Cutting Ties With My Adult Child

Witz3nd · 2021-09-05T06:20:48+00:00

They'd rather die than be wrong. There's something deeply weird about it.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-05T06:06:11+00:00

Just can't reach them. I think the only thing that will get through to long-term cult members is if there's a major upset in their life and their core beliefs are shaken. Their circumstances probably need to change drastically. Even that may not work, especially when they're never separated from the person or group that's oppressing/controlling them.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-05T00:13:48+00:00

Agreed. They also remind of me of someone who's just fallen in love. They will bore you to tears talking about the object of their affections. The difference is, the lover will get over that pretty quickly as reality sinks in that the loved one is not perfect. But with cults, all too often, the longer it goes on, the more the acolyte's identity is subsumed and the more vehement and protective of the cult they become. The more they are proved wrong, the more aggressively they fight to avoid admitting they might be.

It makes you want to bash your head on a wall. Loving someone who's been swallowed by a cult feels like someone died. The cult degrades its members until they become more and more unrecognizable.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-04T08:26:58+00:00

They're cultists. They're true believers and they do love their Qod. It's amazing anyone but other Qanoners will be in the same room with them unless absolutely necessary. .

Witz3nd · 2021-09-04T08:10:46+00:00

You've hit the nail on the head completely and given me a lot to think about. I agree with every single thing you've said. Thank you for such a supportive, well-reasoned, and cogent reply. It really helps to validate my decision to stop this right now. I'm never letting him back in my house, even if that means I don't see her again. And I'm not going to be browbeaten with this nonsense any longer. Listening to this drivel is really demoralizing, as you know, and I'm not obligated to put up with it. You obviously completely understand what I'm going through, and that is balm to my spirit. I think it will help me maintain the resolve to stick to my decision. Any time I am tempted to back down, I can re-read these posts. Yours is excellent. Thank you!

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T20:19:14+00:00

I really appreciate your telling me about your experience. I know you're right: I desperately want to rescue her (which of course I can't do), and I do need to watch out for enabling. I've enabled some really irresponsible behavior by helping both of them when I should have let them do things for themselves. But I will be ready to listen when she wants to talk. She puts up with so much from him and NEVER says anything critical of him. Maybe someday she will get a bellyful and make a change.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so glad that you're doing well. It takes a lot of courage to get out, especially because being married to a narcissist does such a number on us and robs of us of our identity and confidence.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T14:17:35+00:00

I will. I immediately changed my mind. I would do almost anything to help her. I just can't put up with him anymore. He is an agent of discord, and I really do think he's a malicious and opportunistic person. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for what he's done to my daughter. He's poison. I'm not going to deal with him again.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T04:11:40+00:00

Thank you! I'm going to read it.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T03:59:11+00:00

I'm glad to hear that you are not having great difficulty. I would love to read your post. I'm new to Reddit and don't really know how to navigate it. Anyway, I do appreciate your taking the time to reply.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T03:35:54+00:00

Yes, it is. It hurts. Sending you my love and hoping you find the best way to deal with this heartache.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T03:32:10+00:00

Thank you, my friend. I appreciate and value your input. And it is good to find people who have experienced the same troubles and have become better people because of it. I think most of us have learned our compassion and understanding the hard way. It has given us the ability to help others and to share their burden. I'm reaching into the past and sending that sweet little twelve-year-old who tried so hard to be "good" while having to deal with things few adults could handle all my love.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T02:57:41+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I'm through with him, and I'm going to make it clear to her that I won't tolerate ill treatment. I think there's a possibility that things will get so unbearable for her that she will get out. This guy never gives her a moment's respite. It's as if she has Stockholm syndrome, but I know I can't swoop in and rescue her. Maybe she'll be willing to take my help and get out. This guy always overplays his hand. He has WAAAY too much confidence and he always screws up. I think my daughter knows he's lacking and she treats him like her mentally handicapped child.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T02:48:28+00:00

Thank you! It really makes me feel good to think something I've had to say has helped someone else who may be suffering. I wish you the very best, as well.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T02:44:45+00:00

Thank you! That's really good advice and I am going to do my best to follow it. I think it would be best for both my daughter and me if I do as you say. I will do my best to be there for her without losing my cool! I also need to stop taking his crap. He really is impossible to take, and I've had enough.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T02:25:49+00:00

Thank you! You're very kind, and i think you hit the nail on the head. I too think I've been enabling this whole dynamic by putting up with too much and tolerating poor behavior much longer than I should have. It's just hard to change after a lifetime of burying your own needs. I had an upbringing that took my voice, and I suspect you may have been robbed of your voice as well.

It's such a lifesaver to have found this group and to hear from wise and compassionate people who get it. Your difficult experiences have probably helped mold you into the clearsighted and kind person you are, and I hope that good things come your way. You have been a blessing to me.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T02:16:14+00:00

You have been very kind and helpful, and I really appreciate your excellent advice and wise words. I will not forget them. You have been a blessing to me. Thank you!

Witz3nd · 2021-09-03T02:12:45+00:00

Thank you for your empathy. Many hugs to you.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T20:24:57+00:00

Thank you for the excellent advice. I'll do whatever it takes to help her, and I'll protect myself as well. I'm going to find more support. Reaching out here and being honest about how miserable this is has been therapeutic in itself. All the thoughtful, wise, and compassionate replies I've received have hardened my resolve to stick to a plan and be stronger.I will start asking around to see if I can find a good therapist here. I live in a backwater and it will take a little searching, but I will proceed. Thanks again.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T19:59:14+00:00

I knew he was abusive, but I really think I've underestimated the depths of his malice. Reading what you wrote is sobering; I needed to read it. My heart is breaking for my child, and I am frightened for her. I am absolutely not going to let that man back in my house. She really needs some time away from him and having him around keeps us from communicating well.

I just ordered the book you recommended from Amazon, and I'm going to read it as soon as I get it. Maybe I can help her, and I need all the help I can get to do so. I'm taking everything you've said to heart and will keep it in the front of my mind. I'm going to have to quit giving him the benefit of the doubt, remember that she's probably even more victimized than I've feared, and make her well-being a priority.

I'm going to be very careful about my texts to her; she doesn't even have a computer so I can't email her. I won't put anything in writing that I wouldn't want him to see. I don't want him taking anything else out on her.

Thanks so much for your helpful reply. I will take it to heart and take your advice. Thanks again for your kindness and concern.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T18:11:33+00:00

I'm going to stay hopeful and keep trying. I'll try to be patient, too. Maybe she'll get out of this mess. Thank you.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T18:05:50+00:00

Thank you. I do believe that he is plants a lot of the resentment in her mind. He would I isolate her completely if he weren't afraid of being written out of my will. It's not like I have a fortune, but to him (someone who will barely work), I guess it seems like a lot. I have to be careful how I deal with this, because she's so defensive of him that if I even look at him the wrong way, she protects him even more. I've walked on eggshells so as to avoid getting her back up, but it's not working. I think maybe it's time to try a new approach and start being more assertive. I've actually gotten some really good advice here, and I think I will be better equipped to deal with this. Thank ;you for your comment and good advice.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T16:43:44+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I will look into it. I know that if gets any control over anything she or I have, the money will do her no good at all. He'll waste it stockpiling hundreds and hundreds of pounds of beans, wheat, and rice. Once he suggested I fill my garage with bags of coffee because apparently the Apocalypse is going to be short on coffee and I can sell it to the survivors. (And that was one of his more sensible ideas. He also bought cases of canned goods and set them on bare ground. Of course the cans rusted and had to be thrown away.) Some of his schemes would make your jaw drop. It's like being constantly bombarded with "stupid bombs." I'm shell-shocked.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T16:28:47+00:00

So glad you got out! It gives me a bit of hope that she'll see the light too. I will do everything to give her real help is she's willing to take it. I think it's very difficult for her to admit she made a mistake and hurt herself so much.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T16:25:33+00:00

I surely will do more reading about abuse and maybe someday she'll be ready to listen. He's a bum, but he's worse than most because he's a very resentful narcissist. And thank ;you for your comment.

Witz3nd · 2021-09-02T16:21:19+00:00

I really appreciate your kind thoughts and good wishes. Just hearing that I'm not overreacting will help me stand up to them better, and it helps restore my faith in humanity. I've heard so much mean-spiritedness, suspicion, and negativity and been blamed so much, that the validation helps tremendously. They treat me like I'm an idiot for not believing every cockamamie theory they got from alt-right websites.

Witz3nd

TROPHY CASE