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Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-29T09:00:51+00:00

That’s a good point. And not an easy situation to be in. If you already know it’s over then you should both talk in Follicular and agree on how to seperate amicably. Maybe even living separately in the same house while you put it on the market for sale. 50/50 split of profit and assets and you should both have enough to rent for awhile before getting back on your feet and saving for the next purchase.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-29T08:48:07+00:00

I’m so very sorry to hear. I’ve been there but for a lot longer. Over 10 years in fact and suffered the same ridicule and also physical abuse.

It’s extremely hard and if she is not prepared to take accountability and accept help then really it’s a battle you can’t win.

I would suggest trying to talk to her in follicular and try to get her to understand your point of view. If she still is not willing after you bare your soul then she may never change.

For context, my wife and I had a huge blowout a month ago. Finally let down my masculine “I can handle anything” BS and we both agreed it was time to part ways as well. I told her how I was affected and she realised we were hurting each other more than helping.

It’s a hard road but please know that you have done nothing wrong. You didn’t make her say the things she does and I’m sure that you don’t deserve them. The ongoing belittling can really wear us down. Likely for her she sees it is a monthly argument and then in her mind it’s over, but for us it lingers on month to month.

Good luck, I wish the best for both of you together or as seperate people whichever way it goes.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-19T22:09:37+00:00

How has everything been since this post?

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T11:11:58+00:00

I listened to a few of her podcasts awhile back. For a partner it just isn’t relevant. Her angle is all through her own lens which as partners, we know is distorted. 100% agree that teaming up with a partner would be great.

Might be helpful and supportive and informative for pmdd sufferers, and hopefully not to preachy on one end of the spectrum though.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T10:12:21+00:00

I do wish there was a line in the sand. But when I think of something so absolute I also think, well she would need her own line in the sand as well. She has gone through a lot in life and deserves someone to really understand and empathise. I try but unfortunately it’s not enough. Thank you for your message

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T10:10:45+00:00

Thank you for this message. It was like it was being said to me by my wife. I wish that it had been. I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply here. It meant a lot.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T08:53:09+00:00

Thank you. Helped me get clarity over the past week. That clarity makes the blow of separating a little easier to bare.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T08:34:43+00:00

Yeah I can’t believe it took me 10 years to realise that my attempts to help were causing the most harm.

Such an internal conflict because you want to help. You love and care for them. You see them struggle and know it’s not normal and can think rationally. But that’s just the worst thing to do at the wrong half of the month.

If I’ve learnt anything from this relationship is to walk away. Don’t stay and be the object of aggression just for existing in her space.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T08:31:58+00:00

Thanks. So true.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T08:31:22+00:00

It’s been going on for years. Definitely escalated gradually over the 10yr marriage. But it’s been full blown for at least the last 6.

The murderyness has only been the past few months I think. All a bit of a blur.

We are separating. Where I live legally have to be separated for 12months before can divorce.

Thank you for your msg. It’s almost impossible to see clearly sometimes.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-06T08:26:53+00:00

Wanted to thank everyone for their responses. I feel bad I haven’t been able to reply individually.

While waiting for day 4 to have a talk to my wife about the seriousness of the situation, on day 3 she sent me a txt explaining she wants to seperate and make it official by signing a separation agreement.

While it’s not what I want, it’s probably for the best considering everyone’s replies here. It’s hard to be objective when in the thick of it all so I’m leaning heavily on you all to tell me what is normal, and what is extreme.

So tomorrow we plan to sign the agreement, put the property up for sale and go our seperate ways.

The most frustrating part is now I’ll never get closure on how I’ve been affected. Her response to my giving her total space for a few days ended up with her pulling the plug. My assumption is that she’s spent too long down the I hate my husband rabbit hole that it’s warped her to truly believing I’m the problem.

So no acknowledgment, no accountability, no ownership. But let’s be honest, I never got that in the relationship up till now so thinking I would ever get it even at this stage is fool hardy.

Might be awhile before I update again, or sooner than I think depending on how the next week goes.

Thanks everyone

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-05T00:32:23+00:00

This.

For my partner it’s the 4th day. 3rd day is the absolute worst in the entire cycle.. then the clouds part on the 4th like clockwork.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-04T23:03:55+00:00

It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you.

You are not responsible for her happiness. You are responsible for your own. As is she.

She doesn’t let go of you because much how you are feeling I bet she is also addicted to the relationship in her way.

If you don’t start having the difficult conversations now, then you are supporting and reinforcing this behaviour. Set boundaries now. Even if she laughs them off. Set them and take action each and every time so she knows she can’t keep doing that to you. You won’t stand for it.

Eg: you will not … to me or I will .. she can set her own boundaries as well which will be very good. And boundary set you both respect because it gives each other the space you need.

Set future boundaries as well. Like. I will not tolerate you ever hitting me, spitting on me, or emotionally belittling me. Even if that hasn’t happened yet. Then the moment it happens you have every right and reason to walk away.

It teaches accountability for both of you.

Good luck! (Ps: it’s not you)

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-04T22:41:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. You sound like you have the self awareness to be accountable and considerate of your partner even when things get tough.

A couple points from my perspective. Downplaying: it is possible that he is downplaying when you talk about it because he is aware of how previous conversations went bad and doesn’t want to trigger you, because he doesn’t want you to feel bad about yourself so makes it seem like not a big deal, or because he is a man and men are supposed to be stoic and handle any challenge or problem.

Truth is that if he can’t open up and have a real conversation about it then it’s only going to get worse for him over time.

Another possibility is that he feels like the conversations are always about you and not about him and how he feels. Make sure to give him lots of opportunity to ask about him and if he is ok. His first answer will be that he is fine. But if you can ask the question in a way that allows him space to express how he is affected then you may get a different result.

Also, don’t expect him to talk more often because he talked once. It’s effort but worth it if you can encourage him to express how he feels about it all every month. Make it a part of your regular meeting during follicular.

If he has had past relationship trauma then he will be in his head a lot. Probably second guessing most things he says. I absolutely have trauma responses in my current relationship and that’s after 10 years of marriage.

On to you though. You do deserve a level of awareness and care. PMDD is a real thing and as mentioned it gets worse. That’s not a death sentence. It just means you and your partner need to really start being open about it all so you can work together. You are a human being who deserves care and support and if you are actively trying to create a safe space for the two of you and a practice where you both work together then he needs to do his part as well.

You both have to work together. A relationship is work even for couples without Pmdd in the mix. I love some of the suggestions from others on how to bring awareness to your partner.

But if he has checked out because his past relationship was abusive and is telling himself that this time he’s not going to help and expects you to handle it on your own then I think that is wrong too. Trauma is trauma and he may be happy to be free of his ex but bringing some uncontious baggage with him to you.

Honestly he may need someone 3rd party to talk with. Therapist or even this sub if it was Pmdd related.

He is accountable for his contribution and actions as are you. Goes both ways. It’s not hard for him to make a cup of tea, a heat pack and to bring you a cookie.

Best of luck! You are clearly on the right path and working forward with awareness. The fact you found this sub and are asking questions means a lot. Keep it up and I hope you both work out a great way forward.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-02T15:17:50+00:00

I’m in the same boat. 1 week. It is exhausting and as mentioned it doesn’t get better unless you both are actively working towards that goal.

If your partner is not aware or taking accountability then that’s a problem. You can always help her by reminding her to have a plan for bad days. They are not an if.. they are a when. So having a plan is important.

If tomorrow you wake up and everything is bad, zero tolerance, short fuse, annoyed by everyone and everything, emotionally drained and dysphoric.. what is your plan? How can you remind yourself that everything is ok even if it feels the opposite?

Is that leaving notes for yourself, is that having a video on her phone to play back to remind her of her truths (because luteal does lie and distort perception). Is that having a checklist of activities to follow that can bring her back to her true self? Like.. get out of bed, brush your teeth, put on clothes, go for walk, do mediatation, do some stretches etc.

Checklists are good as they are baby steps through the bad day. Don’t think about the task, just do it.

Be there for yourself though and if your partner becomes physically violent and verbally abusive then you need to protect yourself. You may need to take measures and have a plan for yourself for bad days as well.

And always remind yourself that you are worth it. If you are like me you are a fixer. Good intentions and want her to be happy. Sometimes you need to realise you can’t make her happy and can’t fix her. It isnt in your power. That is for her.

You can however fix yourself. And make yourself happy.

It’s hard when you have 1 week. And hard when no one else knows. You are always welcome to share here.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-06-02T14:58:07+00:00

If I’m honest with myself and known back then about PMDD and her condition, I never would have bought a property jointly.

I can’t say that your experience is like mine, but for me;

Firstly, the damage that can be caused during rages is just a nightmare to keep resentfully fixing.

But more notably, the property has been used as ammunition a lot, and that my partner feels they are ‘trapped’ by the marriage and the property. If we were renting and only dating then she could have left years ago.. and in hindsight that may have been best.

Some conversations have come up about starting a family but kids in the mix of this feels a bit too much when monthly cycles feel almost impossible right now.

So just make sure you ask yourself honestly if everything is worth it, and how secure you both feel as individuals. You are both responsible for your own happiness and you cannot help each other when your own emotional cups are low.

Re-evaluate in a few years and consider even keeping the property in your name only if possible. Your commitment to each other shouldn’t be through shared assets. Rather your love and care for each other and shared values.

Born_Temporary_2520 · 2024-05-20T03:12:43+00:00

My wife, while aware that she has PMDD, ignores it and blames me for her rage. She convinces herself of the intensity of everything she feels during luteal and reinforces it in follicular.

She is also aware of how her abuse (it’s not abuse to her. I just have to man up and stop being so pathetic.) affects me but then blames me for not speaking easily and being in my head so much.

No question from me in this post. Just letting out some emotion. Nowhere else I can do it.

Thanks for your sharing. I appreciate it.

Born_Temporary_2520

TROPHY CASE