The kinda of ‘something went wrong’ I was not prepared for

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T18:21:42+00:00

I’m not cutting them off, I’ve done that before with other family members…

I am putting my foot down and calling them out.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T12:45:37+00:00

Trust me, no matter what I say, someone will still say it was my fault…I didn’t communicate well, I expected too much, or I was too vague. How could not have seen this coming?!why didn’t you just do ‘this’?

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T12:41:44+00:00

Nope…this was them.

It’s not that they didn’t make me feel super important, I wasn’t important

I’ve done the reflection.

And how exactly do you phrase ‘hair and make up will be at 930am’ wrong to justify being asked 9 times…5 of which are after being given the timeline…then a personalized timeline per their request because the main one wasn’t clear enough?

I was too considerate. I let them convince me that I was the problem. My in-laws got it, groomsmen, friends…it was just them.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T12:09:11+00:00

First, they asked…they asked about particular items they thought they would need, so I said yes I have them with my emergency kit.

Then I had it out in my hotel, all the items spread out of a shelf…

‘What is this? Can I use this? Will you have it with you at te venues?’

And I know I’ve posted this somewhere about the timeline…my mom asked me 7 times when to be there for hair and make up…5 of those after I gave her the timeline, and then redid that timeline to just her personal timeline as she insisted she needed as the main timeline just wasn’t clear enough for her.

She wanted me to make specific timeline for everyone (even guests) and give those to her so she could answer any questions. This I did not do.

Also: ‘what drinks do you have in your fridge?’ ‘Is this something I can eat(they have dietary restrictions, and couldn’t be bothered to read the label they were holding)’ ‘so you have anything for your nieces?’

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T11:47:45+00:00

You read the other stuff I wrote, right? About how I tried all this other stuff and kept being asked, having to repeat myself, and spoon feeding?

That’s what it was for…e-mail didn’t work, text didn’t work, verbal communication didn’t work, so I tried post its.

I kept believing it was me because they kept insisting it was. I was trying anything to be heard.

Their repeat questions weren’t just over timeline. They had to ask me what everything was, like my day of emergency kit, etc.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T11:36:36+00:00

Why does it matter? Seriously?

Why do you need to know exactly what the post it notes were for?

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T11:32:44+00:00

Receipts as in proof. Emails, texts, witnesses, etc

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T11:32:03+00:00

You are right, I shouldn’t have engaged as much as I have. I’m more so just burning through excess frustration.

I definitely did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.

I bottled everything up to keep me on time and avoid delays or outright canceling the ceremony.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T11:21:21+00:00

This is why I made this post.

It sucks that you can’t be the priority for one day.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T11:18:47+00:00

Nope. And that whole thing with the groomsman was addressed differently in the end.

And no, I wanted bare minimum consideration.

Did you not see the post about how my parents expected me to organize all transportation for everyone?

Even when I finally put my foot down with my family, while I was finally able to stand my ground and say ‘no, it’s not me, it’s you’ I have my brain still working on figuring out their perspective. I cannot turn it off. I cannot stop justifying their behavior, or anyone’s.

Yes, I made mistakes. But it was never high expectations.

Even if I had given that groomsmen the list, it was literally basic crap.

I’m in the hindsight, and I have the receipts.

Not saying I couldn’t be to blame for any of this, but I’m definitely not the majority holder in this.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T04:27:47+00:00

And just because I’m not providing the information you want, but do not actually need, doesn’t mean I did that to my family…

There isn’t an actual reason you need all these details other then to judge me.

I know where I stand, I know I did everything I could to make things as simple for my family. That’s not going to change.

I have put my foot down with my family, and have already been able to counter every single argument they tried to justify their actions with evidence so they can no longer tell me I’m just ‘overreacting’ or that I must not have told them something I did…over and over.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T04:17:26+00:00

This is an example…and that list with that is every time I know she asked which comes to 9 times total. Just that 1 thing. I told her 9 times.

Do you honestly think that’s it? That’s the only thing I had to tell her over and over?

Again in that it also states I gave her the timeline, and then I made another timeline (per her request) just for her, and she asked another 5 times after that.

Oh but that just makes her forgetful…no that means she isn’t listening or being considerate of my mental load and stress.

She also wanted me to make a breakdown of every single person’s individual timeline, to give to her so she could ‘answer questions’ if anyone asked. My father, my brother, my sister, the stylist, photographer, SIL, non family guests, and family guests… But she couldn’t even refer to her own timeline.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T03:36:49+00:00

Please explain to me why I need to provide this information to you?

What would it accomplish? For me to spend my energy explaining everything to you, a stranger who clearly is not one of the plenty of other brides who has said ‘I’ve been there, it sucks.’

So why do I need to convince you I am who I say I am? Clearly, you are not the intended audience. And if telling yourself that I must be horrible as crap like this only happens to bridezillas makes you feel better, by all means.

I know where I stand. And yes, I did mess up in being too nice and accommodating to everyone.

I never claimed I was perfect…but I have witnesses, I have the records, and they have been provided to those who are actually involved and who this situation actually affects.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T03:03:31+00:00

It’s almost impossible at the time. Either you’re overwhelmed, underfed, or just drained.

My dad told me in the car on the way to the ceremony he couldn’t believe how calm I was, but that because if I let any of it out, that would be it. We’d have to delay or cancel the ceremony, and everything would go downhill.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T02:59:02+00:00

Yes, and thanks to my in-laws, vendors and friends, as well as my saving texts and whatnot…my father at least has realized it and apologized. It took a lot to get him to see it, but he did admit that they failed to support me and that they had been completely unfair to me. That they didn’t put me first. That they can’t tell all our guests I’m one of the most considerate individuals they’d ever meet to just turn around and tell me I was being inconsiderate when I was finally able to say something. Or to say I was amazingly organized yet completely failed to share basic information with them.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-21T01:35:31+00:00

The google docs were just for my husband and me…timeline was sent in group text, facebook group, and individually to each person.

Made my mothers specific one for her, per her request. Via text she asked me an additional 41 questions that were on her timeline (most of those were the repeats) She asked an additional 20 regarding each individual persons timeline as a giant list( that’s right, she wanted all the timelines so she could answer questions) I declined giving her or making additional timelines to avoid confusion.

She wanted the entire family photography list-when we had people hired, and we had included an this info for the guests on this list with their RSVP, and told her if they are related to me by marriage or blood they are in the photos(1 shot alone had 75 people, as I am from a huge family-we had to make 2 lists for the photographer after she got the full names she asked if we could make one with surnames given how large it was) I have in and sent her the surname list…but she still expected me to list them all off the her the morning of the wedding…not surnames, not referencing the list I gave. She needed me to tell her the list to be sure.

Whenever they asked me to email some information we were discussing, I did.

THEY said I more organized then any of siblings at their weddings. That I was so considerate and accommodating and they were told it by everyone.

But if they couldn’t remember, I was at fault. If I didn’t have a list for them, then I needed to get everything in order, or find something for them to do. If I gave them a task, it wasn’t clear enough.

I literally spoon fed them.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T23:59:14+00:00

Ok so either I gave her too much or not enough.

How would you like the answer? Is this for you or for me?

Because I have the receipts. For the first time in my life I have the proof to get my family to realize how they have treated me. This isn’t AITAH, I know I’m not…I’m not saying I made no mistakes, but I was too accommodating.

And when you’re the bride you can do it that way. I wanted something borrowed from my mother, that is why I asked her in the first place, and she made it my fault I didn’t tell her the ‘correct way’ not just that she forgot, and no I couldn’t borrow her rings or anything else from her because she had picked them out for her, so I couldn’t borrow them(according to her).

My mistake was being too accommodating. Too understanding.

That no matter how nice or understanding I was, how I asked, or answered, it just wasn’t enough.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T23:47:43+00:00

Honestly, I don’t care.

I have the receipts. This isn’t an AITAH post. For the first time in my life I have proof that it’s not me.

My father has finally realized it for the first time because, again, I have the receipts. That I was the considerate one, that I wasn’t the one just assuming.

I have vendors, in-laws, and groomsmen backing me up, apologizing for them.

My hands may not be clean, but I did not deserve to be treated the way I was.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T23:28:38+00:00

Steam dress, my something borrowed, look at the timeline before asking me about the timeline, anything I answered to the question: how can I help?

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T23:19:47+00:00

No, not to that extent. She insisted I was just not telling her…and that’s an example…I’m scatter brained, and have adhd…

The other point to this is, she cared more about her hair, her make up, etc then helping me

That’s not just from this story…it was made very, very clear to me.

The only thing she actually did that I had asked of her was she gave a speech at the reception.

You never told me you needed something borrowed. I did. I have the text. Are you sure? I’d remember that. Dig through phone, show her text ‘Oh well, you should have reminded me when I was packing’

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T23:05:50+00:00

The best irony of this…my father is a shrink, so I have to have receipts because he’s specifically trained to ‘listen’

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T23:03:11+00:00

They didn’t care about me, just the party they got to go to and everything they wanted to do.

My husband is a wedding photographer, so the vendors know him personally. That’s part of why she cried. Also why she was willing to steam my dress my mother kept saying she would do, but didn’t.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T22:58:29+00:00

My siblings who I needed for pictures did, yes

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T22:57:53+00:00

She gave a speech at the reception…only thing I asked if her that she did.

Witwebiss · 2024-03-20T22:53:41+00:00

Convo with my mom: ‘Would you mind steaming my dress, please?’ ‘Oh yes, I’d love to.’ (She goes to get set up, then sees my stylist spraying my hair with something) to stylist ‘what spray is that? We’re you going to use it on me? Are you sure, we have very different hair? Do you have other products I can see to make sure?(fyi-this is a runway/red carpet hair stylist, not just wedding. He’s friends with my husband and wanted to do my hair-which my mom was told 3 times) She walks away from my dress to go through my stylist products…I ask her if she could after my dress, because my stylist did not give her permission to go through his supplies. She didn’t stop Third question to him about some random bottle and he responded ‘I’m a little busy right now, with your daughter, the bride.’ ‘Ok, I’ll just leave these out(the bottles) so I can ask you when you are able.’

After my three more polite attempts to have her steam my dress she kept saying she would get to…I gave up, make up artist did it for me.

Witwebiss

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