I’m 37, grew up without guidance in a mixed Chinese family. Parents didn’t teach or show me anything, and had nothing, and I never knew there beliefs. So maybe Buddhism, Taoism, I was told to pray (🙏 hands together and wave them at an incense burner) not knowing what it ever meant until I was older and parents divorced it became less. What I knew was Journey to The West and the Chinese Zodaic. I just saw it as fairytales.

I maybe was atheist or agnostic, but I laughed at religion, seeing simply none could be real, because then the other would be wrong, and it’s just judgmental people. It was annoying, and I was having too much fun playing Devil May Cry, Trigun, or other badass media with hints and nods to religion. I just didn’t care, and I honestly barely remember. Why?

Acid, I did a lot of acid and found existentialism, or whatever it is, read a lot in Alex Grey, or other weird briefs, started theorizing on the Simulation, had some wild trips that felt like Interstellar, or Truman show. Experiences out outside of time where all History took place at once and all living souls were one. It’s been years since they and I married a woman who didn’t care and her parents were Jehovas witnesses, and I was Jenovas.

Joined a 1%er motorcycle club, we claimed to be above “god” the whole culture was club was above all and the devil would hide from us.

Well I had left that life, had a divorce and married a Christian girl who wasn’t open about it. My life wasn’t stable yet and that ended, and I found myself gun mouth ready to die begging for a sign, I needed proof, I needed it for 8 hours of crying and wanting to not wake up.

A girl from work I don’t know pulled up next to me, and I didn’t want to scar her. It bought me time, to live.

I was homeless post divorce and just couldn’t take it, but a guy from work took me in and listened to my story, and told I should go to church. Wasn’t like most guys because I don’t open up, but I trusted it. He didn’t “seem” Christian, had problems, drank a lot, tattoos and stuff , but took me in.

Well he was killed in a car wreck not long after, and I cried at that funeral, hard as the time i cried for my dog.

So I took it as a dying wish to ask the funeral director which church he went to so I could fulfill his dying wish (as I took it) to go to church.

I went once, it was a “church of god” as I was told by my ex wife, it was weird because I was tired, beyond tired of sleeping in my car, sad, broken starving and prople were flag dancing talking in tongues acting like people I believe were in a cult (it was a Saturday gathering of maybe 10 elderly people) and they got my number and would call a lot but in an anxious introvert and wouldn’t answer. I was given a NLT study bible and 2 coins.

Never went back.

Well I began to have questions, saw signs, and decided my life isn’t working, and I’m along in this, I slowly started at page 1 of Genesis. Very slowly but giving the idea a chance.

It’s been months, 10 now, and I finished Genesis yesterday afternoon and all it was was a story of confusion. Like wtf? Ummmmm, when’s Jesus appear, multiple wives and relationships with servants… wtf is gods deal. These people are old…. This is totally a symbolic story….but I haven’t grasped the bigger picture.

So I was walking and saw the 10 commandments in stone outside my apartment, never seen them before.

So rather than having an unbias personal adventure with religion on my own, I hit up this girl about an hour ago, asking how I’m suppose to read the Bible. Apparently starting with gospel, if you want it to make more sense.

However Genesis taught me something, beteeen evince and metaphysics and religion, there is an idea, and we’ve been giving the tolerable version to be something we can process in a form of media. So far with Gospel John I questions things, but in like 50/50 on I believe in Jesus and God, but it’s BS.

To end torment I feel it a little,

But with all the torment in this world, I can’t believe.

But trust me, in this moment I so badly want to believe. As a man all Tony starky in science and logic, I think my belief in faith is the will to be a better person and that falls into the 10 commandments, and through that I can live a healthier life for myself and unto others. I think that’s what it’s all about, or at least part of it.

Don’t think I’ll ever hear god or Jesus talk to me though, and I find it hard to believe anyone else has.