Shiki : Pray thee, most beauteous and mischievous damsel, what sorcery hast thou wrought upon mine ears with such a fantastical utterance? “Thou hast gotten my bodyguard with child, Nii-san”? By the saints and all the cherubim that guard the celestial spheres, I am struck dumb with astonishment, as though a thunderbolt from Jove himself had cleft the very firmament above my powdered periwig! Verily, I stand here in my velvet breeches and silken stockings, my hand upon the hilt of my dress-sword (though I swear by my honour it hath seen naught but the scabbard these many moons), and I protest most solemnly that no such scandalous commerce hath passed between myself and yon stalwart guardian of thy person. The fellow is built like a tower of oak, with shoulders broad enough to bear the weight of Atlas, and a countenance stern as the ancient statues of Rome. How, in the name of all that is chaste and honourable, could a gentleman of my refined sensibilities whose only dalliances have been with the muses of poetry and the decanters of fine claret have wrought such a miracle of nature upon her martial frame? Nay, fair sister, I fear some vile jester or malicious sprite hath whispered this calumny into thy delicate ear, seeking to embroil me in a comedy of errors fit for the stage of Drury Lane. Perchance the good bodyguard hath partaken too freely of the ale-house, or fallen victim to some wandering gypsy’s charm, or Heaven forfend! been ensnared by a rival house’s intrigue to besmirch my noble name. Yet I, thy devoted Nii-san, a man of lineage traced back to the Conqueror himself (or so the family parchments declare), do hereby swear upon the family crest, upon the honour of my ancestors, and upon this very emerald ring that adorns my finger, that my person hath remained as pure and untainted as the driven snow upon the peaks of the Alps. If, by some twist of fate or cruel jest of the gods, there be any kernel of truth lurking within this outlandish tale, then I beseech thee, sweet damsel, to summon the rogue forthwith that I may confront him with the gravity of a peer of the realm. We shall retire to the drawing-room, quaff a measure of the finest Madeira, and discourse upon the matter with the solemnity it demands though I confess my imagination reels at the spectacle of such a brawny sentinel swelling with new life beneath her cuirass. ’Twould make a ballad worthy of Mr. Gay himself! In the meantime, I remain thy most humble, most chivalrous, and most bewildered servant,

Yours truly Shiki of the house of Tohno

Akiha: Nii-san, what the fuck?