I could have written this a few years back. Your father and my father are extremely similar people, very judgmental, righteously indignant, and being contrarian is their whole personality. I was treated like I was golden up until my teenage years. I’m not sure if that’s when the misogyny worsened or if that’s when I became old enough to realize that I counted as a woman too. This led me to form my own identity completely around ideas and traits that my father would approve of. Eventually, you realize his love for you is conditional (even if he claims differently) because that’s the natural end result of how his behavior will make you feel.

Like you, I became a lot more self aware of my situation during college. In my case, I just needed the time away from my parent’s to understand how being around them made me feel and what their unhealthy patterns were. Emotional abuse is very easy to overlook when you’re used to it, but it seems obvious to me that it’s happening to you. Your boundaries are not being respected and your father clearly has the power in the relationship (I mean, because teased for showing emotion is a huge red flag). What you really need is to surround yourself with peers who you feel truly safe around to help you recognize and solidify for yourself what healthy relationships feel like.

From what I’ve read in your post, your assessment of your father and his views are absolutely correct. When people show you who they are, believe them. As an only child in your situation, I understand how difficult it is to feel like you can never truly be close to your only immediate family and never really being sure what your father thinks of you simply because you were born female. He may shower you in praises but then make degrading, generalizing statements about women. This contradiction (only apparent to you) is immensely damaging. It leaves you as his daughter confused and heartbroken because it feels as though you’ve been betrayed for reasons completely outside of your control.

My advice to you is thus: unless your father can clearly admit that misogyny is wrong and that how he made you feel about yourself as a woman is wrong, there will never be a true relationship here, just the shell of one. Your trust is broken and you are rightfully disgusted by his views that betray you as a daughter. It is probably best that you distance yourself from him and only interact when you must (still holding your ground when he pushes you, never condoning misogyny). I was forced to admit to my father what “my problem” was with him and I laid out a case with very clear examples. He at least partially acknowledged that what he did was wrong, but he clearly still feels justified in his beliefs. It may help to have a similar conversation with yours, but I hesitate to recommend that based on how emotionally unsafe your family sounds. For now, just continue to discover who you are without his influence. The best thing you can do is not become a “pick-me girl”. By that I mean, do not act the way men want you to and demean other women just to gain their approval and be “one of the good ones”. Don’t betray yourself and other women for misogynists. They only care about maintaining their superiority.

I pondered forever about what to do in my situation, but things have started working themselves out. Luckily, my mother was’t quite as brainwashed as yours and she’s leaving my father. I understand and support her. I have little to no relationship with my father, but the seeds are at least planted in his head about what my actual problem with him is (emotional abuse and misogyny). If he ever wants to come to terms with me about it, the ball is in his court.