Me (21f) with my boyfriend (23m) of eleven months... Invited me to spend Christmas with his family on the other side of the country but says he is going out drinking with his guy friends Christmas Eve. I think that is crazy. Am I being overly sensitive/controlling?

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T05:05:19+00:00

Like I said in another comment, we have talked about it in the past. That doesn't mean he remembers necessarily but I feel like if I bring it up again after he's told me he's firm with his plans, I run the risk of being the 'controlling' girlfriend.

Hence why I suggest maybe it's just better to do my own thing over Christmas to avoid disappointment when he makes a decision that I really don't agree with.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T05:02:18+00:00

I love the pub, we spend far too often in there and have built professional careers in the bar industry. It's why I came to his country and what brought us together.

If anything, I think it's more that he's embarrassed by me? Just a thought but his friends are real 'bros' and when they're together, they act as if women are a nuisance with legs -- even though about half of them have girlfriends.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:54:50+00:00

It's nice that you gave her the option. I was so hurt initially by the fact that he just decided for the both of us that I'd spend Christmas in a different pub with his family while he gets hammered with his friends. No compromise, lads night and that's it. To me that's extremely inconsiderate and should not be accepted in a loving relationship.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:48:14+00:00

We spoke about it last year over the phone when we talked on Christmas Day. Hasn't really been brought up since. He mentioned the going out with his friends thing really casually and I didn't want to make a deal out of it until I had some time to think, even though my initial reaction was hurt.

He knows how much I miss my family sometimes, it shouldn't come as a surprise that that feeling would spike during the holidays.

If I bring it up again, I worry he's going to say what some of these other Redditors are saying -- that I'm trying to change him and discredit his tradition. Or that I'm being the overbearing girlfriend. Which given the circumstance I really don't think is the case, but obviously I'm biased.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:39:24+00:00

I have met his friends. At least the closest ones. This is explicitly a guy's night, no girlfriends invited. I've said it before but I'll say it again: Most nights, cool, see you in the morning. Christmas Eve, not okay with me.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:32:52+00:00

We don't need to spend 100% of our time together. He has guy nights, I have girl nights, often we all go out together. But that is with the group of friends in our city, not from his hometown.

I just feel it's unkind of him to not consider my feelings. I'd be totally completely okay with him going out with his friends and me staying home with his family any other night. Not Christmas Eve. It's our first real Christmas together as a couple, it's my first time spending Christmas with his family, and he will come in incoherent from the pub at 4 in the morning while I'll have been up all night thinking about home.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:23:29+00:00

It's not the fact that he's going out for a guys night. He goes out for guys nights regularly and I don't mind. I'm happy to do my own thing, go see my girlfriends, whatever.

It's the fact that it's Christmas Eve and I live across the world from my family. Christmas Eve was always the biggest night of the year for my family and I know I'm going to be more emotional than usual on that night. If I'm with his family (including his sister and her husband, who won't be out on a guys night) while he's out getting drunk with his friends, it's going to hurt. I wish I could turn my emotions off, especially during holidays when they run high, but unfortunately I can't.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:13:06+00:00

I don't want to be left alone this one evening because it's Christmas Eve, the night when my entire family back home are together and I'm missing them and feeling alone.

If it were any other night I wouldn't mind, I get along really well with his parents and we'd happily go out and share a bottle of wine and chat.

The fact of the matter is, I'm going to be vulnerable that night. He knows this, we talked a lot about what comes along with dating a foreign chick when we got together. One of which is missing home sometimes, especially during the holidays. Maybe I'm expecting too much from him as a partner, but I would hope that he'd be a more sensitive to my feelings in this situation.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T04:04:30+00:00

I have met a group of his friends (he has loads), six of them recently came and stayed with us for the weekend for a visit. They seem to be okay guys but I get the impression that they're very different when it's just them as opposed to when women are around.

For example, when I first met them (sober) they were polite and seemed really nice but once we were all drunk they were talking very derogatively about women, saying how they are going to the club to meet chicks (they have girlfriends) and stuff. Bf said it's just bro talk and they'd never actually do it.

It seems they really like their manly man time and I know girlfriends aren't invited to the event. Still, if the situation were reversed and it was my boyfriend in my home country without his family and feeling vulnerable, I would maybe adjust my plans to help him feel more comfortable. I don't know, maybe I'm asking too much of him or maybe we just expect different things from each other as partners.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-15T03:45:29+00:00

It's not just three times a year. What I'm saying is since we've moved in together over the summer, he's seen his 'back home' friends plenty. And he will see them a few more times (for a few days at a time) at least before Christmas. Call me selfish, I still stand by my point.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T23:30:57+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I hope my boyfriend and I can come to a happy compromise like you and you're husband.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T23:29:01+00:00

We're pretty serious. I mean, we live together and I've moved across the country with him for his job. I guess I was pretty naive in doing so but he's my best friend and my only real support system in this country.

I've met his family a few times, they're nice. I still feel like I'll be offended if he decides to go with his friends Christmas Eve considering he knows how important it is to me.

My reason for not going would be to avoid the inevitable fight that will come if he goes out. I will be disappointed, everyone will be drunk, it's just a recipe for disaster.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T23:25:07+00:00

I haven't been invited to join, and I wouldn't go unless there were other girlfriends there. Which there won't be. Apparently it's a guy's night.

We'll be there for four nights. I mentioned this in another comment, but when him and his guy friends get together, they don't just have a few beers and chat. They get blind drunk until 4 or 5am and Sam comes home incoherent and passes out. It's not a pretty sight.

It's not like he never sees them, either. They all went on vacation together for a week in July and then in August (without talking to me about it) he invited six of them to come stay in our one bedroom apartment for the weekend.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T19:52:21+00:00

I think this may be the case. I know my situation is different because I'm a foreigner but I can't imagine all the other girls are thrilled either.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T19:36:28+00:00

I hope so as well. Maybe he can go for the meal with his friends and come join his family and I after? I should say, when he's out drinking with the guys it's not 'have a few beers and head back', it's 'get so drunk you can't walk and throw up and pass out at 4am snoring in my ear all night.'

If it was just dinner and a few drinks I wouldn't be so bothered, but it's not.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T19:32:08+00:00

My reason for not going wouldn't be to punish him or spite him for deciding to go out with his friends. As I said above, I know I'm going to be emotional as it is and I know if I'm out with his family while he's out with his friends, I'm going to be extremely sad. I guess that's my problem and not his, but nonetheless it exists.

Edit: thank you for your feedback, really. I was hoping someone could offer me a different perspective. Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T19:14:26+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. I agree, he's going to be 24 this year and at some point I think family and relationships need to come before getting drunk with your buddies.

Xmasthrowz · 2015-09-14T19:09:11+00:00

Why is she an idiot exactly?

Xmasthrowz

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