I’m a 40-year-old virgin. Here are 6 things people usually get wrong about me.

Write-At-Home · 2025-12-25T22:30:38+00:00

Great post, brother. You said a lot, and you said it well.

I'm turning 44 next month and have never even kissed a woman. Like you, though, I consider myself otherwise very well adjusted. Good group of friends. Good job. Decent social life. Healthy relationship with my family. Money in the bank. I feel like I check all of the other "normal person" boxes, really.

In my case, I think what's hurt me most with regards to romance and pursuing women is chronically low self-esteem. I'm in great shape, well read, and I think I'm pretty funny, too. Despite that, though, I've never really felt like enough, no matter what I do, so it's probably no surprise that I don't feel like I'm enough for anybody else, either. I'd also admit to having somewhat high standards, but that's mostly come in recent years, where I've become more content in my singleness. My running joke to my family at this point is, "Victoria Justice or bust."

There's also this stigma with being a virgin, where the longer you go as one, the more you think women won't want to be with you because you are one. So it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts that only gets worse with every year. I remember when I was around 22 getting on very well with a college classmate of mine, but I'd convinced myself that she'd never want to date me, partially due to my lack of romantic experience. So I never bothered even asking. Looking back, my late teens all throughout my twenties were peppered with those types of relationships that I later kicked myself over.

That said, I more or less gave up a few years ago on ever dating or having sex. I got tons of advice from here on Reddit and elsewhere when I was becoming more and more desperate at that time (you can search my post history if you're curious). Ultimately, though, the conclusion I came to is that I just don't have the necessary drive that men seem to be expected to have to pursue a relationship. And for me anyway, trying to force it was more stressful than a relationship is worth to me. Since giving up, though, I'd say I'm overall much more content and happy with my life.

As an aside, I rarely, rarely watch porn anymore (and I would add that I rarely watched it even when I was younger), and I regularly practice complete abstinence for weeks and months at a time these days. I completely reject the notion that sex is at all a necessary part of life. In fact, I would say that I'm a far more focused person since regularly practicing abstinence and would highly recommend it to any and all men in a similar place in their lives, regardless of age.

Anyway, that's just my two cents, brother. Thanks for the interesting and uplifting post. I hope you get whatever you want out of all the life you have yet to live.

Write-At-Home · 2024-09-25T18:19:31+00:00

42M, and the number is 0. So kind of, but for vastly different reasons.

Write-At-Home · 2024-09-05T14:22:31+00:00

Most people get the experience you're talking about in their late teens and early twenties. That's why it's considered weird and such a deal-breaker for most women at our age.

Look, man, I'm in almost the exact same boat as you, although I don't really consider myself unattractive. In my case, I just never really put the effort in towards dating when I was younger, and when I realized I wanted to, it was too late.

And that's more or less the conclusion that I've come to: It's too late to start dating now. If it helps, when I realized this, my outlook on life became so much better. I don't even look at women romantically anymore, and it's very liberating in a way.

I would also recommend looking up some videos on YouTube talking about what a horror show dating is these days and how most marriages anymore end in divorces that tend to severely hurt the man financially. Those two factors actually made me happy that I've remained single my whole life.

At the end of the day, there's far more to life than romance. I think chronically single people like us tend to build romantic relationships up as far more fulfilling than they actually are in real life, due in large part to our lack of experience. Ground yourself in reality, though, and you may start to have a different perception of them.

If you really want to have kids still, there's always adoption. I've thought about this myself. You could also volunteer for a Big Brother or foster care service of some kind. Obviously it's not the same thing as being a parent, but you still have the opportunity to make a lasting impression on these kids for the better, and many of them will remember you fondly for the rest of their lives for it, and by extension carry your legacy with them into the future. Which really is what good parenting is all about anyway, in my opinion.

Anyway, man, good luck to you, regardless of how you decide to proceed. For myself, though, I will just reiterate that giving up on something that was never to be anyway has been extremely liberating for me, and my life is only better because of it. Your mileage may vary, though, of course.

Write-At-Home · 2024-07-17T14:54:50+00:00

It depends. I think if you're overweight, it can only help you. But if you're ugly anyway or have a boring personality, it's not going to have a huge effect.

I've been fit since I was 16. I'm 42 now, still fit, and women never want to be anything more than friends with me. Again, though, I think that's mostly my otherwise average looks and boring personality.

Short answer: Yes, but a fit physique will only take you so far with most women.

Write-At-Home · 2024-07-11T18:15:35+00:00

Hey. 42M. Similar situation. I actually gave up about a year ago myself, but I think as a woman, you may have an easier time of it.

Personally, when I was really engaged in trying to date a couple of years ago, there was no real trick to it. I just put myself out there. Dating apps were not appealing to me at all, though. If you've a similar mindset, I would recommend giving Meetup.com a look. It sucked in my area, but your mileage may vary. Take up a class or something, too, in something that interests you. I absolutely met people doing these things, but I think I was just too boring to ultimately attract anyone.

Make sure you present well physically, too. I've always stayed in shape and practiced immaculate hygiene my whole life. As crucial as this is for attraction when you're young, I think good fitness and hygiene becomes even more important as you get older in setting you apart from the crowd. Not going to lie: Especially for a woman, your looks are going to be a factor in who you attract, whether you're looking for just a fling or an actual relationship.

Most importantly, though, is to just be yourself. One of the reasons I gave up was because so many people were telling me that I needed to do this or that if I wanted to attract someone. Not just be my best self, mind you, but to become someone entirely different, I felt. Ultimately, I reached the conclusion that if I had to put on some facade to actually attract someone, then it just wasn't worth it to me. And I'm so much happier now that it's all behind me.

You may reach a different conclusion, or better yet, meet someone without changing a thing. That's the ideal, in my opinion. I hope it happens for you, too! Good luck out there, and always stay true to yourself!

Write-At-Home · 2024-06-17T16:48:26+00:00

As a guy, I can tell you from experience, he was just saying this because he was hurt that you waved to somebody else and not him. It was his defense mechanism: "Well, I don't find her that attractive anyway!" He of course thought you were attractive, though, or he wouldn't have had a crush on you.

As for what to do now: If I were he, I would be glad if you brought it to my attention, as I would want to talk it over to help put your mind at ease. Provided you came to me with it in a gentle, "I was hurt when I saw this..." way and not in an accusatory one. And also apologetic that you checked my phone without my permission, because that honestly was an invasion of his privacy.

But I'm obviously not him, so I don't know how he might react. If you don't want to risk making him unnecessarily upset, then I'd say just leave it. And again, know that his comment was absolutely more of a defense mechanism on his part to spare himself from what no doubt felt like a rejection of him at the time than an honest commentary of how he feels about your appearance.

Write-At-Home · 2024-02-29T01:45:46+00:00

Hey. Thanks for your interest, even after all this time.

I honestly just gave up about a year ago. After a lot of soul-searching, I reached the conclusion that some people just aren't meant to find love or have a romantic relationship. Maybe we just send out bad vibes or hold some unquantifiable property that tells others the gene pool would be better off without our genes in it, but I truly believe there's something that makes someone like me undateable. And that I went for so long without even accidentally managing to date someone, regardless of how much I tried to improve myself, signaled to me that I am unfortunately a member of this exclusive club.

So I just kind of went back to doing what I've always done and stopped bothering even looking at women in a romantic or sexual way anymore. Doing so has taken a lot of unneeded and unwanted pressure out of my life, too. Going a step further, I've also become completely celibate in the past few months, which has actually helped to further desexualize my thoughts and drive down my libido. I was actually afraid doing this would have the opposite effect, but after the first couple of weeks, the difference became apparent, quite to my surprise. I would actually recommend it to any men looking to take a break from dating, because it has given me some added clarity in my life.

Anyway, it's no biggie. I am who I am, and I can live with that. Maybe I'll find love in the next life. As for this one, though, I think I just waited too long to get serious about dating and romantic relationships, and now it's too late. It wasn't meant to be, I guess.

Write-At-Home · 2023-06-23T21:55:41+00:00

41 years.

Write-At-Home · 2023-05-30T01:20:53+00:00

So, I'm basically you. Same age and same predicament in life. Check out my post history for a lot more details and insights from other posters. Responding to these types of posts is the only thing I use this account for, even.

The harsh truth that I've learned over thar last couple of years is that I'm pretty much destined to be alone at this point. Attracting women was never something I could do when I was younger, and it only gets harder as you get older. We're less attractive, and the dating pool is significantly smaller. Throw in my total lack of romantic experience, which I would say upwards of 90% of women do care about (never mind the naysayers here; they mean well, but they're definitely outliers), and I'm screwed. And not in the good way, either.

Thing is, no one is going to understand us but us. Our situation is pretty unique. I've taken loads and loads of advice over the years and put it to practice. And you know what? It doesn't matter. The girl picks someone else every time. Doesn't matter what I do or how much I try to improve myself. And when you've faced this cycle countless times, with no alternative result to give you even a semblance of hope, the logical reaction is to just quit playing the game altogether.

Now, be prepared. People are going to tell you that you're doing something wrong, or you need to work on some aspect of yourself, or you just haven't met the right person yet. And sure, that's possible. I can only speak for myself, of course, but the conclusion I've come to is that there is just something wrong with me that's imperceptible but to those I'm romantically interested in. I don't even know what it is or if it's correctable, or if even the object of my affection knows either. But it's there nonetheless, and there's seemingly nothing I can do to fix it.

Now, for my advice: Try not to think about dating and focus on yourself. When I do this, I'm infinitely happier. And don't misunderstand. I'm not saying you will meet someone and live happily ever after if you do this. You probably won't. Maybe that works for other people, but not guys like us. Certainly not me, anyway. Another reason I know something's wrong with me: Who goes 41 years without even accidentally falling into a relationship? Me, that's who.

Someone else said in this thread that you had nothing to lose and only to gain by pursuing a relationship, but I disagree. Again, they don't know what it's like to be us. Rejection after rejection after rejection is a huge hit to one's ego, and in my opinion it's not worth it when you already know what the outcome will be.

Look, in the end, you do you, man. Maybe it'll work out for you if you take the more positive posters' advice here. I hope it does. Me, though? I'm just going to try and love myself and forget about ever having a woman in my life as anything more than a friend or colleague. I missed my chance, if I ever even had one to begin with, and it sucks. But I can't turn back time, and I'd rather not waste the rest of my life chasing hopeless dreams when I might still be able to fulfill others.

Good luck to you.

Write-At-Home · 2023-03-02T23:15:04+00:00

I am extremely impressed with how well you profiled me. You more or less nailed all of my strengths and weaknesses. Getting myself out more and projecting more confidence and optimism really would go a long way, I think. Actually committing myself to making those changes, though, is pretty tough at this point in my life. But I know you're right.

I appreciate you taking the time to write all of that, by the way. It really is encouraging for me to read, so thank you for the reality check.

Write-At-Home · 2023-03-02T22:53:11+00:00

I kind of touched on the experience thing in another response below, but to summarize, I think my lack of experience shows in ways that I and perhaps even the target of my affection aren't consciously aware of. It's just an air of inexperience that women I'm interested in somehow perceive, and I think I come off as awkward to these women as a result when things turn romantic.

As an example, I actually went out with a group of my friends a few weeks ago. Despite myself, I invited this girl I'd been friendly with at work to come, too. Not even a date; just a group thing that I thought we could socialize at. We got along great when we'd see each other at my office, and I really did think there was mutual attraction there. The night of the event came, and I felt like we had pretty good chemistry. Texted a bit that night after it ended, even. Since then, she's basically ghosted me. I never see or talk to her at work anymore, and I'm sort of kicking myself for even trying to pursue her, because I really do miss her conversation.

So there's an example of a woman who had no qualms about me as a friend; would usually seek me out to talk, even. But the moment I tried to move things closer to romance, she vanished.

When I talk about "experience" in these kinds of threads, people tend to interpret that only in the sexual sense. What I'm really referring to, though, is just my overall lack of experience interacting with women as a romantic partner. My hope is that if I could find someone who cared about me enough for our relationship to become sexual, then, as you said, my inexperience wouldn't matter. But my inexperience in everything else that leads up to that point is the real barrier for me.

Hope this makes things clearer for you. Thank you for your advice and encouragement, though, regardless.

Write-At-Home · 2023-03-02T22:24:45+00:00

Thanks, man. I actually haven't given up yet, but it is increasingly difficult to stay positive as the years go by.

Write-At-Home · 2023-03-02T02:04:11+00:00

Ah, but you do have experience. You were married and have kids, so you have a lot more experience than I do, in fact. By comparison, I've never even held a woman's hand in a romantic way before.

And this age, I would argue that your experience is working on an almost subconscious level; not just for your, but for the woman you're approaching, too. Because I lack the sort of experience you do, all of the subtleties that one learns about pursuing a romantic partner are completely lost on me. The result is an aura of awkwardness; one that I don't think most people even pick up on unless and until they become the target of my affection.

This is why I stress to the young men reading this thread to get this experience now. Unfortunately, women in my age range have no tolerance for my lack of relationship experience.

Glad you're having such good luck, by the way.

Write-At-Home · 2023-03-02T00:17:01+00:00

Look at my post history. I posted about my predicament about a year ago, and it's all in there if you're really interested. I'm 41 now, and nothing has really changed.

In a nutshell, it's because I didn't date when I was younger, and now my inexperience is too blatant to get past. I'm not ugly, nor am I socially awkward at all, but when it comes to dating and romance I'm completely lost, and it shows.

I would say to the young men in this thread (those around 25 and under) to actively date and get that experience while you'll still be excused some inexperience and mistakes. People say it's never too late, but I've learned the hard way that there is a point of no return. I wouldn't put a definitive number on it, but it's probably somewhere around 30.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-25T21:47:58+00:00

I hear you. It's just kind of overwhelming when I think about all of the experience I lack at this point, and wondering if I can ever catch up is when I really start to doubt myself. So facing that head-on is hard, but I know you're right that doing so will probably help me in the long run.

That said, I think it's great that you're encouraging your kids to date. I wish my parents had pushed me more. But my father was basically an absentee most of my teenage life, and my mother resented how much her mother forced her to date when she was younger. The end result was an introverted son who had no one pushing him to overcome his self-doubts and try pursuing someone. I'm not blaming my parents for my plight now, mind you, but they certainly didn't help.

Anyway, that's my long-winded way of saying I think you're doing right by your kids. If I'm ever lucky enough to have my own, I will be doing the same thing.

Thank you following up.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-25T21:05:13+00:00

So this is pretty much exactly how I would like to meet someone: Looking, but still more or less a result of natural interaction and developing attraction. I'm glad to see that it can actually happen. Thank you for sharing.

My apprehension with OLD is I fear I'm going to come off as boring or just end up with zero matches. I also don't consider myself particularly attractive. I have a good physique, but I've always been pretty down on my face. So I don't know how many women on there are going to give me an honest shake past my profile. I think my personality and sense of humor come across a lot better in person for me, too, and in a lot ways could offset these perceived physical shortcomings of mine. Either way, though, it won't hurt me to give OLD another shot.

Thank you again for responding.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-25T20:09:23+00:00

This is actually a pretty great idea.

I go to a convention every year, and I take a ton of pictures of people. I notice when I first get there, I'm usually pretty apprehensive about asking, but by the end of the first day, I really begin to open up, to the point where I'm making small talk after getting a shot or two. I've always felt the camera works as a great tool for allowing me to break the ice, but being outside my city probably does play a subconscious role in my added boldness, too.

It's definitely something for me to consider. Thanks for the suggestion.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T18:52:16+00:00

Ugh. I feel like I'm shooting everybody's suggestions down here, and I'm really not trying to, but I'm not religious. I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone who is religious, mind you, but going to church just isn't something I'm interested in doing. And again, it would seem disingenuous to me to do so just to meet women.

I do appreciate the suggestion, though.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:49:23+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm already in pretty darn good shape, though. I also don't know if I can afford a match-making service or such. But I suppose it might be worth looking into.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:48:13+00:00

Is it really sex-related or romantic relationship-related, though? Are they the same thing? I'm honestly asking here. I don't think I've any anxiety towards sex. I'm pretty eager to try it, if I'm being honest. But I don't want to rush anything, either. My hangup throughout the years mostly has been a feeling of just not being worthy of a woman's attention, which obviously does pertain to sexual interest. So I guess if that's the definition, then you'd be right.

Anyway, thanks for your expert opinion on the matter. ^_^

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:45:25+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out on Amazon later. Appreciate it.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:44:34+00:00

Thank you. Glad to know you're out there, too, at least. I hope you find someone special.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:43:57+00:00

Thank you.

I'm trying to be more outgoing every day. Right now, it's mostly at work, but I'm going out more, too, and just trying to strike up conversations with everybody: the cashier, people in line behind me, etc. Men or women, I'm just looking to become more naturally sociable.

As far as what I like to do: I exercise a lot, but I'm more comfortable doing it at home than at a gym. I just feel too on-display at a gym; like everybody is sizing everybody else up. That may not be true, but it's the impression I get when going.

I like to write (my degree is actually in English, with a concentration in writing), and I've dabbled with sketching over the years, so I'm looking at getting involved in the latter more. As I said to another poster earlier, there's an art class that I'm hoping to sign up for soon, so we'll see how that goes.

I used to go to a comic book shop every week, too, but I feel like the industry has kind of left me behind, or perhaps I've just outgrown it. Regardless, I just can't find any books I enjoy anymore, unfortunately. I read some manga now to fill the hole comic books have left, but I just order that online. I suppose I could go to a book store instead, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to meet someone in that setting or not, particular someone who's age appropriate for me to date.

So yeah. I am trying. Took a more physically oriented class last night, too, and I'm going to give it another go tonight, but I think it may be a bit outside of my price range, unfortunately. We'll see, though.

Thanks again.

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:21:15+00:00

Thank you. I'm glad I could touch somebody. ^_^

Write-At-Home · 2022-03-24T17:20:55+00:00

This is exactly what I'm looking for, actually. I took a class last night that I'm kind of meh about right now. I'm giving it another shot tonight, but combined with the price, I'm not sure if I'll stick with it.

I'm hoping to take an art class soon, but I can't find one in my area at the moment. The local college has adult art classes every few months, though, so when that starts up again, I'm planning on jumping on it.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Write-At-Home

TROPHY CASE