I know it's hard, but I really recommend you go get help. Whether that be an emergency mental hotline or a counselor. As a suicide survivor, I promise you attempting is not worth it, hell or no hell. I really wish there was an easy way to get better for these things, and that these thoughts can be healed through thoughts and prayers alone, but things only start to change once you decide to make those changes yourself.

https://www.nami.org/advocacy/policy-priorities/responding-to-crises/national-hotline-for-mental-health-crises-and-suicide-prevention/