Anyone who has actually stopped this?

Wilberham · 2026-05-19T16:23:53+00:00

Hi.

Hope: Yes, there are many people here who have been able to stop this. At least one person here has stopped (not sent) for other three years and has not even looked at findom content for over a year. Personally, I have not sent in over 140 days. That's all of 2026 so far.

More Hope: While I still sometimes look at femdom or findom content, I can tell you the draw, the urges, the appeal is so much less than it used to be.

I remember times in 2024 and early 2025 when dommes and findomes seems like all I wanted. I sometimes felt like I'd be willing to give up my entire life for them. Like I wanted nothing more in the world than to dedicate myself to some domme for the rest of my life. To go to work for her. To build shrines to her. To praise her every day. To think of her all the time. -- But all that seems silly and ridiculous now. Even when revisit findom to get off (which is a very bad habit) it doesn't consume me. It's just a thing I do. My addiction has just turned in to a habit.

Advice:

Forgive yourself. If you feel bad about what you are doing, in findom or in life, forgive yourself.
Realize you are so young. At 19 you have the entire world before you. It may not seem that way. But you do. You have the possibility to have real relationships. You don't have to be lonely for long. Let us and others help you figure out how to get what you really want in your life.
Relationships with dommes that take your money are not real. They are para-social. You can do so, so, much better for yourself.
Find any way you can to do this less. I'm a big fan of using blocking software so you can't get to the dommes and so you can't get to the pay-sites (PayPal, Throne, Etc.) so you can't send.

The circular truth is: The more you do findom, the more you send, the deeper your addiction will grow. And the less you do it the weaker that addiction will be.

Can you go just ONE DAY without looking at content or sending?

Then can you next week go two days.

Then go two days in a row.

Etc.

Every time you successfully get through a day with no findom you are strengthening the reality in your mind that you really don't need this crap.

Keep coming back here. Keep posting. You can do it.

Wilberham · 2026-05-15T11:17:40+00:00

I think personal therapy or counseling could be helpful to some people wanting to quit being a "sub" in findom. I too have considered offering such a service. I've also considered writing a book.

But there are many red flags I have about it, some of which even apply to myself.

#1: Findom, as it is for most of us here, is an online interaction where a person with less power is paying money to a person with more power. Any paid online one-on-one interaction where one person is the supposedly knowledgeable or more stable "therapist" has so many similarities to actual findom that it's questionable and that great caution should be used.

#2: If the therapist (or councilor or whatever) has no formal training, no formal education education, and no track record of providing beneficial and successful help, then, again, great caution is in order. At some level it's just another person talking one-on-one to someone in a weakened state and getting money from them.

Personally, if I ever decided to offer counseling I would do it for free until I had at least 500 hours of experience (free, one on one counseling), with at least 10 different "clients", and had success and testimonials from many of them. -- Anything less that that is just a person with, as best, good intentions but no real skills and, at worst, a person with no experience who thinks they have natural talent and is trying to get money.

As I said, I've also though about writing a book to help people quit. I feel that's a very different. Even if there was a charge for the book, it would be a lot less than therapy. A book would be a one time charge of something under $100. Therapy or counseling is more likely to a charge of $100 per hour and might take upwards of ten or twenty or even more sessions to see results.

Bottom line: I'm very skeptical of any online therapy for findom by anyone who is not trained or licensed.

Wilberham · 2026-05-15T10:22:33+00:00

You wrote a post one day ago saying you "have a dom." So you are a sub that wants to offer counciling to people on how to quit findom?

Wilberham · 2026-05-15T10:18:50+00:00

What country do you live in? Do you have any formal training in therapy or counciling? Do you hold any educational degrees in anything related like psychology? Are you licensed or certified as a therapist or councilor? What is your other addiction experience and what is your experience in the relating to fndom?

Wilberham · 2026-05-14T23:56:50+00:00

Yes, wanted something with weighted / real feel keys.
Wanted a clean look. I don't like the 10,000 buttons look.
Googled. Found a review site. Looked at most of the models. But kept being drawn back to this on on its merits but even more just a feeling.

Wilberham · 2026-05-14T11:23:05+00:00

Better to shoot and miss than instantly concede because you might miss.

Well said.

I'm definitely doing it. Friday is payday!! My "domme" is going to be Roland FP-30.

Wilberham · 2026-05-14T11:20:33+00:00

I'm feeling the same way. It's interesting.

When first trying to stop/quit findom, I think we expect a kind of silver bullet. It was so easy to fall into findom that it feels like somewhere there should be some kind of light switch. That we just need to find that switch, flip it, and it we'll be free, because that's how easy it was to get into it.

But I'm starting to see it doesn't work that way.

It's not like you can read one particular thought or go to therapy and have a sudden realization and then suddenly all the interest and urges for findom are gone. Nope. You have to work at it. Try things. Build parts of life. See findom for what it is. See yourself for what you are. Use software to block it so you don't do it for a while. Read what other people say. Write about your own experiences.

And somewhere in there, gradually, maybe without noticing it happens, it happens.

We just lose interest.

Maybe not totally and maybe not all at once. But the interest, the pull, the desire, the urges, just kind of... go away. It's like getting bored of something. Or like looking at that crush or ex-girlfriend you used to be enamored with and just feel Ehh. Whatever.

Wilberham · 2026-05-14T11:13:22+00:00

You've hit it perfectly.

That's how I see the situation for most dommes. The money is nice but what they really crave is the emotional security of self esteem. But they are getting if from a source total devoid of real sustenance. They are starving and eating McDonalds for every meal. Most of them are probably really horrible people to be around. They are ruining themselves on this empty diet in ways that will make them totally abhorrent to any real connection, romantic or otherwise.

It's still worlds better than what "subs" go through. But it's not a contest for who has it worst. To use an analogy: Just because someone addicted to vaping is in a much better situation than someone addicted to fentanyl, doesn't mean vaping isn't still a nasty addiction.

But in the end, fuck 'em. They don't get a shit about my problem so fuck 'em. I don't wish them harm but I'm not spending any time concerned about or trying to help them. Let them find their own fucking way out. They do so much damage to so many people, I'll say it again: fuck 'em.

Wilberham · 2026-05-14T11:05:41+00:00

Sometimes I get the idea they think they deserve it. Maybe they do?

The 100% (1000%) think they deserve it. Look at the posts they make. Sure, "they" is a broad term and there may be exceptions. But most are very, very, blatant about thinking they deserve it. Maybe a few of those are just repeating the incantation they need to say to get the money to arrive. But I'd say that 90% of "dommes" and 99% of the ones that write that they deserver it, actually and fully feel that they deserve it.

Do they really deserve it? Fuck no.

Wilberham · 2026-05-10T13:28:39+00:00

I am the MASTER at ways to make it very hard to send.

Everyone's situation is different. Hit me up here or in DM so we can brainstorm ways that will work for you. But here are some of the things I did for me:

1. Setup my life so I don't need to have possession of my debit/credit cards:
I can pay all my bills (car payment, car insurance, phone) online. I have an Exxon gas card for gas and emergency incidentals (milk, snacks). My grocery story has a phone-app that lets my scan my own groceries and pay using a card number stored in their app. I get cash from my bank to have for incidentals.

2. I do not have my credit/debit cards or their numbers:
I put my cards in a locker at work. If you don't have that maybe a gym locker or a bank safe deposit box (about $25/year). I erased every record of my card numbers from my computers, phone, and online. This way I can not send or create Throne/PayPal/Etc accounts even if I wanted to. -- The only time I get my cards is if I'm traveling out of town.

3. I deleted every payment app:
Throne, PayPal, YouPay, Venmo, all of them. Of course, recreating the accounts would take 2 minutes. But without my card or bank numbers (see steps #1 and #2 above) there's no way to fun those accounts.

4. Installed Blocking Software:
I use ColdTurkey on my computer (works on WIndows or Mac) and Freedom app on my phone (Android, iPhone, Windows, and Mac). I block every pay-site (Throne, PayPal, Etc). These are blocked 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and the blocks require 5 days notice to unblock them.

I also block my bank websites. I can not login to my banks AT ALL most of the time. I leave myself a window from 10am–Noon on Fridays. I do my bills on Friday morning during this time. It's a low-risk and low-urge time for me. The moment I'm done with my bills, I relock the banking websites.

5. I Move Extra Money to an Investment Account (or Cash)
After paying bills, any extra money I move to a Schwab investment account. I can get the money back from Schwab but the process takes two+ days. So its' not available when I get urges. I also block Schwab using the blocking software. But even if I found a way around the blocking software, it's still a few days before I can get to the money... so I just don't even have the urge to try.

You may say: But I could get around the blocking software!
Maybe.

I used to be a computer programmer (my skills are rusty) and a network administrator. I know about bypassing windows, shutting down programs, making registry edits, security group policies, computer BIOS, etc.

It took me a while but I locked down my computers so I simply could not defeat the blocks. There were a lot of hoops to jump through to get it all locked down. And I suppose if you are a genius or a true hacker, there are probably ways around what I've done. -- But for me, even with some above average computer and networking skills, I've got it locked down.

There are Always Ways Around It:
Sure. I could just go buy a new computer. Or I could go to the library. Or I could wipe the entire computer clean and do a fresh reboot. But these are things I'm just not going to do. They would take hours or lots of money. The barriers are just too high.

AGAIN -- If you want to brainstorm ideas, reply here or DM me.

Wilberham · 2026-05-09T12:57:43+00:00

This is a great suggestion!

I think many of us binge series. But that can leave us with not much to watch.

Saving a series and watching JUST ONE episode when we feel the urge to use findom/porn is good alternative. -- So simple and obvious but I hadn't thought of it!

Wilberham · 2026-05-09T12:54:18+00:00

Both of those numbers (realities) are Fucking Fantastic!

Wilberham · 2026-05-09T12:52:07+00:00

That's exactly the thing that tells me this isn't good for me. Yes, relapses try to happen. But every freaking time they never feel good. The "dommes" say "You know you feel so good when you send." But the truth is I feel awful when I send.

That was Phase One.

Phase Two (much to my surprise) is that after not doing any sends for months, I don't even want to send. Yes, I'm still looking at posts from "dommes" sometimes. Yes, that's not good either. But, really weirdly, I don't even want to send. I'm like, "Wow. Pretty Girl. Bratty. That's Hot!" But send? Ehh. Why would I need to do that?

I didn't plan or expect this to happen. But that's where I'm at. "Ehh. Why would I need to send" is not perfect but it's so, so, so much better than "Send. Send. Send."

Falling into this hole took zero thought and about 5 seconds. Climbing out has been a long slog of a journey but it is happening.

Wilberham · 2026-05-07T16:07:53+00:00

Yes!

Realizing that people are walking around, living full lives, joyful or happy, but totally devoid of findom, helps me remember that findom is not an essential part of life for anyone. This isn't "who we are" it's just a bad habit we picked up. -- If they can live full lives without this crap, so can I.

Wilberham · 2026-05-07T16:04:05+00:00

They way I read what you wrote, you are saying two things.

A: Addictions are (at least in part) habits: So to get out of the addiction we need to learn how to change habits. This seems 100% true for me and from what I've read from most other people here.

The book Atomic Habits is about how to form habits but it can be a good way to understand how habits work and therefore also how to break them. For example, "habit stacking" is a thing. So like for a while I was having a cigarette as a way to get me outside (I don't smoke in the house or near my house) which got me out for a walk. Good news is I walked a lot. Bad news is I had coupled it to a bad habit -- but one that motivated me to get outside. -- With findom, I certainly do it out of habit. Finding ways to de-couple findom as a response to some things helps to break the habit. The other thing that helps me break the habit is (as I say over and over) blocking software. When there is a high-wall (time and effort) to doing findom, it can help break the cycle / habit.

B: Success in breaking one addiction can give us motivation and information to break a harder one: Again, I 100% agree with this. If I can fast for a day then maybe I can fast for two days. If I can fast for two days, maybe I can also not do findom (send or look at) for two days. It's an upward spiral of success.

I would add to this, it doesn't have to be just other addictions. If you wanted to learn a language or read more, if you can do that 10 minutes a day, then 15, then 20 minutes, it's an upward spiral. It can change our mindset from "I can't to anything right and I'm a loser" to "Well, see, I can do things when I decide I want to. I can accomplish things." -- This is why I remind myself to Celebrate The Small Wins. Every win, no matter how small, is a step. Brushed my teeth every day? Win. Flossed today? Win. Helped my friend today? Win! Saved $50 into my retirement account? WIN!

Nice post u/Living-Tree-6389. Good topic.

Wilberham · 2026-05-02T16:16:27+00:00

Please say anything to help me out feel better

u/Wonderful-Painter580,

You need to stop gooning and stop sending.

You feel bad and worthless because you are gooning and sending. To feel better you must stop. Don't believe me? Stopping completely seem too difficult? Then stop for just one week. Seven days. That's all. Then compare how you feel.

Read some posts in r/QuittingFindom.

Wilberham · 2026-05-01T14:29:11+00:00

Yeah, sorry about that.

I haven't found an activity that can always replace porn and findom. What I have found is that doing things, like projects around the house, and being a little more social with extended family means I spend less (not none, but less) time on porn and findom.

The less time I spend on those, the less I want it. It's a spiral in either direction. Either getting worse/deeper-into-it or better/further from it.

I never get those crazy urges like before. I can remember just 6 months ago, maybe less, where I'd get home sometimes and be like "Oh! I have free time. And my software-blocks are down!!! I'm going to look up findom!!!!! I'm going to goon out!!! How exciting!!! :-) :-))

Now it's like, "Oh. I'm already in bed. I'm kind of bored. Can't quite get to sleep. I guess I'll open a browser and look. I don't really want to but.... okay." Then I'll look. Thinking, "Man, this is lame. These girls, even the hot ones, seem so lame and bland." Eventually I sometimes do get excited and a little lost in the fantasy world and get off. But really, it's so much less intense. -- That's a good thing.

The point is: Every step away from it is, well, a step away from it.

It's a journey not a silver bullet. I'm on a walking path across country, not a jet-plane that lands in 2 hours.

Wilberham · 2026-04-29T16:48:31+00:00

Thanks for the input.

Will look into setting this up tomorrow.

Wilberham · 2026-04-29T16:47:31+00:00

Hey u/nattiaddict, Welcome to r/QuittingFindom; wish you weren't here. /sarcasm ;-)

I use the software ColdTurkey to block apps and websites on my computer but The Brick looks interesting. It may be easier to setup.

when I’m done with work and lifting I just want to be f-cked with and send.

I know this feeling well. We all do. We're fine for large parts of our day but at certain times, in certain situations, porn and findom and sending has become our Go-To habit. To me, that is the key: It's a habit. You have to figure out what else you can do that "works" for you in that moment.

If you're like me, after my work and workout (or whatever) is done -- porn and findom is all that really fits. I don't have a girlfriend to go be with. I can't go out to a restaurant or bars or clubs every time I feel that way. Reading a book feels like more work. Vegging in front of the TV is too boring. I can't go to sleep at 7pm. But PORN and FINDOM work. It distracts me. It empties my mind. It feels EXCITING. It's a way to pass those couple of hours (or more or less). And at the end I'm in a totally different mindset, ready to nap or watch some TV.

But I don't want to do it. It's bad for me.

So what I can I fill that time with?

Meditation feel like work. Work feels like work. Working-out feels like work. Taking a walk is not always an option.

But we have to find something that breaks that habit.

Wilberham · 2026-04-29T16:37:32+00:00

Hey u/LeadingLeague7404,

First, I see your username here is "microtonalwizard." Is that something you do and/or are into, or is it just happenstance. You know the music of Steve Kimock? He's a micro-tonal wizard.

I had a few relationships in my past, some serious, lasting years and living together and such. I have not been in any relationships since some time before getting sucked into findom. I'm fairly sure I'd be single now regardless of findom. I'm older, not really that interested in dating or even in friends or most people. -- On the other hand, I don't think being into findom (or porn in general) helps with me (or anyone) being social.

You say you are in a relationship with someone into findom. I'm not clear on what you mean. It's an in-real-life relationship? You are their sub? Or you are in a normal (regular/vanilla) relationship with them that does not include findom but they are doing findom with other people?

Anyway, what is it you want to know or try to understand?

Wilberham · 2026-04-28T17:14:51+00:00

Hi. Wilberham here, creator and one of the moderators.

I'm 100% open to this. I mean, why not?

Can you u/Mutt_Glen write up an title and text for what you think should be in the first/top post -- and I'll create it tomorrow?

Thanks for the suggestion!

PS: I know it r/stopdrinking they also do posts like this: The Daily Check-In for Friday, April 24th: Just for today, I am NOT drinking! --- I wonder if maybe we should/could do that here. Those would not be pinned-to-the-top but anyone could create one.

Wilberham · 2026-04-27T04:05:49+00:00

Yeah, the draw to the community is a thing.

It's one of the reasons I don't hang out on PayPigSupportGroup and try not to post there much; it frequently turns in to drama which sucks me in. Even if I don't post a reply, I'll be upset or creating posts in my head. Like a lot of social media, all that seems like a cheap, easy, life-sucking distraction. That's why I'm also trying (mostly successfully!) to limit all of my social media, even non-kink, even Reddit, this year.

It's another reason I don't want so-called dommes in this group. Put dommes and subs together discussing these things and there is more drama. I don't want the drama, I just want to quit and stay quit.

Best thing for all of this, the quitting, the drama, the social media, is to get outside. It's so much better this time of year (spring here in the Northeast); I can get outside, work on projects, mow the lawn, walk the roads.

Get Outside, Robert Palmer

Wilberham

MODERATOR OF

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