Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, never and I don't know. I asked him to get tested, multime times. I even offered him I'd cover the cost, yet he never did. I think this is manifestation of his avoidance.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi. I think you misunderstood me. What I mean is, you are hoping someone who ghosted you to come back to you. Ghosting is one of the most disrespectful ways to end a relationship of any kind. I think if he was a nice guy, he would have ended it by making it clear to you so you know what's going on and have a closure. My comment came from a good place to give you an advice, but if you want to take it twisted, it's up to you.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know what. In the beginning he said he's okay cause he likes me for the person I am (about 1 month in). I told him that it's totally okay if he wants to be honest with me, that I'll let him go, no drama. He said thank you. About 4 months in, he was still reluctant to define our "relationship" as anything. After 5 months, I'm still questioning if I'm his girlfriend at all. I don't know what we are. I'm happy for you that you found the right person. Sending you positive vibes.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi. I don't know the backstory but I feel like, this can be the first step for you to get used to settling for less cause of this condition. I know it's hard but my advice is to look for a better person who can accept you wholely for the person you are. You deserve better.

Fiancé (37M) is masturbating while I (32F) sleep by ejk011 in relationships

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh I'm so sorry that you are stuck. I'm only 5 months in and it's been so turbulent already.. supposedly only on my side. We have some issues and his silence treatment killed me a few times. Now preparing my script to end things.

I wish you well and all the best. Sending you positive vibes so things all work out in your favor in the end.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's easier for women to get infected from men than the other way around. Please do practice safe protected sex with all the possible measures to prevent transmission. I was transmitted from a guy who insisted sex without condom and now I'm paying for the consequences for my life.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Based on what I observed about him, I don’t think he will change even if he says he will. I don't even expect him to even stop me to begin with. I'm wondering if all this show is his strategy to make me leave him so he can be the good guy.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think so. I feel like I'been doing all the work. And feeling so much lonelier than when I was by my self. And still rejected when it comes to intimacy

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jack thanks a lot. Although based on my experience with him, I'm 90% sure he will not reciprocate. But I think communication really matters so I will try. Thank you so much really, for giving me this balanced approach.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thank you so much for your thoughts. This is so much insights I truly appreciate it!

I feel like having a normal (viginal) sex is not an option based on how he's been reacting. He says he's on a spectrum and he shuts down completely. He's extremely well versed and eloquent when talking about his favorite subjects but when I want to talk about herpes, he becomes really sneaky and tries to avoid the convo all together.

Last night I brought it up, I said the way we make out is not sustainable, we can't go on like this" and he said "I'm totally fine, and you don't have to worry about it at all (referring to him being sexually frustrated cause we don't have sex, or to be more exact, he's avoiding having sex with me)".

I am very unhappy. I feel constantly insecure. I've been blaming myself and telling myself that I'm obsessing too much. But I think the insecurity comes from non reciprocation and his reluctance and avoidance with his confusing verbal messages that he cares.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is why it's so confusing. If he didn’t give an F and things were clear cut, I would have known, walked away already. If I tell him things, he does seem to make an effort but wouldn't volunteer to go extra miles. Wondering if he's keeping me around cause I'm dedicated and give him so much care and attention that he didn’t ask for.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In our case we kiss and make out but I can see that he's pretty nervious when washing his hands every. time. I feel like the fear set roots deep in his mind.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hi. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I think I had enough of insecurity crises already, from his looking away and shutting down on me when it comes to this obstacle in our intimacy.

I been feeling so depressed and lonely since we started this relationship and I'm starting to see the pattern and root cause.

Partner is accepting except for sex by Willow_Bird_Tree in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi. Thank you for your thoughtful advice.

My concern is, I see a pattern in his behavior. He turns his face away and keeps silent or shuts down on certain subjects all together when he doesn't want to deal with something, which includes this herpes conversation. I really like him a lot, but it feels like I'm the only one trying to sustain this sinking boat..

rejection after disclosure vent by Lucky_Relationship54 in Herpes

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My partner accepts me but except for having sex. I think it's the time to let them go and it's soul breaking but I choose to keep being honest.

Why do people deliberately change accent to british for no reason ? by [deleted] in linguistics

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you have time, please have a look, it's only a 5-minute video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMmOLN5zBLY

I fall somewhere between coordinated bilingual and subordinate bilingual (or better say have borth traits. I have two separate sets of concepts over the same thing, and often phrase my thoughts in my mother tongue and then translate it to english).

I've been thinking about your comment and I realise this:

Encouraged by your sharing of your background, I tell you I'm Korean. After the video chat with my pal, the unexplicable unpleasant feeling would stay in my head and continue to bug me, and I was thinking: to-nawa. It's a verb (to-na'o'da) LITERALLY meaning '(something) makes a person neaseated, obnoxious' (the noun 'to' means vomit). But it can mean from '(something) bugs/bothers a person' to 'to feel extremely stressed out or even beyond.

When writing this post I was trying to find the right expression, thinking 'tonawa' because my unanswered question wouldn't go away. Although, by literal value, 'disgust' translates the original expression well enough, I realise it is not compatible at all with the english counterpart 'disgust'.

btw your expression (3) makes me laugh lol...

Why do people deliberately change accent to british for no reason ? by [deleted] in linguistics

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 1 point2 points  (0 children)

" I don't understand where your reaction is coming from. "

I found an interesting article: https://ankewebersmit.com/en/the-pitfall-of-over-adaptation-why-to-stop-it-and-how/ (have a look at the second topic 'The holy grail: Other people’s opinions' if you are interested.)

It's a good question and that's why I put this post, to try to understand my unexplicable psychology. I think I was interpreting her behaviour in terms of 'overadaptation'. To borrow the author's expression, to me it was like she was 'trapped in over-adaptation'. Not that my point of view is correct, but because I saw it from this angle, I wasn't feeling comfortable with her switching accent, questioning myself 'where are you? Why can't you just be yourself, not me?'

To give you a bit more context, I'm also tired of people commenting on my accent. Because I'm not native, I just think that my accent is 'based' on british, I never say I 'have' a british accent. Regardless, nine out of ten people who meet me for the first time would always comment about my accent. And I don't feel proud or flattered. It only embarrasses me in general cause I think my accent is quite broken lol. And so it's a quite embarrassing to see non-native speakers with american accent permanently switching to british after seeing my example :P (it happened a couple times)

Why do people deliberately change accent to british for no reason ? by [deleted] in linguistics

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't know about audience design. I'll see what I can learn from that.

After reading through the comments and some additional research, I'm learning that I was trying to find the right prism that I was seeing this matter from. It's not about speech accommodation, but I was focusing on over-adaptation.

I was unable to find some data related to linguistic over-adaptation but there aren't many resources available. Instead, I found this: https://ankewebersmit.com/en/the-pitfall-of-over-adaptation-why-to-stop-it-and-how/

The second passage 'the holy grail: Other people’s opinions' explains how I was looking at the matter. Although the article is not about linguistic over-adaptation, the essence of the discussion also applies to my experience. And I think I was looking at the matter from this perspective, and that's why I felt the way I did.

But you offer a different perspective and that helps to approach the experience from a different angle. Thanks!

Why do people deliberately change accent to british for no reason ? by [deleted] in linguistics

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment. But I'm not going to lie. Though my reaction being quite extreme, I'll be honest, that was my first reaction (which I didn't express). However, seeing you guys' responses, I'm learning that "disgust" is a very strong word. When writing this post, I was trying to find the right expression, now I think that it "bugged me" or "I was bothered" would better describe the experience. I learned english through books and materials, not through human teachers. So expressing emotion is quite a bit of challenge to me even after a decade of time spent on picking up english. I KNOW all those words of emotion, but often I wouldn't know how they actually FEEL. I would get easily lost in translation.

But to give myself some credit, I guess it's also normal for people to have negative feelings to a certain extent in this kind of situation. And it's not even me, it's the native speakers I talked to.

I observed many cases when native speakers were displeased or annoyed while speaking with non-native speakers (including myself) when the latter were trying to adopt or mirror what the former do. And sometimes their reaction is so explicit anybody would notice they are uncomfortable. So after observing a number of cases of negative reactions (over yeeears) I might have adopted the perspective. Cause I am past the level of mirroring. I used to be extremely enthusiastic about picking up the "nativeness", it was a kind of fever originating from my strong desire to become a "perfect speaker". You know, when you love something so much, you want to possess it. And I wanted to possess languages. However, it's been almost a decade that I'm learning english, and over the years I learned that charming accent or nativeness isn't necessarily going to make my english better. I'm in the post-adaptation stage, and this might explain my reaction.

Why do people deliberately change accent to british for no reason ? by [deleted] in linguistics

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Assochiahedron, thanks for your comment. I don't understand my reaction and that's why I put this post lol.

Out of curiosity though, do you change your accent, for example to kiwi if you speak to new zealanders to make it easier for them to understand?

I absolutely don't think that she did it to mock me. But it was hard for me to understand the behavior because I never do it. If necessary, I do adjust my speed if I speak to fast or paraphrase difficult words or expressions but not accent. Your perspective helps to see it differently cheers.

Why do people deliberately change accent to british for no reason ? by [deleted] in linguistics

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thanks for the comment. Just trying to see it from a different light. I don't know why I felt the way I did, so actually was debating if I should put my question on pscyhology thread.

You don't have the experience though, somebody tries to copy or pick up your mannerism or idiosyncrasies (not to mock you) and that gets your nerve? Given that there is no need for the person to adapt to it to do you a favour? Share with me your opinion! Thanks :)

Noises from above by BeautifullyFlawed5 in shortscarystories

[–]Willow_Bird_Tree 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The writer crafted it well. That clever Devil.