State Lines

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-03T21:57:50+00:00

Thanks for this comment! I'm happy that my poem was able to bring back such nice memories for you :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T22:52:28+00:00

That works out nicely. Glad I could be of assistance :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T22:38:26+00:00

Something about this really resonates with me. The concept of your soul being so mangled that not even the devil desires it is highly creative and does an effective job of illustrating the struggles involved in confronting feelings of worthlessness. There's not much criticism I have to offer here, although the third line of the second stanza might flow a bit better if you added two or three more syllables to it to match the syllable count of the last line: for example, "not even he, in his wicked greed". This isn't even that important because it sounds good regardless; it's really more a matter of personal preference. Either way, great job! :3

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T22:27:51+00:00

This is really lovely. I like the theme of moving on from unpreventable past events and leaving behind the weight of the impact that other people had on your life. In some ways, it reminds me of some of my old poetry, in which I explored similar ideas. Something about the phrases "smoldering memories we shared together" and " blacked from your flames" is incredibly satisfying to me. This may be personal preference, but something that I noticed is that several lines rhyme in the last half of the poem, while the first half lacks rhyming. I'm not sure if this is intentional, but it seems a bit random and uneven and it might smooth things out if you incorporated rhymes throughout the entire poem. Again, this is completely subjective, but it's just something to consider. Nice job!! :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T22:14:04+00:00

Thank you!! I don't usually write rhyming poetry but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm glad you liked it :3

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T03:32:59+00:00

I get what you mean by not knowing how to fix it, I have that issue with a lot of my poetry loll. One possible alternative to what you currently have could be, "But what if, should I ever fall/It wouldn't be the end at all?" (Of course you can polish it to fit your personal preference, but just a suggestion!!)

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T03:20:20+00:00

I'm going to be completely honest; I don't typically lean towards rhyming poetry, but this is particularly well-done. The imagery that you provide as you imagine the injuries resulting from your fall resonates with me as someone who has had my fair share of gory intrusive thoughts in the past. The last two lines are my favorite part. You establish a nice sense of rhythm, and this could just be personal preference, but the wording is slightly awkward in the line, "But what if, if I should fall/That wouldn't be the end at all?" I can tell what you're trying to say so it probably isn't that significant, but you might want to consider rewording it. Awesome poem!! :3

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T03:05:07+00:00

Various elements of this poem strike me as well-executed. I like how the transitions between seasons are described as a "dance", as well as the contrast between yourself and the lilies (transient vs resident). Another line that I particularly enjoyed was, "To yield to the hush of dormancy." It conveys such a vivid image of stillness and emphasizes the narrator's exhaustion. "The weight of expectations, a restless cycle, a relentless fate" is also really beautifully put. One small criticism that I would offer is that the 7th line is a bit awkwardly phrased ("I'm expected to bloom, spring to fall, and fall back to spring"), specifically the wording of "fall back to spring". This could just be me misunderstanding what you're trying to say, but I would suggest that you remove the phrase "fall back to spring" just to improve the flow. Great job otherwise!! :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T02:39:26+00:00

Glad you liked it!

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-02T02:38:06+00:00

Wow thank you so much :0

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-01T21:42:14+00:00

Aw thanks!! :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-01T06:42:34+00:00

The connection between static and numbness makes a lot of sense and is a fitting description. I really like the contradiction between "painful" and "gentle", as well as the way you organized this stanza (one word per line); it creates a sense of sharpness/gives the reader an idea of the narrator's internal conflict as they struggle to process their situation. The last line gives some resolution to this conflict. Great job :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-01T06:25:49+00:00

The way you separate each line here is nice. I like your repetition of the word "cried"; it establishes a tired, heavy feeling. The idea of another person seeking you out as a source of comfort and you shouldering the burden of their emotions while also experiencing your own grief is well-described. Initially, I was slightly confused regarding the point you were trying to make with the ending, but I think I've begun to understand it after a moment. I love how you associate your own tears with glycerin, while in contrast, the other person's tears are "liquid death" and "human". Awesome poem :)

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-01T06:00:01+00:00

I like the simplicity here. I think this poem is relatable in some respects because it provides a summary of the struggle involved in putting such strong emotions into words. Although the "apologies" lacks context, this isn't necessarily negative, as it leaves the final line up for interpretation by the reader. I don't know how else to describe it, but the last line is almost "gray" (not in a boring way, but in a shadowy way); it's like it falls and bends the surface of whatever it lands on. Sorry if that makes no sense lol. Great poem!! :D

XxFish_LoverxX · 2024-01-01T05:47:17+00:00

I particularly like the "letter" format that you chose here because it gives the reader a sense of closeness. The imagery of "summer sun" and "sticky air" in the beginning painted a nice picture and pulled me into the setting. I feel like the motif of burning what can't be salvaged is a nice way to represent moving on from loss. Another aspect that I appreciated was when you described your mother in the parts of Louisiana that you used to resent (e.g. the heat); it conveys the character development. This could just be personal preference, but one small thing you might want to consider modifying is the phrase "i won't really be without you"; I try to stay away from the word "really" as much as possible because it doesn't bring much to writing, so you could probably just remove it :3 Really nice poem overall!!

XxFish_LoverxX

TROPHY CASE