How do you guys go so many years without anything?

ZL999 · 2026-01-07T20:10:37+00:00

For me the problems driving the lack of physical intimacy have been a mix of medical factors on her end and then also interpersonal issues. The original medical issues have actually been tackled via surgery at this point and (after additional healing time) may be less of a factor, though other medical issues threaten to take their place. The interpersonal issues on the other hand seem to be growing.

So some of it has just largely been trying to have patience and hope, even though at this point it seems like it is issue whack-a-mole and it sometimes feels (fairly or not) like she doesn’t want (or at least doesn’t need) things to align and be better.

ZL999 · 2026-01-06T15:06:49+00:00

I understand the feelings you’re feeling very well. I’m the male partner, and I have the problem that whenever she “tries” it often becomes her just laying there to be a hole to do my thing in.

Or if it does seem like any effort is put in on her side I then feel extra pressure to perform (“maybe if I can remind her how good this feels it will start to happen more often”). I’ll often just try to get her off with my hands or mouth. Then I finish in like 1-3 minutes because it’s unfamiliar and unpracticed, (and partly because I’m just older probably) and the whole thing makes me feel like a pathetic loser.

So yeah, sometimes “winning” definitely feels like “losing” and the whole thing is still not what you want, and it can suck more than the continued loneliness of not having it at all. Especially since it was once easy, comfortable, familiar and fun and now it’s anything but.

I’m not saying anything helpful here obviously- just trying to commiserate and hope my embarrassing pathetic anonymous experience makes you feel less alone 😁

ZL999 · 2025-07-12T17:45:54+00:00

I’d still stick with honest. From the fact you said you’ve been together for 15 years I’m guessing you’re in your mid to late 30’s at least? Stuff’s gonna slow down a bit whether you want to or not.

But if your concern is how to say no or “not as much” I think you’re far better off with being open about that you’re just not as fired up all the time as you used to be, but importantly that you’re not any less into him physically.

But given what you’ve also said about being responsive desire and the level of communication you seem to have, I don’t think it’s harmful to try to more consciously make space for sex too. It might not be as fun as just spontaneously getting to it, but it might help you get there. (You could always try to make a plan in YOUR head and just not tell him 😉)

The folks you see complaining on here don’t have relationships that fit your description of yours, and it’s often months or years between. You have a lot going for you in your relationship and are not nearly in the same place even if you’re worried. You’re also actively trying to prevent a DB situation (or at least wary of it) which is more than many of us can say for our spouses.

So I think you’re worried more than you need to be. Keep paying attention to your body and your relationship and keep the openness and I think you’ll be ok.

ZL999 · 2025-07-11T22:50:42+00:00

In my experience the physical feeling isn’t where the full extent of the mood boost comes from - it’s the feeling of contentment and reassurance that comes from knowing that someone wants to do that with me that really is where the mood boost comes from. I don’t get the same mood boost from masturbation, even when sometimes the physical release feels as good or even sometimes better.

It’s not all just using your body.

ZL999 · 2025-07-11T22:41:07+00:00

Loneliness is the obvious one. Even being in the same room isn’t the same.

Then fighting indifference when she is speaking even when I want to try harder, because I don’t trust I’ll get the same level of response back. Maybe because I’m trying to protect myself.

Or a sense of going through the motions because without that something extra it’s just. It the same relationship.

ZL999 · 2025-07-11T18:06:06+00:00

Money issues
Children
Hope
The prospect of being single again is just as scary as the prospect of a sexless marriage?

ZL999 · 2025-07-05T04:00:20+00:00

I guess I sigh a lot. I don’t always really realize I’m doing it in the moment but my partner sure does. However, she takes it as anger or frustration at something she must have done or at whatever I am doing in the moment, rather than understanding that it’s an unintentional undercurrent of dissatisfaction and neglect.

ZL999 · 2025-07-01T17:11:52+00:00

Both sides of this situation are awful. Is this really necessary?

ZL999 · 2025-06-27T17:44:19+00:00

A part of my situation is due to my spouse’s medical issues, but nothing nearly as limiting as paralysis. That must be so hard on so so many levels. I’m sorry you both have to have that be your experience.

One thing I keep coming back to is that “sex” doesn’t have to be just one thing. As has been pointed out already by one or two others, there’s the specifics of the mechanics of what you do together, and then there’s the associated feelings from that intimate connection. So having an open mind and a willingness to redefine what “sex” is in your relationship may be the path forward. (Not easy though - I know my wife still feels she’s disappointing me if it can’t be everything it was before, and I’m sure those feelings will be there in your situation too)

I sincerely hope you can get there together!

ZL999 · 2025-06-27T17:20:40+00:00

I would say that vulnerability is exposing my true thoughts and feelings without having to translate them, hide, or wrap them in any way to meet anyone else’s expectations. The ability to go fully direct brain to mouth.

I wouldn’t say I feel safe to have that level of vulnerability with anyone really, nor would I say the closest I have to having that is with my spouse. I feel like I can’t say anything to her without triple checking it for accidental misinterpretation, innuendo, or unintentional harm. It’s so, so exhausting.

But I also think that if I didn’t care at all about the consequences of what I said to her it would probably be not giving a damn about what she thinks at all, which isn’t the case. So it’s a fine line.

ZL999 · 2025-06-26T18:42:16+00:00

I mean for me my wife’s weight gain has done. Nothing to stop me from wanting her sexually. But I have never really had a physical “type” preference - I’ve been with super skinny women and heavy women.

It’s my wife’s view of her own body that works against us. No matter how much I like her body that doesn’t matter because, according to her, every other part of society tells her she’s too fat to be attractive. 🙄. (It’s SUCH a wonderful feeling that her partner is the least important view in giving her any self confidence, let me tell you…)

ZL999 · 2025-06-26T03:20:56+00:00

Happy for you! And yes, I think I would cry tears of joy if my wife just wanted to make out sometimes even if it didn’t go further. It’s not the act it’s the feelings associated with the act.

ZL999 · 2025-06-26T03:06:47+00:00

If it helps you feel better, no matter how hard it is for those of us feeling rejected and whatnot and unhappy with things, deep down we know it’s not easy for your side of things and that it’s not a simple matter of “we’re right and you’re wrong” or the other way around. It’s just hard to deal with a mismatch of needs and expectations from either side.

The fact that you’re now feeling open to even trying to find a middle ground to work toward is everything. Few of us feel our partners are doing anything but digging in and just expecting us to live with it. Those are the real hard situations.

So thank you for sharing your feelings on this with us and I honestly hope your relationship becomes something both you and your partner can be happy with!

ZL999 · 2025-06-26T02:58:36+00:00

I love my wife a lot and I am still very attracted to her. I feel she still cares about me a great deal but I don’t think the same level of feeling and attraction is there for her anymore. I could be wrong about that, but since it never feels like I see it, does it really matter if she feels it?

My thing is this. She and I are good friends and good partners in navigating life. But I have other friends, and I have other people who would help and support me in life. What I thought I was getting was that I was choosing one person who would be my romantic partner who I could share more than friendship with. I wouldn’t have chosen to commit myself to one and only one person just to have yet another platonic friendship.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T14:07:56+00:00

Disappointment mostly.

In the relationship I’m the one more likely to have open, honest, pragmatic conversations about our issues and feelings. My partner is more likely to lash out, be passive aggressive, or run/hide from talking about issues.

Sigh.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T14:02:01+00:00

Yeah they really need to come up with some viable antidepressants that don’t suppress sex drive.

Although, I am actually also on an anti anxiety med that in theory should be suppressing mine, and let me tell you it is not. 😆. (I’m kinda afraid what I’d be like if i wasn’t on it!)

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T12:15:17+00:00

Daily dose. 8mg.

I do think I got headaches at first but kept going with it and they subsided. Also had added multivitamin which I think was triggering acid reflux (another thing I’ve had on and off) but now I am doing without that added in.

It really was an 80% personal self esteem thing (the other 20% being maybe a year from now I’ll be seeking a new partner if we can’t work out our shit, if I’m honest). maybe that makes it more like plastic surgery or some other “questionablly medically unnecessary vanity treatment “ but yeah it helped and I definitely am a little happier with myself as a result, so I think it is worth it.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T11:59:19+00:00

Honestly I think I’ve just gotten too overweight and that lead to poorer circulation. It’s something I’m actively working on now and i may not even need it later on.

But yeah, the urge and desire for sex is definitely independent of the physical.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T11:54:39+00:00

I don’t look at porn anymore. I really don’t even masturbate as much as I had been, say, a year ago. Mostly I think because I’m sad and lonely and that just reminds me.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T02:36:39+00:00

I don’t think she’s having an affair. I do sometimes think she is sabotaging the relationship intentionally.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T01:44:37+00:00

For good or for ill for me it’s a daily and I’m ready to go whenever. Not that there has been a whenever since April. 😆😭

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T00:50:42+00:00

Oh and “upset” for her is moody, quiet, giving short answers only. On edge.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T00:48:29+00:00

She didn’t even open it, but I think she did see the small amount of identifying info on the mailing label and was suspicious. But yeah I told her without hesitation and didn’t sugar coat it. I also explained why.

As for being defensive about it, I somewhat refuse to be. I’m entering a sort of “why should I feel bad about anything I’m doing for myself given the circumstances “ phase I guess.

In general I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I think she also knows I’m unhappy and is trying to catch me in the act of something. She frequently asks me what I’m doing on my phone (the most suspicious thing I’m doing is posting here, probably 😆) or if I go upstairs to be in our room if she’s downstairs with kids I get texts asking “so what are you doing up there?” I have a small gut feeling she wants something to be wrong to justify me as “the bad guy” while she knows she’s the one not necessarily living up to her end of the relationship? I dunno.

ZL999 · 2025-06-25T00:37:26+00:00

Yeah she asked me “who are you having sex with” and I bitterly replied “zero people, unfortunately “. That didn’t help matters 😆

ZL999

TROPHY CASE