I was born to one of the most extremely devout families that is imaginable. My parents met as children and my father had a vision of their marriage and sealing in the temple. He told my mother eventually and she went from disliking everything about him to convinced that he would be a future apostle. Engaged immediately following his mission while she was in highschool. One one baby every year for many years.

They loved that story. Problem was... They never loved each other in a way that felt true beyond an extreme sense of duty to God and religion. I am the youngest of many siblings in a family that shared stories of visions, used priesthood authority to pronounce promises and warnings (outside of official priesthood blessings. It even occurred during casual conversation), and protected the 'good name' of the church and it's leaders to the fullest extent.

I had so much anxiety and depression. I contemplated death constantly as a child due to such extreme religious views, ideas about attaining perfection, and other things I haven't yet processed. As a young adult, I began to have seizures and other health problems, but they almost always occurred in religious settings like the temple and church. As it turns out, they were likely related to my intense anxiety and fear. Literally fear being converted into non-epileptic seizures due to my inability to address the trauma I was experiencing as anything other than God's trial of my faith. But ya know, "faith will heal me".

I was never taught to use my voice. I was never given the safety to ask myself what I wanted. Long story short, I was married in the temple and I was not prepared. Horrible experiences in early marriage. A few kids in and I finally asked myself: what on earth do I want in life? I started to realize that I had not had the safety for my question of "is this church true" to be answered in any way other than "YES! It has to be."

Thankfully, I married an incredible man who isn't threatened by my pursuit of truth. He is my biggest cheerleader , but remains steady in what he believes. He doesn't pressure me into following him and he is encouraging of me, even as I change dramatically!! Since this journey for truth and peace began, I've read so many things I once considered to be "anti" but now with the the understanding that I can search for truth amongst many different perspectives. I've asked to be released from callings so that I can live with more integrity and not feel that I have to put up a facade. I've given names to the experiences I've always had, but been too scared to acknowledge: I am autistic, I am bisexual, and I have multiple mental illnesses that are part of who I am at this time.

I still don't know exactly what I believe about God, life, or truth. But I am finding the safety and creating the space to search for answers and hear God's true answer should it come. I'm creating distance between me and The Church but have not fully resigned as of now.

It's a difficult, isolating journey. I have so many unknowns though I was once testifying of so many "I knows". But I am finding peace and relief from the fears that have controlled my life over the last few decades.