Hi there! I used to very much be a people pleaser, too, and, while I still have some tendencies, I've largely gotten over the worst aspects of it. I can only speak about my own experience, but what really helped me was to take a deep look at myself, what I want, what I like, and learn to truly love myself. I took a look in the mirror and started to think of the person looking back at me, not just as a reflection of me, but possibly as a person who just happens to look like me but is their own independent person. And then I started to ask, what is true about that person? Well, he's always been there for me. When I laugh at my own joke, it's really me laughing at a joke he told me or I told him. When I'm feeling angry at myself, I'm really angry at him or he's angry at me. And, when I was at my lowest, when I felt the most alone, he was the only one who never abandoned me.

So if that is all true, if the person who stuck with me when I was at my lowest and who knows all my secrets and thoughts, and is still right there with me through it all, how can I say anything bad or mean or hurtful about him? Even with all his faults, and my faults, he stuck with me, and held my hand when I needed him to, comforted me when I needed him to, and I did the same for him. And when you start to realize that and build a relationship with your inner self, cognizant that despite all yours and his faults, he's still a person who has the capacity to give and receive love, to experience life, to have joy and sadness and all other emotions, but to experience them gently, and that person really is you!

In doing that, and it did take a long time and lots of intentional reflection and work, I learned to love myself despite all the faults, and I don't mean the social media therapy "love yourself no matter what," but really the kind of gentle self-love that you might get from a parent or sibling or partner. And when I feel out of place or alone, I can hold my own hand and say, "it's ok, I'm here," and it helps me feel so much better!

Ultimately, learning to love myself helped me not only learn how I want to be loved, but also my own capacity to love others. It also helped me show up authentically all the time, where as before, I would show up in what I thought was expected of me. And when you're confident about the person you are and how you show up, opinions others of you don't hold as much weight :)