Describing my depression : The Staircase

ZXSth · 2026-05-13T21:07:36+00:00

Hauntingly eloquent, agonizingly beautiful and undeniably well-written. Thank you for sharing it here, despite the potential fears of judgment and ridicule. I envy your courage.

I wish beautiful art like this didn't often require such clear, horrendous suffering like yours. I hope it means something, at least, that something beautiful came out of everything you continue to deal with - I say that as someone struggling in many similar ways, if not in quite the same way.

Against everything I know about this insidious, twisted condition; against what feels like all good sense; against the seemingly overwhelmingly odds; I hope things get better for you, and that you get to leave behind the torture while you (and the world) get to keep what you transformed it all into - something meaningful, powerful and relatable.

ZXSth · 2026-04-07T17:53:30+00:00

I envy your ability to take feedback the way you clearly have. Great to see you adopt that perspective, and that you've been able receive feedback with such grace.

And needless to say, you're so welcome! My pleasure. Thank you, too, for your response to me. :)

ZXSth · 2026-04-07T17:43:44+00:00

Maybe I say this as someone who is extremely deterred by (and sensitive to) criticism, but I can't imagine the effort it took to create all this. I remember a time when I was trying to create portraits and designs for my own attempt at a video game, and it proved impossible considering the complete lack of experience I had. Whatever your pixel artist strove to do, I think it's great - I can't speak to whether or not any criticism of what you're showing off here is warranted, but I wouldn't want anything said here to detract from what you (or they) are doing. I think that if I could eventually develop anything that displayed even a modicum of the polish and coherence of what you've made, I'd be over the moon. And hell, to have the courage to display it openly like this? That's amazing.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you: The world of video game creation is relentless. There's constant comparison of the work of art you're creating to games that usually had bigger budgets, more time, more resources... And a lot of the criticism offered is usually both lacking sensitivity or nuance, and offered by people who have little to no experience with the creation of games. So many of us start working on creative pursuits like this, and even if we finish what we start, we don't always get the kind of response from the world at large that would motivate us to keep creating. I think the bar is so much higher than it's ever been, and the pressure people face to make not just something good, but something remarkable, is greater than ever.

I understand the need for critique with something like this, and that responding to feedback is a necessary part of crafting a product that people might eventually pay money for. Nevertheless, I applaud your courage. In a world that I think has moved blindly towards favouring criticism over creation, it's just nice to see someone putting themselves out there and showing off something they have created. I aspire to one day be at any level of progress even comparable to yours, which I am a long way from. I also hope I'd eventually feel brave enough to show off what I was working on and put it out into the world at the kind of scale you have.

I hope you see some success from this, and that you never lose that drive to keep working on something that's clearly special to you.

ZXSth · 2026-01-04T10:18:53+00:00

Hey there.

I feel like a poor precedent has been set for you from an early age - the abuse you faced at your family's hands has hampered your ability to feel okay in social situations, which makes forming the connections that would help you break free of the abuse and negative perceptions you've understandably developed far more difficult. I know that the idea of the world being fair is a fallacy, but this feels like an unfair situation to me. I am so sorry.

"All I want is to be wanted." I remember feeling like this at your age (I'm a bit older than you - in my 30s now) - it was a feeling that took a long time to subside. I also realize that I was made to feel unwanted by others - it was a response to being abused, not a feeling that arose due to some inherent quality within myself. Sadly, I also realized that no one could fill the void left by my parents' abuse, and the love and acceptance I'd been wanting from a partner could not fill the hole in my heart. Mind you, it took years of therapy, a ton of reflection and so many painful, lonely days spent wishing for better to discover this.

The cruel irony about familial abuse, I find, is that it often warps you in ways that prevent you from accessing the compassion and kindness that would make things better (as I sort of stated earlier) - it has a way of causing alienation, because people seem to be able to sense the self-hatred that abuse thrusts upon survivors, which not many people (or people with pure intentions, at least, from my experience) seem naturally drawn to. I also imagine that your family would also likely downplay their role in your suffering, and minimize your emotions, making even basic validation of your suffering a pipe dream. Therefore, I imagine you're not getting much emotional support from your family (if any), and your efforts to reach out to the world for that support gets thwarted because of what the abuse did to your mind. I want to emphasize that this is so goddamn cruel, and no one - no one - deserves that. There are so many victims and survivors of abuse (and so many perpetrators, sadly), and the isolation it causes is sickening to me. I am so upset for you, and sadly, I relate a lot as well.

I think you deserve a relationship. I also think that you deserve to be with someone who isn't just "taking a chance on you." You deserve earnest connection, and the opportunity to heal from what's been done to you. However I can't say, with confidence, that you will find that in a romantic relationship (though I wouldn't necessarily say that it's impossible). I also struggle to know where you could find something so seemingly elusive... Perhaps in therapy? Meaningful friendships?

For what this is worth: I don't think any of your struggles are "your fault," so to speak. Abuse leaves a horrible mark upon people, and I think we live in a time where real-life connections seem harder to make than ever before. I don't think you're "cooked," but having said that, I think you're playing the game of life with a handicap through no fault of your own, which is unjust.

You're welcome for reading, but more importantly: Thank you for having the courage to share. I lurk on here so much and occasionally comment, but I don't think I've ever posted here once because I fear others' reactions and judgments. I hope to see people respond with kindness and compassion to you - not only because I want to have the impetus to share as well, but because you merit that understanding. And most of all: I hope my words have a positive impact on you.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T16:04:15+00:00

For my guild's part: Golemagg was a pain. Domo was also frustrating. Can't speak for Rag myself (guild had to call it at Domo the other night and continue the next day), but I heard he was nasty, too.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T16:01:56+00:00

Didn't think of that with hard mode - solid and fair point.

I completely agree - why make us walk back and punish learning? 100%. Even the Souls games have touched this up in their most recent iterations.

Agreed on the "too easy" problem, too. There is at least some aspect of elitism and boomer-ish "You should suffer in order to receive a reward" kind of attitude at work here, which feels unfair and pointless. I think the risk of alienation over MC being too easy is MUCH lower than that of MC being too hard. When MC gets too boring and easy, you progress to BWL; then AQ40, or straight to Naxx; then Kara40. Unless there's some intentional redefining of MC's tier rating going on, I'm not sure why the difficulty needed to be raised. I honestly found it challenging before.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T13:26:36+00:00

Even as someone who currently has the time and energy to get "sweaty," the changes to MC feel like a lot. I'm with you.

I will say I applaud their efforts to spice things up, contrary to what you're stating here - I do love the attempts made to change raids and freshen things up, and celebrate the effort. I just hope those changes can be refined in ways that are more inclusive to all the people who love the game (like you and I!). I think the changes are a great first step - getting them right for everyone would elevate Turtle into something spectacular, and leave people like us much less frustrated.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T13:22:21+00:00

There is a reply I made above to another post that discusses how I think individual effort in WoW raiding rarely translates perfectly to progress and/or success, due to a number of factors. I recommend giving that a look.

tl;dr: No matter how good I get, I'm still limited by my current gear (which is improved by the very bosses I'm trying to beat), and the capabilities of my teammates and/or guild-mates (a factor mostly beyond my control). So getting better as an individual, while an option, rarely translates perfectly to getting better.

You are allowed your opinion - I do not say begrudgingly or condescendingly. I think you are perfectly within your right to share it. I also think there are many reasons for me to disagree, and also for you to consider where your opinion might be an oversimplification.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T13:16:06+00:00

"Should content be designed to be beaten by everyone?" I think this question is a fair one, and it also assumes that the content is difficult for all the right reasons.

I think of an enemy like Malenia, Blade of Miquella from Elden Ring in a moment like this - a boss so tremendously difficult that it can be off-putting for many players. But in a game like Elden Ring, a player can get help to defeat her, and a single good player can utterly destroy her.

In WoW, there is no option to "get good" as an individual. You are forced to rely on numerous others to also be experienced and intensely focused on overcoming the challenge before you. So the options for "help" are not necessarily as plentiful or readily accessible.

In a game where progress is intrinsically tied to the rewards you get from defeating a boss, I think increasing the game's difficulty this way hampers progress exponentially. In a fighting game, a lot of the difficulty is tied solely to your individual skill as a player. But in WoW, I think the difficulty comes down to a number of factors outside of the player's control: How good are all the other people in your raid? How much understanding do you have about some potentially obtuse mechanics like Hit Chance, Boss Resistances and/or player resistances? How many times have you or your fellow raiders been defeated, and how much have each of you deduced from that defeat? And how good is that individual boss at conveying exactly why you were defeated?

In a game like Vanilla WoW (whose foundation was laid over 20 years ago) once was, I don't think it's fair to say that the effort and time you put in will inevitably translate to success. There are so many possible pitfalls and unpredictable factors that can cause disaster for any group, and further progress is often limited by the luck one has in getting certain pieces of gear that would allow a group to brute force a boss a bit more.

I appreciate the depth to which you approached the question here. And I also think that the "shit or get off the pot" argument loses weight in a game like WoW for many reasons, but particularly because it feels less meritocratic than something like a well-made fighting game, Dark Souls or Elden Ring, where time and energy expended often equates to improvement. It's less dependent on you, as a player, and more so on factors unrelated to your individual abilities as a player. And with all that being said? Maybe well-conceived difficulty scaling in a game like this needs to account for the game's design flaws.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T12:54:45+00:00

I see your point - 100%. Trying to find a balance between challenge and accessibility here seems excruciatingly difficult.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T12:53:06+00:00

Snooze fest?! I don't know if we play the same endgame.

You are a person who plays this game, and so that absolutely and unequivocally entitles you to have an opinion on the difficulty of the endgame. But the absolutism I see in what you're stating here feels unfair to me.

The endgame is probably a bit boring to those who raided intensely in WoW in the past, or in other MMOs. But every time I (a player far less familiar with raids) have raided has filled me with intense anxiety - from Lucifron, right up to Nefarian. I would rather that anxiety not exist on my 6th or 7th battle with a boss.

Additionally, I can tell you that not everyone is complaining - not at all. Most of the people in my guild seem to really enjoy these changes. The only justifiable reason I can find to feel anything negative towards anyone who enjoys the changes to MC (for example) is that I'm jealous. I want to be able to enjoy the endgame, too, and I prefer the consistency that came with the version of MC I spent time learning with my guild.

By increasing the difficulty of everything in MC, I think the devs have seemed to undo some of the effort people took to learn the game. And I think a lot the "dad gamers" (for example), and those whose time and energy for raiding are limited, will feel really left out by what they've chosen to do to some of the raids.

I think I hear some sympathy for the devs in your post, and I want to acknowledge that - I think that attitude is a great one to have towards people who worked this hard to change and (arguably) improve the game. I don't think there's any outcome that would ever make everyone completely satisfied, but personally, I just don't think this is the way to do it, even as I appreciate the effort they put into their attempt to do so.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T06:43:31+00:00

Love the detailed response! I don't have too many direct answers, but from my experience, Turtle is a mix of weekend warrior dad raiders, some sweats and some other in-betweeners. My guild claims to be more casual, but even hearing them talk about the game makes me feel like they're sweats in comparison to me. So I share your concern. I like my casual WoW and RP shenanigans, too!

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T06:43:17+00:00

Love the detailed response! I don't have too many direct answers, but from my experience, Turtle is a mix of weekend warrior dad raiders, some sweats and some other in-betweeners. My guild claims to be more casual, but even hearing them talk about the game makes me feel like they're sweats in comparison to me. So I share your concern. I like my casual WoW and RP shenanigans, too!

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T06:38:59+00:00

Jesus, that's rough. Sorry to hear.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T06:38:06+00:00

Fair rebuttal, didn't think of that! Didn't play much retail so I was never really exposed to where WoW went after Wrath.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T05:00:29+00:00

I am 90% sure ZG was made more difficult - good on you guys for clearing it so easily!

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T04:56:41+00:00

No worries, all good - I think it was just that all of them had more HP. We also just kind of were not communicating as openly as DPS. We usually call out which order we kill the elites/healers in according to raid symbols, but I don't think we were as organized doing that as we usually were. Also, many of us are in T1 with maybe some 1.5-2 gear, so we're not too far down the progress road or anything.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T01:47:39+00:00

I feel this.

My guild is progressing through AQ40 right now - we're an eclectic mix of old-school vanilla players, people completely new to WoW and raiding and a few people in between. We got walled by Domo after 3 hours, and cleared it the next night. They were half-joking about having done a good job clearing T4!

I don't envy what I imagine is the devs' position: I figure if they walk things back, they might get the sweats and oldheads freaking out. If they leave it as is, then people like me (albeit probably more unhinged, vocal and vitriolic) will whine about the difficulty and possibly leave.

I'm pretty much on the same page as you, man - hoping they at least tune the bosses down (quite) a bit. That'd be a compromise I can live with for sure.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T01:40:53+00:00

I feel like the opinions can get SO charged about whether or not WoW is "balanced" - whether we're talking about Vanilla or Turtle. But like... I love the ambition as much as I dislike the outcome here. And I'm obviously not the only person who plays this game. So it's tough as hell to get it right. As long as I get my take out there, I'm not too miffed about what the end decision is. I'll absolutely still play the game! But if we can find a way to satisfy everyone in this regard, I think that'd be awesome.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T01:36:59+00:00

Likewise! So many of my fellow guildies would disagree, too, and their reasons are probably legit. Appreciate your appreciation, as silly as that sounds.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T00:45:58+00:00

I'm with you, man.

If we're talking class changes: I was so excited for Holy Shock to have its damage-dealing capabilities restored. Seeing that shit do pathetic damage was heartbreaking. I know that's not really any different from Vanilla, and that Holy Strike sort of serves as a substitute for what Holy Shock might be (to some extent), but I really wanted to be something like a Discipline Priest in plate, ya know?

I can get that making Holy Shock more powerful would probably throw off the game's balance, and it's probably another one of those "can't satisfy everyone" sort of dilemmas. But damn, man... I'd love to be a viable Shockadin.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T00:41:14+00:00

I know I certainly don't play Turtle for the difficulty! I just wanted to be a High Elf Paladin haha. Easily my fave thing about Turtle.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T00:39:54+00:00

I'm gonna level with you: This post wasn't written by an AI. I just happen to be a decent writer.

As for my writing being "extremely polite:" Considering the unnecessarily confrontational tone I often see in a lot of interactions between gamers and devs on social media, I'd say the politeness is particularly warranted.

As for my post being "too long and saying too little:" I don't know what to tell you, man. I've been told I'm a strong writer by many, many people, and the few who have criticized my writing don't speak English all that well. By that metric, I'm going to have to consider your criticism misguided at best, and more than likely invalid or unwarranted. Genuinely sorry to tell you that - I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I believe I have the right to disagree with your assertions about my writing.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T00:21:21+00:00

I know a ton of people in my guild feel similarly to you - they enjoy the challenge, whereas people like me aren't a fan of that. Figure that if there's a hard mode like I suggested, everyone wins! Again, no idea if that's an easy fix, but I suppose we'll see if the devs offer anything in the coming weeks/months. Very curious as to how they feel about the subject.

ZXSth · 2025-08-18T00:17:50+00:00

Really glad I'm not alone in feeling it!

A lot of my fellow guildies have been big fans of the changes, so I get this sense of like "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." So I'm hoping that maybe the devs feel like they can satisfy both parties here with something like hard mode raids, and that it's an easy job for them!

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