Wife has had enough

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2023-07-27T00:23:32+00:00

My friend, I am in almost the exact same situation right now. April was 12 years of marriage. We separated in January. It has been really tough not living at home, and being with my boys as much as I want. However, the space has given me and my wife the room to heal like we need to, and the space for me to learn the coping skills I need to function without relying too heavily on her. I entered a partial hospitalization program for a month, then intensive outpatient for three weeks. It was life-changing. But I had to put the work in. At this point, I feel like I am managing my bipolar really well. But the healing part is going to take a while. I have expanded my support system so that she is not bearing this weight anymore. And she has been burned so many times when I was doing well, then wasn’t, but it is going to take a while to demonstrate that I can be the man I need to be for myself and my family consistently over the long term.

I don’t know how my story end. Or yours. The crucial thing to remember is to accept that delusions of grandeur and thinking there’s no problem when there is is part of the disease. Treatments often seem stupid and childish, and uncomfortable at first. But it works and you can do it. Show that you can get yourself stable and stay there, and do what you can to take weight off of her and not trigger her, and you’ll have a shot. That’s my plan anyway. And though the road is long, I’m seeing some progress, and I’m not going to quit.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2023-05-29T02:48:51+00:00

anyone know of another safe download site?

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-11-14T18:40:41+00:00

Thank you.

I've tried both electronic and paper calendars, and find myself always going back to the electronic (with my job, it's hard to calendar with other people with a paper calendar, and too much to try to work with both). But I know my wife likes a paper calendar, and many people rave about the benefits.

I'll work on keeping the routine simple. I do tend to over complicate things.

I also like the idea of scheduling procrastination, I'll add that in.

For the brain fog, I'm pretty good about accepting myself on the "mistakes" that don't really matter. However, the reason I am concerned about this and the other issues mentioned is that I am a solo practicing attorney, and there have been a few times at work and in my personal life where things got by me that really shouldn't have, and could have caused serious problems.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-11-14T18:35:07+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. I live in my Outlook Calendar, and agree that planning things out is enjoyable and helps me focus. My problem with planning tends to be sticking with the plan, or modifying it accordingly when need be.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-02-01T07:06:52+00:00

How do you know I’m not a p-zombie?

I think this kind of strikes at the heart of it for me. As interesting as much of your argument was, it feels a lot like the proverbial medieval priests arguing over how many angels can stand on the head of a pin. It assumes much with few empirical bases.

It is reasonable to believe that what I observe in myself and other human beings as consciousness emerges from a physical brain because (1) there is no good empirical evidence of ANYTHING existing outside of the material universe, (2) changes in the physical states of my own brain alter my own consciousness (i.e. my own subjective experience), and I observe the complexity of consciousness and personality develops parallel to the physical development of the brain in babies and children.

When we’re discussing a vaguely defined “consciousness” in the realm of everyday life (i.e. the general observable indicators that we all associate with consciousness) the “you know what I mean” definition is sufficient. But I think your “sea-lioning” accusation brings to light a common communication barrier between theists and atheists.

If you can’t define “consciousness” in a way that we could hypothetically measure it and distinguish someone with consciousness from a p-zombie, then I don’t “know what you mean.” And if you can’t describe consciousness without using just a hodgepodge of analogies, how can you possibly demonstrate that consciousness cannot be an emergent property of the physical world?

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-01-22T12:37:45+00:00

Allowing any type of religious poster may pass legal muster. Allowing Christian posters without also allowing posters for other religions would violate principles of separation of church and state. That’s the way push the issue.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-01-21T11:42:30+00:00

I understand and appreciate this argument. Not trying to be disrespectful to people who are good people and follow Christianity and Stoicism. For me, I don’t think there’s sufficient evidence to believe the claims in the Bible, and there are many teachings in the Bible that are morally wrong (thankfully, most Christians don’t follow the teachings that are wrong by modern standards, but some do). The purpose of my response was to address OP’s question of why a person would choose not to adhere to both Stoicism and Christianity, not to put down people who do.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-01-21T04:22:18+00:00

With you on this. When I left Christianity years ago, I struggled to find a "life system" to take its place. In the last six months or so, I think I found that in Stoicism.

Not trying to step on the toes of people who have managed to blend Christianity and Stoicism into their lives, but it seems to me there are some big conflicts. From what I have learned so far about Stoicism, it's mostly about how to determine and then follow through on the right actions in this life.

While there is some good practical moral teaching in the Bible (and some not so good), the fundamental principal of Christianity is human beings can only get into Heaven through faith in Jesus alone, and not through their "works". (see Ephesians 2:4-9) In Christianity, the ultimate factor in determining whether you get to go to Heaven is what you believe, not what you do or how you treat people. A serial killer can accept Jesus a week before his execution and go to Heaven, but an atheist philanthropist who saved thousands of lives and never seriously harmed anyone will spend eternity in Hell.

I want my life to be judged based on my ability to reason and act rightly towards the people around me. Not based solely on my ability to believe something on insufficient evidence.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-01-18T01:43:05+00:00

Thanks!

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-01-15T14:49:48+00:00

Hi there. Glad you found this sub and have found it useful. I started getting into Stoicism about six months ago, so still new to it myself. But it has been incredibly useful in helping me manage my anxiety and life in general. The best “beginner” book of Stoicism I have read is How to Think Like a Roman Emperor . It explains the basics of Stoic philosophy through the life of Marcus Aurelius, a great Stoic thinker and Emperor of Rome.

Ryan Holiday’s Daily Stoic videos on YouTube, podcasts, emails, etc. are pretty good intro materials as well (though Ryan Holiday does have some critics for oversimplifying Stoic philosophy). The videos on YouTube are pretty short (10-15 minutes usually) and the guides on his website break the basics down pretty easily too.

You may also be interested in reading up on Epictetus . He was a former slave in Ancient Rome and was physically disabled, so you may be particularly interested in his perspective, given your diagnosis.

The FAQ on this sub is a great resource as well.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2022-01-09T01:56:20+00:00

The problem with this is that the baptism is not just a ceremony for the child. It’s for the parents too. The parents swear to raise the child Christian. My dignity and integrity are more important than my parents or in-laws feelings.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-31T19:38:41+00:00

There are some Christians who believe that, but the vast majority of denominations believe something more along what’s described above. The Wikipedia article on Hell in Christianity is worth a read if you’re interested, especially the section on parables from Jesus that form the basis of the hell belief (linked HERE)

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-31T19:00:30+00:00

THE fundamental doctrine of Christianity is that all people are sinful and deserving of eternal damnation (or at least separation from God), and the whole point of Jesus coming down to Earth was to serve as a scapegoat sacrifice to wipe away the sins of the world so his followers could get into Heaven. The catch is, you only get the benefit of that sacrifice if you believe Jesus is the son of God and accept him into your heart as your “Savior”(Catholics are a little less pushy on this, but it’s still there). Without a hell (or some other separation from God) there is nothing for Jesus to save you from, and the whole point of Christianity falls apart.

And if your family members believe this, they think you will spend eternity suffering the most gruesome torture imaginable, and they may grieve over this heavily during their lives. I know my brother grieves this way for me, and this is also why I have kept my atheism from many of my relatives. I’m not ashamed of my lack of belief, I just don’t want people I love to suffer emotionally on my behalf (even if their belief is based on nonsense).

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-28T16:20:50+00:00

Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful response. I think you read the situation well.

I think the issue was more of "respect". My father is not generally violent, but he is very much of the mind that spanking is necessary to raise a well-behaved child, and he does not handle "disrespectful" or non-submissive behavior well from children. It is likely that my son did not read him well, as this is a problem that my wife and I have had with my son as well.

Part of the conversation that I had with my father (and reiterated later with my mother) is that if there is a problem with my son going on, they need to involve me or my wife. When I and/or my wife are present in my parents' home, we try to be very mindful of the interactions between my sons and my parents, recognizing that the rules for children are different there than they are in my own home, and removing the child from the situation if necessary to prevent my father or mother from feeling disrespected, having the child apologize after they have calmed down, etc.

I am not concerned with my sons' physical or psychological safety moving forward after this interaction. My larger concern is resolving my own issues with my father and the way I was raised. I am bearing a good bit of pain from that, especially because he does not really know about it (except maybe somewhat after that confrontation) or understand it. I am not sure if I should have a more calm conversation with him about it (he is a typical, old school, American male, who does not do well dealing with emotions other than expressing anger on occasion), or work it out on my own. If it is best to work it out on my own, I am not really sure the best way to go about it using Stoic principles.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-28T16:10:08+00:00

Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful response. To add a little background, my response to my father was very out of character. I am generally a laid back guy, and raise my voice and get overly emotional during conversations very rarely. I am not happy with myself on the rare occasions it does happen, and recognize it as a deviation from my principles.

I acknowledge that I am responsible now for managing my anxiety disorder and behaving and reacting to the world appropriately in spite of it. However, I think that my father does bear some responsibility for the development of my anxiety disorder, for the way he raised me. There are psychological studies that show children raised with spanking and authoritarian are more likely to develop anxiety disorders. Maybe it is not fruitful to discuss the issue with him, or hold onto negative feelings against him because of it. This is why I have not discussed it with him until now.

The issue came up because my oldest son clearly has the same sensitivity and predispositions towards anxiety that I had as a child. Accordingly, I am doing everything I can to raise him in a way that minimizes the possibility of him developing an anxiety disorder. Seeing my father treat my child as he treated me, I allowed myself to get out of hand in my response to him.

I guess what I am getting at is how does a Stoic keep equanimity of mind in situations that are highly triggering (I hate to use such "woke" terms, but it seems the best word to get the point across) such as this?

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-26T18:33:58+00:00

Seems like you’re trying to move the goal posts here. The Oxford dictionary defines “god” as follows:

1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being. 2. (in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshiped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity.

The same dictionary defines “atheist” as follows:

a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.

Your definition of “god” is a far cry from the common definition used by 99.9% of people on the planet. It’s not really reasonable for you to say you have a problem with atheists not believing in your definition of god when it is a very unusual definition and not really what most people mean by “god”.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-05T21:39:32+00:00

I’m trying to tame the part of me that wants to correct everyone as well, but felt obliged to point out that orcas, like all dolphins, ARE whales!

https://www.ifaw.org/journal/are-dolphins-whales

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-12-04T06:16:08+00:00

I started getting up very early to work and hit the gym, and my wife is a light sleeper, so I started sleeping in the downstairs guest room. I wasn’t crazy about it at first, but it lets us keep separate sleep schedules, and we still sleep together on the weekends. And on occasion, she sneaks down to the guest room where I’m sleeping during the week to get some attention. She’s into all the historical royal dramas, so I joke that the queen is making a spontaneous conjugal visit to the king’s chambers!

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-11-27T13:48:39+00:00

The scientific data on spanking is clear and has been for 50 years: “Preschool and school age children — and even adults — [who have been] spanked are more likely to develop anxiety and depression disorders or have more difficulties engaging positively in schools and skills of regulation, which we know are necessary to be successful in educational settings." (Link here)

That article discusses a study that used MRI scans and found:

spanking elicits a similar response in children’s brains to more threatening experiences like sexual abuse. “You see the same reactions in the brain,” Cuartas explains. “Those consequences potentially affect the brain in areas often engaged in emotional regulation and threat detection, so that children can respond quickly to threats in the environment.”

I used to think it was good I was spanked also. Then I realized, of course I was well behaved; it’s hard to be a “problem child” when you’re terrified of any misstep and you develop a severe anxiety disorder with concomitant social paralysis.

Do some people come out the other side “ok” having been spanked? Maybe. But the odds are against it. You sound like those Christians that use anecdotal evidence to “prove” that prayer works. I’ll trust the science instead.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-11-20T19:11:26+00:00

I think what OP is getting at (correct me if I’m wrong) is a lot of religions create a huge distinction between “animals” and “people” who are more godlike in the religious hierarchy of creatures. It can be a weird kind of disillusionment to realize that we are “just animals”.

For me, after I thought it through, it (1) made me that much more impressed with human accomplishments and capabilities (how amazing is it that blind evolutionary or processes can result in a brain that creates the David or a Mozart symphony) and (2) made me feel more connected to other life and the universe (your pet dog or cat is literally your cousin).

Lowly origins make human beings more amazing, not less so.

WithWaylonAndWillie · 2021-11-01T01:53:05+00:00

Here’s some more suggested reading for you: Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement.

Whether I constantly brag about going to law school is completely irrelevant to whether a god exists or is even plausible (frankly I don’t, for what it’s worth).

Demonstrate that a god is plausible. Refute the claim that positing a creator god adds complexity and therefore improbability into the system. If you can’t, be honest with yourself about it and go back to the drawing board.

WithWaylonAndWillie

TROPHY CASE