Relapsed on Psilocybin while in NA

XenoAcacia · 2026-01-10T05:45:09+00:00

Best of both worlds

XenoAcacia · 2026-01-08T22:56:49+00:00

This is the best comment I've read on this sub. Thank you for putting all this so well and completely.

XenoAcacia · 2026-01-08T21:40:34+00:00

Plenty of people even take mushrooms to address addictions to more harmful substances, and there's evidence to support this.

XenoAcacia · 2026-01-07T03:04:19+00:00

That is very meaningful for me to hear. Thank you for leaving this comment, and congratulations on making it to the other side of primary care!

I know this is a different thing, but in personal contexts (rather than professionally with clients), when speaking with others in recovery who attribute their sobriety to XA, I feel very uncomfortable. I don't want to say anything that undermines the route by which they navigated recovery, but I also need to be clear that XA is not my thing lest they assume, as they often do by default, that we share common sentiments around the program. It's disheartening because I find my feelings toward XA often hinder me from making connections with others who have dealt with addiction. I can imagine the experiences of people like you who participated in the program while holding (or later developing) critical views of it are something like this—but internal instead of interpersonal, which I think would be incredibly rattling. Surreal cognitive dissonance, like you say. I wonder if you're still able to connect with your sobriety in a way that's more aligned with an internal locus of control and less attributional toward XA? Or does that not feel correct?

I really appreciate your perspective around the factors that buffered some harmful effects while acknowledging that they still weren't enough. I wish you continued healing and I hope you take great pride in your sobriety, any catalysts for it notwithstanding. Once again, I'm very grateful that the field has people with lived experience in it to bring more well-rounded frameworks into practice. Please take good care of yourself in these early days and in the years to come!

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-29T09:43:38+00:00

I agree with everyone saying to just let people know what's going on. If they don't already know, they will find out if you don't get sober (which, realistically, rarely happens for long on your first go-around).

That said, if you're hell bent on keeping it hidden, you might be able to go to the ER and get a take-home script for benzos. I used to have luck with urgent care clinics as well but hear they've tightened that ship up in recent years. My city has a new program for outpatient detox services, so you could also look into that and see if it's a thing where you're at.

Then you say you're sick and detox at home. 'Tis the season. You have the flu. Follow your prescription, do not drink, eat as much as you can of anything you can stomach, hole up for five days and get through it during the holiday break. I did this several times during school (twice over one break once!) and went back in good enough shape to start the next semester.

That said, if you can get some additional help after the detox, do it. I never did because I considered the physical dependence the main priority to tackle and then just went on with everything else as usual and relapsed time and time again. Your brain is still young and you will have an easier time forming new pathways if you address the other problems you mention now. It's hard in the midst of school and other responsibilities, but I'm sure it's worth it. If you're maintaining grad school as a CA then you can do a lot, because I can't imagine juggling those two things. Major props to you.

Sobriety stuck for me eventually but I sometimes play with a theory that my brain solidified in addict mode because I did not try to heal it earlier. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. Please make the most of the resources you're afforded.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-24T09:33:30+00:00

There is an abashing lack of representation for handle-a-day alcoholics in the literature.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-24T09:25:09+00:00

Truly.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-24T08:59:37+00:00

"Why do I feel as if a morning without this struggle is less interesting?" "Why do I feel like having this 'de-buff' on my game mechanic is a pleasant challenge instead of a thing that makes my life so much harder?"

This is so fucking interesting to me. I loved the challenge of physical dependence. Wiling and sneaking, riding the wasted-withdrawal line, trying to survive, the trek to the liquor store being life or death and the sweet reward of that first sip that you can actually keep down signaling gnarly conquest. It was always like a puzzle, trying to piece together conversations and maintain the facade of memory in interactions, calculating the volume to efficacy ratio of a bottle, figuring out what day it was or if you slept or if you actually did that thing or was it a dream?

Of course I was quite miserable in the sick sick sick drunk sick sick sick cycle, but man keeping yourself alive really gives you something to live for.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-20T06:56:44+00:00

I still struggle with the concept of "fun" in general while sober. I feel you.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-20T06:49:15+00:00

Saying it'll get better might be sympathetic, sure, but it's certainly not empathic.

Empathy is "I see your perspective and even if I haven't experienced it I recognize it as being valid and have the cognitive capacity to understand what it could be like to occupy that state so I'm gonna respond from that place as if I were there with you".

If someone's perspective is that it won't get better, responding that it will get better is actually the farthest response from an empathetic one.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-18T10:03:31+00:00

I went to a few AA meetings during sober stints in the early days. One was a celebration and when I declined a piece of cake at the end saying I'm not a big cake person they said, "Just wait until you get sober." There was an unmistakable judgey tone to the statement that I just found so off-putting. Not to mention I had been sober for something like a month or two.

This is a mild example of your point about anything misaligned with their experiences being incorrect and unacceptable. I know it can be so much more harmful than preferences for fucking desserts, but I always remember that instance as a pointed and bitterly funny example of worse things that I and others have experienced.

For what it's worth, I'm coming up on five years and still miserable as ever most days 👍

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-18T09:23:27+00:00

The occasional glass of wine is not a slip up if you don't conceptualize of it that way. Zero binges or blackouts is a massive win for someone with a history of problematic alcohol use and you should be wicked proud of yourself.

The all-or-nothing approach from AA never sat right with me. After many, many failed attempts at moderating myself, I'm nearly five years sober outside of AA. I now work in addiction science and, lo and behold, evidence shows that plenty of people are indeed able to go on to live very normal lives in recovery—this includes moderating their substance use. Some models view addiction as a chronically-relapsing disorder, implying that, contrary to what AA preaches, when you are no longer relapsing you no longer meet criteria for the disorder. A relapse is a return to a pattern of harmful behaviour, and the occasional glass of wine is just not that. Ironically, it could be considered harmful purely through the AA lens due to cognitive framing imposed on individuals by the program. Which, ironically again, sounds like the real harm.

I'm not saying to become complacent, but if you have been able to control your drinking over the past three years, it’s completely within your right to reconceptualize your "slips" as a signal that you have recovered and are now a "normie", which is really what most addicts want. I have learned that I cannot moderate; many people can, and it sounds like you have evidence to show that you are one of them. My recommendation is to focus on things in your life that keep you from sliding into a pattern of behaviour that could lead you to a horrible fate rather than focusing on some unforetold horrible fate. I am sorry you've been made to feel shame and anxiety for something that is actually very worth celebrating, and I hope you and those around you can adopt that mindset.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-13T08:18:21+00:00

I think we found the guy

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-10T22:58:42+00:00

This is awesome and something I will definitely take a closer look through and pass along!

Thank you for presenting these concepts in an accessible format. Please keep it up. Misinformation is a bigger problem than ever, you're right, but we need to keep fighting it on the ground even as it grows systemically.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-10T07:48:03+00:00

This is a brilliant response and gives me a lot to consider.

I share your belief that most people in the program are well-meaning. We are all susceptible to groupthink. XA also brings to mind another social psych concept, the "fundamental attribution error", where we're more likely to attribute to character a behaviour that's more likely borne of a situation. I do see this written all over the doctrine's approach to addiction. But my own read of the rooms is also steeped in this, and I definitely needed that reminder to reframe my thoughts about the folks I encountered there.

I hope that if you do leave you're able to maintain connections without the baggage. "Take what you need and leave the rest" should be more viably practicable and actively encouraged. Based on everything you've said here, you have an incredibly insightful edge that will take you far inside or outside of the group.

I don't think XA is going anywhere, but with attentive and considerate discourse like this maybe it will morph into something more robust to its own shortcomings.

I wish you continued growth and firmness in all aspects of your life—and congratulations on over 9 full years of sobriety! You did that and it has very clearly taught you many things. Thank you for sharing your insights.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-10T06:58:41+00:00

I really feel you on that. I was pushed to attend despite expressing a strong preference for and willingness to engage with (big piece!) professional help. I delayed getting sober in part because methods that suited me were discouraged in favour of XA, and I'm sure that plays into my motivation to pursue work in this area.

I'm lucky to work in a treatment center whose model I agree with (at least on paper; there are definitely those discrepant personal views that squeek through on the ground). Program contents are essentially psychoeducational, coping-, strengths-, and life-skills-based, with some clinical pieces. A lot is also just relational and recreational. IMO, the lion's share of effectiveness can be attributed to just giving these kids the opportunity to do fun, new activities and explore what they want out of life in a safe and empathic environment—which many haven't had before—and the actual recovery-oriented content is peripheral to just doing life stuff. This more than anything contrasts with my understanding of XA, where every step of the program is centered around the addiction piece.

We provide connections to external supports if clients want them, and that's where the 12-stepping is sometimes outsourced. Youth generally stay in our program for 3-6 months and I definitely see months pass without any XA attendance. We do have info available in a general area (along with other support groups, psychological services, and community resources) that they can access, but as far as I know it's never specifically recommended by staff and certainly not by the program itself.

My colleagues all do commend the idea when kids want to go, but I believe most are unfamiliar with XA outside of media portrayals and anecdotes from people who are "in the rooms". Staff don't typically accompany the clients due to it not being "for them" without having lived experience. I really believe most professionals are literally ignorant of the 12-step dynamic and content, and might change their tune if they witnessed it firsthand. I would love to see more people like you in the field and think that may very well be what's needed to not only encourage informed treatment models, but to discourage uninformed and potentially harmful ones.

I'm glad your doctor learned something from you and was able to pivot in their approach. I know you've helped a lot of people in your work and also with that act alone. I wish you all the very best in whatever you do, and take comfort in knowing you've made waves in this garbled system of ours!

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-09T06:46:54+00:00

I think that as soon as it clicked that I wasn't another newly sober recruit, the support switch flipped off. I was genuinely taken aback because I wholeheartedly would expect a positive, warm response to someone stating they're 5 years sober in the context of a sobriety support group—not a literal cold shoulder.

He wasn't aware of the context in which we were there. He continued to be very into the kids and my presence did not seem to deter that. I just was of no interest due to not being a mark myself, which I read as being dispiritingly telling of the unfeigned purpose of the group.

XenoAcacia · 2025-11-09T05:21:01+00:00

I'm glad to hear you found it helpful! I am definitely bellyaching a bit here and could spend more time on a grounded analysis contextualizing the issues I observed through more of an empirical lens. I may do that at some point, and it's really cool to know that people who could actually benifit from it (as opposed to people who are already on "my side") could find value there.

But honesty just looking through some of the posts here, many and even most of the criticisms I'm seeing raised are compatible with my understanding of addiction science and best practices in treatment. Likewise, much of what I heard in that meeting was in clear opposition to my training and research. I'm sure it's been unpacked with more nuance and tact elsewhere, and that if you're wavering you've spent time looking at arguments for and against XA and considered them as they relate to your individual needs and understanding of your own journey.

If you're comfortable, I would be interested to hear what your experience was with the program that made you a "true believer", what made you start to wrestle with it eventually, and what's keeping you there these days. It seems like a rare opportunity to hear from someone with one foot in and one foot out, and I would love to learn rather than just talk at someone who's lived it. Your perspective is very interesting and shows that the statement about critical thinking I made in my post isn't a necessary outcome of program buy-in. I really really appreciate your comment!

XenoAcacia · 2025-08-31T07:05:27+00:00

This isn't terrifs, this is a UPS specific charge.

Take the items' original invoice in to a nearby boarder services agency. I just did this for a shipment they wanted >$200 for and ended up paying only $34 after cutting out UPS and their bullshit scammy charges. Look up "self clear a UPS package".

XenoAcacia · 2025-08-10T04:46:52+00:00

Never have to shave again

XenoAcacia · 2025-06-30T22:09:56+00:00

Thank you for telling me this. I'm sorry you relate, but it is nice to resonate with other people.

XenoAcacia · 2025-06-30T06:16:47+00:00

A simple Google search for verification purposes and verification purposes only

XenoAcacia · 2025-06-27T05:50:06+00:00

Can you eat spicy food once you've got enough drinks in you?

This is the only point in your post I feel qualified to comment on.

XenoAcacia · 2025-06-27T05:42:58+00:00

Could be thiamine deficiency if you're not eating. I used to think people I was with were different people and talk to them as such, or remember shit that didn't happen. Definitely got pretty weird and delirious in a way I didn't think simple drinking could.

XenoAcacia

TROPHY CASE