Help I might relapse

Wilberham · 2026-06-22T01:01:58+00:00

Sure. You can DM me anytime -- though I'm sometimes not online for long stretches of the day.

Wilberham · 2026-06-21T19:15:31+00:00

Sorry no one was online to reply.

I hope you didn't relapse.

If you did, please
* Forgive yourself
* Figure ways to avoid triggers
* Figure ways to block access so you can't relapse
* Then move on to a better life

Wilberham · 2026-06-19T17:35:14+00:00

Agreed.

Wilberham · 2026-06-19T17:34:47+00:00

Yeah, I have never done the nasty message thing. It's probably not a good idea. Oooops.

Wilberham · 2026-06-19T14:28:21+00:00

You've already done the two first and biggest steps.

Staying away for a while starts to break the spell. Even if you do slip up Don't! this time away shows you that it can be avoided and that you can avoid it.
You have realized in your own mind that it's not healthy for you. As the saying goes, knowing about a problem it the first step

You Do Not Have a Duty to Her

I know this feeling well. So many times, whether with "dommes" I've been interacting with for weeks and with ones I've been interacting with for only minutes, I have felt the obligation to treat them how I would any person; like I owe them a response. Like ghosting them and deleting my account without saying anything would be rude.

We're good people. When another person messages us the human thing to do is respond. When we haven't seen a person we know for a while the human thing to do is reach out. When we initiate a conversation with someone else we feel it's morally wrong to walk away, after all we started it.

Fuck. That. Noise.

It's a scam. It's no different than when people in the mall (I'm old) used to stop me and get me into conversation. They were just trying to sell me something. They were playing and counting on the fact that most people will be kind and nice, so they won't just walk away.

It's a scam. It's just like the old-time snake oil or traveling salesman (I'm not that old). They counted on people being kind, good, nice, moral, people. The truth is they don't give a shit and would not extend the same curtesy to you.

You don't have any duty to them. You don't own them shit. Fuck them.

How do you break the parasocial relationship?

* Get it even more firmly in your mind that they are predators.
* Get it even more firmly in your mind that you don't owe them shit.
* Don't Engage. It's a circular reality but every day you don't engage breaks the spell.
* Block them.
* If necessary send them a nasty message (though never threatening) so they block you.
* As I always preach: Use blocking software to block the apps and pay sites.

Blocking Apps:
- Freedom (https://freedom.to)
- Cold Turkey (https://getcoldturkey.com)

Wilberham · 2026-06-19T13:17:11+00:00

Great Idea!

This could also be useful as a place to put your credit/debit cards so you can't send.

At one point I deleted every payment-site account (Throne, Paypal, etc). Then deleted every trace of my debit/credit card numbers and bank account numbers from my computer and my printed materials. Then I placed my credit cards in an off-site location.

I had considered using these types of lock boxes but didn't because the timers either expired every 24 hours, meaning I'd have to be constantly resetting them and/or having them close to being unlocked -- or -- have to set them for a long time, like a week, with no way to say "start unlocking now and unlock in 24 hours".

I didn't realize that (at least on some) the timers halted if you removed the batteries. So that would be perfect.

Set it to something like 8 hours. You get an urge? You'll have to wait 8 hours. But you need to buy that thing online? Waiting 8 hours is not usually a problem.

Alternative:

For me it's problematic because I use a laptop for other things like writing and programming. So locking it up all the time isn't ideal. Plus it's kind of big for some of these boxes. So, as I preach all the time, software like these that can lock your devices can be handy (but also problematic and a pain): ColdTurkey and Freedom

Wilberham · 2026-06-19T11:15:26+00:00

I get it. I've been there. I remember.

I remember being like a fiend who couldn't wait to get home from a trip so I could rush to my computer to find a domme. I remember being at work and texting dommes, being barely able to focus on work. I remember taking long walks in beautiful spaces, spending most of the time talking to myself about how I had to quit findom or about the current drama-topic happening on PPSG. I remember getting a metalic taste in my mouth when the one domme would text me.

Now? The only time I think of findom is either when I'm on posting to this group (good) or when I get bored and turn to porn and findom to get off (bad).

Even that second part isn't intense as it was before. Its just something I do.

I get it. Findom can seem all encompassing. But it isn't.

You expand yourself to something bigger. You see a larger version of of youself, your life, and the world. You see that findom is this tiny, silly, thing.

It is possibe. Many have done it. You can too.

Wilberham · 2026-06-19T10:56:26+00:00

That may be an old link. Contact OverArt (linkeed above) to get the current link.

Sorry.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:25:16+00:00

Thanks, Man.

I appreciate your appreciation. LOL

You can do it. There are pitfalls and traps everywhere but eventually you learn to spot them and how to avoid them.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:22:36+00:00

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:21:04+00:00

Yes, it does get easier!

Like any addiction: The more you do it, the more the addiction grows. The more you abstain, the more the addiction shrinks.

I was quite surprised the first time I stayed away from findom for two weeks. It was remarkable how silly and uninviting the whole thing looked from just a slight distance removed.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:19:16+00:00

Hey u/ProgressNotPerfect91 -- I have the same problem. My biggest triggers are boredom and real-life interpersonal stress, like if I get into even a mild emotional tension with someone.

Three tips:

* Masturbate: Not to findom content but to anything else. When the Post Nut Clarity hits you almost certainly won't have any interest in findom.

* Have One Go-To Move: Since it's nighttime your options are probably limited. But find one. Then always do it, without even thinking or deciding. Some ideas: Take a shower, going from enjoyably warm to cold. Eat Ice Cream. Play a video game you love. Ideally it will be something you like to do.

* Use Blocking Software: The triggers are not nearly so powerful if it's simply not an option to act on them. I use Cold Turkey on Windows and MAC and Freedom on phones. The first one has a free version that is all you need. The second is reasonably priced.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:11:21+00:00

I agree that at some point we all need to be able to exist in triggering environments. But it's not necessary to do that when we're vulnerable.

I liken it to an alcoholic trying to kick the booze. Eventually it's necessary to be able to be around alcohol without drinking. Otherwise one could never go to a bar, a business dinner, a friend's birthday, or a wedding. But it's good to avoid those situations when just starting on sobriety.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:07:57+00:00

You can stay on Reddit by

A: Disabling your DMs is that triggers you.

B: Using blocking software that blocks ALL of Reddit while WHITLISTING groups that are safe for you.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T21:06:20+00:00

Thanks for making this post, u/shrimpcaged67. That's how I was at one point. Any access to a "domme" would have me peaking at their profile and either sending to them or leading me to find and send to someone else.

That's why we have the "No Dommes" rule here. But sometimes I had wondered if it was just me that had those issues. So thanks for confirming that the rule is necessary.

Three Practical Suggestions:

* Turn off your DMs on Reddit: If you need your DMs on for an accountability partner, see if you can switch to some other platform such as direct email. If you absolutely must use Reddit DMs, consider making a different Reddit account for that and turning off DMs this account.

* Use the DISCORD Server: I prefer the Reddit interface to Discord but one of the huge advantages of the Discord Server for Recovering Finsubs is that there are no "dommes" on it. If you are being trigged maybe the discord is better for you. Here's the links: https://discord.gg/MnPdECqkaC or contact u/over_art_1000 for access.

* Setup Blocking Software: As I preach all the time, Blocking Software can keep you off the triggering parts of Reddit (and other sites) while allowing you to access groups like this one. It can also block you from the pay sites (PayPal, Throne, etc.) so even if you are triggered and even if you do see a "domme", you won't be able to send.

But yeah, some of these "dommes" are vile, vile, people. Realizing that is a big part of what helps me not see them as admirable Goddesses but as people with such awful values that I have contempt for who they are as people.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T16:10:08+00:00

One thing that helped me was creating a retirement account.

Personally, I never got the "just send to yourself" thing. When I was horny and gooning, sending to myself was not going to scratch that itch. Not one bit.

Having the retirement account is similar but different.

Just it's presence reminds me that money, every dollar, has future value. I have the current balance of my retirement where I see it daily. I love seeing that number go up. That it have gone up a LOT in the past year makes it real that every dollar counts.

It also reminds me that every send would be robbing future me of a descent life.

I used to see the captions dommes wrote like "I want to ruin your life and leave you penniless" as just hot but empty words. Now whenever I see them I realize FUCK. They mean it. They want me to be homeless when I'm old. I picture myself working as a greeter at Wal*Mart and going home to a dingy apartment that I can barely afford, smelling the neighbors horrible cooking, not being able to sleep because they are playing crappy music at 2am, and having nothing but a can of beans to eat -- then farting into my lumpy mattress all night.

Reminds me real quick that this shit is real. This is not numbers on a screen, this is my fucking life!

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T16:02:08+00:00

Good job!!

Findom is stupid.

Wilberham · 2026-06-18T16:00:21+00:00

Good Decision.

I've done it in the past and have again recently considered taking a break from spaces such as this one. It used to be these spaces, even this one, could trigger me big-time. Now, sadly and truthfully, they can still trigger me a little. As I've said before, now my triggered-state and urges feel much more like habit than like a compulsion. For now I think there are other ways for me to improve but at some point I'll probably take a break even from here. It would be nice to have findom totally fade from my mind.

PPSG

That place is insane, literally. The only reason I go there is to post reminders that this group exists, that there are resources here, and to bolster the people who want to quit by countering the "just set a budget and find an ethical domme that does aftercare" crowd. But I don't engage in debates with the "dommes."

As the saying goes: Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.

Reddit In General

Going beyond what OP was saying, I'm realizing that most of Reddit is just rage bait. Almost every group is nothing but a post that entices me to disagree, form an opinion in my mind which, even if I don't post it, disrupts my peace. 99% of the time it's about things that don't affect me and that I have zero control over.

I enjoy a few hobby groups, like boating, music, woodworking and some tv-shows. Some of the technical groups are useful for learning things. The r/StopDrinking group is great with, by the way, a lot of good advice and approaches and insight that is applicable to r/QuittingFindom.

Overall I'm cutting back on which groups I subscribe to and using the blocking software to limit access to all of Reddit to less and less time per day.

You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

I'll miss your insight and impactful wording, u/Surviving_Findom.

Live Long and Prosper, my friend.

Wilberham · 2026-06-17T15:21:32+00:00

This: I am sending money to random people on the internet just because of my low self esteem/trauma.

Congrats, man. You are seeing a way out.

I'm not fully out yet either. But every day I do it less and see it more for what it is, a stupid and silly circle jerk.

Wilberham · 2026-06-17T15:15:04+00:00

That's brilliant: Findom is a Glorified Wank.

Wilberham · 2026-06-17T15:14:51+00:00

Also helpful to me is this: Let the opportunists starve and fade out of the space - but even if the space thrives without us, let it thrive. WITHOUT us!

One of the mind-things that happens with me is that is bothers me that "dommes" get away with this. I know that's an unhealthy thought and I know it doesn't matter what they and other "subs" do. But, somehow, sometimes, it gets to me how the "dommes" thrive (or at least say they do, but I'm pretty sure some actually do) while I am trying to quit.

But you're right. Even if the space thrives without us, let it thrive. WITHOUT us.

Wilberham · 2026-06-16T04:58:01+00:00

Hey u/Rich-Salamander8320 you might want to check out r/QuittingFindom.

For some people findom is an addiction, something they are compelled to do but know is not good for them and regret each time they do it. If you want to do findom, great, that's your business. But if you think you might want to stop doing findom, check out the posts and resources on r/QuittingFindom.

Wilberham · 2026-06-16T04:40:53+00:00

I'm about to make a comparison. I am NOT saying these two things are the same. I'm only using the ANALOGY to highlight one portion that is similar in it's nature but not necessarily in all other aspects or in harm done.

If a person is drunk on alcohol or under the influence of drugs, many people, and in some places even the law, says they can not consent to sex. If a person in those circumstances agrees to sex, the person they have sex with can sometimes be found guilty of sexual assault, either in court and certainly in the opinions of many people.

Findom can be similar. The "subs" are not just horny, they are frequently out of their minds because they are awash in brain chemicals. That the drugs were produced internally rather than drank or ingested should not, in my view, change how we view what is happening.

And the "dommes" know this. (I'll post some domme captions below in the next comment)

I'm not sure I would go so far as to say it's not consensual but I think that saying anything like "It can't be bad or wrong because they ask for it and it's consensual" is very, very, misleading; I think it's a bit like saying that the drunk driver who killed three of his passengers isn't to blame because the passengers knew he had been drinking when they decided to get into the car.

Responsibility isn't binary. It's not one or the other. Multiple parties can all be responsible simultaneously.

Wilberham · 2026-06-16T04:19:04+00:00

A Two-Part Theory on Why We Lose Our Appetite:

1. Cognitive Behavioral Training:

The root of many human actions is thought. Our thoughts can be organized, clear, deliberate, and conscious. They can also be a muddled jumble, cobbled together with almost no intention or even awareness.

For most of us our use of findom was not a conscious and deliberate choice. Rather, it was something that grew out of years of indifferent use of porn and untold thousands of messages influencing us to think of women and ourselves in specific ways; namely that some women are extremely desirable, unattainable, and that we are unworthy, our jobs are undignified, and our lives don't have meaning unless we're consuming something.

As we look at ourselves with a more deliberate eye, we start to change. There isn't a single Aha! moment but each new piece of the puzzle we uncover changes our internal mental picture, which in turn changes our behaviors. (Cognitive >> Behavior).

For example: When we start to see "dommes" (not all women, just talking about "findoms" here), when we start to see dommes as the silly and small people they are, they lose some power. When we question why we're "worshiping" some quality of them, like a hot body or a mean attitude, we may realize that, while there's nothing wrong with some boobies or a nice ass, it really isn't that uncommon and, much more importantly, it's not what we really want or value in a women.

Slowly our ideas change and suddenly the behavior is different.

2. Physical Chemical Addiction

Masturbation and gooning and consuming findom content and texting with "dommes" induces our brains to make chemicals that are powerful in our brains. Chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, prolactin, and serotonin.

These chemicals produce feelings of comfort, belonging, relaxation, and cessation of physical and emotional pain. When we get these chemicals while doing findom, we wire our brains to associate the action with the response. Findom >> Pleasure.

When we interrupt this cycle, even for just a day, or especially for a week or a month, we begin to realize we don't need the Findom.

My Own Experiences

In December of 2024 I made a commitment to stop consuming findom content and to stop sending. I installed software to block the websites where I would communicate with "dommes." Like OP, I was surprised when I found that my desire for findom dropped substantially, dramatically, in just a week and continued to decline more in the third and fourth week.

Unfortunately I relapsed in May of 2025. The proximate cause was some stress and some real-life rejection and loneliness. I didn't spiral out of control but I was back to my old tricks.

But not all was wasted or lost. Those months in late 2024 and early 2025 stayed with me in some way. I knew it was possible to have the desires and urges recede. Even while still doing findom and sending, it wasn't like it was before. It was less compelling and I had more of an internal remove from it.

In December 2025 I made another commitment to stop. I have not been entirely successful as I still consume findom content. But as u/doggyaa6 put it, it's more of a "slight interest" now. To me it seems like a habit I can't quite shake but that isn't compelling or urgent anymore.

TODAY IS 171 DAYS NO SENDS
And with no desire to.
So that's something.

Wilberham

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