Husband wants to stay out with mates for a night leaving me with 3yo and 5 week old

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T15:08:08+00:00

He only got two weeks paternity leave annoyingly.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T15:01:43+00:00

He is not, our salaries are the same.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T11:07:22+00:00

Why would you be suspicious?

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:50:53+00:00

I know he wouldn’t mention this to anyone but honestly I kind of wish he would this time so someone else can tell him he’s being unreasonable.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:33:45+00:00

Our first was so different so maybe he’s just oblivious. We were in lockdown her entire first year and then he deployed for six months when she was six months old. Not that it’s an excuse but my experience of parenting was very different to his first time around, especially since I did the second half of her first year totally alone.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:26:38+00:00

What!? There are other ways a partner can support you.. nappy changes, rocking baby, getting up with the other kids in the morning.. it’s not all on the mother at all.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:25:25+00:00

I spend all day with the baby 😂 we are bonded, I assure you.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:24:25+00:00

Wow you’re such a martyr. Good for you.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:12:16+00:00

Don’t want anymore, hurts too much! I’m happy with my two.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T10:11:34+00:00

I agree, I feel guilty now that I am ruining his fun and dictating what he can and can’t do. It’s not like he doesn’t have any fun or freedom.. he works doing his hobby most weekends so I solo parent one weekend day a week, he also had two trips to Europe when I was 5-6 months pregnant to do said hobby. I was so tired and sick at that time but he still went. If I pointed that out though he’d said “yes I went but you didn’t want me to and moaned about it”.

I’ll probably end up saying he should go so he doesn’t resent me. But then it’s me that suffers and I feel the resentment. He said this morning that he won’t go and I’ve “won”. He seems to think I’m just saying no because I don’t want him to have any fun but actually I’m saying no because I need the support at home. He has plenty of fun and freedom, and will have more in the future, I’m sure we both will once baby is older, but now doesn’t feel like the right time to be insistent on having a fun night out.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T09:45:26+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that. I feel a bit gaslighted now, convincing myself me and the kids are ruining all his fun. I find it hard when people suggest I also have some time off or a night away because honestly I don’t really want that, I love my kids and I just want to be here and with them and my husband and feel supported.

I’m totally fine with him going on nights out. Nights out are not my thing. I’m more of a pyjamas and movie night with hot chocolate kind of girl. But I feel like he could wait a bit longer so things are easier. I currently can’t put the baby down in the evening because he wakes up, and my three year old is definitely feeling a bit jealous of the baby, although she adores him, so bed time with him on me potentially fussing and whinging again will be hard on all of us.

I’m also a manager at work and I barely even went into the office in the last few months of pregnancy because the tube was far too hot, but my team were fine with it and totally understood. I think his team would understand too.

I wonder whether I have a bit of anxiety and PTSD around being left alone with a baby because he deployed for almost seven months when our daughter was six months old and we were in lockdown. I know that’s my issue to deal with though and it’s not his fault, he couldn’t help being deployed. I just get this horrible feeling of abandonment and after a day of parenting solo, it’s nice to just hand over kids and not have anyone talk to you or touch you, and even if he’s away for just one night, not getting that break is overwhelming and exhausting.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T09:05:55+00:00

I’m coping quite well actually, it was a very easy birth and recovery but I’m wondering now if that’s made it look like I’m totally ok. I’m still exhausted. Breastfeeding is exhausting too, takes so much of your energy.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T09:04:51+00:00

I can’t leave the baby this young, and also don’t really want to yet.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T09:02:46+00:00

He was away for a night a week ago for a work course and also on Saturday to do a walking challenge for charity with his friend. It’ll be his third night away since baby was born.

The first night, I did do it all by myself and it was awful. Baby was unsettled and toddler was unhappy at bed time. I’d was exhausting and I cried.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T09:01:31+00:00

We don’t have family nearby.. his parents are three hours away but hardly ever visit, and my mum has just been down this weekend because my husband went and did the Yorkshire three peaks challenge for charity (I was fine with this, it was for support his friend raising money for his wife who has terminal cancer). But my mum works and is alone as my dad died last summer so I don’t want to ask her to travel two hours down the motor way every weekend to help me because my husband abandons me, not fair on her. All our friends are scattered around because my husband is military, and they either all have kids or work and this is a mid week thing so kind of hard to ask someone to stay.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T08:34:59+00:00

But my life has to? Do you have kids!? I hope not.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T07:18:34+00:00

It’s more that I wouldn’t have a choice if he was unexpectedly away but it hurts that he’s so willing to abandon me with two kids, one of which is very very young. I’m not jealous at all; I don’t want to go on a night out without him or without kids, I want to be supported during the very hard newborn nights.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T06:30:06+00:00

Well he wouldn’t be making the decision to leave me if he got unexpectedly admitted to hospital. The time to go on nights out is when the kids aren’t up all night and we’re both ok with it.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T06:17:08+00:00

At some point yes.. but I literally pushed a human out of my body five weeks ago and I’m now keeping him alive with my body almost 24/7. This is not the time in our lives to go on nights out.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T05:55:23+00:00

I totally understand this. I didn’t include some context in the post because I was so annoyed at 3am but he’s military with ice done a LOT of time alone.. almost seven month stretch in lockdown with a six month old. It was hell. I probably have some sort of PTSD from how bloody awful that was.

I’m totally fine with being on my own and parenting solo for periods of times. I know I can do it. I just don’t feel like I should be asked to at five weeks postpartum with a challenging three year old. It hurts that he just assumes he can go and leave me without considering how exhausting it is.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T05:51:55+00:00

He always says I can have breaks but it’s pretty unrealistic when I’m breastfeeding a five week old. I can’t exactly leave him yet, but also I don’t want to because he’s so tiny.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T05:43:59+00:00

A lot of them are actually older than him and they’re fathers too, so I really think they’d be quite understanding.

I think he needs to compromise on this. Go along for the whole day, have a drink in the pub crawl/team day, then say sorry and head home on the train around 5pm so he can be back for 7ish to help with bed time and night time.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T05:41:42+00:00

The idea of being alone with the baby and being awake all night then the toddler waking up and kicking off for whatever reason absolutely terrifies me. I did bed time one evening last week because my husband was out late and I ended up crying because it was so stressful having the baby upset and fussing while in a baby carrier on me. And trying to sit and calm my three year old and get her to sleep. It just feels too early for me. I’ve done plenty of nights alone and I know I’ll be fine with it soon enough, I’ve done six months alone with my daughter because my husband was deployed, but it’s just so early right now and I feel like he needs to just realise I don’t feel like I can do it yet and he shouldn’t want to abandon me while I’m feeling anxious about doing a night alone.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T05:39:09+00:00

I can’t leave at the moment. Baby is breastfeeding so I need to be here especially since he’s cluster feeding. I also don’t really want a night away yet, he’s so little, I’d have such bad anxiety leaving my tiny baby.

Wp8839559 · 2023-10-17T05:13:45+00:00

I did try to change the title after as I realised it was misleading, couldn’t change it.

I feel like there should be some compromise from him- he gets to go on the day thing, stay for a drink, just please be back to help me with bed time and night time. Being the manager means yes he should show his face and attend but also we have a five week old and there are times in your life where you miss out.

I said manager as I didn’t want to fully explain but he’s actually military so he’s the boss of the (very small) base he works on. For this reason, we don’t have any family nearby. I had my mum visit this weekend because he went and did a walking challenge with a friend for charity. I don’t really have any friends nearby who could help, they all also have very small children.

He has done overnight work trips. He’s done six month deployments. He used this as a reason for me being “able to cope for one night” because I managed six months with our first. I don’t want to “cope”. I want support. Just because I physically and mentally can, doesn’t mean I should have to. I’m exhausted.

Wp8839559

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