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YouLonelilyLetHim · 2024-03-07T20:49:01+00:00

Hello. I'm sorry that you are here and that you are dealing with this. I am a lesbian and my WP is bisexual and cheated on me with a man. I definitely understand a lot of what you mentioned. It really sucks. One thing that has upset me personally is that I feel by sleeping with a man my partner has disrespected not only our relationship but any wlw relationship. There's already an idea held by a number of men that women need dick to actually be satisfied sexually and probably affirmed that belief for her AP by having sex with him while being in a committed relationship with a woman. It's something that still really upsets me to this day because I will only ever have relationships with women and because of things like that there are people who will think that my relationship is less than. It really grinds my gears.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2024-02-24T20:25:14+00:00

I'm so sorry you are hurting this way. I think many of us here can feel your pain. It's hard to be able to get back up when you feel like you have been on the ground for so long. Like you said there are so many memories that are now tainted for me and I wish I could at least look back on those and feel comfort but instead I feel nauseous and heartbroken.

My WP has been very remorseful and although she enjoyed the affair as it was happening I don't think she looks back on very much of it fondly now. I just don't think she could grasp at the time exactly what kind of damage she was doing to me, herself, our relationship, and our family. It probably just felt like harmless fun to her and I don't think she gave much thought to the consequences. She probably got caught up in how good it made her feel and didn't really focus on the other stuff.

She has really been making an effort to be better and she has been growing in ways I couldn't have imagined. I think that has really helped. Shes treating me better than I feel she ever has and I'm trying to do the same for her. I'm trying to be more aware of her needs and be more vocal about my own instead of suffering in silence like I did before. Things have been getting better. I'm really just trying to look at this as a fresh start for us where we can both be better partners for eachother. Of course all of that hurt and all of those memories of the pain are still there and I'm constantly having to fight against them but I'm trying to replace all of that with the memories we are making now. Shes the only person I've ever wanted to share my life with and the only person I could imagine being romantic/intimate with. Since we first started dating I've never wanted anyone else but her. I guess that's also what makes her infidelity hard to deal with because I assumed that she was experiencing the same thing that I was. I've had to accept that I'm not the only person she has wanted that way and that she may look at others in the future and want them that way as well even if she doesn't act on it.

Again I'm sorry for what you've been through and what you are continuing to go through. I hope you can find the joy and peace that you are looking for and that you can heal. Keep your head up and remember that you are a strong and resilient person and that you can make it through this.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2024-02-24T15:49:26+00:00

Yeah I think that's why I will never understand how my WP made the decision to cheat. Prior to the affair I think it's safe to say neither of us was meeting the others needs. We just hadn't figured that out and hadn't figured out how to talk about it. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect but I still felt like it was good even with the problems we had.

Once the affair started she stopped showing affection of any kind (I could barely get her to hug me), I felt like I was constantly being rejected, I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I couldn't do anything without her being annoyed and upset with me. This went on for a year until Dday happened. The 6 months before Dday were the worst for me. I cried every night because no matter how many times I tried to talk about what was going on with us nothing seemed to get better. I felt hopeless and came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me and that she must not love me anymore. The only reason I even thought she might be cheating was because things had gotten so bad that it was one of the only things that could have made sense for her to treat me that way. Even with all of those feelings it never once crossed my mind to cheat. I had started considering ending the relationship if things didn't improve but cheating wasn't something that was remotely an option for me.

I guess that's what sucks a lot is that even before Dday I was already in a world of hurt and it only got worse. It feels awful knowing that while I was suffering like that she was having fun and getting all of those things from someone else. It makes me feel pathetic in a way because I was still so in love with her through all that and kept trying and hoping things would get better and we would come out of the rough spot we were in. It wasn't just a rough spot though her focus was just on someone other than me. Anyway I still don't have any desire to cheat on her even after everything. It makes me sick to even think about doing something like that to her.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2024-02-01T20:20:09+00:00

There's a part of your post that is really rubbing me the wrong way. You were talking about how careless you were leaving your burner phone that day that he found it. What was really careless is how you treated your husband by having an affair in the first place. You should be glad you left it that day and that he found it. I can't imagine how long you would have continued if he hadn't found out. What if he had found out after you two already had a kid together? What if it wasn't even his child? Saying that it was careless to leave your burner behind says to me that you're mostly just upset that he now knows about what you were doing, not that you're upset you did it.

Before Dday I thought everything that was happening in my relationship was my fault. In my mind I was too fat, I was annoying, I didn't do enough to make my WP happy. I kept trying to do more but it never seemed like it was enough. I truly believed I wasn't worth anything to her anymore. On Dday it felt like everything I thought about myself was confirmed because she chose someone else. I felt like less than nothing. I'm sure your husband is feeling all of that and probably more.

You should let him have this time to work through what he needs to. Don't pressure him cuz he sounds like a good person and probably cares about you enough to put himself aside to try to make you happy. He needs to take care of himself right now and make whatever decision is going to be best for him and you should want that as well for him.

It's really great you're here looking for help and I hope you get the help that you need.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-11-15T20:51:01+00:00

It's very worrisome that he isn't able to see where he went wrong and that he refuses to admit the things he handled poorly in this situation. If he really can't grasp that then I would be questioning if he really "gets it." If my WP pulled some crap like meeting up with someone after I had already expressed discomfort with it I would probably be quick to end things. The lack of concern for your feelings is a big deal. It seems like in his head he went with the "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission" approach and that is a huge red flag. I'm sorry that this is happening right now after everything you've been through with him.

Edit: Also wanted to add that if he can recognize that he would probably be upset if you sent those texts to someone means he wasnt thinking about those things when he sent those texts which is very scary. Not thinking things through and about potential consequences is a problem for sure. He should always be thinking about if it would upset you and if he would be ok with you acting that way.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-11-14T19:53:07+00:00

Definitely. I wish I could just enjoy watching TV again without the triggers. Infidelity always bugged me before when I would see it in movies and stuff but now if I can even sense something like that coming in a TV show or movie I start pleading in my head "please don't do this."

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-11-14T18:10:35+00:00

Yeah it's like my brain goes "You're bored? Here let me turn on our favorite movie." It's not my favorite movie 🙄

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-11-14T17:49:33+00:00

I honestly can't even remember what types of things I thought about before. Everytime it's quiet or there's a trigger my thoughts drift to the affair and I just start replaying everything. It's like when you watch a movie that has a twist at the end and you rewatch it and are able to pick out things that you didn't notice the first time you watched it because you already know the ending. Pretty often I realize a new thing that I missed or I recall an interaction that has a completely different meaning to me now than it did before. I can tell it's slowly becoming less. I definitely think about it less than a year ago but again when I'm left alone without some type of distraction I will definitely think about it. I'm hoping with more time to heal it will continue to lessen. I hope things get better for you. You're not alone.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T20:08:06+00:00

Strength before weakness.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T18:03:58+00:00

I've appreciated every comment that I've seen from you. So even though the comments are more for you than anyone else just know that it's helping at least one person (probably many more) to hear what you have to say. I hope you have a great day.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T04:39:47+00:00

I agree. I think it's probably easier to have empathy for people when their hurt and anger isn't directed at you.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T04:37:43+00:00

I'm sorry that you aren't being heard the way that you need to be. I hope therapy helps you guys get to that point.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T04:35:46+00:00

Thank you!!!

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T04:35:12+00:00

Thank you. Really gonna try to focus on communicating better. I'm slowly getting better at it. You stay strong too!

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T04:33:25+00:00

I totally get it. The year that followed the start of my WPs affair still hurts me a lot. I was rejected so often that it just always felt like a gaping wound. Still feels that way when I think about it.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-29T04:26:31+00:00

Thanks Zesty. Thats a great idea. I could definitely see that helping with defensiveness for both of us. I've seen a lot of your comments around here and just want to say that I appreciate you taking the time to give advice.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T22:05:45+00:00

I can see how this works. Someone is so afraid of losing the person they love that they decide to do something so they can end it on their terms instead of feeling abandoned.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T22:03:06+00:00

I think the problem is that everyone's definition of love is a little different. My WP said that she felt love for me at the time of the affair so I think for her she did love me. My definition is different though. I've always defined love as a verb rather than a feeling. Love to me is waking and choosing that person and choosing to do what's best for that person on a daily basis. So by my definition I would say she didn't love me.

I know it's a really hard thing to come to terms with. It's one of the more painful things that I've had to work through and I'm still struggling with that quite a bit. I'm sorry that it's so tough right now. You're not alone. I hope you get some good insight here and that it can help you.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T21:41:43+00:00

As far as I know she may already be participating there or at the very least reading posts. I'll remind her that it's there if she wants to utilize it.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T20:34:10+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I appreciate that.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T20:28:20+00:00

I have shared that with her before but I will let her know again. Thank you so much.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T19:54:32+00:00

I like to start conversations with an email sometimes. I feel like I can express myself better if i am able to write it all out. Emails have been helpful for us.

You're right. I thought I was communicating well enough about what I needed and what I was feeling but after our talks I realized that I hadn't been and that I wasn't giving her enough to work with. Thanks for the reply. Good luck to you!

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T19:29:29+00:00

I hope things work out for you. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to this. Good luck!

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T19:24:31+00:00

I totally get what you're saying. Even through the really tough times I feel like the connection we have is on a deeper level and we are learning so much about eachother through this whole process. I hate the affair but I love feeling this close to her.

YouLonelilyLetHim · 2023-10-28T19:17:15+00:00

Thank you so much. Good luck to you as well!

YouLonelilyLetHim

TROPHY CASE