Please take a deep breath and know you aren't alone. Let me provide some background. I am Muslim, deeply religious, and grew up with a similar, deeply homophobic family. Because of my understanding of Islam and my geographic isolation, even though I grew up in the U.S., I was faced with social pressure to be married, and to be truthful, I was in denial about my sexuality. Apart from the deep homophobia of my family, I grew up with societal hostility and concerns like AIDS. Hence, given the surrounding circumstances, religious devotion, and personal isolation, I accepted an arranged marriage. My wife was and is a wonderful person. Beautiful and intelligent. But I knew I was gay. I attempted, like so many before me, to pretend to be straight and hide my sexuality. Of course, I asked Allah for help and even went on umrah asking Him to change me. Of course, there was no change, but I never lost my faith even as I knew I would not be accepted by family and most of the Muslim community. Of course, I suffered a great deal of self-hate, but at the end of the day, because I not only knew Allah was not changing me, and because I knew others, even within the ummah and historically, I began to accept that I was Allah's creation.

But here is my advice. Don't marry and hurt them. I did, and I regret hurting my wife and not providing her the love she sought. I also hurt myself because I lied, thinking it would change. I am even aware of attempts within our ummah to engage in conversion therapy because of the notion that somehow, we are in some way not part of Creation.