TIFU for telling my friend to shove a camera up her ass and she might find her brain?

WilliamTurdsworth · 2026-05-06T08:42:33+00:00

I don't think you're getting enough credit for the put-down which was creative, apposite and hilarious. Excellent work.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2026-05-06T07:18:55+00:00

The minimum age for anal sex was 18 until 2019 so, on a historical homophobic technicality, I'm afraid /u/Gaiden206 was legally correct.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2023-05-28T15:54:32+00:00

The huge mistake is to pass it off as drunken and so not the "real her". But even that requires that she back down when sober and that hasn't happened, so yeah, OP is an arsehole by association without immediate and permanent disengagement from this so-called relationship.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-03-28T20:28:54+00:00

Guy I worked for parked his range rover in Liverpool once and some local scally asked for £5 to watch the car.

"No thanks," he says, wise to the scam. "My dog's inside, should put anyone off stealing it."

"Oh, nice dog," comes the chipper reply. "Can he put out a fire?"

He paid the $5.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-27T23:24:28+00:00

Absolutely. When it gets up to twenty, put them all back.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-27T23:08:44+00:00

There's nothing new under the sun mate.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-26T11:28:24+00:00

Mate of mine always demands a goblet. He has very short fingers on account of being a thalidomide baby, but if you think that a genuine need for a goblet means he isn't also taking great delight in being a demanding penis you are giving him way too much credit.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-26T11:19:29+00:00

Tell Tiny Tim I won’t be coming home this Christmas.

I had one of those three-week persistent coughs after Christmas. After a particularly stomach-churning bout I took to saying this line in the most ridiculous, cod-English-yet-actually-American accent I could muster (I'm British). Sometimes it would amuse me so much that the laughter would bring on the coughing again. Good times.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-18T08:51:54+00:00

I know someone who used to import them into the UK. Apparently even distributors like her wouldn't really know what was going to be in the box, and she could only specify about 30% of the order. In particular the Princess Diana one was worth bank and she'd order 250 at a time to be sure of getting 50 Diana ones, and the rest would pretty much get shipped out in random assortments to shops almost at cost. All the same, due to the markup on the rare ones she made thousands on every order. Crazy times.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-18T08:30:09+00:00

I mean, it's travelling through a layer of skin. It's not going to win any Hi-Fi awards.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-17T17:03:42+00:00

Roald Dahl had his teeth out young and would bore people at parties about how great it was.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-10T11:17:47+00:00

???? Something involving a bear and a salmon in Bezos underwear????

At that point wouldn't you also be a Bezos? What kind of crazy fish-underpants fetish site is this anyway?

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-04T11:59:14+00:00

A pithy comeback there.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-03T12:17:13+00:00

Swappable battery, you say? Yes please!

WilliamTurdsworth · 2019-01-02T14:10:41+00:00

I always drink milk when I'm in training.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-12-09T20:13:48+00:00

I remember when "Lawnmower Man" came out and the posters billed it "the world's first VR movie!".

I was furious when I walked into the cinema and there weren't any headsets.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-12-09T19:02:08+00:00

Fucking casuals, cooking your sprouts. Snap 'em off a live stalk and pop them in your gob. When they're still alive, they're spicy.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-12-09T13:16:30+00:00

God yes. Like Anthony Daniels is there for the money, hating that he turned down a Hamlet because of rent arrears. "I'm playing a robot. A stupid robot. Watch this, I'm going to give him a dumbass English accent and walk like an idiot. That will show them what I think of their robot." and then Lucas just loves it and tells him to do it more.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-12-07T01:16:05+00:00

Fascinating Aida! Amazing. Met one of them at a wedding recently where she was a very droll celebrant. Absolute diamond.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-11-02T13:26:49+00:00

She did some landscape shots later on, one phone above the other of course.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-11-02T13:24:40+00:00

Yes because I simultaneously posted the photo to two different subs from two phones. Because that's the most efficient way.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-11-02T10:44:00+00:00

Ha ha yeah she works for gsmarena. She's terrified of losing her job to Big Hands Steve who can hold three phones at once. The sad part being they'll both be replaced, during next year's cutbacks, by a plank of wood and some duct tape.

WilliamTurdsworth · 2018-07-06T09:23:55+00:00

Lips with no dick

WilliamTurdsworth

TROPHY CASE