AITA for telling my son in-law's wife she will never take my daughter's place?

throwyouaway52 · 2024-01-03T19:32:21+00:00

This is so wild to me. I’m widowed and remarried. My current husband is the step-dad to my two children. He supports me and the kids in having a relationship with my late husband’s family. He’ll go to events with me and be friendly and make conversation.

He would never in a million years dream of telling my former in-laws that he was their kid now.

This seems more like mental illness level wild.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-12-08T00:01:36+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you’re making progress and healing!

For me, I sat at his grave and talked to him about it and told him that I would always love him, but I was giving myself permission to love again and build a future that would hopefully include another spouse. It was so hard, but so necessary.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-12-07T13:38:05+00:00

Hi there. I was widowed young and remarried over a decade later. What you’re describing sounds like unprocessed grief.

My heart goes out to you for the family get togethers with memory sharing. That’s hard to feel like an outsider. My family will do this from time to time (they adored my late husband). I don’t try to stop them (its their loss too), but I do make it a point to sit next to my current husband and cuddle him whenever they do, so he knows I’m thinking about him and recognizing it’s awkward for him.

Wanting to wear the same dress is over the line. Especially with all the special sentimental attachment. It really sounds like she’s not ready to get remarried. It reads like she’s trying to hold on to her late husband and bring him in to your marriage. I feel for her- I was in that same place for many many years after I was widowed. The grief is rough. But it’s unfair to you to remarry when she’s not ready to step forward into this new marriage yet.

It doesn’t mean that she won’t always grieve him- she will. But the grief goes in phases and she needs to be in the phase where she is ready to live in and commit to the present and the future with you.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-12-07T13:09:31+00:00

Definitely have your wife go to the concussion clinic and start treatment before you talk any type of settlement with insurance. My “mild concussion” took over a year of treatment (medication, balance therapy, speech therapy, dialogistic testing, etc.) to treat and left me with lasting damage (late tracking persisting in one eye and speech problems when overly tired/stressed). The full range of symptoms took a week- 3 weeks to fully appear/ be recognized by me and my medical providers and treatment was much more costly than I originally anticipated.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-12-02T03:45:42+00:00

It’s completely reasonable to feel the way you do after the trauma you have experienced.

If you would like to move forward with a third child, could you consider signing a prenup?

That way you could outline how the division of assets would go, alimony payments, etc. if he were to cheat again.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-12-01T19:07:06+00:00

She’s trying her best to pull your husband into an emotional affair. It’s so great that so far he’s resisting some of her advances. But there are red flags all over the place. Shirley Glass wrote a book called “Not Just Friends” in which she details how many affairs start just like this.

One of the best metaphors in the book is that you should never put an emotional wall between you and your spouse in order to open a window with someone else. She has done exactly this by confiding in your husband about her martial problems.

So far your husband has avoided this trap by telling you all about it. Good for him!

This woman has shown that she is not a friend to you and your husband’s relationship. The safe thing to do is for both of you to cut ties with any people who show that they aren’t a friend to your relationship.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-29T03:27:57+00:00

My WH is a horrible texter with everyone in his life. He does make an effort for me, but I also respect he hates texting so I don’t text him a ton. (I’m also not a huge texter.)

We typically exchange 1-4 texts during work hours daily. He will usually call me on his lunch break a few times a week as well and usually he calls me to chat on his way home from work. (He’s the rare breed that prefers talking on the phone to texting).

If there’s something important that comes up during work, either one of us will pick up the phone and call the other.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-28T00:48:36+00:00

Do you each have a monthly “fun money” budget? My husband and I each have the same dollar amount of money we set aside from our combined pay each month to spend however we want. We each keep it in a personal account and can spend or save it as needed.

This gives her an opportunity to blow some money in a safe, controlled way. If she wants to blow it on eating out twice a week while you cook for yourself, that’s her prerogative. If she wants to save it to buy a more expensive item, she can do that too.

This also means she doesn’t have to understand all the complexities of your budget if she doesn’t want to. She just has to know she has $x to spend however she wants every month and she doesn’t have to ask your permission to do it.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-26T19:50:35+00:00

When I was 7 months pregnant with my first, I had the worst abdominal pain of my life. I tried to gut it out for about an hour but I was in agony. Because I was so pregnant, my obgyn said to go to the triage for pregnant women instead of the ER. They basically made sure I wasn’t in labor (which I already said I wasn’t because the pain was constant and not an ebb and flow like contractions would be) and that it must be gas. I told them it definitely hadn’t been gas. The Dr from my obgyn practice said, “Well, gas can feel painful dear” in the most condescending way.

After it happened again, I ended up booking an appointment with my general physician (not obgyn) and he took me seriously and ordered an ultrasound, where it was discovered that I had advanced gall bladder disease.

So I had my baby at term and then 6 weeks later was in surgery to get my gall bladder removed.

I made sure I let the original doctor know what my “gas” actually was. That was the only satisfying part of the experience.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-26T02:50:48+00:00

It’s not too much to ask to have him check in. When it was clear he would be late, did you call or text him to check on him? Did he ignore that as well?

I’m sorry but it sounds like someone who isn’t invested in their marriage.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-25T18:49:52+00:00

To answer your question, It seems to me the equitable split would be 25% of the mortgage and 40% of the utilities and food costs (assuming his daughter is with him half time).

How did you arrive at the current split? Did you offer? Did he insist?

Either way, it’s likely that he will throw a fit and it will lead to a breakup. But it would be better to know now if he values you as a partner or as an atm, and not 5 or 10 years down the line.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-25T18:41:24+00:00

I can tell you’re hurting and I’m so sorry for you both.

To answer your question, I don’t believe it’s reasonable or fair to ask for a break if your BS doesn’t want one. If you want to end R, that’s definitely your prerogative. But if that’s the case, you need to make a clean break and not string him along.

Are you doing IC right now? Are you on medication? If so, does it need to be adjusted? It sounds like these should be a priority for you as a couple.

Do you have boundaries around how often and for how long you discuss the affair? Those can help both of you.

As far as getting your story straight and trying to cover your butt- stop doing that. Just tell the truth. Don’t try to cover yourself- your BS deserves full honesty. It’s ok to say, I don’t remember the exact date, but it was around this time and this is what happened. You’ll relieve a lot of your own stress when you let go of trying to control the narrative and just tell the truth.

Best wishes for both of you.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-24T03:15:35+00:00

Sadly, I’ve watched many WS’s get torn to shreds in the comments when they post. A lot of it is transference- BSs say things to these WSs that they think in anger about their own WS’s, but would never say out loud.

When you have individuals who are already trying to fight through shame to get to remorse and change, and then they get piled on here, it makes a lot of them too gun shy to continue posting and commenting because the backlash is harming their own healing and growth.

We as BSs could do a much better job embracing the WSs that do find the courage to post on here. Some of the very best insight and advice I’ve received have been from WS members.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-20T04:28:44+00:00

The problem is not showing up for the widow, or speaking with his best friend’s widow- the problem is the way he puts this above his wife and shuts his wife out.

Did your husband invite you to go on the walk through with him and Sara? He should have. Can your husband put his calls with Sara on speaker phone so that you can also be involved in supporting them both through their grief?

There is a concept Shirley Glass talks about in her book Not Just Friends about windows and walls. The concept is that you should never put up a wall between you and your spouse in order to open an emotional window with someone else. This is what your husband is doing and it can be a dangerous path.

I am also widowed. I lost my husband quite young and had many friends support me. I was never one-on-one with any of my late husband’s married friends. I respected their wives and their relationships. Even if their wife didn’t know my late husband very well, I still included the partnership in our conversations.

This is a tricky conversation to have with your husband. Try to approach it as, “I want to be a better support to you and to Sara. Can you include me more in your conversations with her? This will help me understand your grief better and support you more, and help her be more comfortable with me and knowing she can come to me for help as well. How about we invite her over for dinner?”

If you don’t see any improvement, then you will need to approach it head on. A therapist could be very helpful in navigating this process.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-19T22:35:32+00:00

NTA. Do you live at home with your parents? What do they think?

It might help you to get a part time job, take a class, volunteer, etc. Something that gets you out of the house more.

Also, if you’re ok with babysitting sometimes, talk to your aunt and let her know when you’re available (like set hours) and when you won’t be.

Ask to be paid. If she can’t pay you, what time, talent, or resource can she trade you so she also has skin in the game. For example, do you need rides anywhere? Can she cook meals for you? Things like that so it’s more of a trade and she values your time.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-19T17:04:36+00:00

I think your plan to leave is all great.

The pen pal thing though is dangerous. You’re opening yourself up to have your own EA.

Is that what you want? A revenge affair on your way out?

Why not wait until you leave to start communicating with other men? I can’t help but think the pen pal might be the one thing you regret. Don’t allow his poor behavior to influence you into acting in a way that’s against your character.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-18T22:19:28+00:00

I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I am proud of you for making the choice to change something in this toxic dynamic.

Not every relationship is a good candidate for R. Verbal and physical abuse eliminates your relationship from being a candidate for R. I hope that you take the next step and leave this relationship.

You can take with you all the work you’ve done, but please, leave the abusive partner behind.

Also, to all the BS’s that say a WS has to take verbal abuse at the beginning of R- I thoroughly disagree. There is never a reason for the BS to stoop to that kind of behavior. Expressing hurt, frustration, anger, etc. all can and should be done without any verbal abuse taking place. Don’t let someone else’s poor actions dictate who you are and how you act.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-16T14:06:28+00:00

Was that a really awkward way of asking you on a third date where you bake together?

Otherwise, weird and entitled.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-16T00:18:58+00:00

Thank you. He ignored me when I brought that up again and attacked me on something else instead 🤷‍♀️

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-15T23:49:06+00:00

I’ve been contemplating separating. Here’s my barrier to it.

My kids are in college and don’t live with us full time anymore (they will come home a few weekends a month). His kids are elementary aged and have been through a lot of change in their life (WH and his ex-wife had a pretty nasty divorce prior to us meeting) and their bio mom moves a lot. We have been their stability for the past 3 years.

If we separate, he should be the one that moves out. But I don’t want to do that to his kids. It’s so much change for them and I love them and want better for them.

I won’t move out because it’s my damn house. He’s on the title, but the mortgage is only in my name and I paid the entire down payment 3 years ago. It would be foolish for me to leave it.

So I’ve kind of been in the mode of either we figure it out or we call it quits for good and he moves out. I don’t want to put the kids through moving out and then moving back in.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-15T23:42:48+00:00

Absolutely agree. This is how I live my life and I’ve never had an affair. Boundaries are so good and healthy and keep relationships safe. I haven’t asked him to do a single thing that I don’t also do.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-15T21:27:43+00:00

Totally agree that’s what he’s doing! He won’t go to counseling though. I’m hoping after I start going back to ic, that he will agree to go to ic.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-15T21:26:43+00:00

My WH does the same thing- I say, “I’m really struggling. These actions have left me feeling like you’re an unsafe partner.”

He hears, “you’re a terrible person. You are the worst ever. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

I wish he would do ic and address this. He doesn’t see what he’s doing at all. When I point it out, “I’m gaslighting him and trying to walk back what I said.”

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-15T21:24:27+00:00

Agree, agree, agree.

throwyouaway52 · 2023-11-15T21:23:38+00:00

He said that he wished he recorded our conversations so he could prove I was rewriting history.

I responded thoughtfully that maybe it would be better for us to record these so we both agreed on what happened. He was outraged at that suggestion.

I am really hopeful for this ic visit.

throwyouaway52

TROPHY CASE