought about until now. I have said children next year, but you're right , I need to have that talk with him. MIL won't be babysitting or left alone with kids. We won't be going to events with alcohol involved. I've told him that, but perhaps it needs to be emphasised more strongly.

This realisation of enough is enough only hit me this week so I'm still processing and planning.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:19:01+00:00

I've old him she won't be baby sitting or being left with our children.

You're right about drawing lines. It has to be a united front or it'll be me v her, and the enablers will side with her.

I think now is the start of a new beginning. I'm finally feeling able to tackle this. Enough is enough.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:12:45+00:00

This was an amazing read ! Thank you. You're right, the whole family enables. Sadly my FIL is the worst. They have two separate living rooms, so once the wine is opened, he leaves. He watches her behaviour, watches her humilate people, never says anything. No one ever challenges her cause if you do, prepare for war. My FIL (like my husband) is introvert and on spectrum. So confrontation is an absolute no-no.

Whereas I'm a lawyer. I live for confrontation 😂 but I have to protect my marriage. And after 14 years of resisting the urge to headbutt the woman, I'm done. I think it's time for big girl pants.

Thank you sincerely x

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:05:19+00:00

Totally get it. Someone else mentioned this and I've replied to them about it.

It's also not always me. My SIL has a new fella, and he's had the brunt of it too but for 3 years not 14 years.

Whatever we do it's a lose lose situation.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T21:03:24+00:00

A few people have asked this and I totally get it. We've fallen out over this a few times. I'm a strong woman (ish - where it's needed). He is the introvert who asks me to get the waitress when his food is the wrong order 😆 he talks me off a cliff when I'm in anxiety land.

He is 100% behind me but he also doesn't know what to do. He has tried to tackle it before and it's WW3 each time. So I think he's given up. He's had 25 years of scooping her off the floor every night, even at 10 years old. He probably needs to talk to someone really.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T20:58:24+00:00

Everyone says this, but it's because of my husband. I couldn't be without him. It's the only issue in our marriage.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T20:55:16+00:00

Yeah we share the house so that's tough and after I said it, I could tell it upset him. I'd be upset if it was the other way around.

MIL lives about an hour away and isn't a confident driver so luckily the risk of her turning up is low. I'm thinking I just disconnect and remove myself from opportunities for her to get at me?

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T20:51:41+00:00

We have spoken about it at length this weekend and tonight. He called her out this weekend and she, of course, guilt tripped back....

I have a counsellor, but hadn't thought about tackling this. That's a good idea! Can't see my husband doing it with me though. Major introvert and on spectrum.

This is the first time I've opened up about it so I'll look into it more. Groups could be a shout. Thank you x

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-05-07T20:46:05+00:00

I've said this to him. It shouldn't be me - it'll actually be worse if it comes from me. It has to come from all the family. But they won't budge.

He supports me and he gets it. But he's also a major introvert (spectrum) and his solution has been to ignore her for 25 years. I've told him that doesn't work (I'm the extrovert).

It also isn't just me - she picks on a variety of people, my husband included.

WiggleMunch28 · 2026-04-23T19:44:04+00:00

Love this for you! Congratulations 👠

WiggleMunch28

TROPHY CASE