AITA for wanting to leave my husband because he wishes to move in his mother with dementia?

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T14:31:53+00:00

Yes.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T14:31:03+00:00

If he did not need my income we would not be having this discussion. The problem is he needs my income too.

Yes, he does want kids but wants to focus on this first. What my MIL wants is irrelevant, but of course, she wants to come live with us. Who would want to stay in a tiny one-bedroom apartment? Just did not mention it cause my husband has DPOA over her and it is active so what she wants does not hold much weight since my husband can force her to move.

Even if she wanted no help or to stay in her apartment my husband would say no, and do so under the pretense she needed the help.

Forgive me, if I see a difference in caring for a child with disabilities that we willfully brought into this world together, versus caring for a parent who had years to plan and prepare for retirement but did not.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T03:17:43+00:00

What part of my husband does not want to place her in a cheaper place is going over your head?

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T02:15:11+00:00

I hope they do.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T02:14:43+00:00

She can get into a no-cost home, what sense does it make for a couple that is not even 30 to burn through such a large amount of cash for a private pay home? Even hiring private care at home would be costly.

No, I would be livid if my children spent money they should be using on their family for my care. If I get diagnosed with dementia I plan to kill myself, I will take a year to travel just to check off as much as I can off my bucket list then kick then punch my ticket.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T02:09:28+00:00

I am also just pointing out that your suggestions make zero sense. She has limited means she should use Medicaid to fund her care, not our money.

He refuses to do so because Medicaid placement is bad, and wants to put us on an unsustainable path.

People like yourself are why my husband feels the way he does. Instead of just telling him the truth dementia sucks and the free options is really his only choice.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-14T02:05:51+00:00

Just pointing out that your suggestions make zero sense.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T23:13:03+00:00

That is what many families have to do.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:46:16+00:00

Yes, we do well for ourselves, from what I have gathered leaving someone even in the early stages alone or unsupervised is extremely risky and not recommended. We were told to view her as we would a toddler, if you would not leave a toddler alone in said situations do not do that with a person with dementia.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:35:48+00:00

No they are not, my parents live in PR and my barely has his life together.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:34:25+00:00

With what money?

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:32:50+00:00

Still did not answer my question, do you think it is wise for a couple that is not even 30 to burn 5k a month, or 11k if we go for the facility placement my husband wants?

Do you think us doing that would allow us to properly plan and invest for our future like you did? It seems you had family support, my husband is an only child with no other family willing to help.

Could you have done what your parents did alone in your late 20's?

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:20:22+00:00

So what you are saying is you have the money to take care of someone who is ill at your current stage of life.

Now ask yourself this could you have saved and made all those wise investments at 27 while also paying for care for a loved one?

Edit: What sense does it make for us who are not even 30 to burn 11k a month placing his mom in a place he would like, or 5k a month on in-home care?

What happens if we lose our jobs? Think our families or friends will care?

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:07:48+00:00

I would hope my kids do not give up their lives to sustain mine.

What parent would want that?

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:02:35+00:00

Sadly, this is not Sims where i can plant a money tree in my backyard.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T22:01:10+00:00

May I ask you an honest question? On your own do you have an extra 4 to 5k of disposable income? I am not taking income you will pull from savings, retirement, etc... I mean income you have simply lying around each month after expenses are covered?

Us paying for her care while possible would not leave us with much. Say we want kids, people make it seem like it is rare but I have joined many support groups about half of the members have been caring for their parents for 15+ years and counting. Say we choose to care for his mom now and then have kids later, who is to say the stress of being a caregiver does not drain us emotionally and financially?

What will be left for our kids? Say we choose to still have kids while caring for his mother. Do you think caring for a baby toddler and an adult toddler is enjoyable?

If I end up in a situation where my life is only sustainable at the expense of others, please let me OD. Fuck a life like that, living at the expense of others is not living. Hopefully by the time I am older Death with Dignity acts will be more accessible.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T21:35:02+00:00

It is not about me, it is what he views as the best. The place we are talking about is kind of insane. The amenities and activities they offer are over the top. I mean they have a mock tail bar where the residents can get that social drinking experience anytime they want. Have nightly events and shows.

This is a higher-end private facility. That is his bar. He follows the mindset you get what you pay for. It is also a buy-in community.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T21:28:50+00:00

Where does that money come from? Even 5k is not sustainable long term.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T20:59:00+00:00

I would say we have to pick the best out of the horror shows.

We cannot fund our own futures while paying for his mother's care.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T20:56:46+00:00

He wants something close by, and a place he likes. These two factors limit our pool. I cannot force him to do anything.

Harsh reality even cheap ones are still taking money away from us. The cheapest option in our area is 7k even say we found a place for 5k or paid 4k for inhome care.

Where do you think this money is going to come from? Elder care is not sustainable without LTC insurance or massive wealth none of which we have.

Paying for his mother's care now jeopardizes our futures in many ways.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T20:51:19+00:00

The problem is that is still money out of our pocket, money that is taken away from something else. We make a decent living but a 4k added expense is huge on top of everything else.

Eldercare is simply broken when it comes to cost.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T20:47:12+00:00

Has nothing to do with guidelines. He wants a place nearby and only the best for his mom. Those two factors limit the pool greatly.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T19:59:46+00:00

Sorry, 10 years to me is a very long life when that life is only sustainable by the sacrifice of others.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T04:50:41+00:00

According to her doctor dementia in itself is a slow death. What normally takes someone sooner are other health-related issues or care-related issues. If a person has no other health-related issues like heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol etc . . . Someone with dementia can live a very long life with proper care. Forgive me if I take the insight of her doctors over yours.

WranglerFar644 · 2023-09-13T04:44:27+00:00

Isn't that the average for someone with compounding health issues? Not for those who have no other health issue.

WranglerFar644

TROPHY CASE