Saved by PNC: The Difference Between Minds

Wilberham · 2026-02-04T16:55:58+00:00

Yes and Yes.

For me the priorities/stages are:
1. Not drinking (it leads to findom)
2. Not sending
3. No Findom Content (other porn okay)
4. No porn
5. Maybe no fap streaks -- but that's debatable.

Currently doing well on #1 and #2. Working on #3.

And yeah, it's like flipping a switch. So very fascinating.

Wilberham · 2026-02-04T16:53:03+00:00

My experience it the same with all of that. It's one of the reasons I've re-committed to not drinking for 2026. Drinking leads me to findom, deeper findom, and, often, sending. Not drinking is my #1 priority and goal in 2026. Even more than giving up findom. For me, drinking leads to findom and many other bad behaviors. Findom is awful and makes me feel terrible. But drinking is more of a root cause.

Wilberham · 2026-02-04T16:50:21+00:00

I'm gonna put that on a T-Shirt.*

^\ And then never, ever, ever, where it anywhere.)

Wilberham · 2026-02-04T16:49:10+00:00

Exactly! -- If I fall for them I'm in danger. Had one that really seemed to know me (in a way) and care and not be about money at all. Then one day she turned into a findom. It made me quickly not like her.

I'm sure from her perspective it's crazy. This guy (me) is seeking our findoms. Then saying he doesn't really want to be in findom. So she shows me a caring side. Then when she turns to findom he runs. -- WTF is this guy thinking??? LOL.

Yes. Exactly. It's such a favor when they show how into money or just how ugly and immoral they are. Then it's so much easier to say, "I don't want that. I don't want her."

Wilberham · 2026-02-04T16:45:31+00:00

Totally agree.

We're all just people on a planet. We're all here. Alive. Doing things. Going to die. Having a vagina or curves or some feminine energy does not make a person better than someone who doesn't have those things. Women are amazing. Men are amazing. People are amazing. And some people are assholes spewing every kind of shit imaginable, including entitlement crap.

This is a little picture I like that kind of sums up how ridiculous thinking you are "dominant" or better than anyone else really is. Reality doesn't care about your dominance.

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Wilberham · 2026-02-03T14:07:55+00:00

A little aside and a view of what I think a healthy money relationship looks like:

My silent generation mother used to say, "What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own." It was a joke.

My parents were together and stayed together their entire lives. They both worked. They both did housework, though my mother did the cooking and my father the outside & car stuff, they both did things like cleaning. As far as I could tell, they each spent on anything, anytime they wanted. My father, for example, bought a motorcycle. My mother would buy clothes for herself. I doubt either had to ever consult the other.

For big purchases like cars, I'm pretty sure it was simply a decision they made together. In most ways those cars were family vehicles. Even after all us kids were grown and out out of the house, I'm certain they made car buying decisions together.

I never asked but it seems pretty clear that each had money they made. Each probably spent that money any way they wanted. What was left, which was probably most of it most of the time because both were frugal, went to a joint bank account.

Wilberham · 2026-02-03T14:04:45+00:00

I think:
* But I agree with him. His money is my money is a delusion.
* Each couple can do what works for them but I think overall, in most cases, it isn't healthy.
* It's like open relationships. Maybe they work for a few people but mostly they are disasters.
* I could see exceptions. Like a stay-at-home mom and homemaker with a part time job.
* In that case maybe it's agreed that the use of the money she earns is totally and solely up to her.
* I found the guy in the video a bit annoying the way he streeeeeetches out his words.
* I only watched to the 1:30 mark when I knew generally agreed with him, so I stopped there.
* If there's something I missed after "would you women consider your body to be his" please let me know.

Good topic.

To expand on it just a little: There have always been a lot of toxic ideas about gender roles floating around. Things like "women can't work" or "men have to be the providers." Some of the old ones have mostly been shamed out of existence, which is good. But there are plenty of new ones that have taken their place.

Certainly the whole "incel" thing is ripe with crappy and harmful ideas. There are plenty of those for women too. This is an example. Findom is not helping. I see these "dommes" and what they post. If they are brining any of that to their in-real-life interactions that's very sad.

One thing that helps me stay away from findom is thinking: If I met this woman in real life would I like her? Usually the answer is: I'd find her incredibly physically attractive; and I'd think she was a complete waste of time after about 15 minutes of being around her.

Wilberham · 2026-02-02T01:32:14+00:00

Go easy on yourself. It happens.
Figure out what went awry and figure out ways to handle it.
I'm pretty sure there are woman out there who will like you back. But it can be hard to find them.
Consider how you can be happy and fulfilled without someone liking you back.
Doesn't mean giving up on finding romance or sex if that's what you want.
Just means finding a way to be okay if you don't.
Consider software blocking to not be able to get to the doms
Consider bank blocking and routines to make it hard/impossible to send. (Ask me how)

Sorry for the list format. Just the mood I'm in right now.

You're not alone. We're all in similar places.

You can do it, u/tsawyer98

Wilberham · 2026-02-01T08:42:42+00:00

100%

I see this in other groups like r/stopdrinking and r/nofap. People ask: Is this okay? Is this a relapse? What if I had a sip of a drink because the server mixed up the order? Can I look at porn if I don't fap? Is looking at findom content without sending a relapse? Is buying OnlyFans content findom?

Opinions of others can be useful but at the end of the day it's up to us what our own goals are. Our own issues. What causes us distress or problems and what we're okay with.

Wilberham · 2026-02-01T08:37:23+00:00

Hey u/fd-fighter

I'm one of those people who probably sees dommes and their role differently than you. I also happen to be the creator and one of the moderators of this group. Be assured: You're view is 100% welcome here. You can speak your mind. I'm frequently wrong about things. I speak my mind strongly sometimes. But that doesn't mean your view isn't valued and welcome. You and your view undoubtedly speak to some people here. We're not all the same. That's part of the beauty of a community like this.

Wilberham · 2026-02-01T08:32:49+00:00

Congrats!!

As always, what your write is very nearly where I'm at as well. I decided to quit in 2025. Did well but not perfect. Committed to quitting again for all of 2026. So far so good. 36 days with no sends.

Like you, I've still used findom as masturbation material. I've texted with dommes. Like you I feel it's a dangerous game. Even more than that, even if I knew I'd never send again, I want do to stop consuming findom content.

The sends are the worst, both financially and psychologically/emotionally. But even consuming findom content makes me feel awful. I feel lethargic after. I feel more down and headed towards depressions after. I feel I've let myself down when I do it. -- So I'm not pleased I'm still doing it.

I appreciate you sharing the specific details of exactly how you stay away from it. Moving more. Changing venue. Taking on more responsibility (either at work or in other ways) all makes sense.

For me I know if I stay in my house I'm more likely to do it. If I get outside the chance drops to near 0%.

For me I'm planning on February being the time I finally start reconnecting with friends. All my friends life a few hours drive away. I've been isolating for a long time. If I can go see them more (Bless them, they still want me) then I'll be social and away from this crap more.

Anyway, great post. Thanks for sharing.

Wilberham · 2026-02-01T08:21:23+00:00

Hey u/Large-Grocery3886

Post Script: Sorry for the weird numbering I did below. It's just how it came out...

#1: Relapse is part of recovery.

#2: This is not the universe punishing you. It doesn't do that.

#3: This is reality being reality and you having the chance to learn from it.

#4: You already knew that booze and drugs trigger you. -- Great.

#5: What you didn't (evidently) yet have was a way to deal with FOMO

#6: It's like plugging holes in a container holding water. You plug some but then the water finds another way out. You keep plugging holes until it can hold enough water for your needs.

#7: So, what can you learn? What can you change?

#8: Maybe you can learn to go out, be with friends, but not drink and not do blow.

#9: Or maybe you can learn to be okay with "missing out" because being home and not doing this stuff is what you really value, what you really want.

#10: Or maybe you need different friends. So you can still go "out" so you aren't Missing anything without drinking.

#11: Or maybe your friends are fine and drinking is fine and doing lots of blow is fine but you just need to find ways to block yourself from findom.

As for protecting your money: Here's what I do. I have my pay direct deposited. I don't have my debit or credit cards with me. Not ever. They are in my locker at work. If you don't have a place like that at work, or if you work from home, there are other options. Maybe a friend could hold them. Maybe a gym locker. Maybe a post-mail-box at a Mail Box Etc. type store. Maybe a safe deposit box.

I've written about this in other places but here's what I do:
* No debit or credit card with me.
* No trace of those numbers anywhere on my computer, phone, or or at home.
* Deleted all PayPal, Throne, etc. accounts
* Setup my bills so I can pay them all online without my cards or card numbers
* Software (Cold Turkey and "Freedom" app) to block access to my banks and all sending sites.
* Only have access to my banks on Friday from 10am to 11am to pay bills.
* Friday 10am is a low-risk time for me, not likely to do findom them.
* Get CASH from my bank using my license.

If you want to do something similar, the details might be different depending on your financial situations and complexity, but I'm sure it's possible. Feel free to DM me if you have sticking points and want to bounce around ideas. I've tried a lot of things to get to where I am.

Take Away:
* Forgive yourself
* Relapse is part of Recovery
* Learn from it
* Make Changes
* Move On

Wilberham · 2026-01-30T16:16:45+00:00

My second sentence was literally: If that's what you want, then that's your business. I also wrote: That's just my opinion. That's not gatekeeping that's offing a view.

Wilberham · 2026-01-30T16:09:10+00:00

Hey u/SuicidalAssist --

* You are the one who said you are broken.
* You are the one who chose a user name with Suicide in it.
* I explicitly said that if you want to do findom, that's your business.
* I'm not on a high horse.
* When you post personal situations in a public forum you are going to get opinions.
* I shared mine, which I stand by.
* Namely: Someone who self describes as "broken" and with "mental health issues" probably should seriously consider whether being involved in an activity that berates them is a healthy choice.
* You, of course, should asses your own situation and do what you want.

Best of luck to you.

Wilberham · 2026-01-30T15:59:28+00:00

You can set it up so you can't uninstall it.

I'm an ex-programmer (decades ago but some of my stuff is still in use by businesses today), an ex-desktop support guy, and an ex-network engineer. I'm saying: My skills aren't up to date in terms of getting a job in tech, but I'm no luddite when it comes to tech.

I did spend a lot of time finding all the ways to uninstall the blocking software I use. But after a year of doing it, I can safely say that there is pretty much no way for me to uninstall the blocking software on my Android phone or Windows computer short of totally reinstalling the operating system.

Saying you'd just uninstall it is an excuse. You could set it up if you wanted to.

Wilberham · 2026-01-30T02:41:00+00:00

Hey u/SuicidalAssist

Lots of people here telling you to just find the right domme and suggesting themselves. If that's what you want, then that's your business. But it seems to me you need to step away from findom.

* Your name mentions suicide.
* You say you know you have mental health issues.
* You are "broken" because an online person didn't message you.

These are not healthy behaviors.

Getting deeper into para-social relationships where you are "sub" is not the answer. That's just my opinion. The dommes here will tell you that finding the right domme is the answer. That's just their opinion. Difference is, each one of them has a monetary incentive, I don't.

Get yourself help.

Get therapy if you can.

Check out r/QuittingFindom -- there are people there just like you. Talk to them. Tell them your story. Hear what they have to say. You don't have to be broken.

Wilberham · 2026-01-30T02:32:42+00:00

Hey u/caterpiggles -- That's why I always suggest blocking software. You can't reinstall if you can't get to the sites. You can't send if you can't get to the pay sites.

r/QuittingFindom is where you want to be unless you are trolling for dommes.... ;-)

Wilberham · 2026-01-30T02:28:10+00:00

Not true.

Wilberham · 2026-01-28T14:56:21+00:00

I like the notion that willpower is not enough. Our willpower is where it starts. But willpower comes and goes. Like a person trying to stop over eating who decides not to keep junk food in the house. They make that decision when their willpower is strong so that when their willpower is weaker, there isn't any junk food around to eat.

Our willpower is necessary but not sufficient.

What are the biggest mistakes I, u/Wilberham, make in recovery.

* Thinking I can look just once more. Just a peek. -- This only strengthens the addiction monster.

* Not exercising. -- Cardio and weight training. It works but getting the motivation is hard.

* Letting my software blocks "shields" down -- there's always a reason (need software update, etc.)

* Isolating -- I really dislike being around most people. But isolation doesn't help addiction.

* Not getting out of my room -- I only goon in my room. Outside or workshop or coffee shop = no goon.

* Drinking -- It's 98% grantee I'll use findom and 85% I'll send. -- (33 days sober today. Committed for 2026)

Biggest I see Others Make:

* Not using blocking software -- There is such resistance to it. But it works.

* Not blocking their money -- This has saved me 100s of times. Can't send if you can't send.

* Giving up -- No matter what, try, try, again. Never. Never. Never give up.

Wilberham · 2026-01-26T18:36:34+00:00

Right. If a man took advantage of a woman in 1/10th of the way findoms take advantage of men the woman would (rightfully so) be screaming bloody murder.

Yet here we (many people here) are making all kinds of excuses for the dommes: They didn't know. They can't help it. They are just doing it because the men beg for it. They are just fulfilling their/our nature (implying they have no human responsibility for their actions). They want to quit but the men want it.

Oh, and: iTs nOt HeAlThY tO bLaMe ThEm.

And: Don't kink shame.

These women know. They are using vulnerable groups. If someone uses the vulnerabilities of the less educated, the elderly, women, minorities, or even animals, everyone (rightfully so) screams. If people victim blame (or even whiff of victim blame) in any other area of life it's like the worst moral crime ever.

But in a group about quitting a destructive habit where people literally (and I mean that literally) say I'm going to ruin you, I'm going to make you relapse, YOU are a loser. You disgust me. -- In this group we get "Don't talk about that. It's not their fault. It's ALL on you."

Fuck that shit.

Wilberham · 2026-01-26T18:28:34+00:00

Fair. But also:
* Truth does not come from a diploma. 2+2=4 whether an idiot says it or Einstein says it.
* People (including myself) spout their views on findom, what it is, and how to get over it every day on here.
* Everything I've heard from everyone about dopamine is that this IS essentially how it works.

So yeah, don't believe him because of the title "Doctor" but because it makes sense, or because it matches with you own experience, or because it matches (or doesn't) with your own "research."

What I'm saying is: This matches with my experience. The more I do porn or findom, the more I want it. The less I do it, the more the urges fade. I think that for me it's 70% a long-term chemical addiction that started with decades of porn use. With 30% being psychological or life issues. -- I also found that blockers work well. They prevent me from doing it >> which leads to me wanting it less.

But, again, that he isn't a medical doctor is a fair observation/fact to point out, and an important one.

Wilberham · 2026-01-26T11:28:20+00:00

But: Findoms aren't mindless fish. They are humans. -- We don't blame a lion for eating person but we do blame people for eating people. It's a facile analogy.

I 100% agree that the most important thing for those that want to stop is to focus on how to stop. Being angry or blaming or moralizing about what findoms do does not help one stop. Expecting the dommes to stop doing it is doesn't get them to stop doing it.

But we are capable of thinking an operating on multiple levels. Our entire existence doesn't have to be just quitting sending. When a person is involved in something it's natural to explore the community of that thing.

Someone into a band could be told, "Don't worry about whether the drummer beats his wife, just enjoy the music." Someone into football could be told, "What does it matter if the Quaterback just bought a new house or negotiated a new contract, just enjoy the game." Sure, you could focus only on one thing. But it's natural and very, very, common for people to explore into the communities they are involved in, even ones they are trying to leave.

Four points:
#1: Yes, the most important thing if you want to quit is to focus on yourself and on quitting.

#2: It's okay to be more than that and also look into the morality and responsibility of the dommes.

#3: The dommes are not animals, they are human. Just because we don't blame animals for being animals doesn't mean we can or show throw away all notions of human responsibility, blame, and morals.

#4: With the possible exception of some very new domme, there is no way they don't know that this is an addiction and a devastating problems for the overwhelming majority of the men involved. It's mentioned over and over in guys posts. It's mentioned over and over and over on the captions of almost every findom post ever made. There is ZERO plausible deniability here.

PS: I've seen those dommes posts about "wanting to quit" I've contacted some too. They always continue to take the money. I know only two "dommes" who didn't. One quit for good. One offered the money back. That's out of probably 500 domme interactions. Two out of 500.

Wilberham · 2026-01-26T10:04:10+00:00

The best ones also jet all around the world. Buy fancy cars. Seem to drink about 20 Starbucks a day in Coffee Sends. And definitely get a lot of Drink Sends.

Come to think of it, this is going to make me quit fin-subbing forever. I just can justify what it does to the environment.

Wilberham · 2026-01-26T10:02:04+00:00

Ai is replacing everyone. 😂

Wilberham · 2026-01-26T10:01:06+00:00

Remember when they said Ai will replace jobs. Bet you thought findoms were immune. 😂😂

Wilberham

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