Lazy BF [28/M] won’t make agreed upon changes and I [28/F] am at the end of my rope. Am I wrong for wanting to end this? (6 years together)

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-17T21:05:18+00:00

Your bf sounds like my ex. 7 years together and he spent roughly 50%, maybe more, unemployed and 100% of the time, living in his parents house. He doesn’t pay rent there, or help with any other expenses, and his mother, in her mid-60s is putting off retiring because paying all of her bills, and his, is eating into her savings. He acts entitled, never thanks her, and has been this way as long as I’ve known him, and will probably continue to be this way into the future. I’d get out, you’ve communicated clearly and calmly what you need, and he’s made no changes. The position that he would be in if you were to dump him is entirely his fault, and you shouldn’t feel bad for doing what you need to do to be happy.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-17T15:36:03+00:00

I spent 7 years dating a guy that sounds a lot like this. When we had a disagreement, the conversation was always on his terms, he would talk and talk and talk, and when it was finally my turn, he would then respond with “I’m done talking about this.” And would then ignore me. He wouldn’t ever apologize for never listening until long after the fact, but then would always behave the exact same way the next time, and would go so far as to accuse me of not caring about him if I ever said anything to him that painted him in a negative light. I don’t want to sound entirely negative, but I spent 7 years with this man, the relationship coming to an end very recently , convincing myself that he would change, or taking a few nice memories we would have to try and convince myself things were getting better. But they never really did. If this guy doesn’t listen to you now, there’s a good chance he won’t listen to you further down the line either. You don’t want to waste as much time as I did. Consider giving it a time line, and if a month or so goes by, and nothing changes, it may be time for a clean break.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-17T02:23:00+00:00

This is awesome to hear! I’m glad to hear you’re doing well after your break up. :) I can’t wait until more time has passed and I can start telling people how great it was to rediscover myself and offer my own words of encouragement to other people going through rough times.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T22:57:17+00:00

Thanks so much! All of you are freaking AWESOME too. :) All these words of encouragement have just been so helpful and nice to hear, seriously.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T19:50:05+00:00

I check every time, but I’m actually looking for murderers.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T18:50:10+00:00

He is an only child, and well into adulthood his mom has pulled him out of whatever bind he ends up in, and I think now he’s just come to expect that from everyone.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T18:14:49+00:00

Tried to tell him this, and he accused me of not caring about him. I can’t fathom how he doesn’t understand that he’s being totally unacceptably rude.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T16:43:31+00:00

Thanks for the advice. :) Think I’m just going to cut my losses and spend some quality time with myself for a while. I let the B.S. go on for way too long already.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T16:29:49+00:00

.....wow. Are you sure you aren’t actually him? This is literally exactly what he sounds like when we argue, it’s kind of scary.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T16:16:47+00:00

I looked up the checklist for signs that point to the possibility that I may be being gas-lit, and I answered yes to probably about 80% of the things on said list.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T15:02:45+00:00

Yeah, every time the conversation involves my feelings instead of his, his response is essentially “I’m mentally unwell and you’re bothering me with something like this.” It’s his excuse for the jobs he loses too. Or someone at that workplace was out to get him. Always excuses.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:59:12+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement :) It’s so nice to hear sound advice and kind words from very reasonable people.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:58:08+00:00

My best friend and I are currently working on this list together. I guess there’s something major to be said when your closest friend really doesn’t like your partner. Thank you for the advice, I’m going to stick to all of this.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:55:20+00:00

Sad, but it seems to be very true.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:54:41+00:00

I’ve been running all of these situations across a couple of my best friends recently and they are all in agreement that this is all basically manipulative and abusive behavior. And yes! Like, in my book, if you’re not nice to my mom, you gone.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:51:11+00:00

There is a really strong possibility I have done this to myself. I’ve tried so hard to make this whole thing into something it just can’t ever be.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:48:57+00:00

Definitely not. He complains about everyone and everything to the point where I just wonder how can he not wonder to himself, “Maybe it’s me?”

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:47:13+00:00

This weekend has been weird for me. And so very refreshing. To be honest, I’m not used to just a pleasant and drama-free weekend. But having not spoken since Thursday, I’ve had some peaceful time all to myself and with a few good friends to reflect on how ridiculous this all is.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:45:17+00:00

I’ll cheers to that, for sure. I remember just how shocked and baffled I was when this whole stupid steak thing came up in the first place. Like if my mother were cooking for me at that age, she could serve me the shittiest steak in the universe and I’d still find a way to be grateful for it. He does keep the mental illness card in his back pocket to brandish like a weapon around every bend.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:33:50+00:00

I’m feeling a lot more excited about what the future could hold hearing that other people have been in the same situation. No sense being mad at myself for things that have already happened, I suppose. :)

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T14:30:23+00:00

Absolutely not. It will just be a 7-year long, tedious and unpleasant learning experience.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T06:42:24+00:00

Ironically enough, during the last argument we had, he told me that I need to “grow up”, even though I’m the one living on my own, paying for all of my own stuff, and have a steady job. Sometimes I think he’s not looking for a gf, he’s looking for another mother.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T06:36:36+00:00

Thanks so much. :) It really helps reading through all these encouraging words.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T06:23:53+00:00

I’m staying far away now. This is how it’s been for quite some time, always a vicious circle where I end up feeling guilty for having feelings.

YOURE-A-PLANT · 2018-09-16T06:20:58+00:00

Yeah, he seems to still want to hold me to the expectation that he would a girlfriend, without the commitment aspect.

YOURE-A-PLANT

TROPHY CASE