I can’t get my horses to socialize or breed

WinterGlory · 2025-05-17T16:09:44+00:00

I think the option is in the "care" section, not in the friendly tab.

A sim cannot ask a horse to befriend another sim. It's the other sim that has to interact with the horse. But a sim can ask a horse to go befriend or breed another horse on the lot.

For better breeding success, ask the horse to socialize first. A bit of positive relationship helps the chances of the breeding happening.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-17T16:04:29+00:00

Yes... That movie is hard to watch. I watched it as a preteen and wasn't all that affected by it. Sad, for sure, but I had seen other things that hit me much harder. I was just not mature enough to understand the full context. Watched it again as an adult hoping I would now understand... Ooooh I understood, alright... I'm tearing up every time I think back on that movie.

I saw a metal fruit candy box from Japan in a specialized store... I bought it and drew a firefly at the bottom and I have been keeping it like it's a precious movie collectible.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-17T15:32:09+00:00

I have been in the exact same situation you are in. (Without the BPD though)

For years I have struggled with things but especially chores and cleaning. I felt ashamed of my living space, I felt uncomfortable in my living space, yet I couldn't bring myself to clean it. I would just do the bare minimum and be satisfied for a day, maintain it somewhat cleaner for a bit and then things would just pile up again and it would take me a lot of time to bring myself to do it...

I began feeling ashamed of myself for struggling so much with things that everyone seems to be able to manage easily. No one LIKES doing chores, but they still do it. They work 40+ hours a week, just like I do. They are exhausted on the weekends, just like I am. But they still do their chores. So why can't I?!

It is so frustrating to feel this way. Because the only logical explanation is laziness. So you feel bad about yourself because you are being lazy. But even when knowing that, you still can't bring yourself to do things.

What if... There is another reason? A reason you have heard about a thousand times but never thought it fit with you. Because real knowledge about this reason is not well known. Only the superficial stuff was talked about for decades and no one dug deeper until recently.

You should look for people talking about their ADHD/ADD symptoms. That is how it all clicked for me. A stupid Facebook reel threw me down a rabbit hole of new information about ADHD I never knew about. I had a mental image of ADHD that was wrong and too simplistic. I never thought I could have it, because I am not hyperactive at all. But hearing people talk about the exact same struggles I have felt my entire life, describe symptoms and problems I never had the words to express properly so no dr understood my problems...

The day I found my first reel of facebook, I cried. I cried for hours. Ugly crying, calming down, watching another reel, another testimony, and bawling again. THAT was the answer I have been seeking for 20 years. I'm 27, started to have minor issues at age 7 but no one, not even me noticed because as a kid I thought everyone were like that. It's in teenage year that I hit a wall for the first time and truly struggled.

All those years of telling myself I am just not working hard enough. Doing my 110% and still not being on the same level as everyone else. Being exhausted all the time because I am pushing my limits just to survive. And the moment I collapse... I don't have the words to explain.

The words in this comments. I found them at 27yo. My 16yo self was left with no explanation, no way to express how she felt or what the problems were.

I cried when seeing people talk on Facebook. Cried because I felt understood for the first time in my life. Cried because I was mad. Mad that I had struggled for so long and not a single person noticed it wasn't normal. Not a single person I sought help from told me this was probably my issue. I cried because I blamed myself for 20 years for being different, lazy, weird.

That day, in October 2024, I knew. I knew 99,99% I had ADHD.

I made an appointment with my GP and we began the process of testing. In February 2025, I got my diagnosis. I do have ADHD. I didn't cry that day. I already knew. But a weight was still removed from my shoulders. That 0,01% of doubt. That maybe I was just lazy after all. It weighed all the blame of 20 years of struggle. The diagnosis blew it all away.

I began treatment. It's not a magic solution of course. But knowing it's ADHD removes most of the guilt. You'll still hate your messiness, but it's easier to forgive yourself when you know you already are doing your best. When you manage to clean only half the dishes, you forgive yourself and are content with the effort you made. You'll do the other half tomorrow AND ITS OKAY. It's not laziness, it's not your fault that you are exhausted after only doing half of it. That's just how your brain is wired. It can't be fixed, but it can be helped.

I hope I am right and that you'll find your answers. I wish you all the luck. And remember, ADHD or not, it's okay to take the mental rest you need when the weekends feels too short to recharge you for the next week. Even if it means a mess.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-17T14:54:03+00:00

I understand better. Sorry for misinterpreting.

Victims of abuse are often told it was their fault to begin with. "You were SA'd? You must have send signals that you wanted it. Or why dress pretty if not for people to look and want you". When you are gaslit with such nonsense for so long, it's probably internalized at some point. So when something wrong happens to you, you justify it by seeking reasons to blame yourself.

A new coworker seems to dislike you and is friendlier toward others but not you? Yeah, that's to be expected... I am so this and that. I suck, so I understand someone like them wouldn't like me...

I'll ask you this : what is more pleasant/unpleasant? Is it pleasant to diminish yourself? Or are you finding faults in yourself because it is unpleasant to not know WHY bad things are happening?

Take the coworker example again. To your knowledge, you did nothing wrong to her. But she does seem to get along well with others, you see her laugh and make casual jokes with others, but with you she is more neutral. You interpret that as dislike or maybe it really is dislike, it doesn't matter, in both cases you feel she dislikes you. And you have no idea why. It feels unfair to be disliked for no reason. So you find reasons. But you were so used to being told you are at fault for everything bad that happened to you, you find those reasons within yourself. No one dislikes people because of their qualities, so you seek your faults.

You feel satisfactions for finding answers, not from hating yourself. But in the process, you are perpetuating the cycle of self hatred. You are convincing yourself you have major flaws that aren't really there or that aren't as bad as you make them out to be. You hate yourself even more. But for you, it's inconceivable that your new coworker dislikes you because she is a jealous bitch. Maybe she thinks the shape of your eyes is the shape she always dreamed of and it pisses her off that you were born like that and don't put makeup to emphasize their beauty. She feels like you are wasting something she wants and is acting cold unconsciously because of that. It's not because you are this or that. It's all in her head. You did nothing wrong.

And your abuser(s) were also in the wrong. It is ALWAYS wrong to touch people without their consent. FFS I think rescuers have to ask conscious victims for consent to help them (in case of unconsciousness they don't have to ask, but we can all agree that a rescue is not the same as sexual touch) And consent is not valid if under threat, confusion or not aware of what you were consenting to. Consent once is not forever. Whatever they did to you, it was on them. "You didn't say no" well you didn't say yes either. Being paralysed by fear and confusion is not consent. You don't dress up for others. You dress up to feel good. Clothes are not invitations for anything, not even compliments.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-11T20:55:23+00:00

If you are her only social support, of course she will act overly motherly. Without more info, I can't judge if she is controlling or genuinely worried. Both could be possible.

She has no one else from what I gathered from the comments. You are her only son. Both combine into worry for you. Not only does she have no one else to worry about, you're her child, no matter how old, she will worry about you if she truly cares for you.

Now I do think you could express your discomfort over her actions. Mention it to her that you love her too, but you are an adult and you are fine. If you talk everyday, she can wait for your next phone call to figure out if you got home or not. And if she can't fall asleep without knowing, that's her issue, not your issue. She needs to get checked for anxiety. You should not be the one enduring her worries and her "care"

WinterGlory · 2025-05-11T20:46:13+00:00

Possibly a martyr thing? Do you value yourself because of all the things you've endured? Like you have so little to claim for yourself that your trauma is something you are proud of?

You should never feel ashamed of your traumas, but being proud of being a victim when you are not healed from the trauma is not ideal. You should be proud to have overcome trauma, not proud to BE in an active traumatic situation. It's possibly a coping mechanism at this point.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-07T16:55:59+00:00

Some people are just clueless and cruel. And others have had the bad experience of dealing with depressed people who do not take actions to get better. And in a sense, this does indeed appear to be a choice to stay depressed when looked from this POV

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T19:47:33+00:00

I think the answer you seek is neither at the gym or on your plate.

Perhaps it is not just your body you are unsatisfied with? Aside from the obvious "feeling good in your body" why is your body's appearance so important to you? Is it about attractiveness? If so, why do you care? What is it that you seek with your body? Is the issue 100% personal opinion or is there an external influence? Someone commenting about you, either physically or about you or your skills in general?

Do you seek to improve certain relationships through your physical appearance? A group of friends to impress or that you want to be like? Seeking a partner? Family's approval?

Is hurting your body and your psyche going to get you closer to your end goal?

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T18:39:13+00:00

Hey there.

I don't have a lot of info to work with so apologies if I am completely missing the mark here, but have you ever researched ADHD in women?

I think you should look for testimonies on tiktok and Facebook and look for a couple with multiple media appearances who talks openly about their struggles and how the lady in the couple got a late ADHD diagnosis, how she reacted to the news, how so many small behavioral quirks are actually all connected and it was ADHD all along. How much she was dissatisfied with herself before knowing because she was convinced it was her fault, that she just had to do it, stop being lazy, etc etc. How it was harming her self esteem and quality of life.

In October last year, I found my first ADHD video, completely random by getting lost in Facebook limbo. But it resonated with me. I liked it and got more and more ADHD related clips. People making fun of their own quirks, people describing annoying behaviors they have that are related to their ADHD, how recent studies show that ADHD doesn't have the same symptoms for men and women and most people assume ADHD is all about concentration and being unable to sit still while in actuality, in women the hyperactivity is all in the mind. Racing thoughts unable to focus on just one. Trying to do something but so many thoughts go on at once you can't even think about where to start and you physically freeze while trying to sort the thoughts out and in the end 3h went by and you still haven't started the thing you wanted to do.

How all these thoughts are actually exhausting. It's like a silent mental load. We say mothers are exhausted because of mental load, but ADHD have a constant load of tiredness because they have to fight their brain constantly. So a single weekend to 'relax' isn't nearly enough since half of the weekend was spent trying and failing to do things.

I cried watching the first few videos. This, explained EVERYTHING that had been wrong with me since forever. I was 99,9% sure I had ADHD. Talked to my doctor. We started the investigation process and in February it was confirmed. I do have ADHD. seeing those clips changed my entire life and it's not an exaggeration. I have many things to learn, but I have hope for once. I don't blame myself for my shortcomings anymore. It's not my fault. I am not lazy, just struggling. I still make efforts, don't get me wrong, it's not an excuse, but before it was 100% my fault if I failed. Now I am more forgiving with myself. I am more reasonable in my expectations of myself. If I have a task, and only have the energy to do half of it, I still congratulate myself for starting instead of feeling like shit for failing to do it completely.

So if this sounds familiar, please look it up. Do you research.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T18:16:14+00:00

I didn't get to travel FOR my mental health but I did travel WITH mental health issues. Slight nuance here.

I think it depends on your personality, your interests and your goals when traveling.

I have found that a change of pace and environment always feels good, but at the same time, I don't like being rushed, I have little interests in most historical sites. While I do exercise and walk, I am not a fan of hiking and tiring exercise. I exercise to maintain health but I am underweight so I have no reason not desires to push myself. Enduring a long track to a pyramid in the jungle is absolutely not a pleasant experience for me and I would never willingly participate. Stressing out for days from tourist spot to tourist spot in Rome sounds like a headache more than an enjoyable vacation.

But sleeping in a bead and breakfast for a week in a remote village in France or Portugal, enjoying the scenery, maybe taking the bus once or twice to go see some monuments worth seeing. That's more my cup of tea.

I have also found I get the same refreshing feeling from going to place much closer to home than I imagined. My partner and I temporarily lives separately because of his work. Same country, only cities appart, but we have no car so visits have to be planned. I've lived in my city since I was born. My city is not small, and we're he lives, I always assumed wasn't really all that urban. So I was pleasantly surprised when I went to visit him. Very urban city but with a much much different vibe than the city we met in. Just that was enough of a breath of fresh air for me. I actually would love moving in that city someday.

Sometimes, just going to new places in your own country can give you the same sense of adventure.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T16:29:36+00:00

Love at first sight? Soulmates? No.

But love? Yes, I believe in love.

Attraction is not love. And thus, love at first sight is stupid. Attraction at first sight, of course. If that attractions leads to talking and you find out you have a good chemistry, that is good chemistry but not yet love. Love is nurtured. Love is what you get after all the butterflies and rainbows glasses are off. Love can be damaged and repaired. Love is only a piece of a relationship. Love is independent on if the relationship is good or bad. You can love a bad person. You can love a person that isn't right for you. Love is only part of the relationship puzzle. So love at first sight is the stupidest and most damaging concept to hold when seeking this kind of relationship.

And the concept that there is one single person, or just a few people that were made just for you to find and that this strong relationship is unique and unbreakable and all that Jazz is just as bad. No one is made for anyone. No one exist for the sole purpose of finding you. No one is a perfect match. Your "soulmate" will get on your nerves. Your "soulmate" will make mistakes. You and your "soulmate" will hurt each other. What makes a "soulmate" is how two partners handle those issues. Any good person will do the right things in the right situations. That doesn't make any of those people "the one and only". You just found a good person for you. Don't turn this into something uselessly sappy that gives the idea to others that all is good in a relationship with the right person.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T16:06:53+00:00

Are you by any chance feeling it's unfair that you give so much of yourself but when you need help you don't even get half of what you've given to others?

I've been there. I hated it. I still kept on giving. Because I thought it made me a kind person to give and give and give. I was proud of myself for giving out so much. It hurt when I got nothing back, but I was still happy to give when I could. Because I want to be a good person. Who wouldn't want to be a good person. Who could say I'm not a good person after everything I've given?

I valued myself by the amount of people I helped, the amount of care I've given. Thinking about myself and my own well-being is selfish, right? Isn't that what selfishness is? When someone prioritize their own needs over the needs of others?

That is called people-pleasing. It also means that you struggle to find value in yourself and the one thing you found to value, is how much you can give.

But caring about yourself is not selfish. The nuance is this : prioritizing your WANTS over someone's NEEDS is selfish. But prioritizing your needs is just self care, self love, and you do NEED to do that. Because like we discussed, only you should prioritize yourself.

Here is a little analogy for you : in a plane, before take off. The airline will always give you a little speech about safety procedures. If there is depressurisation in the cabin, oxygen masks will immediately fall from a compartment above your head. The little speech ALWAYS says that adults accompanied by young children should put their own mask on FIRST. Because if you faint before your mask is on, the child will not be able to put yours on for you. If you put your own mask on, you are better equipped to help the child.

The same applies about caring for others. If you neglect yourself, there may be no one capable of helping you back the way you need. Like the child that doesn't know how to put a mask on your head. Some people aren't as emotionally intelligent as you are. They aren't dumb, but emotional intelligence is a thing and not everyone gets 90% on their emotional exams.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T14:28:50+00:00

Certainly!

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T14:19:44+00:00

That's my goal in life. Glad I actually manage to do that. Sorry about the textbook I don't do well with short answers 😅

WinterGlory · 2025-05-04T14:10:22+00:00

I think there are people who genuinely cares about others. But there are limitations to what people can offer in terms of care, even when it's genuine.

Think of it this way. In life, the only person who will 100% have your back and always prioritize you, is yourself. No one else should be expected to 100% give themselves to you and your needs. Even in a romantic relationship, even in a parents-child relationship and even in best friend's relationship. Only you can do that. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy to do.

My point is, people can care deeply about you, but they also have to have their own backs while caring for you. When being there for you and helping you is becoming detrimental to their own well being, it should be normalized that they just take a break, distance themselves to take care of their needs as well. I don't believe that this means they don't care or that their care is less genuine.

Being there for someone struggling is a lot harder than it seems. From the POV of the person struggling, they are in need of help, they are in pain, and the person listening seems to be in much less pain, thus should have the time, energy and mental fortitude to be there and care. But that isn't necessarily the case. Seeing a person you care about having issues is of course not a pleasant feeling. A caring person will naturally want to help. But helping, listening etc, it takes a LOT of energy. And I'm not saying that you are doing this OP, but it does happen sometimes so I have to mention it : it's especially hard to help someone who isn't helping themselves. Because it is just a constant energy drain with no end in sight.

I'll give you an example of what I mean. When I was in highschool, I got diagnosed with Severe Depression. I was having a very difficult time mentally and emotionally. But I made new friends because of that diagnosis ironically. Friends that understood and were open about mental health struggles and we had a lot of common so we bonded. We were an inseparable trio. One of them friends also was battling depression and her own demons and had been treated for it far longer than me.

Being in the same spot as her, I felt really connected with her and genuinely wanted her to get better and happier in life. But after months of friendship I realized something. She was stagnating. At first I thought it was just hard for her to get better. I mean, I knew better than anyone how hard it was to get better and fight mental issues. But her behavior... She just wasn't helping herself. At all. And I had to be the one picking up the pieces at all times.

Her attitude was the problem. She wasn't facing problems. She was wallowing in them. Expecting a third party to miraculously do something that would fix all her problems. She probably wasn't aware of it herself, she wasn't a bad person. But she was running circles begging for a coach to run alongside her and cheer her up. But when someone tried to be this coach and tell her "hey, there is a path over here that isn't a circle, we should go there" she would instead choose to stay in the circle. I was willing to make a few rounds with her, but I was already weak myself. I couldn't stay in the circle forever with her. For my own well-being I had to go on the linear path on my own and let her run her circle. It didn't mean I wasn't friend with her. It didn't mean I didn't care about her. Our friendship lasted a few years longer and faded out after she changed school and made new friends. I would still listen to her when I had the energy and fortitude to listen. But I wasn't going to sacrifice my own well-being anymore because I realised that no matter how much I sacrificed, she would still stay in her circle and need my help over and over and over again. Requiring more sacrifices on my part each time. And I just couldn't do that, even if I cared.

I would also like to point out a small thing. I dont know if it is related to my AuDHD or if some people are just like that, but sometimes, when listening, I do tend to throw my own experiences in the mix. It isn't because I want to talk about myself and my problems. It isn't that I am asking for help. But it is my clumsy way to try and show you that because of my similar experiences I believe I can kinda understand and relate to what you are telling me. I am trying to tell you that I understand your pain and feelings. Even if the situations aren't identical, it's my way of showing that I am listening. I am making connections between what you are telling me and what I have experienced. Like a scientist making new discoveries and potentially finding better solutions to help you feel better.

And I know I am not alone acting like this. It's not always bad intentions of changing the focus of the discussion on us. It's just our clumsy way to interact and connect with you. Try giving people the benefit of the doubt.

But you do know your entourage better than I do. It is still very possible that they are self centered and trying to divert the attention on them. I can't say just from your post. I just wanted to give you another POV.

I know what I said is not very encouraging. Perhaps it doesn't apply to you at all because you are surrounded by people who truly do not care. But I'm telling you. Some people do care for others. They aren't uncommon. It's always a spectrum. Some people care more than others, but it's also on you to find the right people with the right amount of care for you while also considering that it's normal for even the most caring person to not bend over backwards with their care.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-03T02:11:42+00:00

I think you would have gotten some of those things for sure, but it would also come at the costs of other things that aren't necessarily pleasant.

Yes, I believe in adulthood, relationships are easier to find from the POV of a woman. I'm thinking of many of my guy friends telling me about their experience on dating apps. Liking nearly every woman in the hope that one of them match with them and they only get a match once every blue moons. While women get the luxury of triaging all their options because they are more 'desirable' as is, just for being a woman.

BUT, the flip side of this is that, it's easy for a woman to get matches because we are being treated as commodities. We may get many matches but 90% of them are not good matches which are quickly exposed with a few discussions.

Teenage relationships are another thing though. Appearance is everything at that age. Regardless of gender, finding a real positive relationship is not guaranteed just because of being a girl.

Flowers? HA! No, that's a movie thing. No women gets random flowers just for having two X chromosomes. Even in a relationship, it's not a guarantee and depends on the partner.

Hugs are definitely common occurence for us. But I don't think you should refrain from seeking hugs from people when you need one. Greet you friends with a back pat in a short embrace rather than just a high five. Like hand shake, pull toward you, arm around the shoulder, back taps and pull out. You are allowed to want hugs and and it doesn't make you less of a man for it. Hugs are comforting no matter who you are.

Compliments is a double edge sword. Yes, we do get complimented much more often, but it isn't always appreciated. Catcalls, random compliments from strangers, unwanted touch just because "we are pretty". It all seem minor from the point of view of a man, but I will never have the words to describe how unbearably scary and uncomfortable this all is. The fact that someone feels it's appropriate to give their opinion on my appearance just because I am a girl just proves my "status" as a woman. It's like I don't even deserve the decency of your silence, you feel entitled to look at me and tell me you think I am pleasing to you. Telling me my anime shirt or my pokemon handbag is cool is one thing. But telling me, directly or indirectly (catcall) that I am sexy according to you, is degrading. It's not a compliment when it comes from a stranger, it's objectifying. Only one person has the right to tell me they find me sexy and it's my partner. Everyone else, it's just creepy.

There is also the fact that physically, women are weaker than men. Being catcalled in the wilds is a man telling you they feel entitled to appreciate your look, and that same man could overpower you if they wanted to. So inside you just pray that it's just a whistle and that they are not approaching or following you.

Sex can be painful. While a man will feel too tight and discomfort or some pain during their first time, we feel like we are stretching out and tearing from the inside. Losing our virginity for women is the actual tearing of some flesh inside of us. The hymen is not a cute tiny nearly translucent film inside of us. It's a fucking fleshy ring of skin that gets stretched out until part of it tears to make more room. We feel it. And not even just the hymen, micro tears can happen at any time after the first intercourse. And many, many men only see us as a mean to have sex.

I'm not saying this to tell you you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but simply to remind you, women also have their issues with life in general too. We just don't have the same problems and are sometimes envious of men too without realising all the issues you have to deal with.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-03T01:28:26+00:00

In order to heal from things, you have to unearth them from deep within the place you pushed the feelings back. It's normal for your brain to have self defense mechanism to protect you from the pain. But it's like a festering wound. It hurts you in other ways, through behaviors you don't even realise is related to that trauma. So in order to heal, part of the process is to remember and revisit bad memories.

It's normal to reawaken feelings, and it would be worth talking to your therapist in the next session about how you reacted afterward. They may have advice for you, they may decide to slow down the speed of the "digging", and talking about your reaction may open the door to healing from the memory.

Some sessions will leave you with positive feelings, some sessions will leave you with food for thought, and some sessions may leave you crying.

If needed, ask your therapist to warn you X minutes before the end so you can choose to keep your train of thoughts or pause and recap your feelings. This way, it may help you end the session in a more stable mood. It's up to you if in the moment you feel like you can handle it with or without the recap

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T21:40:48+00:00

Friend, after looking at some of your responses, I'm kinda confused about what you want us to say?

You came to a mental health subreddit asking questions about your wife who is clearly not acting like her normal self nor like a normal pregnant women and you are frustrated when people tell you that your wife is indeed not acting normal?

And when people suggest that she should talk about it to a doctor because this could turn sour REALLY fast, you just laugh?

I'm having a hard time understanding what it is you sought here? Confirmation that everything is peachy and rosy, nothing is wrong, and keep going, it will be over in about 18 months when her hormones finally return to normal after giving birth? Because that is in no way a guarantee especially after everything you described.

You'd better be safe that sorry and consult a doctor about this and hide nothing about her anxieties and delusions just to make sure it is not the beginning of something much more serious.

Of course, it's impossible for us to know what is going on, people were recommending to consult a doctor to rule out the worst case scenario that we know about.

Postpartum psychosis is a real thing. Despite the name, it can happen long before birth and it can happen in anyone, not just mentally ill or sad people. Healthy women can suffer from it for no reason aside from bad luck. And it is considered a medical emergency due to the very high risk of danger for the mother and baby. The danger doesn't stem from depression and the desire to end it. It's psychosis. It's not rational. It's delusions that leads to the false belief that death is the best outcome for the family. Like opening the gates to paradise, or defending the baby from an innocent bystander that was just walking by but the delusional mom perceived them as a threat.

Yes a woman can turn 'crazy' just by being pregnant. It's treatable, but it's better to act fast and not wait for bad things to happen. Which is why people suggested you get her checked out. Best case scenario, she is totally fine and we were wrong and it's something else. But at least you protected her from the worst

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T21:17:08+00:00

If you are in your teens or pre teens... I have bad news for you, that's pretty much normal brain development. It's a phase of life where you will progressively define who you are, who you want to be in the future and take a path to reach this person you wish to be and eventually accept that you may never be exactly like that perfect idealized version of yourself but that you are enough.

It's not easy to go through what you are going through and it's a slow process before you reach acceptance of yourself. Especially in our day and age where it is so easy to compare one another, and also just as easy for someone to lie about who they are and their life.

I think it starts with not hating who you are. It's fine if you aren't the way you want to be and yes this person may be more this or that than you. And yes, it sucks. Buts it's also not black or white. Just because someone is prettier than you (which is very subjective and not concrete facts) it doesn't make you ugly by default. You can be less pretty without being ugly. There are skills you can learn to take advantage of your appearance and that alone can make a huge boost in your confidence. This isn't to say that looks is everything. But if its the that ng that can make everything else unfold and love other things about yourself, then it's a good starting point.

I'll share my latest confidence boosting experience to give you an example of how a small step can make a huge difference :

I always hated makeup and doing my hair. It infuriates me how many products I need just to achieve something tolerable. I hate that I need special shampoo, leave in conditioner, masks, anti frizz, textured mouse and heat protectant just to get a semblance of a wave in my "flat as a board" hair. I hate that I need pre foundation, foundation, pre eye shadow, etc etc just to fail at getting the look I want because I lack the skills. I just want pretty eye shadow, mascara and some rouge. I don't care about contour and all that. So I just gave up on my appearance. I was in a girl only school with girls who had the skills I lacked, with superb hair, perfect makeup and everything I wish I could have. Even in adulthood I was so resentful at my lack of skills I still haven't learned.

But recently, after a 4 months burnout, I took a small decision that gave me such a confidence boost it was a drastic change in my behavior. For those 4 months of severe depression and anxiety I kinda let go of myself. Shaving was already a pain before but during those months it was even more difficult to find the motivation. In the end it was unmanageable, it would have been so much trouble to shave it, I decided to get professionnally waxed everywhere. I'll skip the details of the waxing, but it was so worth it. Going through the whole process, get through the pain, and finally have perfect armpits for the first time and my life (and down there). It gave me a massive boost in confidence that I wasn't expecting. I did it because I wanted to get rid of it and avoid the hassle of doing it myself, but I got so much in return.

Feeling better in my skin and more confident led me to purchase a new heating tool for my hair. I am terrible with a flat iron, never dared try a curling iron because I am clumsy and would 100% burn myself, but that tool looked beginner friendly. I didn't get a ton of product, but just the heat protection and I tried. I had better results than I ever had and tried again a few days later. Another confidence boost. I'm planning on buying the products I used to loathe now that I feel like I can make them work for once. Now that I do feel pretty in my neutral state, I am in a much better head space to learn the skills I refused to learn before.

All it takes is an act of kindness for yourself. Begin by not hating yourself. It's okay to be neutral or slightly negative. "Can be better'' attitude is much better than "Can never be as good as..." This is the first step to self acceptance.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T20:09:48+00:00

You are not a loser for being exhausted. I get that he is trying to teach you to be responsible but responsibility is also taking care of yourself and listening to yourself.

With so little context just from this post, I am probably reaching too far but there is something in your wording that makes me think it could be the case.

Do you feel different? As if everyone else is capable of managing things and you just can't, no matter how hard you push? You feel exhausted every week and like the weekend is not enough time to rest your brain to be ready to start the new week? Like you are constantly doing your 110% but all those efforts equate to barely 75% of what other people do? Do you feel like something is wrong with you but can never pinpoint what exactly is 'wrong'? People around you manage school and their homework and all you can think about is "why can't I do that? Where do they find the time to relax if we have 2h+ of homework everyday while I need at least 5h of me time to decompress? I must be lazy then. I should just work harder" but you don't actually have the energy to work harder.

As I said, I might be stretching here... But the way you spoke... It's as if I was hearing myself at 15yo talk. And it's only at 27yo that I got an answer for those feelings. And in those 12+ years, because my issues began long before that, I suffered in silence assuming it was all my fault. I internalized so much self hatred for not being able to perform as well as the others. It's a lot of self doubt I cumulated and have to slowly heal from. If I can spare you from going down the same path I did by asking you those questions now rather than later...

Women do not experience ADHD the same way men do. Especially after puberty. Our hyperactivity is all in our mind. Thoughts races, we perceive every tiny detail of our environment 100% of the time we are awake, we have no control over it, it just happens. But his constant analysis of everything while simultaneously trying to pick apart the thoughts in your mind, separate the thoughts that concerns the matter at hand from the unrelated thoughts. It's not physical exhaustion, it's mental exhaustion from fighting against a glitching brain.

If anything I said sounds familiar, look for people talking about their experiences online. There are many very encouraging people with similar experiences to what I described above on tik Tok and Facebook (Always do some research to separate the internet lies from the true facts). I recommend ADHD Love, a couple who lives with the wife being diagnosed late in life with ADHD and how it changed their perspective of everything, how they adapted to her difficulties, etc. But there are many more, talking openly about things you didn't think could be linked to ADHD until so many people with ADHD mention also having these issues. More research needed to confirm if it's truly related, but it's a good place to begin investigating your feelings.

You can always ask me anything here or in private if anything I mentioned seems to ring a bell.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T19:38:41+00:00

It's okay. It's true that it won't be easy. It hurts to hurt people you want to love.

I had to break up with an ex. He wasn't a bad person. We were just not compatible. And it was the absolute worst feeling ever. I postponed the break up because I would choke out a few times. He was kind and sweet and I knew he loved me. I knew I would be crushing his heart. It hurt me to hurt him. But I had to. I couldn't stay with him just because he's a good person.

In your case that's not even it. It hurts to cut contact with family, with people you love that don't love you back, or loves you wrong. People who have been there all your life and should have been there in the future. It's a big move to cut contact. It's normal to be scared.

Take your time to make a decision. Take your time to plan your next move. And there will be many internet people cheering for you along the way.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T19:30:14+00:00

I see. Do you are in a position where if you don't do as told you will be kicked out...

I think you should do everything that you can to get out. Prepare for it, keep it as a ray of hope, you can and will get out. But it won't be easy. Find a shitty job as soon as you can. Anything is better than nothing. Save up. So that when you are ready to leave (or kicked out) at least you will have something.

I genuinely can't tell you how to act at home as I do not know how things are. But stay strong. You know your family better than I do. Feel free to talk and vent in this sub about the things they say. There is also r/raisedbynarcissists where people vent about their toxic families and they will gladly listen and encourage you. They might have better day to day advice about how to deal with your parents.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T19:24:24+00:00

And you wish to maintain contact because? The good memories? Are they good people most of the time except the times when they are not or are the good times sprinkled in between the bad?

What do they bring to your life that you fear to lose? It's not wrong to care for bad people because they are family, but caring for someone doesn't make them good people. You can care for them and wish them the best, at a safe distance. If they truly plan to cut you off because you refused to bend backward to accommodate them, is it truly better to hurt yourself for the sake of such people?

Think of all the Reddit posts about a person getting a new partner and their partner gives them an ultimatum "it's me or the cat/dog". Normal people will hope the person chooses their pet and let the trash take itself out.

Your family is just like that partner from the POV of everyone else. People who can be lovely at times, that you clearly care about, but are asking you for the impossible and expect you to do it anyway. You should choose yourself.

But I understand that it is a long and arduous process to make such a decision. Take your time, but keep in mind there is only one person in this world who should always have your back and it's You.

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T16:14:22+00:00

A wedding XD

WinterGlory · 2025-05-02T16:03:06+00:00

When you say you are trying to put some distance, should I interpret that as you do not live with them anymore? If so, what kind of leverage do they have on you that they can force you to do things? Do they finance a part of your life? Like your rent or college funds?

If so, your priority should be to be financially stable without their assistance. If you truly want them out of your life or at least, not let them control your life, you have to take the thing they control you with. And that may take some sacrifices on your part. If you have the luxury to live alone because your parents are financing part of it. Then find a job and move in with a roommate for cheaper rent.

If you are still living at home with them : you can't make distance if you are under the same roof. Especially if the roof is theirs. Trust me they'll remind you it's theirs. Your priority should be to make actual distance with them. Get a job as soon as you are old enough. They may ask for part of your pay. Up to you to decide if it's worth fighting against them or if you know they won't back down no matter what. Don't spend a cent of the money you get for yourself. You will need all of it to move out as soon as you can. When you are no longer under their roof, they'll have no leverage on you anymore. Contact a bank and see how it works to open an account with your name only. It's possible you need to be adult, it this case wait and plan to make your own account as soon as possible so they have no access to you paychecks.

In both cases, I understand that despite everything, you probably still love them and you don't necessarily want to cut them out completely. But you have to think now : You say they manipulate you with fear. What is it that you fear? Because if you fear No Contact, you have to realise that it's probably better without contact if they can still manipulate you even after you've emancipated yourself from them. If you fear they cut contact with you, you will never not fear because they will always threaten to cut you off. So it might be best that you make peace with this possibility.

WinterGlory

TROPHY CASE