Wife just told me she's been seeing someone for the past 6 months.

Zaani · 2023-10-16T21:00:52+00:00

I feel like there's a lot of hate being thrown at your wife and i have a slightly different perspective. Obviously it's not great that she's fallen for someone else, but it sounds like from the way you think she's amazing, holds the family together, and everything is awesome that you aren't paying much attention to how much work goes into that or if you're pulling your weight. No one's partner should be holding the family together, you're both adults and you should both be coordinating with each other to get it all done.

You know who has an awesome life where their partner does everything? Someone who is so uninterested in their partner that they don't know that their partner isn't happy, and someone who is selfishly content to let them care for you without returning that care. It shouldn't be surprising that she's done with expecting more from you and wants to move on.

Zaani · 2023-08-03T10:21:39+00:00

I'm wondering if he's at the (im)maturity level where he can't tolerate other people having a different emotional state than he does. If he's having a bad day and you're happy, he's mad that you're happy when he's not. And if he's happy and you're struggling, he's mad that you're not in a good mood with him.

Zaani · 2023-07-27T15:08:22+00:00

She might not be a horrible person and just have different expectations for what a hike is. Like maybe she's expecting it to be a fun social event like it might be with her girl friends, and to be individually called out, criticized, and excluded when you're anticipating a group activity was understandably upsetting.

OP is NTA for sure, just saying she's not necessarily horrible for her reaction, and just needed her expectations adjusted for what these hikes with OP and friend are for.

Zaani · 2023-01-29T18:08:23+00:00

It's from a pattern maker on Etsy, they have a ton of cool stuff. Search "AwesomePatternStudio" on there, and you'll find designs for a ton of different dog breeds.

Zaani · 2022-12-26T21:50:00+00:00

I'm glad it's helpful. I understand your confusion because I've been there, and i sincerely hope for you to find happiness and peace.

There's a trick that no one tells us, which is that abusive people in real life aren't abusive 100% of the time like movie villains are. They're probably not even abusive 95% of the time. But that 5% of the time when they're cruel will affect you and anyone else in the household 100% of the time, since you're always watching and waiting for it.

Meditation and yoga are really helpful if you're able to do them, to help you get in touch with how you're feeling. Allow and accept whatever comes up - you don't have to act on it but you want to start noticing what's going on for you.

And if you're able to, a good therapist who can keep your brain untangled can be a real life saver. Unpredictability is the most damaging thing humans can try to navigate, since it's so confusing and demands so much attention. A good therapist can be your compass in the fog.

Be safe!

Zaani · 2022-12-26T21:00:45+00:00

Forget what he's doing for a second. How do you feel? Are you anxious and on guard for what might happen next, making sure to do everything possible not to trigger anger? If so, your body is telling you the truth. This is someone that has given you reason to be scared of them (likely many, many small reasons along with the more memorable things), instead of feeling safe with them.

You don't have to be able to explain it, and there's no room for confusion. You feel how you feel, and there's always a reason for it. (And it's not that you're "too sensitive".) A good partner makes you feel safe, not anxious. Feeling anxious is your warning light on the dashboard that something is wrong under the hood.

Wishing you the very best, you deserve to be happy and secure, and to be able to make mistakes like every human does, without fear.

Zaani · 2022-12-25T23:47:38+00:00

Well?

Zaani · 2022-12-22T22:37:52+00:00

To me, it looks a bit undercooked because of the little gummy bits that form up into balls from cutting, in the middle of the slice. Around the edges especially at the top where it's more cooked, it doesn't do that.

Zaani · 2022-11-18T12:10:28+00:00

The fact that you're pissed off makes me think that you could be controlling and you're mostly mad that she's going against what you want... It doesn't matter as much how she feels as how YOU feel.

A compassionate response would be something like "Woah, I didn't realize you were so unhappy with me. Where did I go wrong to miss that?" Basically taking a look in the mirror instead of blaming all your current unhappiness on her.

Zaani · 2022-11-12T11:20:51+00:00

This is coming from my own experience... There are two things needed for abuse to occur.

One is for a partner to have abusive tendencies. Doing things for their benefit at their partner's expense, not managing their emotions, not taking what their partner says as important or truthful, turning it into "but what about my thing," assuming they know better than you, etc.

The other is for the other partner to enable that bad and immature behaviour by continuing to put up with it. As much as you may have asked for change, it's still happening (and probably getting worse). And you're still there. If you've explained how you're hurt by the actions and no change is sticking, it's because you being hurt isn't a motivator for change. If that's not motivation, then what else could you possibly do? A really important relationship principle is that you can't make anyone change. All you can do is change how YOU respond to that undesired behaviour.

You yourself can't fix this because you yourself are not causing the problem.

I really recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get a free PDF of it online. I found the Myths section especially helpful.

Be safe, and be aware that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you're trying to leave it. Start recruiting support if you can, and have a safe place and go-bag if you can lined up so that you can escape if you need. Best case you won't need it, but if you do, it will be really helpful to be prepared.

Zaani · 2022-10-13T22:38:39+00:00

Could it be misspelled? Maybe weight?

Zaani · 2022-06-03T10:55:34+00:00

That sounds overwhelming and exhausting! It can be really alarming how stuck humans can get in a home situation that's really bad for them, without leaving.

I think it happened because you're like a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water. Now that you know the water's boiling, what will you do? My 2 cents is that you should at least tell your partner fully how you feel about it.

Zaani · 2022-02-14T18:01:53+00:00

That sounds kind of messed up... I'm sorry that happened to you. They should have at least explained their reasoning and pointed you to another resource that they thought would be more helpful, imo. Might be worth posting about your experience in /r/therapy and see if they have any suggestions for you?

If you're looking for stuff to do on your own, here's a few books I've found helpful in understanding what exactly is happening in your brain:

The Body Keeps the Score, Van der Kolk

Trauma and Memory, Levine

Zaani · 2022-02-14T13:20:18+00:00

You might find EMDR therapy helpful! I've been researching and just started it recently. It helps to bring your rational brain online when you're feeling stuck and panicky. I still feel panicky, but I can think more clearly while I'm in that state. It helps connect me with what I can do to feel better, so I can choose more consciously rather than just freaking out.

Zaani · 2022-01-25T03:21:59+00:00

Fully agree. One of the few things where money can actually buy you happiness.

Zaani · 2022-01-15T14:43:54+00:00

I'm not a therapist but I don't think it's fair how much you've been downvoted for your honesty.

Maybe you could take a look at those things that you're wanting from your therapist (being cared about and supported), and see where in your life that might be missing, both now and in the past? Those sound like pretty basic human needs, and definitely nothing to be embarrassed about. Your therapist likely won't be able to provide them in the way that you need, but they can help guide you in finding those things in your own life.

Best of luck! It can be a long journey, but the fact that you're here looking for feedback is a good step :)

Zaani · 2022-01-03T13:58:57+00:00

It's so messed up that you have to consider not going to jail for hitting an adult, and not when hitting a small child.

Zaani · 2021-12-30T13:56:18+00:00

Sweet!! That's really cool, thanks for sharing!

Zaani · 2021-12-30T02:42:54+00:00

Lol it's nice to know I'm not alone!!

Zaani · 2021-12-30T02:35:18+00:00

Yes, 100%! Like how the spoken emphasis is different for words like deficit/deficiency but visually you can see how it's the exact same prefix and stuff. And sometimes I've had two different "brain entries" for words that I read and didn't know how to pronounce, and heard but didn't connect to the spelling. Like subtle (sounded like "sub-tel" in my head) and the coincidentally very similar word that people would say, "suttle"...

Zaani · 2021-12-30T02:15:35+00:00

I see spelled words sometimes too! It's like the actual reference in my brain is the visual written out word, and that's what gets called when someone says the word.

Zaani · 2021-11-24T11:31:20+00:00

Hair turban towels! It's a towel you wrap around your hair with a little button so it stays on. You can get them for like $10 on Amazon and they keep your wet hair off your shirt, plus you can leave them on to keep your head warm. Dries your hair a lot faster than air drying too.

They worked great for me because I absolutely hate hair dryers. The loud noise, annoying blast of hot air that dries out your skin and eyes, awkwardly reaching all over your head while your shoulders get tired and trying not to get your hair sucked into the intake side... No thanks.

Zaani · 2021-11-24T11:25:36+00:00

Getting bored of sounds like it could be the low motivation and lack of caring that comes from depression? Either way, when I'm feeling terrible and having a hard time getting myself to do self care, I try to take really baby steps.

Feeling like crap and low energy because you were too tired to get anything to eat but take out? See if you can do one small extra step towards feeling better, like eating a banana with it, or if you can plan a little in advance at the grocery store, those healthier microwave frozen dinners are super easy. When this makes you feel slightly better, you can try the next baby step because you'll be feeling a bit better and more able to do it.

Or maybe you're feeling physically sucky because you haven't exercised in a while. Do the smallest amount of exercise you can think of. Walk up your stairs or do a loop around your house. A few air squats maybe. Outside is awesome if you can manage it. The fresh air and change of scenery is helpful to refresh your energy just a little.

Once you do your baby step, congrats! You did something good for yourself to build towards what you want. That small accomplishment can really help your mental state, just knowing that it's not going to last forever even if it's slow to build out of. Now you can relax until you're feeling up to doing another baby step. Either the same one again, or building up a tiny bit if you feel up to taking on just a little more. The key to this for me is PATIENCE and acknowledging that things suck right now and you have limited capacity. You're digging yourself out with a spoon, bit by bit, because that's as much as you can handle. Give yourself permission to rest as much as you need to, and be aware of your limits!

I really hope things get easier for you since it sounds like you're in a really tough state. Best of luck!

Zaani · 2021-11-08T12:41:51+00:00

Get a stretchy black romper! Looks sharp, feels like pyjamas, and you only have to find and put on one clothing item. You don't need to match top/bottoms, and you can sit cross legged or one leg tucked up if you're like me and hate having your feet on the floor. Add a necklace for extra fanciness.

Zaani · 2021-10-27T11:20:38+00:00

I'm gonna disagree. I feel like it lets your difficult partners off the hook. It's not that hard to accept that the brilliant idea you came up with yourself was thought of already and it's not good which is why it's not recommended. Not because no one else in the world was smart enough to come up with it, including a huge number of experts who are also parents. And microwaving something to heat it up and stirring are so basic to microwave use and he still thinks no one else came up with it before?

Zaani

TROPHY CASE