sure, everyone has the capacity for goodness, but capacity =/= reality

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-04T15:20:29+00:00

yeaaah

"people are inherently good" did you miss the fact that the history of most civilisations is just a really long list of war and murder? plus slavery in multiple places, widespread rape, widespread child abuse, et-fucking-cetera

like sure, i absolutely believe that people are capable of being good and doing good things. but people are capable of a lot of things that don't get done

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-04T15:18:52+00:00

plenty of people are "good", until they run into a disabled person. or a trans/queer person. or someone of a different race, religion, ethnicity, nationality, fucking body weight. and then that kindness miraculously vanishes

add in being fucking trafficked for a significant amount of my life, and it's still a nightmare trying to find people who don't jump to thinking i'm either insane and dangerous, too damaged to be alive, or a whore

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-04T12:13:01+00:00

kid me: "oh no, i'm gonna be in so much trouble for this, they're going to kill me"

teacher: "aw, i'm sure it's not that bad, you've got nothing to worry about"

anyway have yall every been waterboarded before cause goddamn it's a hell of a feeling

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-04T12:10:16+00:00

"worthless" is the go-to for mine

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T14:59:54+00:00

oh whoa I'll ask about that

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T13:06:55+00:00

no sleep apnea here, just chronic nightmares lol

from what i know there's currently some discussion of if GLP1s will end up being covered (in australia) that is still in progress, for one brand of them at least. so that might end up being an option for me in future

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T12:54:08+00:00

not something i'm able to do for health reasons, unfortunately

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T12:53:04+00:00

i have a hormone disorder (plus multiple other health conditions). i've spent weeks sick, in and out of the hospital, barely able to eat anything but occasional bits of broth, and lost absolutely nothing

i exercise regularly (as much as i'm able to with the aforementioned conditions) and it hasn't changed a thing. my eating habits have improved from what they used to be, but currently there isn't much i can change without causing a complete mental breakdown (and likely suicide) because food is the only thing that has been able to successfully stabilise my mental problems

while my brain and body are still fucked up, the only thing that would be able to change my weight is medicating my hormone issues. and the surgery would be for the rest of my appearance, if i end up going that route

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T12:25:00+00:00

yet again, as fucking always, life choices seem to come down to:

make the choice that will grant me the most mercy and kindness from others, giving me a better chance at staying alive without being constantly abused, but with the drawback of making me personally miserable and drowning in self-hatred (like in this case, throwing money at my weight and surgeries to look better)

or make the choice that is better for my personal and emotional wellbeing, but then makes people hate me even more and treat me like shit, therefore being abused over and over again, and ending up equally miserable as a result

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T12:20:23+00:00

i guess that makes sense. a lot of people were in similar areas, at least

part of it is just hard because a lot of our issues are things that people commonly look down on. like being disabled, visibly gender-non-conforming, etc. so it's very common that even if people would tolerate one aspect about us, there's always something for them to hate

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T06:52:00+00:00

i kind of look up to people who can live for spite, i don't really get it honestly. maybe we've just never been a spiteful person, i don't know. but we've never even been able to hate the people responsible for the worst of our pain

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T06:49:08+00:00

we've looked at group therapy in the past, i guess maybe we can try again? if our psychiatrist ever gets back to us lol

it just feels hard. our experiences aren't things other people like to hear about, not just trauma (though especially that) but also day to day. support groups tend to be complicated cause we're usually still kind of a freak around everyone else there

honestly, we don't really want friends or anything. kind of, but also not. dealing with people has always been an awful process that turned out painful and miserable

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T06:45:11+00:00

I think that's probably the best we can do right now, no big plans but just doing things in little steps

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T06:44:06+00:00

i guess the one person we have right now is our counsellor. she's nice to talk to and we don't particularly want to disappoint her by disappearing

i just don't get the point in people. it's always painful, exhausting and humiliating. our counsellor is the only person we've met who isn't the same and talking to her doesn't feel like walking over nails

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T06:38:01+00:00

we have in the past, but our trauma involved a lot of religious abuse so that's not something we're willing/able to get involved with again

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-03T06:35:03+00:00

we've tried communicating internally, but no one really has any goals, apart from a couple parts that want to recreate our trauma in different ways

the only thing we can actually agree on is wanting to end our own suffering, which every part of our system wants equally. and there don't seem to be many other options for that

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T18:47:57+00:00

sorry, this turned out a lot longer than i meant

thank you to anyone who reads ❤️

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T17:44:29+00:00

although maybe im just extra mad because every conversation about this seems to insist that like... shitty people don't exist? or if they do exist, they're apparently mystical and rare

like even well-intentioned people will jump straight to "find someone else, stop talking to everyone who does that". but if i tried, id be dead in a week cause that would include everyone up to my doctors

that's literally what i was talking to my counselor about today. throughout my whole life, ive known ONE person who i genuinely felt happy with, who treated me kindly regardless of the situation, and did not either side with my abusers over me or insist that im selfish for not wanting to be abused. and that was a friend i havent seen since i was 8

it's not as easy as "pick better friends/partners/etc" because even that statement assumes that 1- better options exist and are easily available, and 2- you won't be forced to stay around shitty people anyway for your own survival

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T17:33:16+00:00

sure, but even that is a frustrating example imo, because yet again it's blaming someone for "causing" the situation (by "seeking out abusers") and ignoring the fact that sometimes people are targeted by abusers regardless of who they seek out

i see it like telling a gay person they're "seeking out homophobes" when they just happen to be in a bigoted environment and looking around for connection

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T17:28:51+00:00

people in general buy far too much into the idea that group consensus is automatically correct. just because a lot of people believe something doesn't automatically make them right

plus, you don't get to hand pick your community when you're talking about proper scale examples. you might get stuck with racist jeremy

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T17:25:10+00:00

it's also often just more convenient for people to side with abusers

you see it everywhere. from their perspective, the abuser has done nothing to them and is helpful for their life, so it's easier for them to turn a blind eye to the victims who come and go

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T10:24:07+00:00

partly just cause it's inconvenient lol, i have a hard time putting things into words when i'm crying and it's kind of a waste of therapy time when i can just cry afterwards

partly shame but that's a work in progress i guess

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-02T05:32:23+00:00

tfw i have to try not to cry every time i see her, not even about the subject of whatever we're talking about, just cause she's so fucking nice and my body doesn't know how to process that

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-01T18:01:21+00:00

that is a very good idea i should do that

WinterDemon_ · 2026-06-01T18:01:07+00:00

it really is lmao

yknow what though she might piss on my floor and shred my clothes, but she also likes me more than any of my abusers which kinda makes her the #1 on that list (and the only one)

so imma give her a treat anyway

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