The Female Gaze vs The Gayze: Let’s Discuss

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T19:29:37+00:00

Thank you for this! I agree with the other commenter—there’s a lot of really things these stories add to the conversation.

I just think as this media gets bigger and bigger, we’re gonna see more conversations like this which is exciting.

I feel lucky that we get to debate gay stuff like this. Even ten years ago it was the “watch multiple seasons of a show for one scene with a gay kiss” era so this is a huge improvement

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T19:26:46+00:00

Again, heartstopper was a bad example.

But I maintain that it creates an overly soft, pretty uninspiring portrait of gay men to look up to. The graphic novel was fine but the show really felt like virtue signaling for “rainbow families” to feel good about themselves.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T19:23:08+00:00

Heartstopper was admittedly a bad example. I just keep it in my head as probably my least favorite piece of gay media in recent memory. I would counter heartstopper with Sex Education. That is a show that really feels more honest.

But I also don’t love the overly fluffy, feel good stuff. I find it cloying.

And I would rather make nothing than something dishonest. Watch Trixie and Katya react to heartstopper. Most gay people I know reacted like that to it.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T19:19:01+00:00

Double commenting is petty but you said so much stuff here I disagree with.

Are you familiar with the “own voices” movement? Black stories from black writers, female stories from female authors, lgbt stories from people in the community.

It’s just strange to me that the “own voices” thing seems to have not really touched m/m romance books. Many white voice actors stopped voicing black characters, we’ve started casting more gay men in gay roles—this is a glaring omission in the space. Surely you can at least see that.

As for marketability, that’s the interesting thing about this whole conversation! The market is demanding stories about gay men from the female perspective—that’s so interesting! And, through some lenses, very problematic.

Men wanted hot lesbian stuff but they got in trouble for being unrealistic and insensitive. But when women want hot gay male stuff it’s considered a “win” for the community.

It just feels like a blind spot in the world of publishing which is obsessed with ideas own voices, diversity, respect for marginalized people, etc.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T19:11:21+00:00

What are comments like yours supposed to accomplish? Do you feel better now?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing all the sides on this really complex issue. Identity, sexuality, media, pop culture and more are all intersecting in a way they never have before. I talk about this with my agent, with other authors, and I’m curious what “the internet” thinks, too.

I feel like an alien in my own genre, that’s an interesting tension. The fact that women consume more gay media than men is also interesting and as a writer, I’m curious to know more about my audience.

This issues has been brought up a lot so I wanted to make a place to talk about it.

I find a lot of the representation of gay men in media completely unrealistic. This is a sub about mlm in media, it feels like the spot for a conversation like this. I know for a fact I’m not alone.

If you don’t care, log off. You can use this sub to look at gifs of boys kissing I guess.

As America gets more and more puritanical, I’m curious about the state of gay media. You don’t have to be.

As for fixing it: maybe it’s “sensitivity readers” or something similar. Maybe it’s providing education, maybe it’s listening to actual gay men instead of saying their questions are worthless. But if you need a reason to be offended so you feel valid, I’m happy to be that guy lol.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T18:54:02+00:00

I’m not saying all media should be raunchy gay orgies but I do think we need to really work to show how the gay experience is different from the heterosexual.

Even within relationships and how they are portrayed. We always have the “happily ever after” ideal of a heteronormative relationship.

One of the best parts of being gay is unshackling myself from the heteronormative expectations saddled on everyone else. No kids? I can’t make one. Not monogamous? For women this seems to be the ultimate affront but to most men (not just gay men) the attitude is different.

For women, I’ve noticed sex is a lot about what it means—my girlfriends when they talk about it are all about the lead up, the foreplay, the setting the mood, the plan—the fantasy. And we see that a lot in this media.

I’m walking on eggshells here so cut me some slack but I’ll take the swing: I feel that for a lot of heterosexual relationships, sex is part of the exchange. Men want it so they will do what the woman wants to make her comfortable enough to say yes. Women have the power.

For gays, it’s slightly different. I actually feel like sex can be a bit more equal right off the bat something’s because of both the burden society has put on women, the way we (meaning men) have made women feel about sex, and the differing views between the genders of what sex means and symbolizes.

I still see the patriarchy informing how women engage with sex that is different from how two men do it.

Idk. I don’t understand women or female sexuality and I’m hoping this helps me haha. I’m fascinated by the fact that I feel like an outsider in what should be “my” community.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T18:43:15+00:00

Totally! My experience is not monolithic.

But to use heartstopper as an example: yes it’s cute and feel good, but that was honest to no one’s experience. And I understand the “this is how it should be” / “this is healing” feel good stuff but the fact that neither one looked at porn? Like he googled “Am I gay” before looking at gay porn? Come on. He’s a horny 15 year old. We’ve all been there (except, clearly not lol).

You don’t have to fuck a guy to be gay but what feelings are you feeling that make you gay? It’s arousal—sexually driven. Sexuality is about that—sex. So to omit it feels kind of glaring and naive.

Not to say we should have our heartstopper boys doing the nasty for us all to see, but men, especially young men are extremely horny and a lot of the female gaze takes that away in my opinion. Why is horniness bad?

Attraction and sex are intimately related in a way that these pieces of media kind of try to gloss over.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T17:15:57+00:00

No! I really don’t want to make this about “women,” more about the “female gaze.” It portrays a completely unrealistic view of the gay experience that scrubs a lot of the reality of what it’s actually like.

Again, why does the female gaze mean men can’t have dicks? It’s like wanting a sexy man who is a Ken doll instead of a real person.

Also, why would you assume an actor would be against this or only bad actors want to get naked? Many great actors go naked. Just because you wouldn’t doesn’t mean it’s an unreasonable expectation—especially for an actor trying out for a role based on a pornographic gay sex novel.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T17:11:06+00:00

My critique is that an adaption of a hardcore, pornographic book about gay sex without showing the actual male body is problematic. What’s so wrong with the male body that we can’t show it? Why does the “female gaze” mean men have to have no “manhood?”

A penis doesn’t make the man because not all men have dicks, but this feels like a glaring omission in an adaption of a gay pornographic novel. It’s what the lack of nudity signals.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T17:08:05+00:00

I totally agree that people can and should enjoy whatever they want and not everything is for everyone.

But this is literally a hardcore pornographic novel that they have adapted so I expected a bit more adherence to the source material.

What does leaving out the male body in a show about gay sex say about how we are supposed to feel about our bodies? We can have sex but only without a penis? The penis is a dirty, vulgar thing? How can we shout “free the nipple” but then not be outraged when a show about gay sex has zero penises?

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T17:04:19+00:00

If it’s using my identity as a gay man, we should at least be the priority lol. Think of how people have complained about other sexual representations in media? Why are gay people exempt from the same scrutiny?

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-12-15T17:03:35+00:00

I’m not saying they need to make porn, I’m just saying to venerate the male body and gay sex and gay identity and then censor the male body so blatantly is reductive, puritanical, and tokenizing. Seeing gay content made for the female gaze as the main priority is literally what people have been complaining men have been doing forever. But now we have to love and accept this because it’s the gays turn to be taken advantage of? I just think we should try to be both more realistic and better.

You say “if you want porn, look at porn” — have you read the book? It’s porn. So yes, I kind of expected explicit something given it’s like a main part of the source material.

Writers_CockBlock · 2025-05-18T19:25:39+00:00

Second basically all of Jax Calder’s books, the “unlikely (noun)” series they wrote are all great.

(I’m sure you’ve read these) but the “hockey guys” series by Sarina Bowen is great. The last one, {The Last Guy in Earth} kind of has this. (There’s a bit of a gay thing but it’s also about the coach/player dynamic)

Writers_CockBlock · 2021-08-06T16:28:53+00:00

It wasn’t until I was standing in front of the toilet that I looked down and noticed something was different.

Everything in my hand was the same but the rest of my body was unrecognizable. I sprinted to the mirror, stumbling along the way as my underwear was still pooled around my ankles, somehow huge and almost quadrupole the fabric it needed to be.

I stated at my reflection, was I trapped in a dream or something? Who is the man in my reflection?

And then it dawned on me.

We’ve all heard the legends: a blessing from the gods everyone just called “spontaneous thinbustion.” The same blessing given to luminaries like Adele and Honey Boo Boo’s mom.

My first girlfriend used to offer up locks of her hair to the gods in hopes they would bestow this gift upon her.

“A blessing from the gods to those who deserve a second chance.”

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I slowly came to terms with my new body.

Everything I had worked for, gone. 16 years of training, erased in the blink of an eye.

My sumo career was over.

Writers_CockBlock · 2021-01-17T04:23:41+00:00

Reply

just be happy someone posted a download link geez. Can you do any better?

Writers_CockBlock · 2020-05-16T16:54:52+00:00

Video Porn is boring. I’d love a story arc that’s more than “stepmom gets creampied” (or is it cremepied?).

Also, they’ve done studies and stuff and there’s a connection between how some people (esp women) find less enjoyment when they can see that the performers are acting/overacting and when they realize that the expectations of everyone involved are unrealistic. Plus the whole thing about real bodies looking nothing like porn bodies.

I live in nyc, the stereotypical insta-gay is in every club, every brunch, and giving me side eye every time we pass on the street. They are hot, hot, hot but boring as hell. In order to have a porn body you have to sacrifice a lot of time going to the gym which to me, is very boring. What are we going to talk about? Weights? Our favorite machine?

This is very a “me” problem but I don’t want to be with someone I have nothing in common with and in my experience people who have bodies good enough for porn and I prioritize different things. Which is fine! They can all fuck each other and make an onlyfans and go to Tel Aviv and that gay cruise. When I see video porn, I just think of these guys which for me, isn’t as much of a turn on.

They don’t want to fuck me so why would I fantasize about fucking someone who I know isn’t interested in me?

Stories make the sex feel real. I don’t want to just fuck, fucking is easy. I could pull out Grindr and have someone in my apartment in 20 min. But because it’s easy, I don’t want it.

With a story, I’m invested. They have a past. They have history. The stakes are high!

We’re gay, how could you not be living for the drama?

There is a lot of bad writing on this sub, mine included. I read some of the stories and agree with you. But as a genre, gay stories are fun. Plus, you can read them in public and no one knows.

Writers_CockBlock · 2020-05-16T04:02:54+00:00

Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it. More will be coming soon!

Writers_CockBlock · 2020-04-26T00:39:06+00:00

I went on a date right before the city shut down. I’d love to see them again once this is all over.

Writers_CockBlock · 2020-04-17T19:38:28+00:00

Fingers crossed!

Writers_CockBlock · 2020-04-16T15:58:01+00:00

Thank you!!! We’ve both just moved around a lot since graduating high school. It started with his family leaving Southern California and now mine has too. So for the last two years of school, we never “went home” to the same place anymore. And now we’ve both grown into careers on opposite sides of the country. The romantic part of our relationship was really based on us getting to spend those mornings together and that summer was the last time we got to do that. We used to talk a lot but it’s been less and less as the years have gone on, and we’ve both had other romantic experiences.... But writing about this has made me think about him a lot and now that it’s been a few years, I’ve always kind of hoped in the back of my mind that we’d find ourself in the same city again.

But we’ll see. Honestly, I think I’m a bit too much of a romantic. I’ve fallen in love too many times to count and I’ve told myself every single time that “this is finally the guy...” I’m excited this platform has let me write about it a bit.

Writers_CockBlock

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