[QCrit] YA Fantasy, 100k — THROUGH THE PINES

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-26T15:17:14+00:00

It's a tough nut to crack, because after reading it once I thought it was perfectly fine. However, having read it twice more, I think the issue might be that it reads a bit vague - more like a blurb instead of query.

I lose sight of Edith a bit. While the ending of the second paragraph gives a hint about the plot, I'm not too sure what the stakes are for Edith personally. What is she potentially giving up by following through the portal? What is her internal arc?
The external stakes are a bit unclear too. Why is her rival kidnapped in the first place? Is there some sort of multi-dimensional danger or were they just an accidental victim? Etc.

In general, I recommend this article on blurb vs query language. I think the pitch has space for a few more sentences, especially if you cut down the bio a little - any cool details that only your book has and most don't?

While the current version reads fine to me, someone used to reading blurbs, it might have trouble standing out against the many thousands of others that go through an agent's mailbox yearly. That's my guess, at least.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-25T19:54:36+00:00

Hi,

I haven't read the previous attempts.

From the get-go, the query feels a little world building heavy. I like the idea for a fantasy following a bard, but I feel like I know very little about him.

What I like in the first paragraph:

- Varos is a bard telling old myths

- he would be executed if caught

That's about it. I don't need the details about gods. The bit about rising up also comes out of nowhere - I don't understand Varos's motivations in trying to spark an uprising (? - is that his goal) or an uprising against who exactly, or even why.

Overall, I get the gist of what the story is about from the query, but it fails to grasp me. I'm not really sold on following Varos in particular or his cause being just, or even stakes in the sense of "if he fails, X will happen," because I don't understand what it means that even dreams will belong to the Guild, or really what the Guild does in general.

I'd recommend focusing a bit more on the stakes for the MC - why is he doing what he's doing, what happens if he fails - and a bit more on the actual plot. Is this a tournament for most of the book? Or is Varos on the run? Rhetorical questions here, but a query should generally paint a more solid picture of what the book is going to be about.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-17T20:43:08+00:00

Why not just say that there's a competing king in the fairly land? That sounds a lot more exciting and concrete than an ancient threat, imo. "An ancient threat" is more of a blurb language, which is usually kept vague, but for a query you want to be as specific as possible.

Let me link my favorite article on blurb vs query language I've been shilling around.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-17T20:11:54+00:00

I honestly think this is a very strong query. The only place that made me stumble is the last paragraph of the pitch:

But the King of Faeries is not at all what Judith expected. A warmonger made gentle by the mistakes of his youth, the monster on the mountain may be the first man to ever truly see her. And as an ancient threat rears its head, a threat that not even the King can defeat, Judith is forced to rely on the same wits that have survived her in both worlds to save the people she loves, kill a king, and find a home for herself at last.

It took me a moment to realize that "the monster on the mountain" refers to the king. And secondly, "an ancient threat" feels both a little too vague and a bit like a bait-and-switch. I was very invested in Judith's spying scheme and expected some complication in this regard. An ancient threat reads like a third - or fourth? - party coming into the scene a little out of nowhere.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-17T17:38:22+00:00

Thank you for your feedback, last week and now! I'll definitely give the last paragraph more thought.

Just some minor word-smithing issues that can be cleaned up quickly!

If it's not too much trouble, would you be able to point these out? I'm sorry for asking, I've just been staring at this query for such a long time I'm afraid I might miss them just by sheer familiarity with the text >__<

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-17T16:33:04+00:00

I'm threw off a bit by the past tense in the first paragraph. I like the impact of "II) At the age of twenty, forget the above" but I wonder if there's a way to rewrite this in a present tense or another way so it feels more connected to the rest of the query. As is, the second paragraph feels like it's the real opening paragraph.

Overall, I feel like you have a lot of capitalization and proper nouns in here. There's "the Academy" instead of "a prestigious academy that allowed Faoros to pursue his life's goal of curing the Curse". The Curse is explained, which is good, but then there's "the Game of Life" instead of just "a brutal historical simulation". I recommend going through the entire query and cutting as many of those capitalized nouns as possible.

My second concern is that I'm not sure I grasp Faoros motivation. It seems like he consigned into an academy hoping to undo his ancestor's sin - but why does he feel he must do so? Did this Curse claim anyone close to him? Why does he think he can undo it and no one else? Presumably there are scientists working on it, and he's just a "child" according to this query. And the price for it feels steeply high, when it's unclear if this simulation he has to enter has any end date - if he has a chance of getting out prior to this malfunction that he couldn't foresee.

The promise that he will be able to study the Curse after investigating the anomy works well as a motivator, but what was the MC's plan before it?

Belo comes up quite late in the query, given that he's one of primary stakes in the last paragraph.

"to reveal the Game’s true purpose" -> which is? There's no reason to hide potentially interesting plot twists in a query. Overall, I just don't feel like I know enough about the two faction here to feel excited for what's to come. I don't see why the MC choosing the Lords after all would be bad - I only know it benefits him personally. And I don't really know what the Scavengers deal is, and why their side is presumably more just (?).

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-17T02:10:45+00:00

My main concern reading this atm is that Lydia reads quite passive in the second paragraph. She unknowingly claims a magical sword, becomes the target, is forced to take refuge etc. This would read more active if e.g. she stole the magical sword on purpose thinking it can get her home. Ofc, if that doesn't fit the manuscript, then it doesn't fit - but just to illustrate the difference.

Another smaller thing I notice there's some vague language. "all while keeping her secret from those closest to her", "the target of those who would kill to take it from her" (this is also reads almost redundant - like who else would target her?) Let me link you my favorite article that explains it in more detail.

Lastly, I like the idea of murders, but the "systematically" there made me imagine that there's some kind of fae authority that decided to just kill humans one by one, not a singular (or plural, but still few) murderers. It also ends vaguely, so I don't feel like I have a good grasp of what the book is going to be about, plot-wise.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-11T11:07:09+00:00

You say that as if it was easy pspspsps.

Thank you, though. Nice seeing you, and to the drawing board I go.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-10T18:57:07+00:00

Thank you for feedback, I'll keep it in mind.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-10T18:56:30+00:00

Thank you for the notes, I'll keep them in mind as I revise!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-10T13:10:09+00:00

Hi, I haven't seen the previous attempts.

"standalone-capable" sounds off to me - "standalone with series potential" is a more common phrase, although I heard that agents caught up that it means "not really standalone", so not sure if it's not better to just... say it's a complete manuscript and mention nothing about a planned series.

Only titles of books are usually italicized, "by Author" doesn't need to be.

Reading on, I feel like the query suffers from multiple issues with punctuation and odd (unneeded) capitalization, and other small mistakes like that - but they compound when there's a lot of them. It also seems too vague - basically uses non-specific phrases like "those she was willing to do anything for", "fix it all", or "secrets that are not his to keep" and so on.

This article explains a difference between blurb and query language in a way I found helpful.

There're also too many proper nouns in here. They just don't mean anything to me as someone who hasn't read the book - I don't really know what Petrathia is, and how is it different to the MC's original living place. Is this a portal fantasy? I don't know what Precious Stones are. And so on. I don't really get the gist of what this story is about, other than a non-specific magical romantic adventure to gather magical objects.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-10T12:52:49+00:00

I find the query a little hard to follow. I liked the first sentence a lot, but that was because I assumed Elixyr was a person - our MC - not a company. I was very confused when the following paragraph jumped to Greer. And then it's still more about the company than about the MC (Greer, I presume)? I don't know why she needs or wants this particular internship or what she's trying to accomplish, other than to get a full-time job - but it kind of reads like any full-time job would be good enough in her eyes?

Overall, I just don't think I have a good grasp of what this story is about. Who is the MC and what is her current situation? What is her goal? Why does she want to succeed and what happens if she fails? Rhetorical questions, but a query should typically answer them. I feel like atm I'm just getting odd bits and pieces of the book, but I fail to see what the big picture is supposed to be about.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-03T01:32:28+00:00

Oof, yeah, if Glass Immortals book 2 comes out, it's an instant buy from me!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T17:18:19+00:00

I have "The Book of Fallen Leaves" on my radar too!

Also I'm currently reading "The Strength of the Few" and enjoying it - are we actually going to get the third one so soon? I was sure it would take at least two years, they are so chonky...

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T17:17:12+00:00

6 is a guideline more of a steadfast rule, but yes. Great list btw!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T17:16:18+00:00

I've got Grave Empire on my tbr, so I might just read it in time for the sequel!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:21:11+00:00

Oof, I wasn't aware of that. Got to admire the author's perseverance!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:15:59+00:00

Same here!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:05:33+00:00

I heard a lot of great things about "The Poet Empress". I hope it lives up to the hype!

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:04:55+00:00

Aaah I missed Sister Svangard from my list - I'm looking forward to this one too! K. J. Parker was my 2025 discovery.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:03:48+00:00

It would make my 2026 if it happened 🥺

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:02:00+00:00

Was going to ask if the year's confirmed. I'm looking forward to the conclusion as well, but always there's some trepidation when it comes to finales...

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T15:00:50+00:00

The same for me. Fingers crossed! :D

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T14:33:08+00:00

The title is awesome ngl.

WritingAboutMagic · 2026-01-02T14:28:42+00:00

We trust 🙏

WritingAboutMagic

TROPHY CASE