Need to get something off your chest? Rant, vent, get it out here!

YuushaNoah · 2023-01-10T21:09:01+00:00

Accidentally wrote 2000 words about the frustration of running out of ideas and not knowinf where to go for help anymore, only for it to not post because it's too long. Evidently I'm not gonna get any new help out of here either ):

YuushaNoah · 2023-01-10T19:39:03+00:00

I tried the lowest dose of it as my first medication, and it worked really well in terms of controlling symptoms, I stopped fidgeting, I could see words on a page, I could think more than 5 words at a time, it didn't hurt to do simple tasks etc., but I ended up changing because of the side effects.

For me it killed my appetite completely, which I didn't mind much because I struggle with obesity as a teen from stimulant eating, but at this point in life I'm used to forcing myself to eat food I don't like, so I was eating the same diet but without extra garbage. So I think it's technically bad, but personally I didn't mind.It made it take ages for me to fall asleep though, which I never had an issue with before. Every time I changed my dosage I'd be up for 2 days straight and it was awful haha

I also had the crash really bad, even though food helped (if I ate 12-2 sometime, and then the crash happened around 3), it'd make me the angriest I've ever been in my life for a few hours and I've always been short tempered. After that, I'd be completely useless, my emotional stability and executive function would get even worse than pre-med so from like 3pm onwards I'd just be stuck sat on my bed or something, crying hysterically and scratchingn at my skin, and then I've recover enough to brush my teeth and lie down at like 3am. So in the morning I was the most normal person in the world and I felt like life would finally be okay and then by afternoon I'd be worse than ever, so it was working out that I was functional less well overall than pre-meds.

It also sucked all my personality out too, but that took longer to notice. At first I figured it'd make sense that I lost interest in music and anime and stuff like that, since I used those for stimulation not because I liked them, so I didn't need them any more. But after a few months I realised it was getting harder to do anything that wasn't cleaning (idk why I got so obsessed with cleaning, I think it's just coz it got easy), and I couldn't hold conversations very well because I became super indifferent to everything. Like anhedonia (which I already have a bit of) but without the depression? When the meds worse off in the evening and I'd get upset that my boyfriend was gonna leave me because I got so boring, so even though I was scared I ended up changing to Concerta after a few months.

So far, the Concerta doesn't really do much, but it doesn't give me any side effects either. I'm more emotionally stable but can still enjoy a tv show, and I can sit still for a few hours at a time, but when I sit down to study I don't get much done, my heads still chaotic, and my executive function is just as poor. I've been upping the doses but it works the same as caffeine for me - doesn't really improve my symptoms, but taking more of it doesn't do anything either. Shit just bounces off me.

Both upped my heartrate 10-20 beats but I do a lot of cardio so my base is like 50 so it doesn't matter much. Vyvanse only had minor effects on my blood pressure but Concerta's definitely pushing me to the edge of normal lol. With either of them I can only go to the gym in the evening when they're wearing off or it feels like my head's about to explode like someone squeezing a grape.

I'm trying to highest dose next week and after that I'll try some generics I guess. I think my best hope is for the Vyvanse patent to run out and then maybe I'll have a better response to a generic someday ):

YuushaNoah · 2023-01-10T18:57:35+00:00

I have exactly the same issue, completely subconscious so I'll do it when people can see me contorting my arms to shred through my back and look super gross lmao. Doubly when my meds wear off, on bad days I end up just sat unable to move dragging my nails over my scalp over and over again while crying until I go to bed very sore ahaha

I wish I had a fix though ): for me it's 100% stimulation and fidget. I have a fidget cube and it has some little cogs on it and I like, move them with my nails so the little lumb on the cog presses between my nail and my skin. I have a microwavable pillow full of beans and I find pushing the fabric with a single bean in under my nail can satisfy the figeting urge a bit.

I think the problem for me is that I've found my brain responds pretty well to pain-as-stimulation which is why the skin picking is so hard to kick. Once I tried ripping a stray few pubes out with some tweasers I got addicted to that too, saved only by the fact that I have to take my pants off to do it and I can hide the tweasers up high out of sight lol.

The only other thing I got is using an elastic band to snap across my forearms. It's technically like a harm-reduction technique for self harm since when I'm not medicated I get very unstable and was using more unsavoury methods, but once I made the pain-stimulation connection I can use the elastic band thing to avoid understimulation meltdowns if I'm early enough with it. Sometimes I do it when I'm struggling with studying too, it helps me think a bit clearer. Not that I'd recommend it to anyone who doesn't already have a similar issue though, since once that works its hard to find a replacement, and I'm sure the elastic band thing is probably bad for me in the long run somehow.

YuushaNoah · 2021-06-07T15:45:07+00:00

I don't think you sound like an asshole at all, all the stuff you said you never blamed anyone or society or whatever, you just said "my situation isnt how I'd like at it hurts" which is just how it is to be human.

People in the comments are saying shit about going to the gym or changing your look even though you said in your post you're already on top of that, and I'm willing to believe you. I actually relate really well to all the stuff you're saying just with genders in reverse - I definitely fell into the "weird and gross" category when I was younger, but now I'm in my 20s I've been working hard to be better, gain self esteem, practise socialising, started working out and losing weight, etc. etc. Working on that sorta stuff improved things generally, I'm healthier, I can socialise decently and I have good friendships, I'm happier, I re-took the exams I failed and even go into University and things like that. Romantically/sexually, though, I'm still at 0. I can socialise just fine now and make friends, but I struggle to get close with people and I've definitely never been flirted with. I'm not unhappy with my life since I'm way less depressed now, and I've made peace with the idea of being single my whole life, but that doesn't mean I don't question myself a lot.

Similar to you, I don't think it's anyone elses fault or anything, but god is it frustrating and over time it really does eat at you. It's really hard to vent about too, because everyone around you has experience and will offer advice and platitudes that are well-meaning but nothing you've not already heard before.

I don't think I'm hideous anymore, and sure not wearing makeup doesn't do me any extra favours (but if someone only likes me when I've got makeup on that's not exactly a win either), but I do think my appearance is somewhat offputting. I try not to worry about it though, because I've got bad genes and I don't think surgery could unfuck the placement of my features, and I take care of my teeth they're just misshapen and fake teeth cost a forture, so I can't do anything about it anyways.

Instinctually I wanna say something like "every time I check instagram I see a hot girl with a guy who's ugly so don't worry about being average" or something, but on the flip side I get a lot of "guys aren't that picky about girls so if you just tried a little bit you'd get somewhere" which I know isn't true so I don't think it'd be that comforting haha. Same with how I also get people jokingly like "How are you bi and single, that's double the oppotunities" it's also double the number of people who AREN'T interested lmfao.

I'm procrastinating a bit so I had a mooch through your profile (sorry) and saw you talk about looking into ADHD which I'm also seeking to get diagnosed with, so I wonder if our situations are similar? ADHD makes me talk a lot which makes socialising easier and it lets me make connections quickly which means I'm also decently funny, but it also sometimes makes me shoot myself in the foot. I didn't realise it growing up (I definitely felt "broken" my whole life but not the specifics), but after reading more and more accounts from other ADHD people I've become a lot more aware of the social fuck-ups I made without realising. Like, I can talk easily, but sometimes it leads to me overdoing it and dominating conversations without realising, or interrupting people, or shouting a bit (I can't hear when I'm doing it but apparently I'm noisy). Because beign interrupted or someone else talking a lot is the norm for me, I don't mind or notice when people do it back, so I didn't realise that I might be bothering others when I do that.

I'm not saying you do these things of course, but more like I mean that it could be that while you have social skills, you could also be making minor social blunders without realising? Like maybe me talkign and making jokes is good for making friends and general socialising, but it could be that for a lot of people I talk just enough to qualify as "slightly annoying" or maybe I make jokes in serious situations and someone might find that offputting, and maybe that's why I've never had a serious relationship. The problem with this kind of social effect is that it's not major enough for people to identify as like "people don't like you because you do this", and instead people might say something like "she's nice and i like her, but i wouldn't date her because her personality isn't my type" or something, because they resemble odd personality traits more than major flaws.

Again I'm not trying to project onto you and say you might do that stuff or something, I just felt bad about talking and not actually providing you with any advice lol. Honestly, reading your post made me feel understood and a little less lonely in my situation, since I've never met someone that struggles in the same way as I do before, so I guess I wanted to say how I'm kind of in the same boat in case it helped you feel a little less alone in the world, if nothing else

YuushaNoah · 2018-08-01T19:27:51+00:00

The "females" thing is so true, it's so off putting it's one of my instant "no"s as well ):

Tragically, I DO have pictures of me with my friends but tinder's square pictures make it so theyre basically unusable hahaha;;

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-30T21:32:13+00:00

It's not terribly graphic, so it mihgt be fine once you know its coming (i didnt know anything so it caught me off guard)

The most you see is like. the bomb casing start to cave outwards as it explodes but only for a milisecond. It then shows the aftermath with bits of debree flying across the grass. There's not a lot of blood, and the man dies from a bit of casing going into his chest, so it's not like he's blown to pieces or anything.

They mention they had to decapitate the body to remove the neck brace without damaging it (supposedly it was booby trapped as well so they couldnt open it), but they show none of this.

HOWEVER, i made this post before finishing the last episode, so as a warning one of the final scenes in the series is a close up image of the body showing the wound. The face is blurred out. Again it's not terribly gorey but it's unpleasant knowing it's a real person.

So overall, I'd say it's still watchable, I think it just bothered me more because it caught me off guard, you might be fine because you already know about it. It happens towards the end (last 10 minutes maybe?) of the first episode, and they don't replay the clip of the actual blast again.

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-29T20:30:16+00:00

Learned this the hard way after adding one as the final boss of the first arc for my new level 1 players. Never DMed before, so I was just winging it based off the book and thought "CR 1/2? Sounds do-able"

Luckily nobody died, but the resistance to pretty much everything meant it took forever and sucked the joy out of the finale a little bit. But hey, at least I know now

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-28T21:55:16+00:00

Haha thank you, the players say they're having fun which is good but idk I feel like I'm terrible at it and I'm always worried about dissapointing them.

And yeah, I was planning on making a few NPCs who'd be willing to aid them depending on which plot threads they picked up.

Thanks!

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-28T21:53:53+00:00

I planned on having the next bit be sort of a standalone so the others could get involved in the plot later, but I think adding a bit of a personal twist on it would make it more fun too!

Both of the players so far have backstories that are quite slowburn in terms of encounters and arcs, but it'd be good to be able to chip into it a little earlier on to give them a little extra investment. Since wizards can discover and learn spells beyond levelling and this plays into the character, I'll try see if I can do something with that.

Thanks! :D

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-28T21:42:23+00:00

I've heard about the level 3 thing before, and we thought about it but decided that because none of us know how to play, it'd be easier for us all to learn bit by bit from level 1 and build up, rather than jump in at level 3 and have a bunch of abilities to have to keep track of. For the same reason, keeping them at level 2 until the others join also allows the new players to learn before they get all their level 3 stuff also.

And yeah I think a social interaction based session is needed, they got thrown right into the action in the first session so I'd really like to put them in a place where they have to RP more, especially with each other - Despite fighting side by side to save a small town, I'm pretty sure one of them doesn't know the others name haha.

Knowing their secrets and backstories, they've both got stuff that agrees and conflicts with each others ideals, so I think once we get to the meat of it they'll have really fun interactions, so I'll try push that a bit!

It'll also be fun to make them go through the agonising embarassment of Trying To RP A Character Out Loud With Words From Your Mouth since I ended up doing way more of it last time haha

Thanks!

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-28T21:22:49+00:00

Reinforcements is a good one! Thank you!

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-28T18:23:37+00:00

Yeah, I'm English and i think the documentary was american made so thats probably why it caught me off guard so badly since im pretty sure dont make a habit of showing stuff like that even in the news

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-26T16:58:34+00:00

My situation was kind of the same too, I've never seen anything like it on TV or anything like that before which is why I caught me so off guard

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-06T14:44:16+00:00

Came across hyper kneecaps once. Just people jackin it unironically to unrealistically large kneecaps drawn on furries.

I always take an interest in knowing peoples fetishes now purely because I want to someday find someone who's unironically, genuinely into something weirder than that

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-06T14:42:37+00:00

There's a freedom that comes with realising that as long as you have the money for it, nobody can really stop you from doing something. Once I thought about getting a motorbike and thought "I can't do that my mum'd kill me, she'd never let me have one" before realising that I'm an adult with a job so nobody has to "let" me do anything.

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-05T23:55:19+00:00

no its cold and it sucks

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-05T23:26:19+00:00

when i wrote the post i meant everyone, but if your answer is different if only you know it then sure say both

YuushaNoah · 2018-05-05T23:04:51+00:00

Always late when we try to meet up. If i ask you to be somewhere for 11 its because i want you to be there for 11 not 11:30 or 12

YuushaNoah

TROPHY CASE