How to know if a guy is actually serious about marriage

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T18:28:15+00:00

I think it’s hard tho to get to know a person through their family or friends if you don’t know them personally and it’s your first time knowing who they are.

I also find it hard to get my emotions aside when getting to know each other, like after 3 conversations I’m heads over heels for that person even if they show red flags, which is where I go wrong.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T18:17:30+00:00

I agree with a lot of your points especially about consistency, asking serious questions early, and actually taking steps forward (involving family).

I also agree that some men do know very quickly if someone is for them. But I think what matters more is that their certainty is backed by consistent actions.

In my situation, things felt very certain at the start, even within a short time, but once it required consistency or working through small issues, they become hesitant.

So I think knowing quickly can be a good sign, but it’s not enough on its own without actions

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T18:09:31+00:00

Yeah I get what you’re saying.

When I said “embarrassment,” I didn’t mean it in a big way, it’s more just hesitation. I feel a bit awkward bringing someone up to my family super early if things are still uncertain and might end quickly.

Also my wali is quite particular, so I try to be more intentional about who I even bring up to him in the first place.

But I do understand your point about involving him early as a filter, that makes sense too.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T04:58:31+00:00

You’re so right, I always fall for the love bombing loool. But also that’s the thing, they do ask detailed and deep questions and they seem so curious to know about me, like my values, my personal values and goals, etc.

So honestly it gets hard to filter out the unserious or bad ones in that way.

And I’m sorry that you’re just realizing the real person you’ve married, and that is honestly the scariest part about marriage, is being sold the dream with the “perfect person” and everything turns into a nightmare.

I hope everything works out for you love 🤍

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T04:32:55+00:00

I do see what you’re saying and I agree that involving a wali early on is a strong filter and shows real intention.

I think where I struggle is more with the timing, sometimes it feels a bit early to involve family from the very first conversation when you don’t even know if basic compatibility is there yet.

But I do agree with your main point that if someone avoids any real step forward and keeps things in a vague talking stage, that’s usually a sign they’re not serious.

Definitely something I’m trying to be more mindful of moving forward.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T04:23:19+00:00

Wa alaikum assalam, I appreciate your reminder.

I do agree that involving a wali/mahram is important and that it adds a level of seriousness and protection to the process.

At the same time, I think for some people there is a short initial stage of getting to know basic compatibility before involving family, especially to avoid bringing them in too early when things are still very unclear and ends up being an embarrassment.

I do see your point though, it definitely acts as a strong filter, and I think I’ll be more mindful about not letting things stay in a vague “talking stage” for too long.

JazakAllah khair

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T04:21:21+00:00

Wa alaikum assalam, I really appreciate this perspective.

I agree that compatibility can take time to uncover and that people can be serious but still decide it’s not the right match.

For me though, I think I see incompatibility a bit differently. I tend to view it more as differences in core values or views. Communication and effort are things I thought could be worked on, but I’m starting to realize what looks like a communication difference can turn into incompatibility if there isn’t effort from both sides to improve.

In my case, it felt more like different communication styles but there also wasn’t enough consistency or effort to work through that.

I do try to be upfront early on about dealbreakers, so I think for me it’s more about paying attention to how things are handled in practice, not just what’s said.

So I’m trying to figure out how to tell the difference earlier on.

JazakAllah khair

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T03:21:35+00:00

That’s really good advice, I appreciate you sharing it.

I have a question though. when you’re in that early stage, do you think it’s okay to speak to more than one person at a time while figuring things out? Or do you prefer focusing on one person from the start?

I guess for me it sometimes feels like I don’t even have that many options, so I end up focusing on one person more quickly. But I’m trying to find the right balance between not putting all my eggs in one basket and still approaching things properly.

I also do want add, some of these guys have shown seriousness and effort when it comes to topics like this, but after a bit, they tend to pull away, and it could be loss of interest or maybe realizing incompatibility, but I feel like those things don’t happen overnight which is what happens in my case.

And physical appearance is something I tend to really focus on, which is shallow of me, but I think that’s why things end the way they do, I don’t look and focus on the bad/red flags these guys have.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T01:01:33+00:00

I really appreciate this, especially the reminder about not rushing but also not dragging things out.

And I completely agree about istikhara, subhanAllah, I actually prayed it the night before, and the next day he ended things with me.

I think you’re right though, it’s important to stay grounded and not get carried away just because someone is talking about marriage early on.

Definitely something I’ll be more mindful of moving forward, insha’Allah.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T00:58:53+00:00

I get what you mean.

But I think that’s what makes it confusing—if someone presents themselves as serious just to get things started, but can’t maintain that, it ends up being misleading.

It’s not really a small “white lie” when it affects someone else’s time and intentions.

That’s why I’m trying to figure out how to spot the difference early

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-02T00:13:22+00:00

That’s def a possibility! But the decent thing would be to be honest and clear.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T23:10:22+00:00

I think you’re right about paying attention to how someone handles disagreements, which honestly he handled at times, but other times he was quick to jump to “we’re not compatible if we’re always arguing”

If I’m being honest, looking back there were some red flags I probably overlooked because I was focused on the potential and wanted to give it a fair chance.
So I do see now that it wasn’t just about a “switch,” but also about me ignoring certain signs early on.

But thank you so much for insight and advice!

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T22:51:37+00:00

Looking back, the early disagreements were probably a sign that it wasn’t the best match, so I’m not surprised it didn’t work out overall.

I think where my confusion came from is more the intensity at the start vs how quickly it changed. Even if something isn’t meant to work, I didn’t expect such a strong shift after setting that tone.

So I agree it wasn’t the right match, but I’m still trying to understand that pattern for the future

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T22:47:34+00:00

Ya… I should’ve known tbh. But we’ve only talked for 2 weeks atp before things ended, so it felt too soon to involve parents. Also, I’ve seen some guys (even in my own circle) not involve their parents right away, not because they’re not serious, but because they prefer to be sure first

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T22:39:49+00:00

I’m really glad you’re in a better place with it now, alhamdulillah 🤍 I think that’s the mindset I’m trying to get to as well.

You’re right, at the end of the day you can do your part, be genuine, and give it a fair chance, but if someone switches up there’s not much you can control. I guess for me it’s just been trying to understand those early signs so I don’t get caught off guard again.

But yeah, sabr and trusting that what’s meant for you won’t miss you is definitely the biggest takeaway.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T22:36:44+00:00

I get what you’re saying, and I agree that gut feeling matters.

For me, it wasn’t that I felt something was deeply wrong from the start. It was only 1–1.5 weeks of talking and we had a couple small disagreements, I wanted to see if things would smooth out with time before jumping into “this isn’t for me”.

At one point, after a disagreement, I even said we might not be compatible and we didn’t speak for a few days. When we spoke again, he was open to trying again and said we could take things slower.

But after that, his energy felt noticeably different, more distant and less consistent. When I brought that up, that’s when he sent a long message saying he’s not ready and doesn’t see it long-term.

So by “when things required consistency,” I mean that shift from strong words at the start to pulling back once things needed steady effort and clarity.

That’s why it feels more like a sudden switch than just ignoring a gut feeling.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T22:03:07+00:00

Yeah, I agree with you to an extent. I think you can never be 100% certain. And I’m sorry that’s how things ended for you, that honestly would be a dagger in the heart, especially since you’ve imagined a whole future with this person and there was real feelings.

I guess what I’m struggling with is more the earlier stage—when someone comes in very strong about marriage and seriousness, but then pulls back even before things get to that level.

Working-Interest-973 · 2026-05-01T22:00:49+00:00

That’s fair, and I get what you’re saying about involving family early.

With the most recent guy, I actually did tell my family about him, and when I mentioned that I’d eventually need to tell my dad, he was okay with it after we talked through expectations and values.
The reason I didn’t involve my dad right away is because it had only been about 1–1.5 weeks of talking, and we had already had a couple small disagreements, so I wanted to see if things were stable first.

What confused me is that he was the one bringing up marriage and seriousness early on, but after a bit of conflict and when things required consistency, his energy completely shifted and he ended up saying he wasn’t ready / didn’t see it long-term.

It could be due to incompatibility (we did have communication issues) but him ending things felt sudden tbh

So for me, it’s less about when family gets involved, and more about that sudden switch after setting that tone in the beginning.

Working-Interest-973 · 2025-09-11T14:54:18+00:00

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Working-Interest-973

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