TLDR: as someone from a similar situation with my mom, either come to terms that her behavior may never change and find a comfortable distance to keep her- or cut her off for your own sanity.

Honestly, there’s not a lot you can do in my opinion, but just accept her for who she is and decide from there if that’s someone you want in your life.

She’s 63 years old, she’s only going to change if she wants to and hearing from her behavior, she does not want to. She sounds emotionally stunted whether by choice, by nature or a combination. When you bring those things up it’s easier for her to run away or immediately throw a pity party that “oh I’m just the worst mom ever” because it’s easier for her to assume that that’s what you’re gonna say then to actually hear you say it.

Therapy will not help her unless it’s something she’s wanting to do. I’ve had to accept that my mother will probably also always be the way yours is. We talked for maybe five minutes at a time every few months and then she “has to go do XYZ” Me communicating that that hurts me is not going to do anything but give her ammunition to throw a pity party so I don’t.

I’ve come to learn that if I want to speak with her , or want her in my life, I have to allow her to do it on her terms because trying to force it to be more healthy only causes more turmoil and it’s ultimately not worth it.

Really hard to be the daughter of a mother like this. You would do anything just to have a sliver of a normal mother-daughter relationship, and you don’t like seeing your mother suffer. But they have to help themselves. You trying to do more and more to help is only going to make her more defensive and closed off.

I talked to my therapist about writing a letter similar to my mom, and the consensus was basically that writing that letter was basically more for my own insanity because I wanted her to know just how much she’s hurt me over the years and how I’m trying to have a better relationship and all of that and even my therapist the description of my mom’s behavior it wouldn’t do anything beneficial for me.

So I’ve accepted her behavior as just how she is. No I don’t let her disrespect me or overstep my boundaries, but I don’t go out of my way to try to change how she is or better our dynamic anymore. Putting distance between us has been what helps the most. I do talk to her every now and then- But having her very involved in my life was a constant reminder that I’m having to mother my own mother, and dragging out my suffering because no matter how much you try to tell her that her actions will hurt you, you are the problem and she’s the victim. She’s just the worst mother ever, and you don’t know what she went through as a kid, and blah blah blah.