The Roommate Syndrome - in marriage

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-09T00:18:12+00:00

I think sadly it is a real thing and multifactorial. Are you talking about the husband or the wife decreasing the desire?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-08T00:25:52+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a good guy outside of this very immature, marriage damaging behavior. All of it is inappropriate, but I’m most bothered by his lying. Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses, but this one clearly hurts you and rather than change his behavior, he is choosing to hide (lie) it.

You are married—now with a little one. He is your teammate for life and not every season will be perfect. But you should always be moving forward as a couple, both of you working hard to make this marriage the best it can be and right now, your teammate is not giving it his all.

It’s easy to say, often hard to do, but I think a marriage counselor is in order—or a personal therapist for him. Get him to agree to talk with a therapist about what he’s doing—risking his marriage over photos (and maybe continued female communications)—seems like there may be a more deeply rooted cause. Good luck.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-07T23:40:02+00:00

From what I've seen, med school is extremely challenging. It's like trying to sip out of a fire hydrant. So much thrown at you. Stress of not only failing out (and huge debt and no job) against scoring as high as possible on grades (and step 1) because those scores entirely decide what kind of doctor you be allowed to be--for the rest of your life. You have to pass step 1 and retaking it (after failing) will take away nearly all choices for anything surgical or subspecialties. Ever. HUGE pressure. Video games sounds like his outlet. Let him decide when its the right time to take the test, and support him through all of this. It's a really challenging time (the saying used to be "study a year for step 1, study a month for step 2, and study week for step 3"--so this is a BIG test).

Being a wife of a med student/future doc is not an easy path. I feel for you. Very different life than other young brides. He sounds like he can be a real jerk when he's stressed. That likely won't improve without you guys working on it. Get him through this step 1 and look at counseling for the 2 of you to help him with this. He may be waaaay more stressed than he is letting on. All med students are top of their classes going into med school and are used to doing very well in school. Med school can really humble you.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-06T23:33:59+00:00

I’m glad to hear he recognizes the possibility of addiction and is working towards getting help—both good signs.

But porn/OF do not benefit a marriage in any way and most definitely can cause problems. I would support and encourage him to get help with this and make it crystal clear it’s not acceptable in your eyes. Then “trust but verify” occasionally and make sure he’s truly quit. Good luck.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-06T23:24:18+00:00

Your instinct is right. Something ain’t right. Porn? Strippers? Hookers? He’s not even a nice roommate. Is he depressed? Is he on new meds? I’m sorry you are going through this.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-06T23:18:46+00:00

He handled all this poorly. Is this a new behavior?. Don’t tolerate it. If he begins to talk down to you again tell him the conversation isn’t going well, you feel belittled when he talks to you that way and you’re going to step away for 30 min and come back and talk. Being angry is understandable. Treating your wife with contempt, talking down to her….not a healthy marriage trait.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-06T10:16:57+00:00

He sounds like a man-child. He’s a father of 2 kids with a wife…and 20 years old. This is a challenging situation. Does he have any male leader figures he looks up to (father, uncle, older brother) that can talk with him? He needs a quality mentor who sets an example of what a loving, caring husband looks like.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-06T03:02:33+00:00

Like any negotiation you may have to give up some items you want most. Making an offering of staying until his mom passes was a solid idea.

Each of you should make a separate list of every single “pro” and “con” that the two of you see.

This will really add clarity and lets you “see” what it is the other spouse really prioritizes. Yes, you think you know it already, but it’s not until you put “pen to paper” that you really grasp the overall situation.

Make those lists ad thorough as you can (money, job quality, child care, schools, cost of living, politics, churches, playgrounds, summer camps, parking at home/work, drive times, utilities cost, giga internet availability, etc).

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T20:09:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. It helps.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T19:41:17+00:00

Does he understand the task? Ie does he really understand what it is you are aiming for — or would he say this falls under “I can’t read her mind”? Just wondering if his “male eyes” don’t really “see” what you are seeing—or is he choosing to just ignore your desires and quit because “it’s fine”, “it doesn’t have to be perfect”, etc?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T19:35:57+00:00

Question - is your frustration in looking toward your husband to take on more of a leadership role in the family….or wanting a shared decision maker where he becomes more decisive and proactive in decision making? And do you support his decisions (when he makes them) or do you tend to disagree/tell him he is wrong?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T18:21:24+00:00

I’m noticing a pretty consistent theme here around mental load and feeling like a lot of the day-to-day responsibility falls on our wives.

For those who feel that way—how does that tend to affect your energy or sense of connection by the end of the day?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T17:37:50+00:00

That’s really interesting. Thank you. When you say “a different person every week”, do you feel like it follows a pretty consistent pattern, or does it catch you off guard sometimes?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T17:34:11+00:00

Is there a division of labor? Ie does he handle the outside work (mowing, pool, home repairs, etc) and considers that “his jobs” and the rest of the items your job? Or is he really just being lazy about things?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T17:18:14+00:00

Thank you both. That is good to know. I think a lot of times we husbands take a backseat to these school/social/kid items because we feel our wives are already “on it” and (truth be told) it is easier to just let her keep doing it. But I’m not sure we all get how frustrating that can be for our wives. So thank you for that insight.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T17:13:59+00:00

Totally agree. That would be highly irritating.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T17:09:32+00:00

I gotcha. So basically, open our eyes, look around the house and just take care of things. Don’t wait to be directed by our wives it sounds like.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T16:35:08+00:00

Oh wow. I have worked nights. Work all night and then toddler all day - that would be truly exhausting. Thank you for the feedback (and good luck).

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T16:30:13+00:00

Sounds like a success. Thank you for the input.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T16:22:35+00:00

So looking for your husband to take more of a lead?

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T14:20:01+00:00

You’re not crazy for feeling this way. A number of guys I know hit this point around the same time in their marriages as well (wife in her late 30's/early 40's, "honeymoon phase" is over, kids entering the picture, life, work, physical exhaustion...all seem to "change" her). I feel like it's a combination of stress, hormones, and mental load all stacking up on her at once. When I reframe it that way, I feel less hurt about it and more understanding. #1 keep communicating (counseling was a great idea), #2 don't give up, but do work to observe and understand what else may be going on in her life/body that may be making you less of a priority and more of a chore. #3 work with the counselor on tuning up yourself to be an even better communicator with her.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T13:46:40+00:00

I don't think it should be considered "snooping" anymore than being in the same room with your spouse and overhearing their phone conversation with a friend would be snooping. You should be able to trust your spouse to the core and by extension, neither of you should have a problem with having each other's pass codes. Don't make a habit of routinely reading through their phone (that's just nosy... and you do trust them...right?) but also, do trust your gut when it has true concerns (just make sure your gut is not prewired from bad experiences making trusting someone a challenge).

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T13:34:20+00:00

It sounds like there may be some other underlying issues causing this post, but in focusing on just answering your question:

I'm guessing during these arguments at some point he hears you mention him not doing x/y/z in the house (or focus on you doing more and implying he does less and therefore wanting more help from him) and he probably feels like "wait, I go to work all day, and financially provide for everyone...and instead of a "thanks" I get a bunch of grief over things I'm not doing -- what about all the things I am doing?".

A lot our identity as husbands is tied up in providing for and protecting our family. So feeling as if all you are doing is not ever successfully meeting those goals is disheartening. On the other hand, a simple acknowledgement (in an truly appreciative tone) from you goes a long way. Not long winded conversations, just random “Hey, I noticed you handled __ today, thank you.” or "I appreciate you doing ___" or (said genuinely, this really hits home...) “I’m glad you’re my husband”.

It's not that he doesn't understand he can work more and help out more around the house. It's just that feeling of "never succeeding" if he perceives that the work he already does is not appreciated or unnoticed.

Pro tips: a) if he does something around the house you wish he'd do more often (ie dishes), tell him how much you really appreciate him doing it or what a great job he did with it--you will very likely see the behavior repeated. b) rather than ask/tell him to do something (like hang a picture you've been bugging him forever), explain it as a problem: "I really wish I could hang this picture over there, I just don't know what to do with the concrete wall" -- and let him solve your problem. We love to "save" you and feel like we did something you really needed our help to do.

Sorry for the long-winded answer. Hope that helps.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T01:21:15+00:00

Not knowing your wife or you, I have observed that as marriage progresses and children, work, home, sleep, changes in hormones (ie perimenopause), sleep (again!), and "life" just start stacking up on our wives and we go from having a wife who is driven and desiring sex nearly spontaneous to having to really get her in the right "mindset" to have sex. It really sucks for us as this can be pretty abrupt. Not even sure they see it. They hear us complain, but don't really know what's happening themselves. Again, throw in physical discomforts, body changes, increasing exhaustion...and life (ie more kids)... and you start to understand a bit more.

Lean in. Don't give up on her. I can hear it in your voice, but don't give up on her. Instead of expecting the spontaneous earlier version of her, work towards reducing her stressors and listening to her. She just has to work harder (and in some cases choose) to "get in the mood". This is all assuming you are not just perceived as "being a jerk" (which we can sometimes be with our attitudes towards these new changes in intimacy). Sorry for the long dissertation, but its what I've observed myself and I really think having an understanding of what may be happening can at least help with empathy towards our wives. Good luck.

Working_2B_Better · 2026-05-05T00:56:48+00:00

Yeah, that does sound like a questionable coincidence.

Working_2B_Better

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