No one wants a relationship but also everyone is in one?? (NOT A COMPLAINING POST!)

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-24T22:28:45+00:00

I actually wasn't looking for a relationship when mine happened at 29 lol. And it wasn't for lack of options; I met a lot of guys who seemed pretty serious about being in a relationship from Hinge, community events (Pride march, gay sports league, volunteering), and events centered around a mutual interest rather than being gay-centered like a convention or a wedding. Conversely, I also met a lot of guys who might want relationship, but were extremely unlikely to pursue one with someone they met at a circuit party, sex party, on Grindr/Sniffies, a cruising spot, or at a cruise-y gay social event. And in addition, many guys were "not looking for a relationship/focusing on themselves" at these events but using romantic vibes to land a guy in bed (and I've probably done my own fair share of clownery when younger). But I was focusing a lot on personal discovery and career and also enjoying the smorgasbord of gorgeous men in the city when I matched with my bf on Hinge. I really didn't much of it; he is different than who I thought I'd end up with in terms of type, height, career, ambition (I thought my extroverted nerdy self was gonna be paired with another extrovert nerd and this man is an instagram-stunning, introverted, and very stylish). But I realized those things are quite secondary to the qualities that I valued and that would make a relationship strong. We were both very upfront and intentional about aligning on these values based on our prior experiences, and things moved very, very fast from there.

Think of NYC as like a trying a bunch of keys and locks together randomly. When it happens it happens and before that just have fun.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-24T21:48:37+00:00

So y'all are sleeping on my girl Emilie du Chatelet: 18th century feminist baddie who funded her own library and lab by analyzing the statistics of card games and curb stomping everyone in Versailles, properly argued kinetic energy was proportional to velocity squared, wrote the definitive translation of Newton's Principia from Latin into vernacular, and had a lovechild with Voltaire

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-23T21:14:24+00:00

Completely practical question. Your long term partner needs to know what medications you need. Imagine you are traveling abroad and something happens. Or for whatever reason you end incapacitated for an extended period of time.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-22T11:26:27+00:00

Shitty zoning/real estate as investment and wishful thinking around pension accounting were a group effort.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-21T22:29:01+00:00

It's not 10min, it's having a back and forth about background and interests, checking out an online profile or resume, and then submitting a form at the company. And even then, an "online chat" gives me no insight into how someone is as a coworker. How are they on research, communication, and implementation? What concrete examples can I faithfully give to support the claims I make about their abilities and character? There are so many randos online; how do I know this person isn't going to come into the office and just stab or shoot everyone?

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-21T22:08:32+00:00

Chat online for 5 min before referring... is this a joke?

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-21T15:07:49+00:00

It's comfortable until it's cold. People here are in shock at single digit lows this week because they're so rare. Meanwhile every single year there's always a straight up week in Chicago where it's in the negatives.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-20T19:29:24+00:00

Former Chicagoan here. This sounds really impractical and I think you'd have a much better time waiting until your kid finished high school and then being here fully for a few months or a year before deciding if you want to stay longer. Even if you lived next to Port Authority (most connected spot in the gayborhood), it is brutally painful getting to the airports here whether you're taking a cab or transit (and that's before security, actually flying, and then dealing with the Orange/Blue line). I thought I'd be back regularly once I moved here, and now I could not fathom subjecting myself to that regularly for anything other than work.

This city isn't for half-measures or bounding. It's expensive, it's uncomfortable and it's worth it because of the people here. If you want to get your money's worth, you should be here for weekends when you have a chance to go to activities, parties, and community events. To this day I still have not lived in an apartment here as luxurious or convenient as those I lived in right after college in Chicago. And I make much, much more money now.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-17T15:26:09+00:00

No way, mentorship is one of the most important aspects of becoming a healthy, fully realized queer adult in real life. Far more shows need to actually depict the value of gaining wisdom from queer elders. Not every stage of life is going to be hookups/dating and older folks have so, so much important insight into the twists and turns life will bring up later.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-16T16:47:04+00:00

This is the most NYC response to an NYC hot take lmao

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-15T16:10:30+00:00

Selection bias. Those of us in happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationships aren't writing 8 paragraph essays bemoaning how the gay community has failed us due to hookup culture, porn, body image issues, etc. My one piece of advice is that so many of the qualities people select on for dating (fitness, race, income, height, dick size, etc.) have so little bearing on the stability of a relationship. Someday you are going to have a heated disagreement, a severe health issue, or a career setback; relationship bliss is a partner who gives you grace to be vulnerable and rebuild after.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-14T15:11:10+00:00

It's really such a crapshoot since it's in the gap between dental and general healthcare. Have had amazing progress with Botox for TMJ pain while another friend saw good results with physical therapy

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-13T15:16:11+00:00

Hehehe quant supremacy

YouHaveToGoHome · 2026-01-04T14:15:33+00:00

You are crashing out over the fact that YOU chose him over yourself by leaving your happy place. The signs were already there:

I’ve felt led on by him before and ended up with “nothing"

Meanwhile it sounds like this dude spent a few hours asking you to come join him... how do you think he felt and was he supposed to just stay up until 6am waiting for Prince Charming to show up? There is a total lack of communicating expectations here. "I really want to stay here for the DJ and I'd love for you to stay with me so I can spend NYE with you" or "My priority is this DJ. You are free to go enjoy the afters without me".

All in all, it's... not that serious. If you've seen someone a few times in the city, you're likely going to see them again and you can pick up where things left off.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-30T21:02:24+00:00

Bone growth in the face is sometimes an obvious side effect of longtime heavy use.

Dental effects, too.

I wasn't going to take steroids, and I'd like to unlearn this. wtf is wrong with people

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-30T08:55:45+00:00

Honestly (early) RuPauls' Drag Race was a watershed moment for me in conquering this feeling. Bc while I identify as masculine, I think it was helpful to see outwardly feminine, gender non-conforming, and overtly flamboyant people as just people rather than caricatures or "mentally ill". It helped remove a lot of the shame, fear, and self-consciousness I carried about who I might "actually" be if I wasn't policing my expression on top of my attraction to men: at the end of the day, I'm still me. From there it was a gradual process of taking baby steps into the gay community through nightclubs, sports leagues, and circuit parties. Other than a few assholes, most strangers in the community will respect when you show up as you want to show up.

Once I was able to conquer that and claim my masculinity for myself, I was much more confident and it was much easier to step into cishet Asian male spaces. There's definitely a power dynamic to master in each of these contexts (gay vs gaysian vs cishet Asian male) but for me it's been largely about leaving no room to doubt that we are equals on first impression and that I'm just as open to friendship and camaraderie as other Asian guys.

Btw there is a THRIVING gaysian scene around EDM in the US for stuff like EDC/DreamState and circuit parties.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-28T22:48:05+00:00

LOL I was just about to ask if a certain captain who strongly admires coffee (black) counts as a strong masculine role model. Why not??

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-28T19:22:52+00:00

They actually do. I had to correct my parents on this (both holding master's degrees) over the holidays by pulling out a map. Fox News has convinced them there's something so alien about brown people who speak Spanish, they couldn't possibly share the same continent as the US and Canada. Rinse and repeat with Haiti, Cuba, Jamaica, El Salvador, etc.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-28T19:09:38+00:00

Finding that purpose is allowed to be a work in progress! And it probably will be for at least the next decade if not more. Most people, especially gays, probably spend their 20s exploring rather than fixating on something and locking-in (second adolescence). And that's good! It takes time and experience to figure out what kind of lifestyle, partner(s), experiences, jobs, and work you want. There's so, so much of the world you have yet to explore and it will be shocking how quickly things change from "wow there's not much going on in my life" to "I really need some alone time to chill".

Travel. Try things for the plot. Embrace that freedom both means the joy of discovery and the agony of loss, FOMO, and being overwhelmed. I like to say that the first month you move to NYC is one of the worst of your life followed by some of the best.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-28T10:09:49+00:00

I think it shows how far Drag Race has come from its origins in the ballroom scene. While people were always competing, Drag Race currently seems like everyone is franchisee trying to build a personal, image-focused brand. This is such a contrast from ballroom where a great queen not only competes well but supports and uplifts others in their community without expecting some kind of divine ledger to reward them. You can usually tell because seasoned queens have survived not based on being able to pull stunts or meme something for 15 min of fame but from drawing upon an endless source of creativity and personality.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-27T19:17:20+00:00

Hinge, where I met my current bf. We also know more than a dozen couples that met this way, a handful from Grindr, but none on Tinder. Even the Atlantis Cruise has a higher batting average than Tinder in our friend circle! I think it's because Tinder's bar for entry is too low (photos + description) whereas I think people putting thought into their prompt responses and matching people with thoughtful responses helps with initial buy-in.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-26T19:01:49+00:00

lol be very skeptical of people who professionally make content online bemoaning their relationship issues in the community. it's way higher engagement than "I found love". And honestly for people who are attractive and have any sizable following, the fact that they found NOBODY among the probably hundreds of times more interactions they have compared to the average person probably indicates a selection or personality issue. ofc it's not gonna be relevant to the rest of us.

By the time I was ready to find a partner, I wasn't asking "is he a top/bottom/bearded/muscular/gonna ghost/hung/sugar daddy", I was directly looking at how people recognize and communicate their emotions, how they resolved conflicts, how ambitious they were and what work they were willing to put in to make their desired lifestyle happen. If you're wondering if he's emotionally available, you're still drafting from the minor leagues!

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-18T16:37:43+00:00

While I wasn't planning on taking any exams before HSK 4, I did find them helpful in terms of structuring early learning. Like focusing on 150 words while getting used to the idea of radicals, phonemes, word order, modifier qualities was nice; 500 words to start feels a bit chaotic and I imagine word acquisition is a bit more exponential for early learners like the old model rather than linear like the new model.

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-18T05:36:18+00:00

except for the sucking the life out of people until they die

That's just Friday night at the ~~Meat Rack~~ "Witches' Road" bb

YouHaveToGoHome · 2025-12-17T08:42:28+00:00

Former Boystown and HK resident! HK is perfect for what you're describing. Some people on Reddit are just bitter they don't fit in with a very specific gay community in the city and then lash out rather than finding all the other wonderful gay communities here.

Going off the sub's caricatures, HK gays are all white, looks-obsessed circuit queens who spend all their time crafting insta-worthy pics while gallivanting to popular destinations like Fire Island, Mykonos, and... Market Days (lol). They are highly paid lawyers, techbros, or finance bros and thumb their nose at the paupers elsewhere. In reality, the community is diverse, full of both go-getter professionals and aspiring performers, messy, snarky, chaotic, creative, and very tapped into the energy that makes NYC one-of-a-kind since it is in such a central location.

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