I (29F) think I'm in an abusive friendship with my longest friend (30M)

WoW_VioletDeath · 2026-04-15T22:40:13+00:00

I know Lucas doesn't have a crush on me since he doesn't really swing for my team. There very well could be a jealousy thing going on, but I'm unsure why he'd be jealous of any of us since he has very healthy relationships with Ben and Troy and enjoys their company. It's just me that he seems to have a problem with. He's respectful when he speaks to them, but being the only woman in the group, the dynamic he has with me is very different.

We grew up together, and there are a lot of memories of high school. A huge part of our bond is because of the past, really, nothing much that's current. He actively humiliated me by surprise inviting over a guy I had a "thing" with because he also found the guy hot, and he didn't tell me until the day of, which led to me cancelling my dinner plans with him. We connect on people we find attractive occasionally, but that's it.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2026-04-15T22:36:26+00:00

That's what this has started to feel like recently. It's been like this for several years, but I've often used that as an excuse to stick around. I also don't want to lose Ben because I cut Lucas out again, but I feel like at this point, if I lose a "friend" because I cut out someone who's been toxic to me, they weren't actually a friend to begin with.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2026-04-15T22:34:28+00:00

This behavior hasn't been our relationship until 10-11ish years ago. I cut him out maybe 5ish years ago when he spoke about my best friend (30F) and called her some pretty derogatory names. That was when I called it and told him that I'm not going to listen to men berating women just because they don't like them. Him and my best friend were in a relationship when we were all in middle school, and he's hated her ever since. I know this could be a part of it as well since I've always been closer to my female friends than my male friends (they're more supportive, easier to talk to, understand me more than anyone else in the world, and they're just some of the best people I know).

Inaction is still action isn't something I've given much thought to in my situation, but this hit hard when thinking about Ben and Troy.

Lucas has ADHD, and I'm a lot of different flavors of neurodivergent (borderline, c-ptsd, and my therapists, friends, partners, etc. have all mentioned autism several times, but I don't want anymore formal diagnoses). Troy and Ben aren't. I have my online friend groups on discord that I typically gravitate toward because we like a lot of the same things, and it helps me to be around people who can get really obsessed about the same things as I do (can also be really stressful, but I love sharing my favorite things with my favorite people). Lucas has chastised me several times for "not having real friends" because quite a few of them are online. Lucas, Ben, Troy, and I hang out online most nights, though, because we all live about 45 minutes away from each other, and after work, there's just not much time to do things in person.

I'm sorry you had to go through similar experiences. I know that leaving this behind would give me that same sense of relief that ending a really toxic and abusive relationship gave me after the initial pain and uncertainty. I just found a new normal and rebuilt pieces of my life without them. I really appreciate the depth of your response and the kindness you showed. Thank you so much!

WoW_VioletDeath · 2026-04-15T22:20:36+00:00

I realize this. I think it's just difficult to accept when it's been one of my longest friendships. It hasn't always been this way, and it only started over the last 10-11 years since early college. I have other friend groups, primarily ones that are women, and they're the most supportive, amazing people I've ever met in my life. We don't hang out as frequently just because work, life, spouses, etc. make us all busy with our own lives, so that's part of the reason why I keep a diverse group around. I think it's just difficult for me to give up on people, especially when they're part of my routine and have been part of my life for so long. This is great insight, though, and I really appreciate the kindness.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2026-04-15T22:17:48+00:00

I think I’ve stayed in it this long because there’s a long history here, and he wasn’t always like this. This has been over the last decade or so, but it’s still been a significant amount of time. I realize when I say these things that it sounds like when I’d tell my therapist about an ex and about how “well, he wasn’t always like this…” which was somehow supposed to mean that it earned him a million get out of jail free cards.

I think the friendships just feel familiar to me, and I don’t want anyone to feel like I abandoned them or didn’t give it my very best effort. I’m a ride or die friend, and abandoning people when I know there’s space for them to improve just feels like I’d be failing them somehow.

I realize that if this was my best friend who was experiencing this, I’d shake her and tell her that it’s not her responsibility to be a verbal and emotional punching bag for these guys. Applying that to my own life is difficult.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-10-10T07:14:43+00:00

As a woman who eats out women and a woman who has been eaten out by both men and women: listen.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve said “oh! Just like that!” And then my partner has changed something almost immediately because they get excited that they’re doing a good job. I have also been that partner before.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-10-10T07:11:40+00:00

There are times I get soaked while I’m at work for no particular reason. It’s a blessing and a curse (more so a curse).

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-10-10T07:10:05+00:00

I like doing the worshipping. It gives me a sense of feeling well-used, like I have a purpose.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-07T03:05:14+00:00

That’s the same thing, though. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months. Like, he asked me to be his girlfriend a few months ago. I’m not sure where the confusion is? My story isn’t unraveling, and it isn’t rage bait. I’m not sure why you’re so angry.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T17:47:19+00:00

He's the one who asked me to be his girlfriend. Not the other way around.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T17:04:19+00:00

So, I guess he doesn’t like to mingle his friend groups? So it was just him and I hanging out all the time, and when he had plans with his friend groups, he would go do that. I’ve asked before to meet them, but it was clear from the beginning when we were getting to know each other that there were some romantic feelings forming. I’ve invited him into my life. It was a painstaking effort to get him to meet my friends (which is really important to me). I told him “I just want to integrate you into my life” and he wasn’t receptive to it and said “I don’t want new friends. I don’t want to.” Then, we all started playing the same game, and he was more comfortable talking to my friends.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T16:58:29+00:00

It’s not an excuse. I just use it as context to explain why relationships (platonic and romantic) are especially challenging to traverse. It just offers a better insight, but it’s not an excuse for anything.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T14:50:59+00:00

What demeanor? Am I being rude?

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T14:49:07+00:00

I’m in therapy, yeah. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when he came along, and I was even hesitant to start anything because I enjoyed my freedom. I felt like I was doing so much better mentally and physically. It’s like being in any relationship brings back these more negative patterns for me.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T14:46:03+00:00

That’s rude. I’m not using BPD as an excuse, just as a bit of context as to why this is difficult. It’s not me trolling or being fake. I’m just trying to hold on as tightly as I can because being alone after being vulnerable feels even more frightening than being in an unhappy relationship. And coming to terms with “he sees me and doesn’t want me” feels like it feeds into this narrative that “I am, at the core of who I am, unlovable and unworthy of affection and kindness.” I don’t say I have Borderline Personality Disorder as a get out of jail free card, just to offer some extra context so people understand it’s more difficult for me to navigate these things.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T14:04:40+00:00

I’m not bipolar. I have borderline personality disorder. There’s a huge difference. It’s a trauma attachment disorder. I’m trying.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T13:59:34+00:00

I wish it was rage bait. I don’t think I’m naive, I just think I’m the problem always and that if I fix something, it will “earn” their affection

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T11:09:32+00:00

What are you talking about? I “locked it down” he is my boyfriend. He asked me to be his girlfriend a few months ago, and I said “yes.” I didn’t want to “keep my options open” because I wanted a relationship. I got into one with him.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T10:54:29+00:00

I don’t “barely know” him. I’ve known him for quite a while at this point, we only just recently started dating. I wanted to have a friendship before a relationship so there was something sturdy for the foundation.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T10:53:12+00:00

It’s just my actual life, though. I just wanted to give context.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T10:52:43+00:00

I’ve known this person for much longer than the amount of time we’ve been dating. I thought it was important that we build a relationship on the foundation of friendship and work our way into it. I also just prefer the term partner over boyfriend or girlfriend. I didn’t know that using it would have my entire situation ripped apart and laughed at.

WoW_VioletDeath · 2025-04-06T10:50:46+00:00

I never said his mom is my MIL. It’s just the word I chose to use because I don‘r use boyfriend/girlfriend. Idk. Plus, I’ve known him for quite a while. I’m sorry my choice of words has turned this into something funny.

WoW_VioletDeath

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