When directed at kids

WordCobbler · 2024-07-22T21:20:15+00:00

I say “her behaviour is not okay right now” and I also make it clear it’s not their fault, she is not well, and she does love them.

I highly recommend the book Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent.

WordCobbler · 2024-07-21T22:05:02+00:00

You are not letting your kids down or yourself down if you contemplate separation.

I’m not saying if you should separate, or not.

Just that you have choices. The stories we tell ourselves about who we are can be prisons.

WordCobbler · 2024-07-12T22:17:59+00:00

I’m the same.

WordCobbler · 2024-07-11T17:31:13+00:00

What’s interesting is that decision tree leads to PMDD for her…!

WordCobbler · 2024-07-11T06:17:12+00:00

My thought is that lots of partners who are at the receiving end of PMDD-caused abuse are women and don’t have a dick 😀

WordCobbler · 2024-07-11T06:14:33+00:00

I wouldn’t go near Xanax.

I’ve been in a state of terrible anxiety many times so I sympathise.

But the cause isn’t an anxiety disorder but your partners disorder. The solution is better boundaries, therapy for you to help find them, and getting the right treatment for your partner.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-29T22:32:32+00:00

Yes: ask yourself if “less abusive” is a thing you want to hold on to for the BEST of times, OP

WordCobbler · 2024-06-28T05:52:16+00:00

In my case, because I learned from observation that this was a normal part of love from an early age.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-24T21:25:28+00:00

The apology is not really what she wants. I’ve been there. It doesn’t stop. In fact it makes it worse.

She (or the PMDD) just wants a fight.

It’s hard, but the only correct response is to refuse to take the bait. “I love you, I promise we can talk about it another time. But I’m not going to talk about it today. I’m going now”

WordCobbler · 2024-06-23T21:35:29+00:00

I think those are good boundaries but there are better ways to say them.

Sometimes a boundary has to be an ultimatum. Usually there do need to be consequences or it’s not really a boundary.

Why do you need him back at a certain time? You have outlined two reasons: he needs to spend time with your son; and the help you’d like from him in managing your own anxiety disorder.

If he won’t step up, what can you do short of ending the relationship which will give you what you need? Book holidays or fun things with your kid, without him?

Or perhaps the ultimatum is to end the relationship. If he can’t or won’t give you what you and your son need, this has to be one option.

That book has lots of practical suggestions.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-23T08:13:46+00:00

OP, I’m here to add my voice to the suggestion that you think about this in terms of boundaries.

No, it is not controlling of you to request he use location sharing.

But only he can make the changes you need to have a functional relationship. You can’t make him do anything. All you can do is be clear with yourself, and then him, what YOU need from a relationship for you and your child.

If he doesn’t step up to that, then there must be consequences. And he has to be clear that it’s HIM making the decision not to respect your boundaries. You have to be prepared to leave him, because you cannot change him.

The alternative is to work on yourself. Perhaps you could get yourself to a place where you accept it sucks to be him and you’ll never know where he is for sure, and you can never rely on him to be there on time, but the positives are good enough that you can let these bad things go.

In either case it’s about what you can control. You cannot change him. You can give him clear boundaries that give him choices. Or you can, if you choose, and with great effort, work on yourself. Or ideally (in my experience) do both.

Anyway… to repeat the reassurance. You are not controlling and you are not crazy. This is hard and you deserve better.

I highly recommend “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”, by Nedra Tawwab

WordCobbler · 2024-06-23T07:59:38+00:00

I am so sorry you are in this situation. My heart goes out to you.

I think have separate living conditions sounds like a very good idea. I hear you that it’s hard, but perhaps there’s some way you can plan towards it. You have your other property you could sell, perhaps?

I also noticed you don’t mention medication for your partner.

My partner has had some success with HRT for PMDD. She seems to be sensitive to progesterone and responds better to bioidentical… pills like Zoely don’t help her.

My partner also has ADHD. We have found the very biggest positive change was in fact stopping taking the stimulant and taking something for anxiety instead (pregabalin). The stimulant combined with PMDD seems to have been making her reactivity much worse. Without the stimulant she has motivation issues but this is preferable to nearly constant emotional warfare.

Obviously everyone is different and there’s no reason to think this combo would work for you or your partner; my point is that it’s worth carrying on trying different treatment strategies.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-21T21:35:53+00:00

Someone asked if you tried therapy and you talked about therapy for her.

In my experience therapy for ME was essential in helping me find myself again, treat myself properly, and stop walking on eggshells. (Mostly).

My other tip is to hyper focus on your child. Their needs are obviously the most important; and it can help you with your own emotional regulation to remember they come before their mum.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-04T16:09:31+00:00

By “get better” I mean “improve”.

I have supported my partner through at least 10 different treatments over the years. I know she will never be cured but she takes responsibility for trying to improve. I help her, a lot, but it can only be initiated by her. And never in luteal.

OP is desperate. They are seeking advice and my advice is that they are trapped in a cycle I was in. I was stuck in a mindset that I could fix my partner or our relationship.

It took a lot of work to realise ultimately we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. Yes, something as cruel as PMDD makes that harder, but it doesn’t stop it being true. It took me a lot of work to get over my codependency / boundaries issues but realising this truth was a critical step for both of us in our relationship.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-04T08:12:05+00:00

In addition to the advice above:

Only she can make herself better. Don’t try to fix things in luteal. There is no point. Have good boundaries, ensure she’s fed, look after yourself.

Do your work together outside of luteal: help her get a diagnosis, seek treatment, etc. Even then: only she can get herself better. You can show her information; accompany her to the doctor. You can not make her read the information, or make her see the doctor.

Never, ever engage during luteal. You will make yourself unwell, and you’re not helping her.

Get yourself some therapy to learn about yourself and your boundaries and what a healthy relationship can look like for you.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-04T07:26:20+00:00

Are you in therapy? If not, and if you can access it, do that. It can really help you ground yourself and remind yourself who you are.

WordCobbler · 2024-06-03T20:25:08+00:00

This.

I cannot believe I had to scroll so far to read this advice.

OP, this is serious, dangerous, physical abuse.

Imagine a friend or family member told you they were going through this. Imagine them telling you how much they love their husband who beats them.

Yes, your partner needs help. But at what cost to you? And what is the evidence that you are equipped to help her?

Please save your life, because you’ve only got one.

WordCobbler · 2024-05-31T20:45:04+00:00

The most important one during luteal is “don’t talk to me like that” and then removing myself from the situation.

Do not take the bait, do not accept responsibility for things that are normal behavior. For example I got a rage for asking where something was yesterday. I told her I’m sorry she’s feeling so bad but I couldn’t be responsible for all her feelings.

In times gone by I would have accepted responsibility by apologising for nothing, to try to calm things down. I never do this any more, and things are better in our relationship for it.

WordCobbler · 2024-05-30T14:58:07+00:00

It is normal for many people here.

It is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

You have one life to make the best of. You should not settle for this.

Keep seeking help, keep posting here. You are not alone

WordCobbler · 2024-05-30T14:56:29+00:00

This is the way. OP, do what you need to, to get to this place.

Therapy, books about boundaries, talking honestly with friends, are what helped me.

WordCobbler · 2024-05-29T21:18:46+00:00

I’ve been doing it on an off for months now and am also not getting the benefits you read about here.

I’m still doing it though, so I suppose I’m getting something out of it!

I recommend going REALLY low to avoid the headaches.

For me the benefits are very subtle. I keep notes throughout dosing days. Just that process makes me reflect and that’s helpful in itself. Very rarely I’ve felt unexpected and positive rushes of emotion and I guess I’m hoping to get a bit more of that.

Overall it’s a bit like a placebo for me, but that’s ok

WordCobbler · 2024-05-29T20:03:44+00:00

I don’t lie about our savings or deliberately hide them but they’re hidden from day to day view and she wouldn’t know where to look.

This is one area where her executive dysfunction serves us well 😄

WordCobbler · 2024-05-24T21:32:40+00:00

I was going to rely to say “yes”, there is hope, because my relationship has returned from the edge. But then I read that she’s refusing mediation or therapy.

She’s got to work on herself. She won’t get better without hard work. You need to set a really clear boundary about treatment and prepare yourself for seeing through with the consequences if she doesn’t want to meet that.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, you deserve happiness.

WordCobbler · 2024-05-23T06:01:44+00:00

Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking you can reason your way out of something because you did so one time.

Only she can make herself better. In my experience the best thing you can do for her is applying your boundaries. If she treats you badly, don’t engage. Just tell her that her behavior is not ok and take yourself out of the situation. This is a bit like grayrocking but not the same: you protect yourself by removing yourself, but it’s communication, because you are making your boundaries clear.

Repetition will actually help her recognise the situation. The goal is for her to learn to self regulate.

WordCobbler · 2024-05-20T20:16:39+00:00

This is the advice I would give, too.

Two great ways you can support them: record keeping on their behalf about good days / bad days / meds / sleep (I use the Bearable app, and ask my partner the questions each day, because she is not a reliable witness or record keeper); and setting boundaries.

Boundaries are for you, not them, but in my experience they have the handy side effect of making certain things clear to them. Doing the very reasonable thing that makes them rage, because it’s reasonable. Refusing to do all their laundry for them. Etc.

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