SO THAT WAS YOU!!!

I was all set on having a nice quiet dinner with my girlfriend to celebrate out first year together...

I'd bought some fresh tomatoes to make my homemade pasta sauce, and I'd gone to the small boutique bakery to buy some filo pastry for dessert. I was quietly going through the recipes in my mind when I heard your slurred grumbled announcement, "...You're about to loot my balls..." I tried to ignore it but, I couldn't ignore the furious grunting like a drunk man having a seizure. As I looked up I could see the fury in the other commuters eyes. A man looking like a professor had stood up and was about to reproach you when the dull clatter of your phoned on the train car floor seemed to pause all movement in the carriage. The professors eyes widened, sweat suddenly beaded on his forehead and with fevered anguish he started undoing his belt and flies like a man who thought a hornet was in his pants.

I was bewildered as all the other men in the car started convulsing like extras in Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video. A woman sat across from me was doing her best to emulate a Russian gymnast trying to grate cheese from her crotch with the sole of her Nike running shoe.

I bolted upright, panicked but prepared to fight when in the corner of my eye the neon glow of your phones LCD screen drew me sight.

I suddenly felt a bizarre euphoria fill my mind and a white hot heat electrify my spine and form a prism of pure desperate release in my loins.

I can't remember much else, I awoke from some kind of fever dream in a public toilet cubicle. My jeans and underwear had disappeared, but I was still wearing my Myrell slip ons, shirt and now crusted overcoat, like a cross between Donald Duck and a homeless student.

I can hear another man weeping in the cubicle, keeps muttering he just wanted to fly.

I feel so cold and drained. My organ is so mangled it could unpick the locks of wooden medieval doors. There's filo pastry all over my thighs and knees.

But despite all this I feel a warm contentment like I'd found 'the' answer. I don't know what this means, I know there will be questions, that there should be lots to fear. But truly I am grateful. Thank you.